Chapter 3. Finding and Adding Friends
In real life, your social network consists not just of people who work or study where you do, but also of people you’ve formed one-on-one relationships with: teachers, ex-sisters-in-law, bowling buddies, and so on. It’s the same with Facebook: You start with a network of school or work buddies (see Chapter 2), and then add friends one at a time. You can even use Facebook to look up old friends and find new ones.
Why would you want to enlarge your Facebook social circle? Well, having friends is really the whole point of joining Facebook. You get to swap life-in-progress tidbits (both serious and silly), share what you’re reading, play online games…the list is endless. But first you need to gather your pals. Read on to learn how.
How Facebook Friends Work
In the world of Facebook, a friend is any Facebook member who has agreed that you two have something in common. Maybe you play on the same softball team, volunteer at the local animal shelter together, or keep running into each other at parties thrown by the same ex-roommate. Maybe you dated, took a road trip together, or you’re second cousins twice removed. How you know a Facebook friend doesn’t matter; all that matters is that you both agree that you know each other.
Note
Facebook has no way of verifying the relationships between friends. But one of the major differences between Facebook and MySpace—the other big social networking site—is that Facebook strongly encourages truthfulness. So, while having a zillion “friends” is considered a status symbol on MySpace, it’s not on Facebook. On Facebook, the goal is to put together a manageable list of people you actually know—and actually care about keeping up with.
Two people become Facebook friends when one person extends an invitation and the other person accepts, or confirms, it. When you become friends with someone in Facebook, three things happen:
You appear on your friend’s Friend List (Organizing Your Friends) and on her profile page (and vice versa). On Facebook, as in life, you’re known by the company you keep: Everyone with access to your friend’s profile (or yours) can see the relationship between the two of you. And with the click of a mouse, folks can hop from your friend’s profile to yours, or from your profile to your friend’s.
Note
One of the best, most addictive things about Facebook is its confessional nature. Facebook profiles encourage members to pontificate about subjects that don’t often come up in polite conversation. So, when you’re friends with someone in Facebook, you might be surprised at the juicy details you learn about them.
You can see your friend’s profile (and vice versa) even if he’s not in your network. This means you can see the events he’s planning to attend, the Groups he’s joined, and all the other people he’s friends with, among other details. (The exception to this is if your friend has specifically blocked you from seeing certain personal details, as explained on Fighting Back.)
You receive automatic updates in your News Feeds (Types of Updates) chronicling your friend’s Facebook activities (and vice versa).
Tip
Chapter 5 explains how to sign up for updates on your friends’ Facebook activities and how to customize the updates your friends get about you.
Finding Friends
Before you can make someone your friend, you first have to find that person on Facebook. The site gives you four different ways to do this:
You can look up real-life friends and acquaintances who are already Facebook members.
You can invite real-life friends and acquaintances who aren’t on Facebook yet to join the site.
You can search for Facebook members you’ve never met but who share your interests (such as a background in server-side technology or a passion for container gardening).
You can browse through the potential friends Facebook suggests for you (based on criteria such as both of you going to college at the same time and sharing a common Facebook friend).
Finding People Who Are Facebook Members
Some of your real-life friends and acquaintances might already be on Facebook. To find them, use one of the following search methods:
Search for Facebook members by name. To do so:
Type the person’s name in the search box at the top of any Facebook screen and then press Enter.
On the search results page that appears, click the People link on the left hand side to weed out extraneous results, such as Groups and applications that happen to contain your searchee’s name. Facebook displays a list of people matching the name you typed in. If the list is gigantic, you can narrow your search by typing in a location, school, or workplace, and then clicking the Refine Search button.
Tip
In Facebook, all clickable links are blue. If one of the names you see in your search results (or on your Friends List, or anywhere else in Facebook) is blue, then clicking it takes you straight to that person’s profile (or as much of the profile as the person has granted you access to; see Controlling Access to Your Account).
Search for Facebook members who are classmates, ex-classmates, or coworkers. At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, click the Find Friends link. On the page that appears, scroll down to the "Search for People” section and click the appropriate link. Facebook customizes these links based on the information you’ve provided, so the links will read something like, "Find classmates from [your high school],” "Find classmates from [your college],” and "Find coworkers from [your company]”.
Note
If you’re new to Facebook, you’ll also have a Find Friends link in the upper right of your Facebook screen. Clicking it takes you to the same place as clicking Find Friends link in the lower right.
