7

Meaningful Acknowledgment and Appreciation

My elder son’s room used to be full of medals, trophies, certificates, gold stars, and other evidence that he participated in soccer, choir, school, camp, and more. Most of them were for simply showing up, framed and mounted (by me) as a continually growing shrine to his worth. When he decided to focus on music, all evidence of participation in other activities was either thrown away by him (or rescued by me). What remains today are a few mementos that matter to him as evidence of his musical journey. My teenage son is focused that way. (I still have buckets of the other stuff that I will one day sort through when I have time—my guess is that 90 percent of it will end up in the dumpster.)

Every parent I talked with about this trophy phenomenon laughed out loud when I asked about their trophy “walls”—which ranged from refrigerators, actual walls, and special cases to scrapbooks and digitally produced memory books full of photos of the exact moments the honors were bestowed. Parents who have yet to touch their out-of-the-house grown children’s rooms talked either from a point of pride in the accomplished children they raised or with a bit of embarrassment that they hadn’t cleaned those rooms out yet. One parent of a twenty-five-year-old said, “I still have the ‘My Child is an Honor Student’ bumper sticker on my car, and my daughter graduated from college two years ago.”

One generalization that gets lots of airtime in the media, on blogs, and in the comment fields of articles posted online is that Millennials have grown up with medals, trophies, certificates, and gold stars given for just showing up, and are used to the continual praise and reinforcement heretofore reserved for actual achievement. Everyone-wins soccer games. Trophies of all sizes for participation regardless of win-loss ratio. Inflated grades that neither give a true measure of comprehension nor a reason to get discouraged. All of these are common phenomena that set parents’ heads nodding and managers’ teeth grinding.

In contrast, my father, now seventy-five, often says, “Please and thank you are implied,” to which my now-deceased mother would take varying degrees of umbrage, depending on how many implications had already been made that day.

Millennials have been conditioned to expect acknowledgment and appreciation all the time, and it can be exhausting trying to keep up with that expectation if you don’t already have an authentic appreciation culture that reinforces good team collaboration and acknowledges valuable achievement. “We find that many Millennials are somewhat needy in terms of wanting constant recognition for what senior management thinks of as ‘regular work,’” says Mark, fifty-four and a senior vice president in a large consumer products company. “It’s a very different expectation of recognition than we had at that early stage of our careers.”

Gratuitous appreciation has no place in the workplace. Authentic appreciation is the only valuable appreciation; it’s the only beneficial reinforcement that Millennials, and the rest of us, can learn from.

Appreciation Isn’t Just for Millennials

Establishing a culture of true appreciation and acknowledgement that reinforces contribution rather than simple presence is the key to shifting expectations away from appreciation for everyday tasks and behavior. Instead, teach people to feel, and know, that they and their work are truly valued in the organization.

It may seem frivolous and enabling at the outset, however building an appreciative culture has been shown to improve performance empirically for the entire team. Organizations built on a culture of recognition have “14 percent better employee engagement, productivity, and customer service”¹ than those teams where regular recognition is rare. And when measuring customer satisfaction, profitability, and internal efficiencies and workflows, the most effective teams are the ones that have more positive interactions: three positive comments to one negative comment are necessary to encourage the most successful functioning.²

An appreciative culture starts at the top and gets reinforced by peer-to-peer acknowledgement. “If you’re in a leadership position, you set the tone for those around you,” says Paul, fifty-five, partner of a midsized law firm. “Not only does the person in charge need to be appreciative, he or she needs to set the expectation that everyone will be appreciative to each other, and show them how it’s done.”

The Power of Please and Thank You

Thank you. These two small words, when spoken (or typed or written), make a big difference in your day—whether you are saying or hearing them.

At work, do we have to say “Thank you?” I guess, technically, no—it’s work, it’s supposed to be done. We’re supposed to collaborate, we’re supposed to get work done, and we’re supposed to do it well. Many of the older set in the office may echo the sentiment Terry expressed, “When I was their age, I knew that my paycheck was my thank you.”

