This is my fantasy.

We open on a tidy suburban kitchen. Actually, it’s a room off to the side of the kitchen, one with a washer and dryer. On the floor is a basket full of laundry. The camera closes in.

Out of the laundry pops the cutest little stuffed bear you’ve ever seen. He’s pink and fluffy, he has a happy little face, and there’s one sock stuck adorably to his left ear.

“Hi, I’m Snuggles, the fabric-softening bear. And I …”

The first bullet rips into Snuggles’s stomach, blows out of his back in a blizzard of cotton entrails, and punches a fist-sized hole in the dryer behind. Snuggles grabs the side of the Rubbermaid laundry basket and sinks down, his plastic eyes rolling as he looks for the source of the gunfire.

Taking cover behind 1/16-inch of flexible acrylic rubber, Snuggles looks out of the basket’s plastic mesh and into the living room. He sees nothing. The dining room. Nothing.

Snuggles is easing over the backside of the basket when the second shot takes his head off at the neck. His body lands on top of the laundry, which is remarkably soft and fluffy. Fade to black.

We open on a woman in a bathroom, clad in an apron and wielding a brush, poised to clean her toilet bowl. She opens the lid.

But wait. What’s this? It’s a little man in a boat, floating above the sparkling waters of Lake Porcelain. Everything looks clean already!

With a tip of his teeny hat, he introduces himself. “I’m the Ty-D-Bowl Man, and I …”

Both hat and hand disappear in a red mist as the first bullet screams through and blows a hole in the curved toilet wall behind Ty-D-Bowl Man. Water begins to pour out on the floor as the woman screams and dives for cover in the tub.

Ty-D-Bowl Man scrambles out of the bowl, but when he climbs onto the big silver lever, it gives way, dropping him back into the swirling waters of the flushing toilet. We get two more glimpses of his face as he orbits around, once, twice, then down to his final reward.

We open on a grocery store, where we see Mr. Whipple, scolding a group of ladies for squeezing some toilet paper. The first shot is high and wide, shattering a jar of mayonnaise….