The screen that appears depends on which link you click and how many details you added to your profile. For example, if you already told Facebook you graduated from Arizona State University in 1990, then clicking "Find classmates from [your school]” displays a list of members whose profiles mention that they attended Arizona State in 1990. If, on the other hand, you haven’t added any work-related details to your profile and click the "Find current or past coworkers” link, Facebook displays a screen you can use to type in the company you want.
Search for people you regularly email from your Web-based email account. If you have a Web-based email address (such as [email protected], [email protected], or [email protected]), you can give Facebook your email account password and let it scan your email address book for matching Facebook members.
Here’s how: At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, click the Find Friends link. In the Find People You Email section of the page that appears, simply type in your email address and password and then click Find Friends. If Facebook finds members who match the email addresses in your address book, it displays them; if it doesn’t find any matches, it pops up a message box asking if you’d like to try a different Web-based email account.
Note
Keep in mind that when you enter your email account password, you’re handing over some pretty sensitive info to Facebook. After all, that password is the virtual key to your email account, your address book, and probably a bunch of other personal goodies. While Facebook is a reputable outfit and pledges not to store your password, you might want to skip this step if this whole sharing business makes you queasy.
Search for people you regularly instant message. If you use AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), ICQ Chat, or Windows Live Messenger, you can give Facebook your IM screen name and password and let it scan your buddy list for matching Facebook members. To do so: At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, click the Find Friends link. Scroll down the page that appears to the Find People You IM section. Then click the appropriate “Import contacts from” link to display fields where you can enter your screen name and password, ICQ number and password, or Windows Live ID; then click Find Friends. Facebook either displays matching Facebook members, or a message box asking if you’d like to try your search again (you don’t; if Facebook didn’t find any matches the first time, it won’t find any matches the second).
Search for people you regularly email using a list of contacts. Depending on the email program you use, you can export a list of email addresses from your email program and let Facebook scan the list for matching Facebook members. (If you use a Web-based email account, see Finding People Who Are Facebook Members.) To do so: At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, click the Find Friends link. In the Find People You Email section, click the Upload Contact File link. On the screen that appears, either tell Facebook to scan your Outlook contacts, or (if you use another email program, such as Mozilla Thunderbird or Mac OS X Address Book) first click the “Upload a contact file” link, and then click the “How to create a contact file…” link, followed by the name of the appropriate email program. Then follow the instructions you see to create and upload an email contact file Facebook can read. After you finish, click Find Friends. Facebook either displays the Facebook members whose email addresses match those on your list, or displays a link you can use to get technical help.
Finding People Who Aren’t Facebook Members
You can’t add people to your Friend List unless they’re Facebook members. But say you’ve got a few real-life pals you wish would sign up for the site so you could keep in touch more easily. Facebook gives you an easy way to invite these people to join:
On the right side of your Facebook Home page, find the Connect With Friends section and click the “Invite friends to join Facebook” link.
On the Invite Your Friends page that appears, type in your non-Facebook-pals’ email addresses, separated by commas; then type in a quick message (if you like) and click Invite. Facebook sends invitations to all the addresses in the “To:” field.
Tip
If you have more than a handful of email addresses to type in, consider having Facebook grab them from your Web-based email account (Finding People Who Are Facebook Members) or from a file you export from your email program (Finding People Who Are Facebook Members).
Finding New Friends
Back in the olden days of Facebook, the site gave its members an easy way to connect with each other one-on-one based on shared interests and other profile information, such as political views, hobbies, or favorite bands. You simply typed in what kind of folks you wanted to meet—for example, single moms in your area who like to knit—and bingo: You got an instant list of potential pals, complete with built-in conversation opener.
You can still search for kindred spirits on Facebook; after all, it’s one of the reasons Facebook is so popular. But to keep from becoming a giant spam free-for-all, the site has changed the way you search. Rather than the advanced search feature you used to use, Facebook now offers four different ways to find like-minded members:
Friend suggestions. Facebook suggests folks you might be interested in being friends with based on criteria such as your profile details and the friends you already have. To see these suggestions: At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, click the Find Friends link. On the page that appears, scroll down to the Suggestions section.
Tip
A couple of friend suggestions always appear on the right side of your Home page (which you get to by clicking the Facebook logo in the top left of every Facebook screen). You can see the rest of Facebook’s friend suggestions by clicking the tiny See All link that appears next to the suggestions on your Home page.