Or they think like Mad Men’s Don Draper:

I’m here to tell you that the more we say “please” and “thank you,” the better people feel about their contributions, which improves morale, which contributes to a positive work environment, which, in turn, improves performance and increases talent longevity. “Thank you” goes a long way.

Francesca Gino of Harvard University and Adam Grant of the Wharton School researched the topic, and it turns out that most of us “don’t realize how powerful it is to say thank you … and the effects are large. And they’re important.”

Maybe people don’t say thank you in the workplace because, as Martin Kilduff of University College London suggests, leaders and managers are supposed to help other people achieve. But if we just get over that and acknowledge the help with a thank you, the bestower of thanks also gets a big benefit to himself. Gino explains the results of many studies that show that the bestowers of thanks “experience all sorts of positive emotions. They’re more attentive, alert, energetic, and happy about life in general.”

Thank people for what they’re doing. Ask them with a “please” somewhere in the sentence when you want or need them to do something. You’ll be spreading good feelings for the team and for yourself.

I can hear the collective sigh now. “But, Lee, ‘thank you’ gets misconstrued, and if I say thank you they will expect a raise or a promotion.”

You might fear that, or you might have been told that, but it’s not a realistic workplace expectation and you need to explain that to people of any age who don’t get it.

Here’s the deal. We need to lay out our expectations for our workplace and company culture. We need to explain that “thank you” and “please” are courteous and expected but do not indicate that a raise or a promotion are in order. (In contrast, not using “please” and “thank you” should prevent a raise or a promotion.) We need to make sure we don’t avoid hard conversations about expectations and reality, so that “thank you” and “please” don’t show up in a vacuum of positive-only feedback that gives people a lopsided understanding of their own performance. (Feedback is covered in the next chapter, so hang on for that.)

Some managers complain that no one ever says “thank you” or “please” to them: “I give and I give and I give, and I get nothing back,” says Brian, forty-seven, of his twenty-plus-person team, most of whom are under age thirty.

If you’ve laid out your expectations of an appreciative culture, you consistently reinforce it in your own workday, and you’re not getting something back from certain people on your team, then it may be time for the non-reciprocators to go.

Before you show them to the door, I encourage you to have the hard one-on-one conversation to:

• Discuss what’s expected
• Listen to the feedback the person may have for you
• Articulate exactly how you’d like the employee to show up, and
• Come up with mutual agreements about a way forward

It takes practice and it takes persistence, but in the end it’s worth it—you either get an improved situation or you get rid of someone who’s not going to fit your culture.

What does “thank you” look like? Of course, it’s not useful if “thank you” becomes simply a game, like watching Peyton Manning play football and taking a swig every time he says “Omaha.” However, if you imagine speech “bubbles” over your team, it would be wonderful to see many of them filled with some form of the word.

The Expression

What are some of the words and phrases your team should be using to convey their appreciation for one another?

• Thank you
• Thanks
• Merci
• I appreciate it
• I’m grateful

Mean it. Look the person in the eye.

When should you use one of these expressions of gratitude? Any time someone brings you something, agrees to something, gives you something, helps you, or delivers her assignment early or on time. When someone brings you a coffee, a printout from the printer, your lunch, their report, and after a meeting, make sure to thank him.

“You’re welcome” is the appropriate response to “thank you” every time, to acknowledge that you’ve been thanked.

The E-Mail Thank-You

Use some form of “please” somewhere in the sentence when giving direction or making a request. Likewise, use some form of “thank you” as the sign-off when sending a request or direction.

Thanks in e-mail—here’s what it looks like:

• Thanks
• Thanks so much
• Thank you
• I appreciate your help

Resist the urge to shortcut this by putting it into your e-mail signature. Type out the eight letters and a space—the effort will be appreciated, or at least you won’t be derided for a lame automatic reply.

Example:

When applicable, start e-mails off on a positive note by thanking the recipient for what he’s already done.

