Chapter 3

Meal Manners

The following quiz on dining etiquette at business functions may serve to open your eyes to some limits in your knowledge of dining etiquette. These questions, and more, are covered in this chapter.

Business Meal Etiquette: Test Your Knowledge

Should I take a briefcase and/or folders to the dining table?

Take your business papers, but leave them under your chair or under the table until the entrée plates have been removed. When it is time to “talk business” be careful not to cover the table surface with papers.

Is it proper to order a glass of wine?

Many corporations have a no-alcohol policy, and if so, the answer is predetermined. It’s generally a good idea to save the wine until after the business is concluded. Although there are some exceptions, alcohol should not be served at a business meal.

I eat my large meal at midday. Is it proper to order a large entrée at a business lunch?

Pay attention to your host’s suggestions, and select your entrée accordingly. If necessary, you may need to alter your normal eating pattern. If you are the hostess, by all means suggest to your guests that they order a full meal.

Who orders first?

The host directs the server to the guests first; the host orders after his guests.

When do I talk business?

The primary business talk should wait until after the entrée plates have been removed.

Where do I put my hands?

To remember what to do with your hands and elbows, or more specifically, what not to do, follow the easy saying—elbows never, forearm sometimes, wrists always.

Where is the best place for me to put my cell phone so I can answer it quickly?

Leave your cell phone in your brief case, turned off. If you must accept an essential call, alert your host or guests when you sit down. When the phone rings, excuse yourself from the table and keep your conversation private and brief.

What should I do if my fork or napkin falls on the floor?

Sometimes tables are crowded and utensils do fall on the floor. If this happens, use your foot to move the utensil under the table and ask the server for another. Pick up the napkin unless you will disappear from view of the guests to reach it.

What should I do if the check is put in front of my guest?

The hostess should ask for the check, or reach for it first. Make the comment, “You are the guest of company XYZ today.”

What should I do if the check is put in front of me and I am the guest who was invited to this lunch?

The host should reach for the bill; wait for him to do so. If he does not, suggest to the host that you split the bill.

Can I remove my suit coat while at the table?

It is best not to remove your coat unless the host does.

What should I do if I get food stuck between my teeth?

Avoid drawing attention to yourself in this potentially embarrassing situation. If you are not able to free the food using your tongue (with your lips closed), then try the napkin.

Well over half of all business is finalized at the dining table. The percentage of business conducted over the dining table is even higher. Among other things, business meals are used for conducting job interviews, getting to know a client, deciding to become a partner in a venture, networking, and signing the contract. All your professional polish is on display at the dining table. All the details, from where you sit, what you order, and how you use the dining utensils to your table conversations demonstrate your respect for others, as well as your courtesy, poise, and style. Never assume that others will not notice or will be understanding of your poor manners. Always be polished in your dress and manners.

TABLE MANNERS

The concept of fine dining has been downplayed in recent decades. Business people often say to me, “What difference does it make how I eat?” Your business expertise may end here. Your poor eating skills may alienate your client and effectively stall further business with him. There is no excuse for embarrassing yourself or offending the person across the dining table by eating boorishly. Good table manners are simple enough to learn in one meal. We eat three meals a day so we have many opportunities to practice good table manners. Do not ruin your professionalism by handling the fork like a caveman or a child! Basic dining skills are so simple that you cannot afford to ignore them.

It should not surprise you that all your professional polish is evident at the dining table! “All the world was your oyster, but you used the wrong fork.” Don’t be caught with the wrong fork in your hand or holding it incorrectly.

The Table Setting

The arrangement and number of pieces of silverware are your clue to the menu. If there are three forks (on the left), you know that there will be three fork courses. There could be salad, fish, and entrée or salad, entrée, and dessert. (See Figure 3.1.)

The size and shape of the utensil (spoon, fork, or knife) is your next clue. Look at the spoons and knives at the right side of the place setting. Note the size and shape of each; their shape determines their use. Knives should match the forks in size, shape, and number, although the salad knife may not be on the table.

Figure 3.1
The formal table setting.

The glasses will be placed on the right side of the place setting. Their size and alignment will be your clue to the number of wine courses. (See Figure 3.2 for an illustration of the various types of glasses.) The number of glasses should match the number of forks and spoons. The bread plate will be placed on the left side of the place setting (liquids on the right, solids on the left). (See Figure 3.3.)

By looking at the table setting, the knives, spoons, forks, and glasses, you can make an educated guess about the menu; at least you know the number of courses.

