Most of us think that we are good listeners. Most of us aren’t. Listening is not the natural process we think it is because of the time difference between the relatively slow rate of speech and the much faster rate of processing. On average, we speak at approximately 125 to 150 words per minute, depending on the culture we were raised in and where we currently live. For example, if we’re from the city, we may tend to talk very fast; if we’re from the country, we may tend to talk rather slowly. However, no matter where we’re from, our processing rate is four to six times our speaking rate. In short, most of us can process much faster than someone else can talk.
This leaves us with a lot of free time to do other things while the other person is speaking. We drift off, fantasize, or travel down our mind’s highway on a mental vacation. Of course, every now and then we check back in by nodding our head, muttering “uh-huh,” or “oh, really,” or “no kidding?” or whatever. But we’re not really listening, and we’re certainly not responding.
Here is a list of five levels of active listening and responding skills, beginning with the simplest and graduating to the more complex.
Some of the basic acknowledgments have already been mentioned. Nonverbal responses include head nodding, leaning forward or backward, folding or unfolding arms, making eye contact or looking away, and so on. Verbal responses include saying, “uh-huh,” “oh, really,” “no kidding?” “nah,” “huh?” and so on.
Although these responses are basic, they are nonetheless necessary in letting the speaker know you’re listening. Of course, you can use these same responses to take that mental vacation discussed previously. However, the positive intention of these basic acknowledgments is to indicate that you are actively listening to what is being said.
As the saying goes, “Silence is golden.” This statement could not be truer than when applied to engaging conflict. However, silence is difficult for most of us. We are conditioned to speak rather than listen. But when we are able to discipline ourselves to be silent, we usually find out more information from the speaker.
When you reach a natural pause in what you’re saying, you normally expect the listener to respond to you. If there is silence, you probably have a tendency to add additional information. A good interviewer uses this method when trying to get at information the interviewee may not have originally wanted to reveal.
Silence can also be a powerful opportunity to take time to think or to change the pace of a conversation. Practice stopping to think before speaking. As you become comfortable with silence, you will be less likely to fall victim to the urge to fill it with talk.
The idea of asking questions may seem contradictory at first: How can you be listening if you’re asking questions? In fact, asking questions not only tells the speaker that you’re interested in what is being said, it also tells the speaker that you want to know more. Asking questions helps to gain a better understanding of the other person’s point of view.
Paraphrasing is a response tool used to verify understanding on the part of the listener. It focuses on content and involves interpreting what you think the speaker has said, then getting verification that you are correct. There are certain steps to take when using the paraphrasing process. They are outlined in the box “Steps for Paraphrasing.”
• Let the other person finish speaking. Although this is generally the rule, a courteous interruption is sometimes appropriate. Beginning with a phrase such as, “Excuse me, but let me see if I understand what you’re saying,” is better than not interrupting and then missing the message.
• Restate what you think the other person has said. The intent here is not to parrot the speaker but to repeat in your own words what you think has been said.
• If the speaker confirms your understanding, continue the conversation.
• If the speaker indicates that you have misunderstood what has been said, then ask the speaker to repeat. When attempting to resolve differences, how you handle your misunderstandings is important. If you tell someone, “You’re not making yourself clear . . .,” you may sound accusatory and perhaps intensify the situation. Conversely, if you say, “I’m not understanding you; could you say that again?” you are choosing more neutral language while asking for clarification.
There is one caution when using paraphrasing: Don’t overuse it. You can always tell when someone has just completed a course in listening skills. After passing the person in the hallway, you nod and say, “Good morning, how are you doing?” If the person stops you and says, “Excuse me, let me see if I understand what you’re saying . . .,” he or she has just been to a seminar and is in the midst of paraphrasing everything.
Paraphrasing should be used in order to:
Summarize
Clarify a critical thought
Confirm your understanding
It is not intended to be used in superficial conversations.
As stated previously, paraphrasing focuses on clarity of content. In contrast, reflective listening focuses on responding to the speaker’s emotion.
How you phrase your statements is critical. If you are emotionally involved, it is very easy to sound accusatory rather than concerned.
Here are some examples of reflective listening:
Accusatory Reflective Statements
“Well, look at this, you’re [emotion].”
“Go ahead, feel [emotion].”
“I knew you would react like a(an) [emotion] person.”
Concerned Reflective Statements
“You seem [emotion] about this.”
“I’m concerned about your [emotion].”
“I think you’re feeling [emotion] right now.”
The real value of reflective listening is that it tells the speaker you are working to understand not only what he or she is saying but also how he or she feels about it.
1. Who is the best listener you know?
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2. What specifically does this person do when listening?
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3. How would others rate you as a listener? What levels do you currently use? Which do you need to develop?
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It is important to remember that what is excessive talking for one person may be just the right amount of information or enthusiasm for another. Many people are most comfortable processing information by thinking aloud. To a person who talks little and moves quickly to conclusions, this seems like far too much talk. To another person whose brain works the same way, it may seem perfectly normal.
Listening and responding to the excessive talker is difficult, but it is not impossible. However, you must actively engage in the conversation to get the information you need presented in the way that you need it. There are two tools you can use to do this.
1. Interrupting. As a child, you were probably taught not to interrupt, but you can use interrupting to better participate in the conversation. Phrases such as “Excuse me, but . . .” or “Let me see if I understand you . . .” allow us to break into the conversation and ask for specific information without putting the speaker on the defensive.
Some people who talk a lot also interrupt a lot. Interrupting may very well be a part of their everyday approach to conversation. A good way to check is to interrupt and see if they mind.
2. Focusing. In effect, focusing is asking the speaker to come to the point. A simple phrase such as “So, your point is . . .” or “Then the bottom line is . . .” will usually help put the conversation back on track.
Depending on your relationship with the speaker, perhaps you could tactfully let the speaker know that you would like to work on how you exchange information. Give an example of what will work for you, see what the other person prefers, and be willing to compromise. We run the risk of hurting feelings or perhaps causing temporary conflict, but it may help in the long run, making it worth the effort.
How well you listen can be a strong signal to others about how valuable you consider their ideas and feelings to be.
Think of a conflict you were involved in that you wish you could do over.
1. How well did you listen?
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2. What would you do differently?
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3. Think of a conflict you were involved in that you feel you handled well.
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4. What listening approach(es) did you use?
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5. What will you do next time?
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