Example:

• Thank you for your prompt reply
• Thanks for bringing this to my attention
• Thank you for the information
• Thanks for taking the time

Thanks in Company Instant Messaging Platform

The beauty of instant messaging (IM) is that we can have less formal, quick back-and-forth conversations with people spread out geographically (or way across the room—but please don’t IM the person sitting next to you to ask her something!).

The challenge with IM is that we can go back and forth with such speed and shorthand that the “please” and “thank you” get lost. First, if you’re going back and forth more than four or five times, stop typing and pick up the phone. Second, use thank you at the end of the interaction—just do it. Don’t leave the other person hanging, wondering if you’re finished or not.

If you work in an emoticon-friendly culture, use the smiley face or some other appropriate symbol to convey your thanks. Personally, I love emoticons, but have been known to overdo it with people who aren’t as enamored as I am. If you do use emoticons, refrain from using them with people outside your organization.

Thanks in Text Messages

Millennials aren’t the only ones texting their way through the day. A lot of work dialogue is happening between phones. Because texting is shorthand and can be easily misinterpreted, texting “thank you” is even more important. When texting, end every exchange with “Thanks.” Speed things up by creating a “shortcut tx” that generates “Thanks” in the text box if you want to save keystrokes. Or use an emoticon to say thanks, so that the person you’re texting knows that you got her agreement or information.

“Are you kidding me?” you’re thinking. “Did you just dedicate three pages to showing people how to say and write please and thank you?” Yes, yes, I did. How do I know this is necessary? It’s the first thing we need to teach interns or entry-level people to do. When I’ve blogged on the topic I get endless comments. My clients and colleagues in my peer network tell me again and again that they have the same issue.

Many Millennials have grown up with digital communication norms that have eliminated please and thank you from the dialogue. E-mail, texts, and instant messages are by their nature informal—and everyone of every age can be accused of getting sloppy and being misinterpreted, causing communication missteps easily avoided by remembering some old-school manners. Nuance is hard in digital form. Do not assume Millennials know when or how to use please, thank you, or you’re welcome. Remind Gen Xers and Boomers who’ve gotten sloppy in their communication that you expect common courtesies to be observed.

The Handwritten Thank-You Note

In this electronic age, nothing stands out more than a handwritten note on a nice card. Get yourself some nice stationery, perhaps personalized for added style, and take five minutes to handwrite a thank-you note. Take a moment to be specific in your thanks by calling attention to the action for which you are grateful.

Example:

A note like the above means more than:

The Pass-Along Thank-You

Don’t forget to spread the love upward. The best part of my day is when I get an e-mail forwarded to me from an employee who gives a shout-out to someone else on the team for that person’s contribution. I reply all—adding anyone else that makes sense—with an appropriate response; I use lots of capital letters and the exclamation point as a form of self expression, for example: AWESOME! Great Work! Great to hear. Thanks for all you do!

The pass-along e-mail:

• Shares kudos beyond the small group that knows about the work, informing other people of influence in the organization
• Allows the boss/leader to share in the appreciation, letting him not just acknowledge the person who did the work, but also the manager who shared the information
• Builds trust and appreciation for the manager—and an understanding that the manager realizes she is doing well because her people are doing well; it is critical that a manager not take credit for work done by teammates
• Reinforces that good work is appreciated

Group Appreciation at Team Meetings

Depending on the size of your company or team, you might meet once a week or once a month. Whatever your meeting schedule, it’s important to reserve five minutes for appreciation, every single time. At Double Forte we do this several different ways:

Three Appreciations

Armed with the information that teams that visibly appreciate one another and give constructive feedback perform more effectively than those that don’t, my company decided to end staff meetings with Three Appreciations. To do this, at the end of a meeting, everyone there randomly chooses three people to tell them, one by one, why they appreciate those people in the office or on the team. These expressions need to be sincere; they can be funny but should not be mundane. Everyone, including leadership, participates.

With everyone sharing their appreciations at the same time, it takes just five minutes and ends every meeting on a high note for everyone.

Just as different people have different preferences, different people bring different gifts to the team. Some are quiet observers, who, when they speak, can capture the whole room. Others are the class clowns who relieve tension with their offhand remarks. Do give relevant appreciations to the current situation and to the person you are speaking to. Be as specific as possible.

