Chapter 5

IN SEARCH OF SIGNIFICANCE

In part 1 of this book you learned about the numerous self-imposed limitations that I allowed to control more than half of my life and how they affected my thinking, believing, and ultimately my actions. In chapter 1 I revealed that early in my childhood my dreams were unhindered and that I experienced the manifestation of several of them before I went off to college. This gave me great confidence and a feeling that nothing was impossible to achieve. I was in my early twenties when I experienced my first significant failures, hurts, near-death experiences, divorce, financial ruin, emotional breakdown, and shattered dreams. Life’s twists, turns, and tests caused my self-confidence to be weakened, my fears to be strengthened, my faith to be diminished, and my dreams to be delayed. And they would stay that way until I did some in-depth personal work and recovery.

That recovery started with working through the reasons I procrastinated and the necessary steps I needed to take to become a producer rather than a procrastinator (chapter 2). Next I had to expose all of the disempowering “What if?” questions that I had allowed to flood my psyche and infect my belief system (chapter 3). The work continued with identifying the many fears I had developed from these life experiences and how I had to confront them head on (chapter 4). Doing this work took years of focus, commitment, and facing unpleasant realities about myself, but it got me away from a very dark place and put me on a positive path where my search for significance began.

In part 2 I continue my journey beyond releasing the limits and describe the long and difficult road I traveled to realize my dreams after many years of tears. In this chapter, I share how I reimagined my life by identifying my why and establishing my life plan. I also detail the importance of fostering the right relationships, starting with self (chapter 6), and of building the courage to take risks so that you can jump to your destiny (chapter 7). Part 2 is chock-full of steps, strategies, and tactics that I employed to get to where I am today, and of the many payoffs of living beyond “What if?” (chapter 8). I continue to share not only my own stories but also those of others who faced some of the same battles I did, confronted them, and as a result have realized their dreams too.

Beginning a New Ritual—Annual ME-TREATS

After having so many life-changing experiences in the span of a decade, I found myself again in search of significance—having to reset, reinvent myself, and find new meaning for my life. So I started a new ritual. At the end of every year, in December, I would celebrate the Christmas holidays with my family, then leave my daughter with my parents or with her other set of grandparents and race off to the airport to catch my flight. I’d use the annual bonus money that my employer gave to its employees when they had a profitable year and head to the Caribbean or another tropical island. For five to seven days I would spend time alone. It was a time of retreating, refreshing, resting, and refueling after a long, demanding, hectic, and draining year. I started calling this yearly ritual my ME-TREAT.

My job at the time required me to travel quite a bit. I was managing a large department and leading a large team. I was a single mom with a very active adolescent, I was in school earning my master’s degree, and I didn’t take much vacation time throughout each year—a day here and a few days there, but not a full week. So, when the end of the year came, you can imagine how ready I was to take a break from work, school, home responsibilities, and yes, even mommy duties. Bermuda, Barbados, Paradise Island, St. Thomas, St. Maarten, Jamaica, Cabo San Lucas, and Grand Bahama were just a few of the favorite destinations I enjoyed using my timeshare. The weather was always perfect that time of year. I was surrounded by the beautiful aquamarine ocean, every destination was very welcoming to tourists, and each country lived by the mantras “Enjoy life,” “Don’t worry, be happy,” and “No problem, Mon.”

My Annual ME-TREAT Schedule

For the first few years of my ME-TREATS, the schedule went something like this: I would spend the first three days sleeping in, vegging on the couch, watching movies, taking island tours, shopping, enjoying the sunrise and sunset on the beach, eating all of the lobsters my heart desired (yes, I’m a seafood lover), and enjoying the peace and serenity and the sounds of the ocean. It would usually take me three to four days just to decompress and shift my mind from the hustle and bustle of everyday work and home responsibilities to vacation mode.

On the third or fourth day (when my mind was clear), I’d pull out my laptop and open my document called “New Year’s Resolutions/Goals.” I would review what I had written on the previous ME-TREAT. Throughout the year I would have pulled them out to update my progress, but life and work were so fast paced and hectic and I had so many things going on that I didn’t have much time to review them. Getting away for vacation each year was my time to assess how effective I had been at accomplishing those resolutions.

While reviewing my goals, I’d write down all of the accomplishments from that year that I should be proud of. Then I’d reflect on what goals were not completed and why, and determine if they should be transferred to the new year or abandoned altogether. I would also document some of the lessons I had learned that year. Going through this exercise was cathartic and made me feel proud and at peace. It was not that everything had gone perfect in my life that year, nor had I accomplished all that I had planned for the year, but I was honest with myself and committed to working on me and to doing better each year.

