We are all born with influencing skills. Babies can get attention when they need it and toddlers are even more influential, using charm and tantrums to get what they want.
As we grow older, we add more layers to these innate influencing skills, introducing such things as persuasion and flirtation. Most of us are unaware that we are doing this – it comes naturally. Our education teaches us to use another powerful influencing skill: reason. So, already, whether you know it or not, you have some finely honed influencing skills that you can work with.
In this chapter I want to focus on your innate influencing skills and show you how you can use them to create a strong base for the brilliant influencing skills that will follow.
The four things we all know about influence
By the time we leave school, we have learned four fundamental things about how to influence the people around us: the “four As of influence”.
- Actions. “Actions speak louder than words” is a cliché because it is true. We will look at what three actions speak loudest and have the greatest positive impact on other people.
- Attitudes. Our attitudes infect the people around us. I will show you the three brilliant attitudes that send powerful messages about who you are and why people should be influenced by you.
- Analysis. Being able to give compelling reasons is a crucial part of being influential. I will show you how to prepare for influence and a great technique for overcoming resistance when you disagree with someone.
- Approach. Early in life, we discover the three approaches that we can take to get what we want from other people. I call these “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. In the last section of this chapter, I will offer you the choice.
Actions
We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.Mohandas K. Gandhi
Three types of action consistently impress others and encourage them to like, trust and respect you: courtesy, generosity and follow-through. Let’s look at these one at a time.
Courtesy
Courtesy is a label for all those actions that both conform to social norms and make other people feel that it is a pleasure to be around you. Examples include letting people go first, holding doors, helping with parcels, and saying “thank you”. These are not difficult, but they say a lot about you. They also trigger one of the most important influence responses, reciprocity: I am grateful for what you have done for me, so I want to do something in return.
Think about some times when you did people favours; did they thank you for it? An unacknowledged favour probably left you wondering why you bothered; but on another occasion, when you received proper thanks, you were probably pleased to have been of help. Maybe you have noticed that, while a general thank you is courteous, it has little impact, because it feels like a reflexive response. You can create more impact by making your “thank you” more specific. Try saying: “Thank you for …”.
Generosity
Generosity builds your influence in so many ways: showing you have the resources to be generous, creating a sense of reciprocal obligation, and showing you are thoughtful, for example. Sharing ideas, donating your time, and not quibbling about details of who owes what to whom, are all indicators of generosity: they say, “here is someone of substance”.
To build your influence, look for opportunities to be generous. Try thinking about your current colleagues and business contacts, and make a list of all of them down the left-hand side of a sheet of paper. Against each name, note down one generous thing you could do for that person in the next month.
Follow-through
When you make a commitment, see that you honour it. If you are unsure whether you will be able to, it is far better to not make the commitment in the first place. This way, you will get a reputation as someone who can be trusted and relied upon, which is important, because people will be attracted to you when your actions accord with your words.
Keep a list of the commitments you make in your notebook, diary or organiser. Make sure you record the deadlines too, and schedule time to act on each undertaking. Best of all, if you use an electronic organiser, set a reminder.
Attitudes
The attitude you portray to the world says something important about who you really are. Your attitude will affect my behaviour and my attitude. Brilliant attitudes are self-reinforcing, as are negative attitudes. Three brilliant attitudes are: flexibility, persistence and optimism. Together, they will make you more resilient and able to cope with adversity, to take setbacks as challenges, and to keep going when you’d really rather curl up somewhere cosy. Resilience is influential because it shows that you can stick with what you believe, and it demonstrates confidence and mental toughness. These are attractive character traits that we associate with influential people.
Flexibility
If two people are in the same situation and they want the same thing, then the one who is more flexible in their behaviour will get what they want; and the one who is more flexible in how they deal with the other will feel that they are in control. When we are willing to try different approaches, we often achieve our goals.
Do you remember a time when you tried to influence somebody and it was just not working? What did you do? If you ultimately failed, it is probably because you stuck to one or two ways of influencing them. If you succeeded, it may well have been because you switched tactics until you got the result you wanted. If at first you don’t succeed; try something different!
Persistence
Persistence – although not to the point of futility – is an attractive attitude that also helps you to reach your goal. If you find someone is resistant to an offer or a request, then keep asking, but look for different ways to do so. People tend to agree to things after you have asked several times. Once or twice may not be enough; you may need to ask six or seven times. As long as you stay polite and are prepared to respect a clear request to stop, you have nothing to lose.
When have you recently tried to influence a situation and, looking back, you can see that you may have given in too soon? Maybe you still have a chance to go back and try again.
Optimism
An optimistic outlook is a huge asset. This is not about blindly believing that things will work out: it is about looking for opportunities that will move you towards the outcome you have planned.