Groups. If you want to meet fellow history buffs or gardeners (or folks interested in any other topic or activity), Facebook Groups are a good place to start. To search Facebook Groups: At the top of any Facebook screen, type the topic you’re interested in into the Search box, and then hit Enter. On the left side of the search results page that appears, click the Groups link to narrow your results.
Note
You can find out more about Groups—including how to create one—on Finding Mentions of Yourself in People’s Notes.
Keyword search. Searching member details for a specific phrase or keyword, wherever it appears, isn’t for the fainthearted (the phrase “like looking for a needle in a haystack” comes to mind). Still, depending on what kind of topic or activity you’re searching for, it might yield good results. The more unusual the topic or activity, the better your chances of finding what you’re looking for. To search member details: At the top of any Facebook page, type what you’re looking for into the Search field and then hit Enter. On the left side of the search results page that appears, click the People link.
Tip
If you decide to conduct a keyword search, prepare for a mountain of results. Also keep in mind that Facebook displays results no matter which member detail matches your keyword or what words or phrases surround it. For example, searching for “bears” will find both the guy who founded “Citizens Against Bears” and the lady who listed “The Zygote Bears” as her favorite band, among a zillion other results.
Third-party search applications. If you don’t find what (or who) you’re looking for using Facebook’s search feature, you can try a search application (see Facebook Applications: An Overview for the scoop on Facebook applications). To find one of these search applications: At the top of any Facebook screen, type Search in the Search field, hit Enter, and then click the Applications link on the left side of the screen that appears.
Note
Facebook applications vary in quality, and they all look and work a little differently. So after you find one you think looks interesting, you’ll want to spend a couple minutes checking out its reviews and playing with it to see if it works for you. To find out more about Facebook applications, flip to Chapter 12.
Inviting People to Be Your Friend
You can’t just add people to your Friend List willy-nilly; they have to be Facebook members and agree to be added.
Tip
Finding People Who Aren’t Facebook Members explains how to invite non-Facebook members to join the site.
To invite a Facebook member to be your friend:
Search for the person you want to befriend (see Finding Friends).
Note
If you send a friend request to someone who can’t normally see your profile—they’re not in your network, for example—Facebook temporarily grants that person access to the basic, work-related, and education-related portions of your profile (Viewing Your Profile) so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to accept your invitation.
If your search returns the person you’re looking for, click the “Add as friend” link you see just below (or to the right of) the person’s profile picture. If you don’t find the person you’re looking for, you can invite her to join Facebook (Finding People Who Aren’t Facebook Members).
Note
If you don’t see the “Add as friend” link, it’s because the person you’re trying to befriend has adjusted her privacy settings to block friend requests (see Chapter 13 for details).
Fill out the confirmation box that appears and then click Send Request. In the confirmation box, Facebook gives you the option of including a note along with your request; simply click the “Add a personal message” link. You may also see a couple of other options: If you’ve created any Friend Lists (Organizing Your Friends), you can click the “Add to List” button to preemptively add the person to a Friend List. And if you’ve activated your cellphone with Facebook (see Setting Up Facebook Mobile), you can turn on the “Subscribe via SMS” checkbox to have that person’s posts sent to your phone.
After you click Send Request, Facebook may display a Security Check dialog box where you have to type in a couple of words to confirm that you’re a real, live person. After that, you see a Friend Request Sent dialog box that includes friend suggestions (friends of your soon-to-be friend) for you to consider. (Click “Add as friend” if you’re interested, “Close” if you’re not.) Whether or not you pursue any of these additional social possibilities, Facebook automatically sends an invitation to your would-be friend’s email address and posts a friend request to her Facebook Home page (What You Can Do on Facebook). While you’re waiting to hear back from your friend, she appears in your Friend List accompanied by a Friend Request Pending label. If your friend agrees to the friendship and responds either to the email or the Facebook request (Confirming Requests in Facebook), Facebook adds your name to her Friend List (sans the “pending” label), and her name to yours. Facebook also sends you a notification (see Customizing Your Mini Feed) letting you know that she confirmed the friendship.
Note
If the person you’re extending the virtual hand of friendship to is brand-new to Facebook, after you send the friend request, Facebook displays a list of your current friends—just in case you want to ask them to join you in extending their virtual hands.
Note
In its quest to support polite social interactions, Facebook doesn’t give members a way to explicitly reject friend invitations, but they can ignore them. If you’ve sent an invitation and haven’t heard back after a few days, try sending the person a message or poking him (Poking). Still no answer? Sorry—you’ve been snubbed.
