When you've been through the kind of event that devastates your life, that overwhelms you with shock and grief, the last thing you can think about is being positive. Whether it's serious illness, being involved in an accident or a terrorist attack, a bitter divorce or bereavement, how can there possibly be an upside?

Finding something positive doesn't mean denying how tragic and devastating the situation is, but it can help prevent you from being overwhelmed by the awfulness of it.

Just as with a disappointment, with trauma and tragedy you'll need to give yourself time to acknowledge and accept that what has happened has happened. The sadness and shock that come with grief are intended to slow you down and allow you to reflect and take in what has happened, to accept that there's no turning back – nothing and no one can change what has happened. At some point, though, when you can, focusing on who and what has been helpful and supportive can begin to steer your mind in a positive direction.

Research has found that trauma can be a powerful force for positive change. In the 1980s, University of North Carolina professors Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun discovered that more than half of the trauma survivors they interviewed reported positive change – they believed that their lives had eventually changed for the better. They had experienced what Tedeschi and Calhoun described as ‘post-traumatic growth’.

Among other things, the people who had experienced trauma in Tedeschi and Calhoun's study felt that they had become wiser, stronger, more empathic and accepting of others, had developed closer relationships and had more compassion for others. Many had re-evaluated their priorities, had a greater appreciation for things in their life, had identified new possibilities and, often, had become more spiritual.