CHAPTER 5
Your Soul Wants to Drive: Putting Your Values Into Motion
Considering our lives today, it’s pretty evident that we have the attention span of a mosquito. Don’t worry: It isn’t really your fault. If you can focus long enough to follow my point, I think you’ll get the drift. Add up the impact of technology, media, and the pressure to do more, make more, work more, see more, raise our children to Ivy League schools, and generally be perceived by our peers as the superhero of choice. It’s no wonder then that our eyes and attention flit from smartphone to computer screen to whatever is in our way. Observe someone standing on line at the store or coffee shop or waiting for a bus—eyes glued to the screen, headphones on, trying to connect and, at the same time, remaining disconnected. There is no “there” there.
Multitasking is synonymous with how we conduct our lives. Unfortunately, the whole idea is completely impossible. Our brains are not wired to attend to more than one task at a time, unless you put walking and chewing gum at the same time as multitasking. One of the biggest challenges we face, from a societal basis, is our lack of time and focus to consider what we really care about most. We’re too busy multitasking (or at least trying to) to be able to create a bridge between our life and our values. Trust me: They’re in there somewhere. You just need a little time to unload all the stuff that is covering them up. It’s like trying to find the matching sock in a pile of laundry. Rather than taking the time to fold everything from the top down, we wind up randomly grabbing bits and pieces, hoping to find the prize.
In this chapter, we will focus on your real values and how to separate out old beliefs that you’ve been dragging around from the stuff that makes your heart happy. Then we will look at your habits and examine whether they support your desire to live according to what you value most. You will zero in on your musts, and while you’re on this journey, you will create the billboards of your life’s values as a guide to keep you on track.
Slowing Down to Find Your Musts (and to Weed Out the Shoulds)
Charles and Diane knew that things had to change. While Charles made more-than-sufficient income, he was constantly working, trying to satisfy clients and colleagues alike. Charles’s lack of attention to their overall financial health made Diane really uncomfortable. At a recent meeting, Diane was explaining her frustration, while Charles was busily engaged on his iPhone. The situation reached a boiling point as Diane hit her limit.
“I can’t take this anymore. We make appointments to come in and talk about our plan, but you can’t give me more than 10 seconds of your time. This is nuts. We’re wasting our time and money!”
Charles looked up, not quite sure what was happening, only that there were several sets of eyes directing their attention his way.
“I have to make a living. Money doesn’t just magically appear!” Charles said somewhat defensively.
As Diane was about to respond, I put my hand up to signal her to hold off. The meeting sank into silence. We know that the universe abhors a vacuum and it wasn’t long before Charles put his iPhone away and turned to Diane.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s so hard to focus when there are so many pressures to get things done.”
It was my turn. “Okay, you two. Tell me: What must happen in your financial life to provide the comfort and satisfaction that is important to you?
Silence descended.
Diane started, “Wow. I haven’t ever thought in terms of my musts. I need time to think about it.”
Charles followed quickly with, “I must put my iPhone away if we’re going to have this conversation.”
Diane turned to Charles, her eyes showing signs of tears, “I need to know that if something happens to you, I won’t be left in a mess. I need to know that, while I am raising our children, all your hard work means you will have a better life when you stop working. And I need to feel that we are working for the same goals.”
You see, when it comes down to it, we all have our musts. When you get to the heart of the matter, it is first about security (remember our buddy Abe Maslow from Chapter 3?) and then attending to areas most valued.
“I don’t want to outlive my resources.” (That’s a pretty good must, huh?)
“I don’t want to be dependent on my children.” (Pretty strong conviction.)
“I want to help pay for my grandchildren’s college education.” (Important dreams.)
“I want my children to be self-sufficient independent human-beings who help make the world better.” (Legacy values.)
“I want my legacy to support the arts/my university/medical research.” (Soul-driven meaning.)
It is interesting to observe that in these examples of musts, there is no sense of ‘keeping up with the Joneses or competition with anyone’s brother-in-law. Your musts represent the statement of what must occur for you to feel secure, satisfied, and successful. The driver for these heart-centered needs is an individual’s values. We value, for example, security, our family, our causes, and the aspects of life for which we are willing to make changes.
In order for us to set our journey on the right course, we first need to know where we are going and why we are going there. Think about taking a trip from the United States to Thailand. What do you need to consider before you embark? Why are you going? Even if it’s to eat lobster on the beach for $1, you need a reason to go through the process of travel. Do you have a passport? Do you need a visa? What are the costs? How long a trip will your life and resources allow? Do you need any inoculations? What are the costs of flights? Where will you stay? Do you need to find a tour guide? You get the point. Unfortunately, too many people spend more energy arranging their vacation than they spend on considering their values and making sure they are taking the right steps.
Time for an exercise. Worksheet 5-1 asks you to think about your values/your musts. You might have one or more. Take some time to think about what’s supremely important to you. Remember: These values are yours, not mine, not those of your parents, siblings, or spouse—just yours alone.
A note to consider before you begin: We live in a world of shoulds and self-imposed or societally-imposed guilt. If there’s a should in your thinking, it’s not your must. For example: I should provide an inheritance to my nephew because my sister would be mad if I didn’t. This is a guilt-based want (or should), not a values-based must.
WORKSHEET 5-1: IDENTIFYING YOUR MUSTS
Write down your true values, your absolute musts. You should not have more than three, because it’s vital that you hone in on just those super, top-of-the-list, right-to-your-heart values. (Hint: A Rolex or designer handbag should not be one of them.)