Responding to Friend Requests
When someone tries to add you to her Friend List, two things happen: Facebook sends you an email invitation and posts a little notice on your Home page telling you that you have a friend request. At that point, you’ve got two choices: You can confirm the request or ignore it, either in Facebook or right from your email program.
Confirming Email Requests
If you’re the type of person who checks her email every hour (or every 5 minutes) but only logs onto Facebook every couple of days, you’ll want to handle friend requests from inside your email program. Here’s how:
Confirming Requests in Facebook
Some people log into Facebook whenever they’re in front of a computer. If you’re one of them, it’s easier to respond to friend requests from your Facebook Home page than to fire up your email program and wade through your inbox looking for invitations. To confirm a friend request from inside Facebook:
At the top of any Facebook page, click the Friend Requests icon just to the right of the word “facebook”. The icon looks like the heads and shoulders of two little people (hover your cursor over the icons to see what each one is called). Above it, you’ll see a red icon indicating how many friend requests you have. When you click it, Facebook takes you to the Confirm Requests page.
Make sure you want to accept the request, and then click Confirm. After you click Confirm, you’re Facebook friends with that person. Easy, huh?
Note
If you’ve never heard of the person who sent you the friend request, the message he sent doesn’t make sense, or the two of you have no friends in common, then you probably want to click the person’s name and check out his profile to make sure the request is on the up-and-up. Clicking the Send Message link lets you feel the person out a little before deciding whether to accept the request.
Note
To see what friends you and your new friend have in common, Facebook lets you know by displaying a “[number] mutual friend(s)” link after the person’s name on the Confirm Requests page. Simply click this link to see the acquaintances you have in common. Or, on her profile page, find the Mutual Friends section below her profile picture.
Ignoring a Friend Request
In Facebook as in life, there will be times when someone extends the hand of friendship and you just don’t want to shake it. After all, confirming a friend request doesn’t only give your new pal access to a big chunk of your personal life; it also lets the world know that you think enough of the guy to declare yourself his friend. If you get a friend request from someone you’ve never heard of, say, or whose profile paints a picture so creepy you want to lock your virtual door, all you have to do is quietly remove all traces of the request and get on with your life. To do so:
Sign into Facebook (Viewing Your Facebook Home Page) if you’re not already there. Don’t click the link in the friend request email you received, or you’ll confirm the friendship.
At the top of any Facebook page, click the Friend Requests icon just to the right of the word “facebook”.
On the screen that appears, click Ignore. That’s all you have to do: Facebook instantly removes the red number above the Friend Requests icon “friend request” link from your Home page.
Back in your email program, delete the friend-request email.
Viewing Your Friends
Facebook automatically displays six randomly selected friends from your primary network (Joining a Network) in the Friends section of your profile.
To see more than these six friends—or to see more details about each of your friends—you’ve got a few options. You can:
See all of your friends in one fell swoop. You’ve got two options:
See friends who’ve changed their profiles lately. At the top right of any Facebook screen, click the word Account, and then click Edit Friends. On the left side of the page that appears, click the Recently Updated link.
See friends who are online right this minute. At the bottom right of any Facebook screen, the number that appears to the right of the word “Chat” tells you how many of your Facebook friends are currently logged into the site. Click the Chat link and a window pops up showing you exactly which of your friends are currently logged into Facebook.
Note
To send a real-time chat message to a friend, in the Chat window, simply click the name of the person you want to chat with. A green dot means the friend is actively using the site (and so is probably going to see your message); a half-moon shape means the friend is logged into Facebook but hasn’t done anything on the site for 10 minutes (and so may be out on a doughnut run). See Reading and Responding to Messages for details on chatting.
See your friends organized by whether they’re college friends, work friends, or friends who live close to you. At the top right of any Facebook screen, click the word Account, and then click Edit Friends. On the left side of the page that appears, click the Browse link. Then, on the page that appears, click the “Browse by” drop-down menu and choose College (to see friends who belong to college networks), Work (to see friends who belong to work-related networks), or City (to see friends grouped by the city they listed on their profiles).
Organizing Your Friends
The options Facebook gives you for viewing your friends are great if you have only a handful of pals. But if you’re a hardcore social butterfly with dozens or even hundreds of friends, you’ll want to organize your friends into separate lists that reflect how you categorize them in your mind.
