Manipulation versus Influence

In our Exercising Influence^TM workshops, the issue of manipulation often arises. Many people are concerned about the ethical implications of being conscious and tactical about influence. There is some confusion about the distinction between manipulation and influence. A thesaurus suggests the following distinction: to manipulate is to maneuver, handle, exploit, or deceive. To influence is to induce, incite, persuade, or activate. Influence implies respect for the other; manipulation does not. There is nothing fundamentally unethical or dishonest about choosing your behavior and words deliberately in order to persuade or activate others to join you in taking action.

When asked the question, “How do you know that you have been manipulated?” groups of managers and leaders consistently say, “When the other has been dishonest with me, leading me to take an action I would not have taken otherwise.” When asked, “How do you know that you have been influenced?” the typical reply is, “I voluntarily choose to change or take action based on what the other did or said.”

Thus, there are two key issues that distinguish one from the other: (1) trust in the honesty of the influencer and (2) a sense of choice about the action. Influence implies individual choice based on trustworthy information and guidance. Manipulation happens in the shadows or under the table, influence happens in the open.

Several factors may cause people to be manipulative. Sometimes it's simply a skill or experience deficit; we're doing what has been done to us. Sometimes we wish to avoid the appearance of using direct power and hope that people will believe they're making a real choice even though they are not. Sometimes we're fearful of the conflict that may result from telling the truth, so we maintain a hidden agenda and hope things go our way without having to reveal it. Sometimes we simply haven't done our homework and are choosing an expedient way to involve another person. And there are certain pathological personality disorders that lead some people to be consistently manipulative.

Expressive influence becomes manipulative when we

• Make up or distort facts to support our positions.
• Imply that we share goals that we do not, in fact, share.
• Take credit for others' ideas.
• Promise things that we know we can't deliver.
• Make threats we don't have the power or will to carry out.
• Imply that powerful others will take actions (the equivalent of “wait until your father comes home”) without having checked this out in advance.
• Fail to warn the other of important consequences of taking or not taking an action.
• Express a vision that we know to be unrealistic or impossible to achieve or that we don't really believe in.
• Flatter the other insincerely to encourage him or her to join or support us.

Receptive influence becomes manipulative when we

• Ask for information, then use it to harm or embarrass the other.
• Twist the other's words, intentions, or motivations in the guise of listening and attempting to understand.
• Show false empathy when we in fact are judgmental.
• Invite the other to be open and vulnerable without reciprocating.
• Imply in a subtle or sarcastic way that the other is bad, wrong, or stupid to believe as he or she does (rather than initiating an open discussion of differences).
• Reject any ideas or suggestions the other comes up with in response, unless and until we hear the “right answer.”
• Invite the other to take action as if it were his or her responsibility, and then use power, sarcasm, or ridicule to attempt to stop him or her from taking the action.

The ethical influencer must ask him or herself the following questions

• Am I telling the literal truth, as far as I know, where any objective data is involved? Have I left out any key information that the other should know before making a choice?
• Am I being honest about my own opinions, beliefs, intentions, enthusiasm, and commitment when I have expressed them? Have I been open about my intention to influence the other?
• Am I willing and do I have the option to take “no” for an answer?
• Am I willing and do I have the option to allow the other to take a different action from the one I would prefer?
• Is this an issue that can best be dealt with through influence rather than the use of direct power that I have or can borrow? If not, am I willing to use that power openly?

Influence and Self-Interest

One of the great ethical responsibilities of the influencer is to be aware of his or her motivation in relation to the influence goal. It's perfectly legitimate to serve your own interests as long as you're not working against the interests of those you choose to influence or of the institutions or systems of which you are both members and to whom you owe respect and loyalty. Thus, influencing someone to disobey a legitimate rule or law (one you were both aware of and, in essence, signed up to uphold) can be unethical, whereas influencing someone to work with you to change a rule or law you believe to be unfair would be ethical. Influencing someone to help you do something that would benefit you but could be harmful to him or her would be unethical, unless you were completely honest about the risks involved and the person had free choice.

It's also important not to misuse your knowledge of others' self-interest or vulnerability to guide them in a direction you know would have serious negative consequences for them or others.

What Doesn't Work

I think the behaviors that I'm going to name below are not only ineffective, but also unethical, although often done with the best of intentions. These actions are based on the unexamined assumption that other people are mean, foolish, fearful, or unimportant and don't deserve to be treated with respect. They include

• Threatening
• Whining
• Tit-for-tat
• Ridiculing
• Shaming
• Anything else that attempts to make the other look or feel bad, wrong, or stupid

When these behaviors work, it's only while you're watching, and only if you have sufficient power. None of them actually influences anyone, since influence is something that requires the participation and agreement of the other.

In the long run, anything we gain from these unethical or ineffective practices is likely to be short-lived, lead to a loss of trust or reputation, harm the influence relationship, and be detrimental to our self-perception.