Living a meaningful life
Where am I going?
When our busy lives throw up so many challenges and problems to solve, we can be thrown off course and lose sight of where we are heading. We can be pulled in to the rat race easily without ever realising how we even got there. When we are on autopilot mode, it can be helpful to put on the brakes now and again and check we are on the right path. So far throughout the book we have explored ways to practise putting on the brakes, through noticing our experiences as they are. In this chapter, we want to turn your attention to reconnecting with your preferred direction in life, the one that is truly where you want to head. This chosen direction is based on what you care about, what is important to you and what gives you the most meaning in your life; your values.
Research shows us that having a clear sense of direction, or meaning and purpose in life, not only improves our well-being, but also helps us to live longer, cope better with the inevitable challenges throughout our busy existence and reduce cognitive decline as we age. So, perhaps it is time to start thinking about what truly matters the most to you, and ensure that you are moving in that direction.
Our inner compass
As a child, you may have been asked, ‘Who do you want to be when you grow older?’ But, now, instead, we tend to get asked, ‘What do you do for work?, ‘What do you do in your spare time?’. As we grow up, we can forget easily about our internal, personal values, our aspirations of the type of person we want to be, the type of life we want to be living and, instead, end up focusing on what we are doing, what we can achieve and all the goals we want to meet, which often are based on what we think we ‘should’ be doing and how we ‘should’ be as a person.
Our choices, behaviours and actions are, therefore, usually based on all these ‘shoulds’ produced by our minds, rather than on what we truly hold dear in our hearts. Society often encourages us to be goal-oriented, to get things done so that we can feel good. Pass your exams, get a job, get married, have babies, get a promotion, buy a house, and so on. Goals are not a problem per se, it is just that, if those goals are disconnected from our values, it can lead to an unfulfilling and miserable life.
The fisherman and the businessman
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, enjoying the warmth of the sun after catching several big fish. A businessman came walking down the beach to relieve some of the stress of his workday and decided to find out why this fisherman had stopped fishing. ‘Why don’t you stay in the sea and catch more fish?’ asked the businessman.
‘This is enough to feed my whole family,’ the fisherman said.
The businessman then asked, ‘So, how do you spend the rest of your day?’
The fisherman replied, ‘Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap with my wife and, when evening comes, I join my buddies in the village for a drink — we play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night.’
The businessman offered a suggestion to the fisherman:
‘I have a PhD in business management. I could help you to become a more successful fisherman. From now on, you should spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fish as possible. When you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. Soon you will be able to afford to buy more boats, set up your own company, your own production plant for canned food and a distribution network. By then, you will have moved out of this village and to Sao Paulo, where you can set up HQ to manage your other branches.’
The fisherman continues, ‘And after that?’
The businessman laughs heartily, ‘After that, you can live like a king in your own house and, when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, and you will be rich.’
The fisherman asks, ‘And after that?’
The businessman says, ‘After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning, catch a few fish, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife and, when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night! You won’t have a care in the world!’
The fisherman, smiling, looked up and said, ‘Isn’t that what I am doing right now?’
Connecting with our deeply held, personal values, on the other hand, can help direct us towards a life that is really alive, full of vitality and what really counts. We can think of our values as an inner compass to reorient ourselves to a direction that matters the most to us, a life worth living – one chosen by you. The following analogy helps to remind us that the opportunity for contentment and well-being has been right in front of us (or within us) all along, in the gift of our values.
We are not suggesting that we spend all day on the beach, dancing and having fun, although that does sound appealing to us. But, ask yourself honestly whether, like the businessman in the story above, you too comfort yourself with the thought that, once all the items on the to-do list are ‘done and dusted’, once you have achieved all that you want to in life, then you will get to live the life you want. The problem with this approach is that many of the concrete things that you might want to accomplish could be out of your control, to a certain degree or for some time anyway, leading to you feeling dissatisfied and that your life is lacking in some way. Now, consider how, perhaps, just maybe you can start living the life you want right now, even with all the busyness and despite what you may not have achieved. What if living a satisfying and meaningful life was actually already in your control and more about how you chose to be, day to day?
You may be very familiar with to-do lists. You might have them dotted all over your desk, at home, stuck on the fridge or have fancy colour coordinated spreadsheets on your computer. The mind is very good at churning these out, but have you ever thought of creating a to-be list? This can be a helpful way to reorient us to tasks that actually matter. Try out the following practice and see if it can become a new way to start your day.
Practice 12.1: Mindfulness right now!
To-be list
- What kind of person do I want to be today (e.g. kind, caring, supportive, hardworking, fun)?
- What aspects of my life do I wish to be paying more attention to (e.g. health, relationships, personal development, fitness, work)?