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Great. How do those look? Are you sure they are your musts?
If so, what are you willing to do to ensure they happen? Would you spend less today? Save more? Contribute to a retirement plan? Work an extra job? Change your lifestyle?
If you are willing to make changes in your lifestyle today to ensure success, then you are dead on: They are your musts. If you are unwilling to make changes, then you might have missed the mark. Before you continue, take more time to think about what is most important to you. In case you are concerned, you are allowed to change your answers. After all, this is your exploration; I am merely the guide.
Are You Moving in the Right Direction?
Now that you have your musts, those enunciations of your values, you have a little more work to do.
A few words about habits. Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.” And who is prepared to argue with him? Habits become a part of us, our normal go-to behavior, like holding your toothbrush in your dominant hand or putting on socks before pants. They aren’t important, thought out, or planned; they just have become our default. Changing habits can feel like climbing Mt. Everest naked in the dead of winter. So, why do it alone? No, I am not referring to climbing Mt. Everest naked in the dead of winter. I am referring to changing habits. It’s good to have someone along to walk the journey with you. Having a strong support system is key to success. If you have been a advocate of retail therapy that has added to your problems, you probably are not going to get much support from someone else who is a shopaholic, especially as you are building new supportive success habits. It’s just too tempting, and who needs that constant reminder of what you’re “missing”? In fact, you’re embarking on building your happiness and living rationally. Who are the people with whom you share values? They are the people you want to model and lean on. Maybe it means you need to expand your scope of friends to include those who are less acquisition-focused. There is a need for fearlessness in moving outside of how others have seen you. By surrounding yourself with those whose values are aligned with yours, you create mutual support and strengthen your resolve.
You might want to consider taking the time you previously spent in acquisition mode (aka shopping) and volunteer that time to those less fortunate or in dire need of your help (a library, a hospital, the elderly, and so forth). Gratitude is a great way to focus on what really matters. Remember: Positive habits bring you closer to you living your musts.
The next part of your assignment is to use Worksheet 5-2 to review the areas of your life that are compatible or incompatible with your musts.
WORKSHEET 5-2: DO YOUR HABITS SUPPORT YOUR VALUES?
Think about and write down those habits that support your ability to live your values. In other words, what works well and what can you celebrate in your money life? Examples: “I do not spend more than I can comfortably pay off each month.” “I save/invest X% of my paycheck every time I get paid before I spend a penny.”
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Now think about and write down those habits that detract from your ability to live your values. For example, do you spend frivolously? Do you refrain from saving because it will impact the discretionary part of your life?
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Think about the costs of not altering your habits. What doesn’t happen? Will your musts be attainable if you remain doing what you do today?
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What or who supports habits that negatively impact your success? For example, do you have a friend or relative who wants a “partner in crime”? Or do you believe that making changes will impact your relationships negatively?
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Setting a New Course: Forming Habits That Support Your Money Musts
So you see, we devote so much time and energy on the day-to-day stuff, we don’t have the time, energy, or focus to think about what we really desire most. There is a commitment necessary to create a shift in your habits. This brings us back to the conversation in Chapter 3 about our beliefs and behaviors. Our shifted habits become an extension of what we believe and thus the tools to transport us from money misery to a feeling of empowerment and real richness.
Habits are the active part of our belief system. We acquire habits as soon as we can understand: Brush your teeth before bed, wash your hands, say thank you. These actions become ingrained in us. We believe them, consciously or subconsciously, and act out what we believe. Think about a time when your habits supported you. Maybe you are in tip-top physical shape and exercise five to six times a week; you attend to strength training, cardio training, and body flexibility. Your habits of going to the gym, hitting the Stairmaster, and getting down on the mat at a yoga class are all habits that support good health.
You can use ideal supportive habits to help you consider what unsupportive habits need adjustment. Think about what happened to shift you from eating fast food to making more healthy food choices. You made a decision and acted because you valued the benefits of a healthy body more than the greasy “goodness” of junk food. It might have taken you months until you could pass a Wendy’s without salivating, but you don’t even think about it now. In fact, you might not even remember the last time, it’s become so natural for you to eat healthily.
We need to build strong habits that support our aims, whether it’s to lose weight, get in shape, get to work on time, or study to master new information or to build financial security.
Creating Your Personal Money Billboards to Keep You on Track
Now that you have done the great work of articulating your musts, complete Worksheet 5-3 to come up with some powerful headlines that can help reinforce your mission. Your money billboards are statements that make your musts real and meaningful. For example:
“Money is a tool for achieving financial security.”
“I know the difference between my wants and my needs.”
“I will live more abundantly without the weight of credit card debt on my head.”
“Living within my means enables me to save for the future and appreciate the security that provides.”
Get the point? Write some headlines that you can read, reread, and re-reread. These empowering statements are super-important to remind you to be mindful of your task. Without the support, you might become the dieter who eats nothing but celery sticks for two weeks before diving headfirst into a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.
WORKSHEET 5-3: YOUR MONEY BILLBOARDS
Come up with three headlines to help reinforce your values and keep you on the path to success.
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Read your headlines throughout the day: when you get up, mid-morning, at lunchtime, mid-afternoon, at dinnertime, before bed. The more frequently you remind yourself, the stronger you become. Put a reminder on your calendar or phone to take out your headlines and read them. Each time, add another drop of energy and strength toward attaining your preferred future.
You’ve done great work, focusing on what must happen in your life and separating out the needs from the wants. These foundational blocks allow you to create awesome supportive habits.