Examples of appreciative statements:

• I appreciate that you’re always on time and prepared—it really helps the team out.
• I appreciate your positive attitude—it rubs off on everyone around you.
• I appreciate your curiosity—and that you’re always bringing interesting and useful information to the group.
• I appreciate that you check in with me every day to see how I’m doing—I’m pretty shy, and your check-in really means a lot to me.
• I appreciate your leadership and that you’re willing to answer any questions.
• I appreciate your communication style in the office—I’m trying to emulate that.

Avoid irrelevant appreciations, such as:

• I love your hair—I’m always trying to copy you.
• I love your shoes.
• I love watching you open the endless stream of boxes that get delivered here.

Practice this for four weeks. As one of my directors said to me, “Lee, I felt like a tool doing this the first two times, but now I get it.” Lead the way in choosing a wide range of people to appreciate—not just your project teammates or direct reports. After it’s not so uncomfortable, switch it up with other meeting send-offs, but keep it in the repertoire and insert it regularly.

Acrostic Memos Based on Team Members’ Names

Get everyone on the team focused on recognizing the contributions of the rest of the team with acrostics. Susan Kramer, a director at my company, brought this technique to the team, and it’s been incredibly positive and powerful.

An acrostic is a poem in which the first letter of each horizontal line spells out a word or phrase when read vertically. Usually, the first letter of each horizontal line is capitalized.

Write out every team member’s name vertically on different pieces of paper. Pass out all the names, ensuring that no one gets his own. The presenter should give an example so everyone understands the exercise. Everyone then has twenty minutes to fill in the sheet, describing the person on the piece of paper with appreciations or observations. Because names vary in length, everyone who gets names with four letters or less, should add two words that come to mind about the person. After fifteen to twenty minutes, have everyone give his poem to the person named, who then posts it on his desk. It’s an amazing thing to watch people’s faces lighting up when they read their teammates’ positive thoughts about them.

Example:

Affirmative Fold-Ups

Write the name of each team member on a different piece of paper and pass out the papers, being sure that no one gets her own name.

The first person writes an affirmative sentence at the bottom of the page and folds it up so that it can’t be seen. The papers are then passed to the left, and the next person writes an affirmative sentence and folds the paper up again from the bottom. The papers keep getting passed until each person has five statements written about him. Distribute the pages to the “owners” and let them read the positive statements about their contribution or performance.

Team Celebrations

Beyond celebrating individuals privately, find ways to celebrate people and teams in public to help create common understandings of people’s achievements and/or life events.

• Celebrate personal work achievements, such as when work projects are completed well; recognize the person or team for their work.
• Applaud unexpected results. When someone does something beyond the call of duty, or displays work or effort far above what you expect of her, it’s time for the standing ovation. And when you present your colleague for the standing ovation, describe the work for which she is being recognized and explain to the rest of the team why it deserves the standing O.
• Break out the “Standing O Box.” At my company, we created this unique method of acknowledging excellence: we purchased a supply of novelty boxes that, when opened, play a loud applause soundtrack. We affixed a “Standing O” logo to the top of the box, and personalized it with the recipient’s name. Now, when people do good work throughout the day, people open up their boxes and we can hear the applause throughout the office. It makes us stop and ask what cool thing just happened. In the two years that we’ve given the standing O, each recipient has been surprised that we were talking about him. That it is usually unexpected is a wonderful thing – for the recipient and for the rest of the staff.
• Stand up and clap. Of course you don’t need boxes with soundtracks to celebrate people’s high achievements. Create your own live soundtrack by having everyone stand up and clap for the person or the team. Capture the moment with your camera phone and share it throughout the office.

When you plan your appreciation, recognize that each person on your team has her own preferences. Some will enjoy public accolades, while others will feel shy. While it’s important to be consistent in how appreciation is delivered in public, it’s equally important to not negate the accolades by making the recipient feel uncomfortable because of her individual style. For employees who are more reserved and do not want to be brought to the front of the room to receive their “award” or standing O or shout-out, deliver it to them wherever they are in the room, and then talk with that person later about your appreciation.