- When I look back on my day, how do I hope to have been with myself (e.g. kind, compassionate)?
- What is the most important thing I want to be in my life?
- How would I like to be at work today?
- How do I want to be when confronted with the challenges of the day?
Your values are all yours
Rather than rigid goals, values can be described as our personally desired and freely chosen life directions, driven by what is most important to us, deep in our hearts. They are what contributes to your life being full, rich, meaningful and rewarding and, in other words, what truly matters to you. More specifically, rather than something or a goal that we attain (which, ultimately, may be out of our reach or control), values describe the qualities that we would prefer to bring to our actions and live by in life and within the different roles we have (for example, how you wish to be as a partner, friend, colleague). The qualities that we bring to our actions are very much within our control. In other words, our values are how we choose to behave and what we want to stand for in any given situation.
What matters most to you, deep down in your heart, is entirely down to you and the experiences you have had in your life. No one else gets a say on what values you should or should not consider important. Yet, so often, our actions can be guided by our family’s values, what our friends think, advertisements in magazines and on TV and what society tells us. Your values are not dependent on others’ opinions and they will continue to exist whether or not others witness you living by them. The other reason that so many of us do not choose to live by our own personal values is that it isn’t always easy to do and can be uncomfortable. For example, working hard might mean doing tasks that you find dull or boring; being affectionate and loving in a relationship might leave you feeling vulnerable and open to rejection; learning new skills might lead you to feel incompetent and remind you of how much you still don’t know etc. However, it is important to remember that by taking more value-driven actions your life becomes more fulfilling and meaningful.
With the next exercises, we invite you to explore your own personal values. It can help to describe them as if no one will ever find out about them. You do not have to think or feel your values, you just choose them. The other important thing to remember is that they are not fixed either. What becomes more or less important to you can change in any moment and in any context or in the many different roles that you may fulfil in life. For example, you may value being romantic in your relationship, but this may not be a value you wish to live by in your work. Also, although you may value being romantic in your relationship, you may also value being honest with your partner, which may not seem romantic at times.
Sometimes, your values can seem conflicting in this respect and when that happens it can be useful to ask yourself the question: which is most important to me right now, in this moment, and in this context? It is, therefore, important to hold your values loosely and it can be helpful to imagine them attached to a spinning globe – at times one may be in full view, but it is only a matter of time before others come to the forefront again. It can be helpful to revisit the questions in the next practice time and time again.
Practice 12.2: Mindfulness right now!
Uncovering values
Give yourself an opportunity in your day to dedicate some time to this practice, free from distractions as much as possible – perhaps right now works? Have something to write on in front of you and allow these questions to enter in to your awareness as you jot down any thoughts that show up.
- Begin by bringing to mind someone who truly inspires you. This might be someone who you know or it might be someone you have never met before. Take a few minutes to write down what it is about this person that you admire. What personal qualities do they demonstrate that you consider important? What have they taught you that you want to remember? Once you have written some thoughts down, thank this person in your own mind for being such an inspiration to you.
- If you could choose to build any kind of friendship, what would it look like? How would you treat your friends if you could be the best friend imaginable?
- If you could be the ideal partner/daughter/son/father/mother/aunt/uncle, what personal qualities would you want to develop and act by? How would you want to be with your loved ones, even during difficult times?
- If your education or career is important to you, consider what most sparks your passion and interest. Describe the type of worker you would most want to be.
- How would you, ideally, want to continue to grow and develop as a person, including what is important in terms of your physical and mental health? Consider how your own self-care can impact on all your other values.
- What else in your life provides moments of fun, relaxation and play? What does this suggest about how else you want to be as a person?
- How do you ideally want to be with yourself when you are facing challenges or struggling in some way? Is it important for you to be courageous, encouraging, non-judgemental, kind perhaps?
- What qualities about yourself do you already embody that are important to you?
How was that for you? We hope that this practice began to help you to reconnect with your heartfelt wish for how you want to live your life. It might be that it was difficult to think about some of these things, which is understandable, as so many of us busy people spend very little time reflecting on what matters most to us as we rush around trying to get everything done.
If it was challenging for you, then you might find it helpful to hear about some of the values that came to our minds when we did this practice. In terms of relationships, we valued things like being caring, respectful, supportive and loving, while for our own health we found that being self-compassionate, accepting, reflective and active were important to us.
We also recognised the importance of values like being playful and having fun, being assertive, open and patient. But these are just the values we chose when writing this book, and you may have chosen entirely different values, and that is great, we cannot all head down the same path!
For many people, there are a lot of different values that are important to them. You may have written down many in the previous practice. It can be difficult to hold all of these in mind at once, so we invite you to pick your top three or four that are the most important to you right now, perhaps highlighting them in some way so they stand out. Of course, these might change over time, but, for the next few practices, we invite you to bring your attention to these values.
