9. The Wisdom to Know Who You Are

Principle: You must know who you are to know what you are capable of achieving. You must know where you are to assess what’s needed to proceed.

Muhammad Ali said, “I began calling myself the Greatest of All Time, hoping that eventually people would believe it.” Now he’ll go down in history as the greatest of all time, not because someone else called him that but because he said, “This is who I am”...so I ask you today...who are you?...who were you created to be?

I really don’t like when the first question that someone asks is, “What do you do?” Why do you think that is the question most people ask? Is it just a habit? Are they programmed? Or maybe they don’t have anything else to say. I truly believe the more appropriate question is, “What role do you play in this motion picture that we call life?” That’s totally different than “What do you do?” The reality is, if you know who I am, you will find out not only what I do, but also why I do it. But many people want to hear and give the microwave quick answer, so it becomes, “I’m a doctor, I’m an attorney, I’m the vice president of a company, I’m a salesperson...” Sure, that is your title, but you are also so much more than a title. You are not what you do but who you were created to be. The problem is most people haven’t thought about this question long enough to really have a definitive response. Think about it. The number-one question you’ve been asked since you were a kid is, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This has been drilled into your subconscious, so it’s only natural that you become what you do. You’ve never been asked, “Who are you?” But the reality is you must know who you are to know what you are capable of achieving.

I recently had an opportunity to attend The Steve and Marjorie Harvey Foundation Summer Camp in Texas. It is part of the Steve Harvey Mentoring Program for young men.

The goal of the program is to break the misguided habits of manhood and introduce young men to role models who provide positive examples of manhood. “The Steve Harvey Mentoring Weekend for Young Men” is a 4-day program designed to share and teach the principles of manhood to young men between the ages of 13 to 18, who live in a single, female-head-of-household home. This year I was one of those role models. I was excited about flying to Dallas to be a part of this weekend because I understood the challenges of being raised by a single female. What I didn’t know is that I was in for an amazing growth opportunity that I didn’t expect.

This program helps young men realize their potential and helps them to envision and prepare for a future in which they are strong, responsible, and productive men, so Mr. Harvey brings influential change makers from across the country to be a part of the 4-day, 3-night camp. This year, one of the influential figures was a man that I had been following for several years. His name is Michael V. Roberts, who in 1979, founded Roberts Properties, LLC, a multifaceted real estate and media enterprise he owns with his brother. The firm’s portfolio consists of six properties located across St. Louis, including the Roberts Orpheum Theater, Roberts Lofts on the Plaza, Roberts Place Lofts, Roberts Place Homes, Roberts Tower, and Bahamas-based Roberts Isle. I had met Mr. Roberts about a year earlier at an awards ceremony but didn’t have an opportunity to speak with him at length.

To my surprise, I’d get that opportunity in Texas. At the end of our first day of camp, which took place on Steve Harvey’s ranch right outside of the Dallas–Fort Worth area, the guest speakers were being shuttled back to the hotel where we were staying. It was a long day and now the last shuttle was arriving to take four of us who were still hanging around camp back to the hotel.

The passengers that evening consisted of me; James Bailey, the CEO of Operation Hope, a National Economic Empowerment Organization; Nina Brown, a popular Atlanta radio producer; and Michael Roberts. The three of us piled in the back of the vehicle, while the elder statesman, Mr. Roberts, took the front passenger seat. We were all tired from a long day of activities, but I was also excited. I’d have a 30-minute ride back with a billionaire real estate developer and I had questions. I began asking Mr. Roberts about his upbringing in St. Louis and how he was able to build his wealth in the face of adversity that made poverty commonplace in the area he was raised.

As I prepared to engage him and ask his opinions, he turned around and asked the three of us in the back the same question one at a time. “Do you think outside of the box?” he asked. James quickly responded, “Yes, yes I do.” Nina gave the same response, ‘Yes, of course I think outside of the box.” Next it was my turn, and almost before he could ask the question I said, “Yes, I do think outside of the box.”