A part of your brain called the reticular activating system (RAS) increases your alertness when it receives a relevant stimulus. If you know what you want, then your RAS will alert you to things in your environment that will help you achieve it. It is your RAS that is responsible for spotting lots of cars just like yours, whenever you change your car, and is often what helps you notice opportunities at just the right time, so I call it our “serendipity organ”. Thanks to this fabulous piece of brain circuitry, optimism really can help you to get what you want.
Analysis
Humans are rational creatures and we need a reason to act. By analysing a situation accurately and presenting your conclusions logically, you will be more influential.
Preparation is all-important, because most of us are unable to develop an accurate rationale and a powerful influencing strategy on the spur of the moment. The more important something is, the more preparation it deserves. Yet, too often, people go into situations that really matter, without giving any thought to what outcome they want, and how to get it. As they say in the British Army, “Prior planning and preparation prevents pitifully poor performance.”
Before you set out to influence anyone, in any context, the following process will help you to prepare.
- Determine what you want to achieve.
- Gather the facts.
- Consider everyone’s perceptions.
- Decide how to approach the situation.
- Identify what can go wrong and how you can handle it.
Don’t argue: cut-up pie
One of the worst things you can do if you want to influence someone is to allow yourself to get into an argument. When you imply someone is wrong, it activates their “reactance”. This is the pressure we feel to act against a perceived force. If anything, arguing cements, rather than loosens, opinions.
Instead, look for opportunities to agree on a part of what you may otherwise argue about; it is easier to move from agreement to agreement than from disagreement to agreement. Then look at the remaining part which you disagree about. It is smaller, so not only do you now have some common ground, but the scope of your disagreement is smaller. Can you now further divide the area of disagreement into one part you agree on and one you don’t?
If you can keep going like this, you’ll find very little at issue, and your influencing task far easier. Here is an example of a dialogue that uses this technique. It starts with a challenge to a piece of work you have done:
| Abe: | “Your conclusions are all wrong; this piece of work is rubbish.” |
| Bea: | “You don’t agree with my conclusions: is it the findings you disagree with or the way I interpreted them?” |
| Abe: | “The findings are fine. Your analysis is wrong.” |
| Bea: | “OK, so we’re agreed on the findings. Now, you don’t like my analysis: is it my methodology you disagree with, or the way I carried it out?” |
| Abe: | “You worked through it fine, but you should never have taken that approach.” |
| Bea: | “Good, so let’s discuss what other approaches I could take.” |
Notice how you are both in agreement on a couple of issues and the scope of your disagreement is now much narrower (as shown in the diagram). You are no longer going to argue about whether the work is rubbish; instead, you can discuss approaches in a rational way.
Approach
The influencing skills in this book are powerful. So how you use them is important, if you want to build sustained influence, and feel good about yourself. There are three approaches you can take, which I call “the good, the bad and the ugly” – these are, respectively: integrity, coercion and manipulation.
The good: integrity
Integrity is the extent to which your actions and your statements are aligned. It is linked to honesty and your sense of morality, so integrity is influential. It wins you respect, trust and liking. If I am confident of your integrity, then, at the very least, I will assess your arguments on their merits. I may even decide to accept them as true because I trust you. I am not accepting your judgement; I am accepting you.
The bad: coercion
We do what we are forced to do. While everyone will resist coercion, we all have a breaking point. If you have a big enough stick, and you are prepared to use it, then you can gain compliance from anyone. Coercion occurs whenever intimidation or violence is threatened. I believe that compelling acquiescence is appropriate only in the direst emergencies, when people cannot think logically and time is of the essence. It is important to acknowledge that coercion does have a role to play and that some people use it, but that is as far as this book will go in discussing it.
The ugly: manipulation
When your intention is to compel, but you hide it by giving the appearance of free choice, this is manipulation. Here are some examples:
- Using guilt or emotional blackmail:
“If you don’t help out with this, Chris and Sam are going to have to stay late.” - Appealing to their ego:
“I’ve always thought you’re the smartest one here; we’d have a better chance if you did it.” - Creating fear:
“If you don’t offer me that extra discount, I’ll go online and say how bad your company is.” - Playing on our desire to be included, to be liked, or to be loved:
“You surely wouldn’t want to let us all down. We wouldn’t appreciate that.”
Your choice
If you choose not to demonstrate integrity in your dealings with people, they will come to distrust you and feel your influencing techniques are nothing more than manipulation.
What makes this difficult is finding the boundaries. Where does sincere praise become manipulative flattery? Who is to say that if you let me down badly, I should not resent it? Curiosity is one of our most powerful drivers, so why are adverts that exploit this said to be manipulative, yet the teacher who says “If you want to know, look it up” is just described as trying to create learning skills?
Ultimately, there is only one answer: it is your choice.
- Appealing behaviours, like courtesy, generosity and following through on your commitments, speak louder than words.
- Your attitude will influence the people around you, so choose it with care.
- Your determination to cope with setbacks and stay cheerful will help you get the results you want.
- Good preparation will allow you to put a powerful case.
- Integrity is your greatest asset as an influencer.