For example, imagine that in addition to your workplace network, you’re involved in a book club, a softball league, and a 12-step program. Creating four separate lists lets you keep track of your different social circles at a glance. And because Facebook lets you send the same message to all the friends on a single list all at once (see Sending Messages) and even invite everyone on the list to join the same Group (Chapter 6) or event (Chapter 7), creating separate Friend Lists helps you communicate with folks quickly and reduces the risk of having your worlds collide.
Note
Friend Lists are for your eyes only—your friends never see which lists, if any, you’ve added them to.
Creating a Friend List
Facebook lets you create up to 100 different Friend Lists, each of which can contain up to 1,000 names. (Of course, unless you’re a politician, you probably won’t need anywhere near that many.) Here’s how to create a Friend List:
At the top right of any Facebook page, click the Account link and then click Edit Friends; on the left side of the page that appears, click the All Connections link.
On the page that appears, click the Create New List button.
In the “Enter a Name” field of the box that appears, type in a name for your list and then hit Enter. In the following example, the list’s name is “out-of-town family”.
Add some friends to your list. The easiest way is to click the thumbnail pictures of the people you want to add to your list. (Clicking a thumbnail once turns it blue to let you know you’ve selected it; clicking again deselects it.) Alternatively, you can click in the “Start Typing a Name” field and type in names one at a time.
When you finish, click Create List. Your newly created list appears on the Friends page (click Account, then Edit Friends to get there) beneath the Lists heading. It also appears on your Home page (Viewing Your Facebook Home Page) when you click the Friends link on the left-hand side of the screen. When you view thumbnail pictures of any of the friends you’ve added to the list, the list’s name appears next to those people’s names.
Viewing a Friend List
To see all the people on a particular Friend List:
At the top right of any Facebook screen, click the Account link and then click Edit friends.
On the left side of the screen that appears, look for the Lists heading and, below it, click the name of the Friend List you want to view. Facebook displays the names and profile pictures of the friends you’ve added to that list.
If you want to see what everyone on a particular friend list has been up to lately, head to your Home page by clicking the word “facebook” at the top of any screen. On the left side of the screen, click the Friends link. Then just click the name of the list you want to see and Facebook shows you those friends’ recent activities.
Editing a Friend List
Online or off, social circles and friendships change over time. After you’ve created a Friend List (Creating a Friend List), you can change its name, add people to it, or delete folks from it.
To rename a list:
Go to the left side of your Home page and click the Friends link. Facebook displays all you Friends Lists below the Friends link.
Click the name of the list you want to change.
On the page that appears, click the Edit List button.
In the dialog box that appears, click the Edit Name link and then make your change. When you finish, click the Save List button.
Note
Alternatively, you can change the name of a Friend List by clicking the Account link at the top of any Facebook screen and then clicking Edit Friends. On the left side of the page that appears, click the name of the list you want to rename and then, at the top of the screen, click the Edit List button and then follow step 4 above.
To add friends to an existing list:
At the top right of any Facebook page, click the Account link and then click Edit Friends.
On the left side of the screen that appears, click the All Connections link.
In the list that appears, find the friend you want to add.
To the right of the person’s name, click “Add to List” (or “[#] List” if you’ve previously added the person to a list) and, from the drop-down list that appears, choose which list you want to add him to.
To delete friends from a list, follow the steps for adding a friend to an existing list, but in step 4 instead of selecting a list you want to add the person to, select the list the person is already in (it has a checkmark next to it). Facebook removes the person from that list and deletes the checkmark.
Deleting a Friend List
Maybe you created a Friend List and find you never use it. Or maybe the number of friends on one of your Friend Lists dwindled to nothing. Whatever your reason, deleting a Friend List is easy:
View the list you want to delete (Viewing a Friend List).
Go to the top of the list and click the Delete List button. Then, in the confirmation box that appears, click Delete List.
Breaking Up: Unfriending Friends
Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes you just gotta do it. Say one of your Facebook friends stabs you in the electronic back by posting inappropriate stuff on your Wall (Writing on Walls) or spamming all your other friends, and you really have no choice but to cut him loose. To remove someone from your collection of Facebook friends:
At the top right of any Facebook page, click the Account link and then click Edit Friends.
On the left side of the page that appears, click the All Connections link.
Scroll to the name of the person you want to “unfriend,” and then click the X that appears to the right of his name.
In the confirmation box that appears, click Remove. You’re friends no more.