You may wish to limit your bread consumption. Speaking of bread, take a serving of butter from the butter dish. Put the butter on your bread plate (on the left). Break the bread into two pieces, one bite sized, and spread butter on the small piece. Eat your bread by continuing to break off bite sized pieces, one at a time, to butter and eat.

If the serving dishes are placed on the table, pass the dishes of food to the right. If the food is served by serving persons, the food is generally served from the left and later removed from the right.

Figure 3.2
Illustration of stemmed glasses.

The resting position, with utensils resting in the shape of an inverted V, indicates that you are not finished eating. The closed position at 4:00 (as on a clock face) indicates you have completed your meal even if there is still food on the plate. (See Figure 3.4 on the next page.) A well-trained server will not have to interrupt your conversation to ask if you have finished. It is a subtle yet powerful way to signal the server that he may remove your plate. (See Figure 3.4.)

Figure 3.3
Illustration of the table setting.

Figure 3.4
Utensil placement for the resting and closed positions.

Figure 3.5
Illustration of the positions for holding utensils.

American and Continental Eating Styles

There are two basic eating styles: American and Continental. Choose your style, master it well, and use it consistently. (See Figures 3.5 and 3.6.) In the American style, commonly used in the United States, the knife and fork are held to cut several bites of food. The knife is placed on the plate, and the fork is rotated and transferred to the right hand. The American style is also known as American Zig Zag. In the Continental style, the knife and fork remain in the right and left hands respectively throughout the meal. The fork tines are always turned downwards. One piece of food is cut, pushed onto the fork, and lifted to the mouth. The knife remains in the right hand. The Continental style is more efficient. If you eat using the Continental style, be aware that the practicality of not having to transfer utensils enables you to eat quickly. Be attentive to keep your consumption pace equal to that of your tablemates.

Figure 3.6
Illustration of the Continental and American eating styles.

THE BUSINESS MEAL

You have invited a guest to have a meal and discuss your proposal and contract. Conduct the meal by being a thoughtful hostess and performing your responsibilities as hostess. During the first course or two, you can talk about light business: how things are going at the office, how the job is going, business growth, and business outreach in the community. All of your conversation should lead to the important reason you called the business meal. You may gain valuable information to use in the context of your business or contract presentation. Being informed about a company gives you topics for conversation and insight as to the direction of the business. Conversation topics during the early part of the meal might also include vacation activities, sports, personal interests, or even your children (when appropriate).

You are always a representative of your company so you must be prepared to practice good table and business manners. The point of having good table manners is that when you know what to do you can be relaxed and enjoy the meal and the meeting. You will be flexible and comfortable because you have learned how to use the dining tools and manage the business meal effectively.

Seating order and table location are important considerations during business meetings (see Figure 3.7). You can be subtle about arranging these details. If you are the host, ask for a table in a well-lighted area away from the serving staff’s path to the kitchen. The host should be seated facing away from the wall (and into the dining area) so that he can summon the server easily. Prior to seating, the host should decide the chair location for the guest. The location is determined by the number of guests and hosts. You want the seating to be friendly, not confrontational, and comfortable, not stuffy, to facilitate easy conversation.

Figure 3.7
Location for friendly conversation.

You can help the servers to serve you better by keeping the area around your chair free of handbags, briefcases, computers, and papers. Avoid hanging items off the back of your chair that might fall off and interfere with the server’s work. Do thank the servers when they are attentive, and tip accordingly.

If you initiated the meal meeting, then you are considered the host. With hosting, you have responsibilities to

Confirm the date and time with your guests in advance.

Make a reservation.

Arrive early to select the table and greet your guests.

The host has other responsibilities as well. To make the business meal a comfortable meeting, the host should make payment arrangements prior to being seated. By arriving early the host can leave the credit card with the maitre d’ then sign for the charges when leaving the restaurant, thereby eliminating the whole confusion or awkwardness at the table of who pays. A guest feels at ease when greeted by the host upon arrival and being shown where to sit. The most important guest is seated to the right of the host; the second most important guest on the host’s left. As the host you can prepare an agenda and provide copies of it to keep the business focus.

It is helpful to be familiar with the restaurant and the menu. You may make subtle, helpful suggestions from the menu if you are familiar with it: “The crab cakes and Caesar salad are always delicious” or “I frequently order the special of the day. It is always good.” These suggestions ease the guest’s uncertainty about what to order. It also indicates the meal budget and the number of courses and is an indication of the amount of time the host has allowed for the meeting. You might prefer to simply suggest to your guests that they order an appetizer, and soup or salad, with their entrée, and that you’ll have dessert with your coffee or tea after the meal. An associate of mine always begins the meal by asking his guest if he would like an appetizer. It is his company’s policy to encourage their guests to order whatever they wish, and this early offer helps to establish that fact.