Practice 12.3: I haven’t got time for this!
Growing older
- Find a comfortable position and close your eyes or fix your gaze on a spot in front of you, if you prefer. Take a few moments to ground yourself, perhaps by bringing your attention to your breathing to anchor you in this present moment.
- Imagine going forward in time many years, seeing yourself grow older.
- Imagine too that you have lived those years completely inconsistently with your three or four chosen values. Imagine the kinds of things that might have got in the way of you living a life that really mattered to you (busyness, rushing around maybe?). Try to picture what your life might look like, what you would be doing or not doing and imagine what effect this would have on you.
- Notice what it is like to imagine this, noticing any thoughts and feelings that arise. Notice where you feel this most strongly in your body. Stay here for a few moments, allowing these thoughts and feelings to emerge.
- Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, allow this image to fade away.
- Now, imagine again that you have grown much older, but this time you have lived a life fully consistent with your values. Imagine what that would look like, the sorts of things you might have done and the effect it has had on your life.
- Notice what it is like to imagine this, noticing any thoughts and feelings that arise. Notice where you feel this most strongly in your body. Stay for a few moments, allowing these thoughts and feelings to emerge.
- Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, allow this image to fade away.
So, how was that for you? We are guessing that imagining the future acting inconsistently with your values brought up some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. It is unlikely to be the kind of life you want, so we invite you to begin to consider how, right now, you can choose a different journey. In fact, in any given moment with mindfulness, you can choose to act in accordance with your values and get back on track to living the life you truly want and being the kind of person you really want to be. As always, the key here is present moment awareness (mindfulness).
Mindfulness and values
Mindfulness allows you to notice what you might be doing that is inconsistent with your values and it provides you with the opportunity to notice and check in with when you feel most alive, highlighting what matters most to you and what you value. Similarly, mindfulness allows you to notice when you are in pain, again indicating what is important to you. For example, the pain of loss around the ending of a relationship may remind you of your deeply held desire to be close and connected to another person. It also helps you to unhook from the life-limiting thoughts and struggles you may have with difficult feelings that might be leading you in the wrong direction, away from your values. With mindfulness you can respond more flexibly and effectively to these troublesome thoughts and feelings, making room for them, allowing you to pursue your values even when it feels effortful or scary to do that. Mindfulness helps you to keep on track and acting in line with what matters most to you in any specific moment and situation.
Practice 12.4: Mindfulness right now!
Following your heart
- Take each of your values in turn and write down a few small things you have done recently that are in line with this value. We suggest one or two for each, but more is fine, too. For example, if your value is being loving, you might recall a hug you gave your partner, sending a birthday card to a friend, asking a colleague how they are feeling today.
- Now take each of your values in turn but, this time, write down some small things you could do over the next month that are in line with this value. Again, we suggest about one or two for each.
- Now repeat the previous step, but this time think about things over the next week that you could do that would really bring your values to life.
- And now consider the same again, but for today. What could you do today that is in line with your values?
- Finally, just picking one of your values, what one thing could you do right now, in this very moment, that would express your heartfelt value? Would you be willing to give it a go then see what happens? Do it right now, before you read on.
I have no time for values!
We are not suggesting that you do even more things and fill your diary with lots of value-driven behaviours on top of your busy schedule, as you are likely just to become more busy, stressed and exhausted. But, perhaps it is time to ask yourself what is the most valuable way to spend your time (the answer to which may change in any given moment). For example, is it more valuable in this moment to spend longer in the office or spend time playing with the children? Everything you do, every minute you spend doing is your choice. How do you want to prioritise your time? If you do not have time for something, it is not because there is no time, it is because it is not a priority or, perhaps, it feels uncomfortable to do it.
Only you can truly notice moment by moment whether your choices, behaviour and actions are value-based or motivated by some other, perhaps fearful, part of you. You get to notice, you get to choose. Who do you want to be in this world?
Throughout this book, we have explained that you really do not need to change anything in your life to practise mindfulness. It is already with you in any moment of your day, whether you are busy or not. But with practice, many people we work with begin to realise that they do want to make some meaningful changes in their life, even simple or small ones, particularly when they begin to focus on their values.
Mindfulness top tips to-go
In this chapter, you have learned that it is helpful to:
- Acknowledge whether what you are doing in any given moment is in the direction you really want to head.
- Understand that your values are chosen entirely by you and no one else.
- Explore ways of being rather than adding more and more on to your to-do list.
- Connect with who and what is truly important to you.
- Commit to making small steps towards what is most important to you.
- Consider prioritising your time based on your values, rather than squeezing more in and feeling increasingly busier and stressed.