Chapter 2
Hey, Are You Talking to Me?

You can speak well if your tongue can deliver the message of your heart.

—John Ford

Talk Me Through It

Whether you admit it or not, you talk to yourself. You’re far from alone. Studies find that most of us use self-directed speech at least every four days, and many report self-chatter every hour. Researchers are also quick to add that talking to yourself doesn’t mean you’re crazy. In fact, self-directed speech can help us improve our memory, at least temporarily. Have you ever been walking out of the house and realized you don’t know where you put your car keys? As you search the normal hiding spots and the truly irrational (Really? In your wife’s jewelry box?), you are probably muttering to yourself the entire time. Turns out, if you are saying something like, “Key, keys, keys,” you will find them faster. That’s because saying the name of the object out loud helps you remember.¹ Another recent study suggests self-directed speech can be helpful when learning a new skill and meeting goals.² You can actually teach yourself by talking about it. Now, please don’t take this as an opportunity to narrate everything you’re doing 24/7. That’s just annoying. However, we do want you to realize that when you say words out loud, you are hearing and processing them similar to when others speak to you. This idea becomes very important in relation to public speaking, as you’ll find out shortly.

Use Your Inside Voice

There’s another voice you hear sometimes, too: the one in your head. It’s the voice that says things such as: “You aren’t smart enough,” “You look fat,” or “You’re going to mess this speech up and everyone is going to think you’re stupid.” Does any of this “inner” dialogue sound familiar? It sure does to us. In fact, all of us have this vicious vocal visitor at one time or another. It’s our inner critic, sometimes referred to as the anti-self. Whereas “worry” is a natural response to stress and challenges, the inner critic twists everything so eloquently that we lose sense of our reality. It not only shoots down our confidence, it sometimes triggers mood swings and even leads to self-sabotage.³ This is not your conscience by the way, or your moral guide. How can you tell the difference? Your conscience wants you to do the “right thing.” The inner critic, on the other hand, is always punishing and destructive. It won’t do anything to help you overcome an obstacle or make things easier. The inner critic is also so persuasive that it will convince you that the self-loathing you are experiencing is actually your idea. Its only job is to make you absolutely miserable. It probably started chattering at you the moment you found out you were giving a speech. We’re going to help you shut this jerk up; but first, let’s find out where this voice comes from and why it’s so good at its bad job.

The Bully Inside: Where Does It Come From?

Your inner critic is an obnoxious bully. It’s made even worse because you can’t exactly cover your ears to shut out all the insults and jibes, as they’re coming from inside your head. As we know, it never has a positive thing to say, nagging us to distraction and self-destruction. So why do we have it? Wait for it. Wait for it. It’s all about survival. Yes, back to the primitive brain. Its main objective is to keep us away from being eaten or falling off a cliff. Its motto: better safe than sorry. The inner critic, like any bully, uses intimidation and persecution to make us do what it wants. So, it pulls out all the stops and pushes every one of your buttons to make sure you don’t risk being mauled by a woolly mammoth. And herein lies the problem: Woolly mammoths have been extinct for 4,000 years.⁴ Yet, our inner critic is still operating as if a herd of them will be waiting, disguised as members of the audience, when you get up to give your speech.

As you learned in Chapter 1, fight, flight, or freeze gets triggered because public speaking feels dangerous and threatening. Your inner critic is sounding the alarm. It shouts: “You’re going to forget everything” or “People will think you’re stupid.” The goal is to thoroughly convince you not to speak in public. It will use every lowdown, nasty trick in the book to get its way because it has to. It believes that if you speak in public, people might reject and eject you from the group or, worse yet, attack you. This, of course, is something unpleasant to avoid.

Rick Hanson, a psychologist who has written on this phenomenon, explains, “There are two kinds of mistakes a person can make in life. They can either think there is a tiger in the bushes when there really isn’t one, or they can think there is no tiger in the bushes, but there actually is one about to pounce. Mother Nature wants us to make the first mistake a thousand times over to avoid making that second mistake even once.”⁵ Can you understand now why your inner critic is so adamant and can get so mean and nasty? It believes it’s saving your life.

