KEY COMPONENTS OF COMMUNICATION

Communication is not only what you say. If that were the case, then just about everyone would be an effective communicator, which experience shows is not the case. There are key qualities you must possess to be effective. You must be credible and trustworthy, a good listener, aware of what makes communication effective, and able to relate to each member of your team.

Being credible and trustworthy is absolutely essential if you want people not only to listen to you but to believe what you have to say. You could go through every Dale Carnegie course on influencing people and be an active member of Toastmasters. You could be smooth and articulate. But all the polish in the world won't help you if you are not credible and trusted. If your team does not understand your values and can't see that you live them, they are not going to listen to you—no matter how well you speak. They may hear you, but the loop playing inside their heads as you talk could very well be, Why should I listen? Why should I care about what he or she has to say?

Credibility and trustworthiness come from being open, honest, and real. When people know you and what you stand for, they will trust that what you say is true. They won't shrug off your message as being yet another exaggeration, and they won't ignore it in the belief that it doesn't really apply to them. They will listen and do their best to understand.

To be an effective communicator, you really need to make sure you are not doing all the talking. Although this might seem to be a paradox, the fact is that 90 percent of effective communication is listening. Rather than glossing over this point, take a deeper look at what it means to be a good listener. Just how effective are you at this highly important skill?

Many of us would be tempted to give ourselves high marks on listening because we want to see ourselves as good listeners. But have you ever heard the comment, “You don't really listen to me,” whether in your professional life or in personal interactions? Do others see you as being open minded? When people talk to you, do you demonstrate to them that you are really listening? Through self-reflection, identify where and how you demonstrate being a good listener and where you can improve.

Often my students will say to me, “Harry, I have so many thoughts and opinions; I need to get my point across and make sure people understand what I think and why.” As they work through their weekly self-reflection notes for class, however, many of them come to realize that they spend so much time and energy worrying about getting their points across that they have not heard a single word that anyone else is saying.

One of the reasons some people find it difficult to listen is that they lack true self-confidence. Without a strong foundation in this key principle, they find it hard to solicit feedback from others, especially direct reports, because they do not want to appear weak or indecisive. (The opposite is actually the case.) If this rings true for you, then you can admit that at least in part, you have been more vested in being right than in hearing all sides of an issue. With this very important realization, you can now strive to reach the point where you no longer have to be right. Through self-reflection, you can keep yourself on target to always do the right thing.

With regard to the principle of balance, in order to gain the broadest perspective possible, you need to listen to what others are saying. You can't take in the opinions offered if all you're doing is waiting for others to stop talking so that you can say what you think. A leader often recognizes the answer when he hears it explained by a member of the team. It may be that by listening to a variety of input from the team, he is able to augment or improve a solution.

Through self-reflection, you become more aware of those times when your communication was not effective—or less effective than it could be. Does your team understand your message? Do they know what is expected of them and why? Look at the results of your team. If the outcomes are not what you expect, then take a look at how you communicated with your team. What was unclear or confusing? What would you do or say differently to help your team understand what was expected of them and to deliver results that meet expectations?

When communication isn't effective, it can be disrespectful. You certainly may not have intended it to be so, but that is the result nonetheless. For example, because you are in a rush and don't take the time to think through who should receive a particular e-mail, you send it out to the entire group or department. Does every single person really need to take the time to read this note? Probably not. Similarly, do you have to “reply all” to e-mails? Wouldn't it be more respectful to be more discerning about who should receive the e-mail?

Finally, consider how you relate to your team members. Are you able to connect to those with whom you are communicating? Whether you are talking to the board, the CEO, or the summer intern, are you able to make a sincere and genuine connection? At any given moment, you may have to relate to people at levels above you and below you. When your team has an issue to deal with or an opportunity to capitalize on, you need to communicate effectively. The more you relate to them, the more you will be able to bring out the best in each person.

Your heart must be in it. It's not enough to try to understand someone's words or to engage in some surface conversation. You must exhibit a genuine desire to relate to others. This stems from the fourth principle of values-based leadership, genuine humility. Because you've never forgotten where you came from, you can relate to everyone, from your boss's boss to the most junior member of the team. It doesn't matter that you've been promoted a few times and now are a director or a vice president. You honestly see yourself as neither superior nor inferior to anyone. As far as you're concerned, you're all members of the same team.