A loving relationship does not just happen: it is grown, with attention and work from both partners. Communication skills play a big part, alongside patient acceptance of personal differences.

Akey concept in the psychology of romance was developed in the mid-20th century by psychologist John Bowlby. According to his “attachment theory,” our childhood relationships and subsequent experiences combine to create different attachment styles, or ways of relating to a partner (see “Attachment styles and your relationship”). People with different styles can want very different things—and if we are looking for success in our romantic partnerships, it’s important to understand these differences and be prepared to work around them.

Emotional security

Secure people tend to have the most secure relationships, but it’s also true that a bond needs only one secure partner to obtain the necessary stability. If the secure partner is content to give reassurance and is not threatened by the idea of being needed, an anxious person can relax, and is often devoted and loving. An avoidant type will often want to spend time alone, and the secret of success here is in the other partner not taking that personally.

Communication

Constant communication gives built-in protection to any relationship, providing a healthy basis for any compromises needed. Sacrifices silently endured tend to fester, whereas a willingness to talk often leads to solutions even to issues that may initially have seemed impossible to resolve. Emotional security also requires acceptance of your partner’s own personality, needs, and feelings, and a willingness to find welcoming space for all of these in your life.

Companionship

It is important to share activities, and to keep outside pressures from limiting the time available for these. Constant nurture of a relationship, mutual enjoyment, and affection contribute to a loving future.

attachment styles and your relationship

Psychologist John Bowlby identified three attachment styles, or ways that you relate in a relationship: secure, anxious, and avoidant. It is possible for any permutation of these styles to work in a romantic partnership, but certain combinations are particularly well matched and others will tend to be successful only if certain pitfalls are avoided, and each partner deals patiently with the other’s tendencies. The chart below characterizes each style in terms of typical thought patterns. At the bottom of the page is guidance on how to get the best out of all six possible matches.

How can your “atttachment style” combination work well?