Along with the inner critic, there is also the “outer” critic, and that one is all you. How often have you called yourself an “idiot” or “stupid” or “ugly” out loud? Remember that part about how self-directed talk helps us learn new skills and reach goals? Well, it works even when it’s negative. Right. So not only is our inner critic hammering away at us, but also when we put ourselves down out loud, we are essentially teaching ourselves to be losers. It’s no wonder so many of us are scared speechless!

But wait. You have a choice to listen to the inner critic or shout down its voice.

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative

First, it’s time to use self-directed talk for good, not evil. No more negative self-talk comes out of your mouth starting now. You’ve got a big speech coming up and desperate times calls for decisive measures. It’s time to call in your reserves and clean up your trash talking. Nobody wants to hear it, including you. Look, it’s not easy and we all do it. You’re in the habit of doing it, so now make a habit of not doing it. Start catching and correcting yourself out loud. At this important time, do you really think teaching yourself how to be a loser is the best strategy to give an awesome speech? We don’t either.

So what about that nasty inner critic? It seems to be getting louder the closer you are to speech day. Of course! It’s gone into full-on panic mode. It thinks a woolly mammoth herd is about to trample you. If this were really the case, wouldn’t you be yelling, pleading, cajoling, and insulting, too? Wouldn’t you be doing everything you can to prevent someone from stepping up to give a speech in public that could result in a hairy disaster? Well, it’s time to shout back. We’re serious. Some people will tell you to “step away” from the voice or let it “flow” through you. We prefer the active versus the passive approach in this case. So let loose on it and shout back! Most likely it will get louder and more unbearable. But scream at it until it slinks away. And believe us, it will. Because the truth is, both the inner critic and bullies are cowards.

A bit of neuroscience again: The last 20 years of studying the brain has led to many important discoveries. A very interesting one, for our purposes, is that the old saying “You can’t teach an old dog a new trick” is bogus! You can teach an old dog new tricks and actually rewire your brain. Not that we’re calling you an old dog. But neuroscience has found that when you focus your attention on something new, your brain begins making new connections.⁶ Focused attention plays a critical role in creating physical changes in the brain. The more purposeful and conscious your focus is, the more your brain, making different connections, begins to rewire itself. Out with old and in with the new!

A word of caution: With all the shouting, your family might think you’ve lost your mind altogether, so best to do this exercise when it’s just you and your inner critic having it out. Oh, it will come back, in which case you can shout it down again or make a deal with it. You might say, “Look. Yes, I might listen to you and take your advice some day, but not today, not now, and not for this speech, so slither back into your cave.” This is a little white lie. Of course, you want it to be gone forever. You can also thank it for trying to keep you safe, but as there aren’t any woolly mammoths hanging around, you’re good for now. Thanks but no thanks! Of course, feel free to use whatever “colorful” language it takes. With enough practice and focused attention, that old inner critic can turn into your biggest fan.

Now it’s time to move the rest of your mind into action. Guess what? You can use words to do it, too!

Name It to Tame It

At some point in our lives we came to believe that if we pay attention to our anxiety it would get worse. Well, the exact opposite is true. Brain scientists have discovered that if you name your feelings, they actually dissipate or calm. They call it name it to tame it.⁷ In other words, feelings are fluid and they come and go. The key is to stop fighting the anxiety and actually notice the sensations in your body and name them. For example, if you say, “Wow, my heart is beating fast and my chest feels tight. I’m feeling really nervous about giving my speech at work tomorrow,” you could feel more relaxed about it. By actually naming what you are feeling, you might notice that the sensations will calm, even if just a little. And under these circumstances, every little bit counts! As your body calms, it signals the brain that you are not in danger, thus signaling the brain to stop releasing stress hormones to prep the body for fight, flight, or freeze.

That’s another incredible way you can prepare your mind and body for the big day. Yes, we’ll get to the part about practicing delivering your speech, but there’s another kind of practice that can make your performance a success.

Imagery Is Just Like the Real Thing

Remember when we said that the primitive part of the brain wasn’t so smart? Well, here’s a way you can use that to your advantage. That part of the brain doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined. Nope, we’re not making this up. Try it. Imagine that you are about to give a speech. Do you notice yourself beginning to get nervous? Now, imagine that you are doing great and end up getting a standing ovation. Can you feel yourself calming down? Imagining yourself giving your speech in front of people and nailing it fools your brain into thinking that you have been successful at this before.