 

The guest has responsibilities as well. The guest is expected to arrive on time, dressed appropriately, and prepared to discuss the agenda topics. The guest is attending a business meeting and should be prepared with information about the host and the company. He should carry business cards and company brochures; he may not need them, but he is better prepared for the unanticipated if he carries them. Both the host and the guest should know how to use the dining tools properly. In general, it is wise to avoid alcoholic beverages, but the guest may follow the host’s lead. As a guest, you should take cues from your host’s food suggestions. In fact, you may want to ask your host for menu suggestions, if none are given.

Use of the dinner napkin is often overlooked, but is important nonetheless. When you first sit down, place yourself at a distance from the table of about seven inches (your wrist to fingertips), and unfold the napkin and put it in your lap. Fold one edge of the napkin down two inches with fold toward your body. Use your napkin during the course of the meal to keep your fingers and mouth clean; dab your mouth often with the napkin. Frequent use of your napkin will help you to avoid unsightly greasy lip and finger marks on your glassware. The napkin is not a tissue for your nose.

Keep your napkin in your lap until you rise to leave the restaurant. If you leave the table, put your napkin in your chair until you return.

Practice good table manners while dining. Remember to use the utensils starting furthest from the plate. “Liquids on the right, solids on the left.” Your bread and butter plate is on the left of your place setting, beverages are on the right. Your host will signal to “begin eating” by lifting his utensil.

As you eat, remember to swallow before speaking and chew with your lips closed. You will be more relaxed and better able to concentrate on your guests if you avoid stringy pasta, fried chicken, or slippery seafood dishes. Sit straight and keep your elbows off the table. Remember: “Elbows never, forearms sometimes, wrists always.”

Men should keep their jackets on unless the local culture dictates otherwise. Some restaurants require that the jacket be worn during the meal. Neckties may be secured to the shirt underneath with a shirt-tie accessory; if you prefer not to use a tie tack or tie clip of some kind, take care not to let your tie fall into your plate. Neckties should not be tossed over the shoulder. Ladies may rotate their scarves so they won’t fall into the soup.

You are at a business meal. Concentrate on the people you are dining with and the business you wish to conduct. Avoid moving from table to table to greet other friends or associates. Avoid conversation with another table as much as possible. Acknowledge your friends across the room with a nod and smile. When you turn off your cell phone, you send a message to your host or your guests that they and their time are important and that you respect them. Avoid using your cell phone at the table; excuse yourself from the table if you must make a call.

If you leave the table, push in your chair, and make the simple statement, “Please excuse me for a moment.” Make the departure brief.

Gaffes at the Business Dining Table

Getting too personal in conversation

Complaining about business colleagues

Finishing other’s sentences

Interrupting the conversation

Using profanity or telling inappropriate jokes

Starting the business conversation before the conclusion of the entrée

Putting business papers on the table before business discussion begins

Wearing inappropriate clothing

Coughing without covering your mouth

Burping

Yawning

Getting out a mirror at the table

The type of meeting and location must be considered if you plan a mixed gender meeting. Avoid breakfast and late dinner meetings when these might be misconstrued as romantic meetings.

Wine Etiquette

Avoid ordering alcoholic beverages. If you or your guests are representing the wine industry you might make an exception but, generally, it is preferable to avoid mixing business with alcohol consumption. Some corporations have a no-alcohol policy. Often there is a penalty for not following policy, so be sensitive about these restrictions with which you are unfamiliar.

If ordering wine is appropriate,

Ask for suggestions from the server or wine steward.

Sample the wine for flavor. In rare cases, you may refuse the wine because it is spoiled; however, you may not refuse if you do not like the taste.

Do not smell the cork. Instead, pinch the cork for moisture.

The Four Types of Business Meals

There are four meals at which you may conduct a business meeting while dining: at breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea, and dinner. Table manners are a major part of any meeting that involves dining. Naturally, each has specific benefits related to time of day and length of meeting. Select the one that will best suit your purposes and situation.

 

Breakfast Meetings

Can be brief (one hour).

Commence at 6:00 or 7:00 A.M.

Discourage alcohol consumption due to the early hour.

Offer few business distractions because they begin before most people are at work.

Leave the rest of the day open to complete additional business.

 

Lunch Meetings

Occur in the middle of the day and generally last two to three hours.