So often we go through life without slowing down to take inventory of where we are, to count our blessings, smell the flowers, and celebrate our milestones. Not that we have to do this every day or every week, but it should be something we do often. When we don’t do this, we allow so much time to pass and we forget about the things we’ve accomplished and all that has happened in our life. Doing this review helps us to offset some of the challenges we face, including some of the bad things that can overshadow our dreams and aspirations.

After reviewing my resolutions and identifying what I had accomplished (and had not accomplished), I’d begin the process of setting new resolutions and goals. When that ritual was completed I’d do something to celebrate. I would start with toasting myself with a chilled bottle of my favorite sparkling cider; then I’d make dinner reservations at one of the local restaurants that came highly recommended by the hotel’s concierge. I’d ask for a special table, indicating that I was celebrating a special occasion. I’d put on a nice outfit and enjoy a full-course meal and all of the special treatment from the restaurant staff.

On the last two days of my ME-TREAT I’d take it easy and soak up the sun while sitting on the beach and listening to the sounds of the waves. I could hear myself thinking clearer and dreaming bigger dreams by the water. Oh, how I dreamed of living this life one day. I’d pull out my journal and, like I did as a kid, allow my imagination to run wild and take me on an adventure down Possibility Parkway.

The Return of My Dreams and Imagination

After all of the devastating experiences that had derailed my dreams and taken away my personal power, I started to imagine all of the things I could see myself doing beyond my present circumstances—wishing and hoping that one day they would come true. My new list of dreams included the following:

• Opening up a success center—a studio where I could do coaching and conduct workshops and seminars on communication, professional etiquette, and public speaking

• Running a state scholarship pageant system for young girls

• Winning a title as a national pageant queen

• Being promoted and making a six-figure salary and having no financial worries

• Launching my own consulting and training firm

• Meeting the man of my dreams (again) and enjoying a healthy and fulfilling relationship

• Living in a resort-style community, near the beach, that would feel like I was on vacation year-round

• Traveling, speaking, and being known all over the world for delivering a transformational message and for being an expert on certain knowledge

• Hosting my own talk show

• Writing lots of books that would be on shelves in major bookstores around the world

Yes, these were lofty dreams, and I wrote them all down in my journal. Interestingly enough, they didn’t change much from year to year. I kept imagining the same dreams every year, which to me indicated that I must be destined to achieve them. Unfortunately, for the first few years of my ME-TREATS I’d go back home, unpack my suitcases, put the journal with all of those dreams in the top drawer of my nightstand, and print out my New Year’s resolutions and goals, which I’d place on top of my journal, with the intention to review them every month. Notice I said intention.

Repeating a Cycle

Within a few days I was back to my routines of work, home, and mommy duties, and before I knew it weeks and months had passed before I reviewed my goals. When I did, I hate to admit it, still slipped into the abyss of doubt and fears by asking myself, What if I try opening the success center and go broke? What if I start dating now as a single mom and get my heart broken again? What if I don’t pass that certification course? What if I write that book and it doesn’t sell? My answers would be based on all of the limits and obstacles in my way at the time, so I would talk myself out of taking the risk. I would go back to life as usual.

Even though I was on this journey of self-care, self-reflection, and self-discovery, I was still repeating a cycle. It was frustrating to be both stuck and in a comfort zone at the same time while trying to break out. I had made so much progress on my journey, but I was still getting in my way. I was still allowing my past to disrupt, derail, and delay my future by what I thought and what I spoke to myself.

My Personal Change Management Process

Over the years I’ve come to the recognize that what I was experiencing was my own personal change management process. Interestingly enough, this process would become part of my life’s work, but I didn’t know it at the time. It was many years later that I realized that I had to go through the process first so that I could be more effective in helping others go through the same process. This realization ultimately helped me to be more effective in my HR and consulting work because I understood how difficult change can be. It’s uncomfortable, it’s risky and it’s unknown, and none of us like that kind of uncertainty. We like to hold on to the familiar and to what we think we can control. But change is a process of letting go of the old and embracing the new.

One of the resources that helped me get through my change process was a book on change management by William Bridges called Transitions.¹ It was recommended to me by a mentor when I was going through some job changes, but oh did it help me as well with some personal changes I was experiencing.

Bridges identifies three stages of transition that people go through. Stage 1 is called Endings. In this stage we experience anxiety, sadness, frustration, and loneliness, and even depression might occur.

In stage 2, the Neutral Zone, we tend to be impatient, confused, or insecure as we are getting used to new processes, procedures, and relationships and to a new reality. Even though the worst part of the change we experienced in stage 1 may be past us, we still struggle with various lingering feelings such as anxiety, resentment, and anger.

