CHAPTER 16
Polite Ways to Decline a Meeting Invitation
by Liane Davey
There it is in your inbox: an invitation to a meeting you really don’t want to attend. Maybe because it’s shoehorned into one of the few open spaces in your calendar. Or perhaps it’s at a time that’s already booked, and now you’re left to decide whom to turn down. Sometimes you just need to click “decline.”
Your first challenge is deciding which meetings to say no to. Establish a set of criteria for participation, and stick with it. Ask yourself the following questions.
What is the value of the meeting?
Start by assessing whether the meeting is about something important, timely, and worthwhile. Is it set up for success by having a clear purpose and an agenda? Is there background information available to inform participants in advance? Are the appropriate people invited so that meaningful progress can be made? If the value of the meeting isn’t clear from the invitation, reply back with a few open-ended questions before making your decision:
- “Could you please provide some additional information on the agenda?”
- “What stage of decision making are we at on this topic?”
- “How should I prepare for the discussion?”
Am I the right person to attend?
If it’s clear that the meeting is worthwhile, your next question is whether or not you should be there. Are the issues within the purview of your role? Do you have the expertise to contribute to the conversation? Are you under-qualified or overqualified for the level of decision making on the table? If you’re questioning why you were invited, reach out to the meeting organizer before responding:
- “What are you looking for me to contribute at this meeting?”
- “Who else will be there from my department?”
- “Who will I be representing?”
Is the meeting a priority for me right now?
If you believe the meeting will be valuable and that you would make a contribution to the discussion, consider how it aligns with your goals and work. How central is the meeting topic to your role? Where does the issue fit relative to your other immediate demands? How unique is your contribution, and could your seat be better filled by someone else?
If you ask yourself these questions and find that your participation isn’t essential, then it’s appropriate to decline the meeting. Even if you choose not to attend, the following options can help you demonstrate that you’re a good team player and a positive contributor, even if you can’t be in the room.
Can I stop the meeting altogether?
If the meeting failed your first criteria because you don’t believe it’s set up for success, talk with the organizer about your concerns. It’s possible the person will dismiss your comments, but you could also trigger one of two positive outcomes: Either the meeting gets better positioned for success or gets cancelled. Try one of the following approaches:
- “This is an interesting topic. Based on our current-year priorities, I’m not sure we’re ready for a productive conversation yet. Would it be possible to push this meeting back and let the working group make a little more progress before we meet?”
- “I’m looking forward to making some decisions on this issue. From the meeting invite, it doesn’t look like Production is involved. I would like to wait until someone from that team is willing to join. Otherwise, we won’t be able to make any decisions.”
- “Based on the information in the invitation, it looks like this meeting is for informational purposes. Would it be possible to get a summary sent out rather than hold a meeting?”
Can I recommend someone else?
If the meeting is important, but it failed your second criteria because you’re not the right person for the job, try nominating someone else. Invest some effort in finding the right person so you don’t appear to be shirking the responsibility. Try floating these options:
- “I’m glad that you’re interested in my input, but I don’t believe I’m the most qualified person on this topic. I did a little digging, and it looks like Pat would have the necessary context. Would you be comfortable inviting Pat rather than me?”
- “Given that this is a decision-making meeting, I think it’s more appropriate to have my manager represent our team.”
- “Thanks for the invite to this meeting. I don’t think I’m required at this point. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to send José as my delegate.”
Can I contribute in advance?
If the meeting failed your third criteria (you determined that it was an important topic on which you could add unique value, but attending the meeting doesn’t fit with your schedule or priorities), consider adding value in advance. Take a few minutes to pull together some notes and to brief the chair or a suitable participant. That will be much more efficient than attending the entire meeting. You can respond to the organizer by saying:
- “This is going to be an important discussion. I’m not able to attend, but I will find some time to share my thoughts so you can include them in the conversation.”
- “I’m sorry that I can’t attend the meeting. If I prepare you in advance, could I ask that you represent my ideas at the meeting?”
Can I attend only part of the meeting?
If one or more agenda items meets all three of your criteria but others don’t, you might have the option of attending only part of the meeting. Respond with one of the following approaches:
- “Thanks for the invite. I think it’s really important for me to be part of the discussion on rebranding. Given a few other priorities at the moment, I’m going to excuse myself once that item is complete.”
- “Would it be possible to cover the rebranding discussion as the first agenda item? I can’t stay for the entire meeting but I’d really like to contribute on that one.”
Regardless of which option you choose, you’re trying to do three things. First, model deliberateness about the use of time. Second, share your rationale so that the meeting organizer has some context for why you’re not participating. Third, make an effort to meet the organizer’s needs, even if it’s not in the way they had originally envisioned.
It might be a bit of a culture shock at first, but all the overwhelmed people with 35 hours a week of meetings will quickly admire your discipline, and you may find folks declining your invites based on similar criteria.
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Liane Davey is the cofounder of 3COze Inc. She is the author of You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done (Wiley, 2013) and a coauthor of Leadership Solutions: The Pathway to Bridge the Leadership Gap (Jossey-Bass, 2007). Follow her on Twitter @LianeDavey.
Adapted from content posted on hbr.org on May 17, 2016.