Commence between 11:00 and 1:00 P.M.

Allow for preparation for the meeting in the morning.

Allow afternoon time for follow-up.

May be casual.

 

Afternoon Tea Meetings

Begin after 3:00 P.M. and last one and a half to two hours.

Discourage alcohol consumption.

May be either casual or formal.

Occur late enough to conclude the workday.

Are generally less expensive than lunch.

May serve as an early dinner.

Are frequently memorable because they are different from the more usual breakfast, lunch, or dinner meetings.

 

Dinner Meetings

May continue as late as 11:00 P.M. and are perhaps the longest of the meal meetings.

Are generally more formal and may require more formal dress than worn at the office.

May be initiated by written invitation.

May include spouses or significant others.

Can become a social event when nonbusiness guests such as spouses are included.

Power Tea

When lunch seems too long, or your expense budget is already stretched, try an afternoon or Power Tea. Tea is part of almost every culture in the world. Show yourself to be different, creative, and perhaps memorable by inviting someone to experience tea. Afternoon tea is served at tearooms and some hotels from 2:00 to 5:30 P.M., depending on the location. You may meet at a hotel lobby to share business conversation over a cup of tea and sandwiches. Try tea even if you are not normally a tea drinker. Taking afternoon tea at 3:00 or 4:00 P.M. is a sophisticated way to end the workday, meet a client, conduct business, interview a prospective employee, entertain clients, and/or enjoy a light meal.

There are several reasons for having tea (also known as taking tea) with a business colleague. Teatime occurs in the afternoon and enables you to spend at least three-quarters of the workday in the office. There are no questions about alcohol consumption; the beverage is tea. Generally, a tea meeting will be less expensive than a lunch meeting. You spend less time away from the office. The setting can be as comfortable or formal as you choose. The setting is usually spacious and well-lighted. Afternoon tea is memorable. It works well with mixed gender meetings, but be familiar with the location so that it does not convey a romantic setting.

Who pours the tea?

The host pours the tea for his guests. If there is more than one host, the junior host pours in respect to the others.

 

Power Tea Etiquette

Be knowledgeable about the hotel/tearoom services.

Make reservations in advance.

Arrive early and select a well-lighted table.

Arrange for payment in advance. Pay discreetly.

Familiarize yourself with the menu.

Learn the house specialties and tea terminology, for example, afternoon tea is a mini-meal while high tea is at 6:00 P.M.

Arrange with the hotel to pay for your guest’s parking.

Walk your guest to the exit when leaving.

Meeting for Coffee

Going out for coffee or meeting somewhere out of the office for coffee is another popular way to meet with one or two others for short business meetings. In most areas there are a number of coffeehouses specializing in coffees of different types, cappuccinos, mochas, and lattes, as well as pastries.

Coffee establishments are often noisy and crowded, so they may not be suitable for all types of meetings. Coffee meetings are useful for keeping in touch with busy clients and developing or nurturing working relationships.

Many enjoy coffee at any time of day; some prefer coffee only in the morning. You may meet before work for a cup of coffee or later in the day. If you know your client enjoys coffee, surprise him by bringing his favorite to your morning meeting.

Gratuity Guide

A gratuity, or tip, is generally given as a gift above the cost of the service to the person who has provided the service. Restaurant servers, taxi cab drivers, and hairdressers/barbers are among the many people who are commonly offered a gratuity for their services. In the United States these individuals are frequently paid low or minimum wages and depend upon tips for a part of their income. You are not obligated to give a gratuity, but it is expected and appreciated, particularly if the server has provided good or excellent service to you and your party.

You appear more professional when you know the proper etiquette for gratuities, can tip without fuss, and are discreet about the amount of the tip. You may choose to leave a more generous gratuity if the service has been exceptional or you are a regular customer. Gratuities may vary in different geographic areas. For instance, you might expect to pay higher gratuities in New York City than you would in a small town in the Midwest. The following is only a guide and is not meant to be all-inclusive. Special situations may have their own set of gratuity guidelines.

WHEN YOU ARE THE HOST

In addition to the many host responsibilities mentioned earlier, the following also apply:

Extend the invitation personally at least three days in advance.

Be specific about the reason for the meeting.

Be clear about where to meet (foyer, table, etc.).

Stand when the guests arrive and shake hands.

Keep conversation to light business until after the main course plate is cleared.

Gratuity Guide

Delay your business discussion until coffee and dessert.

Set a comfortable atmosphere.

Ask questions to encourage conversation.

Discuss important points of the business meeting before leaving the table.

