We all know the importance of learning from others, but it can be surprisingly difficult to really “hear” what someone else is saying. How can we become better listeners and absorb the best of what we are told?

A good listener is someone able to absorb more information. If you want to improve your listening skills, what are the best strategies?

Mirror, mirror

If you see two people “mirroring” each other’s body language in conversation, you may think this shows the pressure of social conformity. But in fact it may be part of an attempt to understand each other. One scientific theory calls this “embodied simulation” (See “Picture the listening process”). We can’t see into people’s minds, but we believe that private thoughts and feelings will be reflected in overt motor behavior such as facial expressions and body posture—and if we mimic these things, the feedback into our brains can help us fully understand. We tend to do this subconsciously, but if you’re having trouble grasping someone’s motivations, try making a deliberate effort to discreetly copy their body language to increase your intuitive understanding.

• Listen with your body. Mirror, smile, make eye contact, lean in slightly. Don’t fidget, as that distracts the speaker: make your whole posture about paying attention.
• Share the viewpoint. Show from what you say in response to the other person that you’re trying to see how things look from their perspective.
• Be composed and pleasant. The speaker will pick up on your manner just as you pick up on theirs, so maintain a calm and approachable presence.
• Show “altercentrism” (focus on the other person). Ask open questions; don’t interrupt; reflect back or paraphrase some of what they say; if you’re not sure what they mean, ask them to clarify.
• Defer judgment. Don’t anticipate what they’ll say or jump in with counter-arguments. Let them finish before you form your opinion.
• Validate. If someone is distressed, always focus on showing that you support their right to feel what they feel. This may make them more coherent.
• Reflect. Say something like: “So if I understand you, what you’re saying is…” This gives them space to correct any false impressions and shows you’re striving to understand.
• Summarize. Recap what they say at regular intervals. This proves your interest, and gives them the chance to stress anything you’ve missed.

Any social situation gives you the opportunity to practice listening, so begin as soon as you can and see where your new skills can take you. Test your own memory, and resolve to listen better. Bear in mind that a good listener is a facilitator, who empowers others to communicate.

picture the LISTENING process

American psychologists Graham Bodie, Debra Worthington, and Lynn Cooper, along with German psychologist Margarete Imhof, propose a “unified field theory” of how we manage conversations. This graphic shows how a conversation operates. The more care and skill we can deploy at the process stage, when we make our contribution, the more valuable the outcomes of any discussion will be.

ACTIVE LISTENING DOs ANd DON’TS

Active listening means creating an open verbal space. Here are some suggestions and taboos:

Avoid: Questions that risk sounding accusatory, such as: “Why did you do that?”

Do say: “Can you tell me more about what happened?”

Avoid: Pushing too hard for sensitive information.

Do say: “If you’re willing to talk about that, I’m happy to listen.”

Avoid: Presumptions, such as “I know just how you feel.”

Do say: “How are you feeling about that?”

Avoid: Unwanted advice, such as: “You should just quit.”

Do say: “Do you want to brainstorm some strategies?”

Avoid: Patronizing expressions of pity—such as “You poor thing!”—which is different from empathy.

Do say: “That does sound difficult. How are you coping?”

Avoid: Bluntness, lack of courtesy.

Do say: “Might I suggest…?” “Please excuse me…?”