Additionally, studies show that imagining performing a skill will activate almost the exact same neural pathways as actually performing it, so that you can become better at something simply by imagining yourself doing it.⁸ In other words, imagery can improve physical performance. This has been tested with athletes, musicians, and dancers. The groups that included imagery, in addition to practice, performed better than practice alone.

The imagining process is not just wishful thinking, by the way. It’s a detailed mental rehearsal and, when combined with actual practicing, becomes a very powerful way to improve your public speaking.

Some people call this technique visualization. Whatever you call it, the key is to be specific with what you want to happen. Needless to say, keep your visualizations positive; if the inner critic steps in, tell it to go away and continue to imagine giving the best speech of your life. Again, this is different from just having a general attitude of “I’m going to do well.” This is why you need to be thorough. The more details you can imagine, the more real it will seem to your mind and body. We recommend you do this exercise every single day including up to the moment of giving your speech.

Voices Carry

In this chapter, we’ve discussed how positive self-directed talk can improve our memory, teach us new skills, and achieve goals. We’ve also called out the inner critic inside all of our heads, that ancient bully who thinks it’s saving us from certain death. Understanding these concepts allows us to overcome them.

We have ordered you to stop talking trash about yourself and use your voice to shout down the inner critic. This focused attention will make new connections in your brain, making it easier to quiet your inner critic and turn your adversary into your ally. You can also “name it to tame it”; in other words, voice your concerns out loud. This should calm you down a bit. Finally, it’s time to start imagining your feat. It’s proven that when combined with preparation and physical practice, visualizing your success has a powerfully positive impact on your success as a public speaker.

Try and Apply

Combat the Inner Critic

There is a big difference from inter-directed talk and that inner critic that lives inside your head. Here’s a way to begin to correct that bad habit: Start now by noticing how you speak to yourself. The first time you hear something negative, immediately stop and rephrase it into something positive, even if you don’t believe it. The rest of the day, feel free to curse yourself out. Of course, we’re kidding. The point is that the first time you catch yourself and rephrase it, you heighten your awareness to it and bullying yourself will no longer be okay. Be conscious and purposeful. Remember, the power is in the focus. Where you choose to put your attention changes your brain, how you see yourself, and interact in the world.

Noticing Tames the Beast

Emotions are like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes they feel like tsunamis and other times they feel like small ripples. Noticing what you feel and naming it will help calm the emotion down. If the thought of public speaking brings out a fast-beating heart or butterflies in your stomach, you are probably feeling anxious. By acknowledging the anxious feeling without judgment, you will help it calm. If it doesn’t, notice the feeling with curiosity and ask yourself if it is okay to feel that emotion. Our bodies have a circuit breaker much like our homes’ electrical system. The intensity of the emotion will come down—your nervous system is built that way—so challenge yourself to wait it out and notice how long it takes for the emotion to start its journey back to homeostasis.

Getting the Picture: How to Start Imagining!

Find a quiet, safe place. Sit in a chair with your legs planted firmly on the floor. Notice your feet on the floor and your butt on the seat. Now, notice your breathing. Listen to the sounds in the room. What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you feel? When you notice you are calm, begin to imagine giving your speech from beginning to end, moment by moment. Every so often, notice how you’re feeling. Does your heart begin to beat a little faster? If so, ground yourself again, notice your feet on the floor, and butt in the chair. As you begin to calm down, keep going. Focus on breathing throughout the exercise and don’t stop no matter what, even if you have to ground yourself 50 times while you’re imagining giving your speech from start to finish.

Key Notes

1. Self-talk: Talking out loud makes learning a new skill easier and helps you remember.

2. Turn your inner critic into your biggest fan: Focusing your attention, consciously and purposefully, can help you change a negative thought into a positive one.

3. Name it to tame it: Don’t be afraid of your emotions. Tune in and name the feelings you’re experiencing; this will help them calm.

4. Visualize this: Imagery can improve physical performance, so imagining giving the best speech of your life will help you achieve it.