This is where I was stuck—in the Neutral Zone, the in-between time. As I tried to move beyond my past and embrace a new mindset, I felt anxious, scared, and insecure. I had done some in-depth work on myself by addressing my disempowering beliefs and present bias, by confronting my fears, and by letting go of other self-sabotaging behaviors, but I hadn’t quite arrived yet at what Bridges describes as stage 3, the New Beginnings stage.

During this phase, he says, we experience new energy and come to accept the change we are undergoing. We may see the first results and benefits of that change and find it to be acceptable or better than expected, and thus be willing to invest in and commit to it. Our attitude and our actions may change to align with our new beginning. It would be a few more months before I started seeing tangible benefits, but I was determined to move forward and not stay stuck in neutral.

That year I took more aggressive actions to break the cycle I kept repeating. I knew I wanted more out of life and I was feeling some anxiety about getting older and not having accomplished many of my dreams. I was in search of significance and purpose and I wasn’t fulfilled. I made a commitment to invest more in my development and to build more confidence by reading more books, listening to motivational messages, getting a mentor, and attending seminars and workshops. That year I attended Oprah’s Live Your Best Life Tour and it lit a fire under me. I read the New York Times best-selling book by Rick Warren called The Purpose Driven Life and it taught me to be specific and deliberate in writing down my purpose statement. I then had the pleasure of meeting world-renowned motivational speaker Les Brown while attending a conference, and we became fast friends. He immediately pointed out gifts and talents that I had shelved for years, and some I hadn’t seen in myself. He invited me to attend a speaking seminar he was hosting later that year called Live Your Dreams, and I agreed to make the investment.

It turned out to be one of the best decisions and most transformational relationships of my life. That event enabled me to further strengthen my purpose statement and establish my life plan, and I secured an opportunity to be personally mentored and coached by Les. I earned the designation of being one of his Platinum Speakers, which afforded me the opportunity to travel with him for five years, speaking on stages and at organizations around the world. That year was my breakthrough and breakout moment, and my life took a dramatic turn for the better. By traveling with Les Brown and observing and attending these events as a speaker, coach, and entrepreneur, I saw what success really looked like. I internalized the feedback and coaching he gave me and was finally experiencing the benefits of change that Bridges referred to as stage 3: New Beginnings.

That year’s ME-TREAT was like none before it. I was fired up and armed with more information, resources, and motivation than I’d had in prior years. I still followed a schedule similar to what I had followed in the past, but this year on the fourth day, when it came time to set new goals and resolutions, I instead pulled out my purpose statement and the life plan I had drafted. I had never before had these items written down so succinctly and so aligned with my purpose. They had become so much clearer as I read Rick Warren’s book and many others, listened to the words that Les Brown spoke into my life, and followed the advice of others I trusted.

Moving Beyond New Year’s Resolutions to a Purpose and a Life Plan

This year’s ME-TREAT was a game changer in helping me begin to realize my dreams. For the first five years of these ME-TREATS I set New Year’s resolutions and made empty promises to myself. For example, I set a resolution to work out every day at the gym, eat healthier, and lose ten to fifteen pounds by April; to save thousands of dollars by the end of the year; to get out of debt; and to learn a second language. Turns out that these are the most common resolutions that people set year after year.

According to U.S. News and World Report, more than 40 percent of us make resolutions, and at the end of the year only 8 percent of us feel we were successful in achieving our goals. In fact, on average, 80 percent of resolutions fail by the second week of February each year.² I was among those resolution breakers. I can’t remember ever going to the gym every day, so the money spent on a gym membership every January was a total waste. I never learned a second language fluently, nor did I lose ten pounds by April, or by July, or by November. In fact, I gained a few extra pounds. You get the point.

Understanding Your Purpose

Understanding your purpose starts with the most basic questions in life: Who am I? Why am I here? When you start answering these questions you’ll bring new meaning to every aspect of your life—to your career, to your relationships, and to your responses to life’s challenges. Too many people live their life frustrated because they have no idea what they want to become or why they were created. They spend years in search of significance, like I did, trying to find their why, yet so few live a fulfilling and meaningful life.

For many years I’ve said that many people die at age thirty but don’t get buried until age 85. Why? Because they don’t have meaning, significance, or a clear vision for their life. They go through life wandering, seeking direction, dreaming and imagining but never implementing, and by the time they are older they’ve got more regrets than achievements. It’s been said that the poorest person in the world is the one without a dream or vision, and the most frustrated person in the world is the one with a dream or vision who places it on pause and never achieves it.

In order to find significance, we must have a purpose and a life plan. Purpose is what you were created and born to do. It’s your why. It’s the reason you’re wired the way you are. It’s the reason you possess the kinds of skills and talents you have. Purpose has to do with your destiny (or your destination). It drives you and makes you get out of bed every morning. It gives you a strong sense of self-worth and a dose of energy and passion for life. And it guides your choices and decisions. I believe you have no limitations except the ones you have accepted from others and those that you have imposed on yourself. If you truly know why you were born and how gifted and talented and valuable you are, then you have to believe there’s nothing you can’t achieve.