To our surprise, Mr. Roberts looked at us all and said, “I should come back there and spank you all!” Our faces dropped. We just knew we had the right answer. While we were eagerly awaiting an explanation, Mr. Roberts turned back around in his seat and said, “There is no box.” He explained, “Society tells us there is a box to think outside of, so we create it.”

This concept stuck with me. I realized that I and so many others I’ve encountered considered themselves forward thinkers, but we were all creating boxes. The reality is you create boxes and you allow others to put you in a box to make them feel better. They don’t want you to try something that they haven’t done before or known someone to do because it’s the unknown. After all, if you could not rely on the baker to be a baker tomorrow, or the dentist to be a dentist, then the world would be in chaos, right? Well, that isn’t your issue. You must realize that no one designs you; you design yourself. You determine how you will use what you’ve been given to make the “you” that you desire to be.

People will want to throw you back in the box because this is most convenient for them. Why? The bank wants you to keep your job to lend you money. Your family wants you to provide safety for them by being stable. Your friends don’t want you to venture out because you might make a fool of yourself and bring ridicule on them as well. This problem plays out in a circle because our society places more weight on what someone does than who someone is.

When someone asks you, “Who are you?” you’re inclined to give them your name. Your name is NOT who you are but is an easy label of identification. What I can tell you is “what” I do is not who I am...this is why so many lost themselves when the recent economic downturn left many without a job. You often associate your identity with your job and that can be dangerous. When the job is gone, you yourself become lost.

However, if you were to say, “I am going back to school to learn a new trade for the next 2 years, but I won’t tell anyone what my new profession will be until I am finished,” people would be confused and not know where to place you. If you don’t believe me, try it. People and society need to put you into boxes to make themselves comfortable, and you allow them to do so. They don’t want you to try something that amounts to the unknown. You then place restrictions on yourself by becoming only that by which others define you. Just think. If you could not rely on the postman to be a postman tomorrow, or the doctor to be a doctor, then do you think like them that the world would be in chaos?

For hundreds of years, people’s identities have been tied to what they do. Many last names are derived from the profession of the person—Carpenter, Miller, Sawyer, Smith, and so on. You have become so accustomed to your professions being the source of your self-image and your names being the measure of who you are, you have lost your sense of something very important...yourself.

Are you independent, organized, light-hearted, creative, sensitive, analytical, a helper, a supporter, a problem-solver, a connector, a free spirit, or a lover of people? How would you describe yourself? What are the things that make you happy or provide joy to your life? I realize now that one question that I thought was so silly is a great way to begin to discover who you are when you identify what you would do for free. What do you love so much you would do it for free?

Consciousness lets you aspire to loftier, meaning-based purposes. It lets you figure out what you were meant to do, and how to use your talents in service of that meaning. What makes a good meaningful purpose? It should be clear, concise, and specific, focused but flexible, energizing, and nourishing, rooted in love not fear, aligned with your fundamentals, especially your passions and desires, something you connect with emotionally, not just intellectually, grand and inspiring, and, most of all, worth building a life around.

To generate possible sources of meaningful purpose, answer these questions: What are your proudest accomplishments? What things in your life have made you feel complete, happy, or joy? What are your strengths? What are your passions? What do you want to change about you? Purpose is tied to passion. What do you believe your life’s purpose is?

I spent many years letting those traits fly wildly or lay dormant in response to the environment around me. Regardless of the kind of people or situations, those traits could come out but were seldom guided. It is like going into a job just because you can meet the task requirements.

Being able to execute tasks is one thing, but having a framework that activates and guides who you are is another. In the wrong situation you feel stifled, frustrated, and disempowered because of the mismatch. Regardless of the tasks or title of a job, if it doesn’t provide room for you, you’ll never excel. The traits you carry around have enormous potential, or can cause huge amounts of damage if not guided and activated properly.

The key for me was understanding that the two most important days of my life were the day I was born and the day I discovered why I was born.

It’s important to know yourself to reveal aspects of your character or psychological makeup to assist with planning and development. You must discover the things that are most suitable for your personality type and the best opportunities and direction to aid in implementing your plan.

Spoken truths always cause change that is positive in the long run, even if it’s frightening at first.