As stated in Chapter 1, conflict is inevitable. The real issue is how we deal with it. We can’t always avoid it, nor can we always resolve it, but we can often engage it in some productive way.
How we tend to view conflict can influence how we react when it happens. We can see conflict as a contest to win, as a problem to solve, or as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others.
If we see conflict as a contest to win, there have to be winners and losers. Somebody is going to be disappointed. If our contest ends up in a tie, both parties can end up disappointed. If we see conflict as a problem to solve, we analyze the conflict and look for solutions. We can work on these solutions by ourselves and present them to the other side, or we can work with the other side to generate solutions together. If we see conflict as a chance to learn, we can approach it in a completely different way. If we want to learn about the conflict, we need to invite both sides to examine the source of the difference, the source of our thinking about the difference, and be willing to challenge sometimes long-held opinions or conclusions about the difference.
Here are five common methods people use to engage conflict.
The competitive, win/lose approach to conflict is an attempt at complete dominance. It is a “winner take all” position. Usually, the focus is on winning the conflict at all costs, rather than on searching for the most appropriate solution for everyone involved.
The win/lose approach is a power-based mode. You use whatever power you think you have available to win people over to your position. If you see conflict as a contest to be won, then your approach to winning that conflict is to use everything you can to defeat the other side, such as rank, influence, alliances, money, and so forth.
Accommodation is a variation on the competitive approach. With this method, you are willing to lose the “contest” to the other person. Some of us seem to approach all conflict this way, but accommodation is different from just caving in.
Effective application of the lose/win approach comes from an assertive position. You can actually assertively choose to accommodate for reasons other than timidity or avoidance.
You may choose to accommodate when dealing with the following situations:
It is more important to preserve the relationship than to argue the issue.
The issue is more important to the other person than it is to you.
You want to send a signal to the other side that you are a reasonable person.
You want to encourage others to express their own point of view.
You want others to learn by their own choices and actions.
On the surface, avoiding conflict appears to be inappropriate for resolving differences. Avoidance is often seen as a fear response, an unwillingness to cooperate, or a denial that a problem exists. Avoidance is referred to as the lose/lose outcome because the avoider seems unable to even deal with the issue, much less manage or resolve it.
However, when appropriately applied, avoidance can actually help to resolve differences between two people.
Example: In the heat of an argument when nothing seems to be getting accomplished, temporary avoidance gives each party time to cool off: “Phil, this isn’t getting us anywhere. Why don’t we give it a rest for a while and discuss it later when we’ve both calmed down a little?”
When this approach is used, it is important that the person who calls the time-out initiate the issue again within an appropriate amount of time. If this doesn’t happen, the temporary avoidance can be perceived as a manipulative move used to simply ignore or to avoid the issue entirely.
You may choose to avoid a particular conflict when faced with the following conditions:
Others can resolve the conflict more effectively.
The negative impact of the situation itself may be too damaging or costly to both parties involved.
Additional time is required.
Both parties need a chance to cool off.
Compromise strategies include negotiation, trade-offs, swapping, and a high degree of flexibility. It is referred to as the win/lose–win/lose position because, although you will get some of what you want, you will also have to give up something else in the process.
It is important to decide in advance how much you are willing to give away before you begin to negotiate. In other words, you need to set limits. This doesn’t necessarily mean you must give away everything up to that point; setting limits in advance simply gives you a range within which you can negotiate effectively.
When using compromise to resolve differences, you indicate concern not only for your own objectives but also for maintenance of the relationship. Compromise is an attempt to find the common ground of agreement. Both parties win some aspects of the issue while giving up others.
You may choose to compromise in order to accomplish the following:
Reach agreement when both sides have equal power
Find a common ground when both parties have competing goals
Achieve temporary settlement in complex matters
Reach a solution under difficult circumstances or time pressures
Advance personal objectives while preserving the relationship
When people are collaborating, there is a maximum concern both for the issues and for the maintenance of the relationship on both sides. Collaboration requires a climate that will enable each person to examine and understand the other person’s point of view. It is referred to as the win/win approach because it involves identifying those areas where agreements exist and where there are differences, evaluating alternatives, and selecting solutions that have the full support and commitment of both parties.
This kind of problem solving requires an atmosphere of trust, the surfacing of hidden agendas, and the willingness to be creative in order to reach resolution. In addition, certain conditions must be agreed upon to achieve the win/win result.
Conditions for Successful Collaboration
• Willingness to Resolve. Both parties must be willing to resolve the conflict.
• Willingness to Go to the Root Problem. Often, what appears to be the problem is only a symptom of the real issue. Both parties must be willing to explore the origins of the conflict in order to identify its true source and deal with it.
• Willingness to Empathize. Feelings are always a part of conflict. Both sides need to be willing to understand the other person’s feelings and point of view, even though they might not agree with each other. Agreement isn’t the issue. The point is to understand and respect the other person’s position.
You may choose to collaborate when you want to accomplish the following:
Preserve important objectives that can’t be compromised while still maintaining the relationship
Merge experiences and feelings from people who have different backgrounds and perspectives
Create new joint alternatives
Get at unresolved root problems that may have hindered the working relationship over a long period of time
The key to using these different approaches to conflict engagement is to choose consciously based upon the conflict and what you would like to have happen.
Think of a conflict at work.
1. What do you want?
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2. What is at stake?
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3. What approach should you use?
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