UNDERSTANDING SELF-REFLECTION

There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-reflection. The key is to find time when you can be silent and really focus on what matters most. Some people are able to do this when they are jogging or walking, others while they are commuting by train or car. For some, it is when they pray or meditate. You focus on the inner voice, rather than the outside noise.

My personal time for self-reflection is often at the end of each day, when my work and family activities have been completed. I've made my phone calls and sent my e-mails. I've exercised, and my children are in bed. In these quiet moments, I reflect on the day that is coming to a close, the impact that I have made, and the impact that others have made on me. I ask myself the following questions, which are personal in nature: What did I say I was going to do today, and what did I actually do? If what I did was different than what I planned, what were the reasons? What went well, and what did not? How did I treat people? Am I proud of the way I lived this day? If I had the day to live over again, what would I do differently? And finally, What did I learn today that will have an impact on how I live the next day, the next week, and going forward?

The questions you ask yourself may be similar to mine, or they may be very different, depending on your particular situation. Ask yourself the questions that are the most relevant to you. You may want to record your reflections in a journal. Personally, I find it helpful to write things down so that I can tell when I'm really being self-reflective, instead of just daydreaming. Putting my thoughts in writing also gives me notes to review later.

In addition to my daily practice, every year in early December I attend a silent retreat. This is a time I set aside to really get to know myself and to think deeply about what matters to me. As the Jesuits who run the retreat explain, in silence we are able to “dispose ourselves” so that we can really listen to our inner thoughts. When we stop talking and remove ourselves from conversation, we can engage in listening on a deeper level. For me, the retreat provides a few precious days without phones, faxes, my BlackBerry, and other outside distractions. There are only paper, a pen, and silence, which allow me to delve into the key questions of who I am, what my values are, and what difference I want to make during the short time I am on earth.

Understand that when I went to my first retreat, I was a fairly animated, type-A personality and very quantitatively oriented. It was my future father-in-law, Tom Jansen, who suggested that I join him on the retreat. I wanted his approval, so I agreed, even though I had no idea until we were on our way to the retreat that I would have to be silent for three days. At the time, I thought it would be difficult for me to be silent for three minutes, let alone three days. However, once the retreat began, I saw the value of being able to contemplate, without distraction, my values, my goals, and what I wanted to accomplish in the next five years of my life.

For the next thirty consecutive years and counting, my father-in-law and I have continued the tradition of going on the retreat. Wherever I am in the world—Tokyo, Singapore, São Paulo, or someplace in between—I always make sure I return to St. Paul, Minnesota, in early December for the retreat.

At this point in your life, you may not be able to devote three days to a silent retreat. But what about fifteen minutes a day? Surely your life and future are worth that investment. The next time you have some unexpected free time on your hands—a conference call ends early or gets cancelled—rather than racing to fill it up, consider devoting that time to contemplation and self-reflection. I keep a list of things I want to think about more deeply for just those occasions.

On a recent business trip to New York, as I waited at the gate at LaGuardia, an announcement was made that our flight was delayed. Other travelers scrambled to see if they could book another flight, or immediately picked up their cell phones to complain to someone about being delayed. Instead, I found a quiet corner of the gate area and started to go through my list of things I wanted to give more thought to: career coaching for a friend or advice for someone who was having difficulty in a relationship. Rather than seeing the delay as a huge inconvenience, I regarded it as a gift of time for self-reflection, which I knew would benefit me in dozens of ways.

Although I would like to say that I am disciplined enough to engage in self-reflection on a continuous basis, I'm human. Even after all these years of practice, sometimes I neglect the routine. The same thing will happen to you from time to time, perhaps because of several large projects at work, a new baby, or out-of-town guests coming for a visit. You are so busy you skip your daily self-reflection. You tell yourself that you'll do it tomorrow or next week. The problem, as it is with many good habits, such as maintaining a healthy diet or exercising regularly, is that it is all too easy to slip into your old ways. Before you know it, you haven't taken time out for self-reflection for a week or even a month or more, and all kinds of chaos creep back into your life. The good news is that when you fall out of the discipline of daily self-reflection, you can easily resume. In a quiet moment, sit down and reflect about what was going on that kept you from engaging in self-reflection. Where did it almost take you? What did you learn? Did you gain clarity about what you really want? The insight you gain may be worth the lapse and all the upset it caused.

No matter how or where you engage in self-reflection, use the time to contemplate whatever is on your mind, such as a particular opportunity, challenge, or even crisis. The same questions you asked personally now apply as you think about how you handled a certain situation. What was the outcome? What would you do differently? What did you learn that you will apply in the future? Taking the time to reflect each day on all the priorities of your life—work, family, personal, and so forth—will reinforce your commitment to make choices and decisions that are consistent with your values. Over time, this habit will become the foundation of your values-based leadership.