Appreciation Days

Create several appreciation days throughout the year to celebrate the contributions of those in certain roles, on particular teams, or support staff. Support staff, in particular, are often overlooked, but they are, by definition, the glue that keeps teams and companies running. Don’t wait for the Hallmark holiday to surprise people with some heartfelt appreciation.

• Host a lunch in honor of the chosen role or of support staff. Create a poster for each person in the designated group and have the rest of the staff write appreciations on the poster. Present honorees with a funny hat, jacket, or T-shirt that represents what they mean to the office. Enlist a cross-section of team members to help create the celebration so you can capture the things you don’t know about.
• Present a card that everyone has signed, cake, and gift certificates to support team members during a staff meeting.
• A few times a year send flowers to the receptionist and/or assistants, just because.

Celebrate and Honor Life Events

People come to work, people with families and friends in different conditions or stages in their lives—happy or sad, healthy or unhealthy. The more you can demonstrate your understanding of this, the more appreciated everyone—Millennials, Gen Xers, and Baby Boomers—will feel.

Celebrate or honor the significant milestones in people’s lives throughout the year—birthdays, marriages, new children, recovery from major illnesses, and deaths in the family.

• Birthdays: consider lumping all birthdays in a month together and celebrating with cake and cards at a staff meeting or lunch.
• Marriages: hold a low-cost shower for the employee and let his or her fiancé join the festivities. Consider a cake, champagne, and a card. And it’s a time for people who may not be invited to the wedding to chip in for a gift, which will be appreciated by the soon-to-be-wed and the rest of the team.
• New children, born into the family or adopted: the same type of celebration you organize for marriages is perfect for new additions to employees’ families.
• Illness and/or deaths in the family: during emotional times, including illnesses and deaths in the family, it’s important to check in with the employee and ask how you can support him. How far does this employee want the information to go? At the very least, a card of condolence is appropriate—if you coordinate a group card, add your own card as well. If you can, send flowers or donate to the charity of choice in your employee’s name and let the person know you’ve made a donation.
    Small gestures mean a lot during difficult times like deaths and illnesses. If people on the staff want to jump in to help, keep them at bay until you know from the employee that he indeed wants the help. Do not assume everyone would like what you would like.
• Personal achievements: Give a public shout-out and/or send a note to people who meet personal goals, such as running a marathon, performing in a music group, completing extra courses, giving a speech at a local event, and so on.

Millennials are dinged often and loudly for wanting and expecting appreciation and acknowledgement for regular, run-of-the-mill things like showing up on time. In and of themselves, appreciation and acknowledgement are not bad. When used gratuitously, inauthentic appreciation and acknowledgement contribute to an individual’s distorted view of his own contribution.

In contrast, when a business has an authentic culture of appreciation and acknowledgement, that business performs better. Leadership’s job is to redirect unproductive expectations and set guidelines and examples for what good behavior and appropriate celebrations are for everyone, not just the younger contingent.

Management Dos and Don’ts

• Do tell everyone that please and thank you do not mean that they are getting a promotion or a raise—rather, these are common courtesies.
• Do reinvigorate appreciation among your team with an intentional appreciation culture.
• Do teach people what you expect with regard to saying please and thank you, and teach them how to write e-mails that create good will and are constructive and polite.
• Don’t assume everyone knows how to write a thank-you note.
• Do celebrate achievements.
• Do share other people’s good work up the chain.
• Don’t be shy about sharing appreciation.

Millennial Dos and Don’ts

• Do understand that a manager or colleague saying please and thank you to you does not mean you’re getting a raise or a promotion.
• Don’t assume please and thank you are just old school expressions and not needed.
• Do use please, thank you, and you’re welcome with your peers in the office—out loud, in e-mails, in IM, and in text messages.
• Do share other people’s good work up the chain.
• Do thank people for helping you and let their managers know that you are appreciative.