My purpose statement is to train, coach, teach, and empower others with knowledge, strategies, and skills, and to enable them to see a larger vision for themselves so that they find meaning, fulfillment, and success in every area of their life. Yes, this was my goal in life even while I had not yet attained these things for myself. But I came to understand that all of my experiences, good and bad, all of the lessons I was learning and the journey I was on were preparing me for this assignment that was imminent in my future. Do you know your purpose? Have you written it down? How are your life experiences preparing you for what you are destined to achieve?

Once you know your purpose you can draft your own life plan. That year I had developed one for the first time in my life, and I aligned it with all of the dreams I had written down year after year—the dreams that got placed in my nightstand and collected dust, never getting fulfilled. Since that time more than twenty years ago, I have never been without a life plan. I refresh it often as my life and needs change. I pray over it, I track it, and I celebrate milestones along the way. It is my road map and my GPS for my life.

How to Develop Your Life Plan

A life plan is a written outline of the visions, dreams, and goals you want to accomplish within a certain time frame. It documents your purpose and priorities and provides a clear path for decision-making. It also brings your thoughts to life and manifests your dreams. I developed five categories of goals for my life plan: (1) career/professional, (2) health/wellness, (3) personal relationships/home life, (4) finances, and (5) spirituality. For example, my career goals have included working toward a higher position, completing a certification, or applying for a promotion; and my financial goals might include saving a certain amount of money, paying off a bill, or giving more money to charities.

A major consideration in creating a life plan is to remain flexible and make it a living, breathing document that is updated according to how your life changes and as you evolve and mature. Just like a phone app that can prompt you to do things, or like a GPS that gives you directions, so does a life plan. It is important to write down your plan, because a written plan is easier to remember, helps you to stay focused, and frees your mind to focus on other things. We have hundreds of thoughts every minute, and we cannot remember everything we think. some of my best ideas have flowed when I’ve been in the shower or driving my car, but later I forget many of those great ideas. Has this ever happened to you? I have learned to write down my great ideas as soon as I can and to keep my phone nearby so I can jot them down or quickly voice record them on one of my apps. This is also how I keep my life plan updated and refreshed.

Another key consideration I have found for developing a life plan is to take a self-assessment of where you are. This assessment requires you to be open, authentic, and honest with yourself. You have to be willing to call out your areas that need improvement, your fatal flaws, and your failures. I know it’s easy to list your strengths and focus on them, but when you don’t grow and develop new skill sets, mindsets, attitudes, and behaviors, you can become obsolete and complacent.

It is also important to identify the core values you live by. Why? Because when you are faced with decisions, you can measure your options against your values and choose the option that best aligns with your priorities or that moves you forward toward realizing your dreams. Whether it’s a simple decision, such as whether to spend money on something you don’t really need or save your money to fulfill a dream of starting your own business, or a major decision, such as a career change, a life plan helps you decide clearly what is right for you. Sticking to your core values can also help you deprioritize things that take up a lot of your time but have no relationship to your purpose. In other words, it will give you a reason to say no. Examples of core values include integrity, honesty, respect, family, loyalty, commitment, authenticity, and spirituality.

Another step in creating your life plan is to think long-term, midterm, and short-term. Identify where you see yourself in ten years, five years, and three years. Then list your overall goal for what you want to achieve in one year and the most important tasks that will get you there. Break up those tasks by quarter, then by month, then by week.

The last thing I included in my life plan was specific milestones and what success would look like. That way I had a means to measure my progress along the way.

Developing and living by my life plan gave me a whole new ritual that set my life on a very different path. As I mentioned, for the first five years of my ME-TREATS I focused on setting a bunch of nice resolutions that sounded good but were actually empty promises that I didn’t follow through on with serious commitment. But for the next five years I focused on implementing my life plan and achieving my dreams.

The year in which I created my life plan I had been aggressive and invested in my development like never before. It was a defining time in my life. I confronted my own insecurities, shortcomings, and limitations that kept me from discovering my purpose and establishing a life plan. I challenged beliefs about myself that kept me asking, “What if?” I became a producer instead of a procrastinator. I conquered my fears and learned how to take risks in pursuit of my dreams. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. I also wasn’t finished. I was a work in progress. I had just begun, and it was the start of a life-changing and lifelong journey toward realizing my dreams. For the next five years of ME-TREATS, I saw my life continue on a positive path and began to see many of my dreams come to pass. I was no longer searching for significance; I had found it. Now I was producing evidence of success and was no longer hindered by disempowering beliefs or self-sabotaging actions.