Signal the end of the meeting by placing your napkin on the table and rising from your chair.

Sometime your schedule may require a cancellation of a meal meeting. Everyone understands when the cancellation is done with consideration to the other person’s schedule. If you need to cancel, do it with a personal call. There is no need to give a reason other than saying “I have a conflict in my schedule.” If you are the host, reschedule the meeting when you call.

WHEN YOU ARE THE GUEST

Confirm day and time if the invitation is made more than one week in advance.

Arrive on time. If you cannot avoid being more than fifteen minutes late, phone the restaurant to advise your host when to expect you.

The hostess may direct you to a seat. Wait for the hostess to ask you to be seated.

Confine your conversation to business-related subjects.

Follow your host’s lead in ordering beverages.

Let the host give menu suggestions. Order thoughtfully and be aware of costs.

Set a comfortable atmosphere.

Ask questions to encourage conversation.

Be prepared to pay in the event that there was a misunderstanding of host roles.

If you must cancel, call personally, apologize, and suggest a rescheduling.

Send a thank you note after the meeting.

 

Sometimes decisions are made more easily in a relaxed setting. That is why business entertaining at venues like country clubs is part of business etiquette knowledge. Get your manners mastered and the power of knowing what to do will follow you.

Awkward situations sometimes occur at business meetings. One afternoon a colleague telephoned to ask my opinion about a situation. He had been the guest of a woman for lunch. When the bill came, it was placed in front of him. As he looked at his host, she looked at the table, then excused herself to go to the rest room. She returned to the table after a lengthy absence but did not acknowledge the bill or offer to pay it. JR was left with the bill. He was perplexed and annoyed, but paid it. His call to me was to ask what he should have done. My response was to question him on whether he wanted to conduct business with her again. His answer was an emphatic “Yes.” What would you do? These were his options. JR could have

Pushed the bill across the table to her.

Asked her if she was hosting this time.

Suggested that they split the bill.

Paid it and said nothing.

I suggested that the next time he meets her for a meal that he be very clear who is hosting. In most cases, the one who initiated the invitation is the host, and payment is the host’s responsibility. It is also important for the host to inform the server that she is to receive the bill. Guests may not be prepared to pay with cash. You may choose to split the bill, but that needs to be decided at the time of ordering. Sometimes the server will agree to write separate bills or will total each guest’s charge and circle it. Sometimes the establishment will allow a bill to be split evenly and charged equally to two charge cards. These options should also be arranged with the server in advance, preferably at the time of ordering. Always carry cash so you will be prepared for whatever unforeseen situation might arise. If one bill arrives for more than two people, the general rule is to divide it evenly among the number of people. Yes, there are those who order more expensive courses and more courses than others, but the easiest way is to divide the amount evenly. Next time you dine out, you will know how to order and with whom to dine!

What do you do when you agree to split the bill and the money collected does not add up to the total (plus the tip)? Someone has to add more money and it can be a sizable amount if the bill is large. I recently dined with sixteen people. We agreed that each person would contribute their portion according to what was ordered plus a specified amount for tax and tip. The money was $40 short of the total. Who didn’t pay? Everyone contributed, but most likely every person undercalculated his portion and we had to collect an additional $2.50 from everyone to make up the deficit. Who pays? If you are the organizer, you may have to add extra. Another round of conversation will often bring a few dollars more, but then you must add the rest. If you choose to split the bill in this way, be prepared because often you’ll come up short and have to make up the difference somehow!

TOASTS AND ROASTS

Toasts are always appropriate to acknowledge the occasion. If you are hosting a dinner party or entertaining foreign guests, be prepared with a toast or designate someone to make a toast. A toast is a compliment and acknowledgment of the event and guests. A toast is not about past events, people who are not present, or future achievements.

When a toast is given in honor of a guest, that person does not sip. The other guests sip after the toast and the toaster has sipped. The honored guest nods in respect. You do not drink to your own toast; it would be as though you were patting yourself on the back.

A toast might be as simple as “We are honored to have you, Mr. Guest, with us for this occasion of celebrating the completion of our project together.” The guest in turn may reciprocate with his own toast. A toast is not the time to make your oratory about your philosophy of business. Save those comments for another time.

A roast, on the other hand, is a time to tell stories about your friends. Generally, roasts are offered at retirement celebrations, honoring celebrations, and birthday parties. The host should ask some of the guests prior to the event if they would like to roast. They can be prepared with their story. Some roasts are lengthy but there is no set time limit for a roast. The host may have to intervene if the oratory lasts longer than fifteen minutes.