Whiners remind you of holding children’s hands as you walk them across a street. They want you to help guide them through life’s challenges. Whiners complain to connect with others. They seek reassurance, guidance, and direction. Whiners complain to reach out and get empathy or validation from others in their community. They need constancy, support, and security.
Whiners complain to form relationships and receive empathy. They vent, withdraw, and want others to solve their problems. Whiners:
Whiners bring doom and gloom to the office. They are overly sensitive, withdrawn, moody, sulky, grumpy, and crabby. They are passive lamenters who pout, sigh, and moan. They repeat discussions regarding perceived offenses or slights. Whiners withdraw, hide, become quiet, and exhibit helplessness. If frustrated, they become touchy, explosive, and prone to outbursts and tantrums.
Whiners hope to be soothed, comforted, or reassured. They feel if they let others know their complaints, the issues will be addressed or solved for them. When they feel overwhelmed, ignored, or vulnerable, they explode.
Actions that Don’t Work with Whiners:
The best way to negotiate with Whiners is to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
When the Whiner is your boss, you need to listen and make sure you aren’t causing the problem and that the solution isn’t yours to fix. Like all Whiners, bosses want to feel heard and receive empathy for their problems. Sometimes they would like someone else to fix the problem, and sometimes they just want to vent. Listening can make all the difference as long as you don’t sign up as your Complainer’s professional coach, counselor, or parent. Despite the role as your leader, you still need to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
Zoe works as a case manager for a nonprofit social services agency. She sat down next to Cindy, her boss, and the executive director at their annual volunteer appreciation lunch. Zoe soon regretted not finding another seat. Cindy said hello and asked how Zoe was doing. Two seconds after Zoe replied, “Fine,” Cindy started whining:
“That must be nice. I’m not fine. You work with people and get to solve problems. You’re not stuck having to account to a board of directors for every penny. You don’t have to explain why costs are up and our donations are down again this year. It’s unbelievable. You know, we’re here to serve people who need the help. If I wanted to be a bean counter, I wouldn’t have chosen a career in social services.”
Zoe needs to listen for a few minutes. Cindy is venting. Reporting to the board is not a problem under Zoe’s control. Then, Zoe should empathize with Cindy’s situation. Finally, Zoe should ask Cindy what solutions she is going to try—and then repeat as needed.
Zoe’s response might sound like this: “Wow. All that reporting can’t be any fun, and it takes time away from your important work. What are you going to do?”
Let’s say Cindy’s response is, “Well, what can I do? I can’t just make donors give us money or stop inflation. I can’t avoid the board’s questions. I can’t ignore the finances. What can I do?!”
Zoe can repeat: “I’m sorry. Sounds like you want a change. What do you think you’re going to do?”
When the Whiners are your peers, you often care about them and may see others doubting their skills because of their behavior. Remember, it’s not your role to tell them it’s time to get past a problem or attempt to lead them. Giving solutions on how to fix the drama won’t work until Whiners decide to change. On some level, Whiners attract or encourage continuing conflict. Remember to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
Julie is a sales professional at a large hotel. Julie’s life story could fill a book, but people would probably think it was fiction. After two years of Julie being at the hotel, her coworkers Janet and Tahnesha have become experts in the details of Julie’s soap opera. Julie’s constant complaints of an abusive husband, a child who graduated college and refuses to visit, financial woes, health challenges, mother-in-law issues, and a chronically sick cat make working with Julie exhausting. Julie’s sick and vacation days are a welcome break for the hotel’s sales team. Julie’s latest rant was:
“Did I tell you that he’s getting angrier and meaner every day? I just can’t leave him. Besides, where would I go? Not everyone takes pets. He’d let Snowball die just to spite me. She’s the only one who loves me. If I leave, my monster-in-law would be thrilled. She’d have her precious son to herself. But what if Chloe comes to her senses and comes home? She’s only 23.”
The shared feeling among the hotel staff is that daughter Chloe is the smartest family member for leaving that nuthouse. Janet and Tahnesha need to listen to Julie for a few minutes. Then, empathize with Julie’s situation. They need to remember that Julie needs professional emotional guidance, not well-intentioned advice from her coworkers. Janet and Tahnesha might want to notify their human resources (HR) professional who knows the hotel’s health benefits. HR may be able to point Julie toward a good resource or an employee assistance program to assist her in sorting out her issues. Finally, they need to ask Julie what solutions she has to address her problems and repeat as needed.
After listening for a few minutes, Janet’s or Tahnesha’s response might sound like this: “Wow. Julie, I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t handle all the problems you have. What are you going to do now?”
If Julie says, “I just don’t know. It is so hard,” the response is, “Sounds like it is really hard. So how are you going to handle it?” Repeat as needed. Eventually, Julie will understand that although caring and empathy exist, there are limits.
When the Whiners are your direct reports, they want to feel heard and reassured that their contributions are also important. They want their leader or a “person in power” to solve their problems. As their leader, your job is to point out areas where they contribute to the company’s success and where their behavior or performance is not adding value. Remember to listen, empathize, and ask for solutions.
Fred works for a large national distribution company. He inadvertently received an e-mail file from the compensation group. Before realizing what the e-mail contained, Fred opened the file and saw a spreadsheet containing the salaries of several of his coworkers. Since Fred found out his coworkers’ pay is higher than his, he hasn’t been the same. Despite a strict company policy to keep pay confidential, Fred gripes about the difference to his family members, friends, other employees, and even customers. Although he could go to company-sponsored courses to improve his skills, he has chosen not to attend.
Fred’s leader should listen for a few minutes. Then, empathize with Fred’s situation. Finally, he should ask Fred what solutions he has to address the problems and repeat as needed. Fred was fine with his pay until he knew others made more.
During a conversation to discuss his pay, his boss could say, “I’m so sorry, Fred. What are you going to do about making more money?”
Fred’s response might be along the lines of, “What do you mean, what can I do? You’re the boss. You could give me a raise tomorrow if you wanted.”
If so, his leader can reply, “Fred, you’re at the highest pay grade for your job description. Because of your seniority, you have more vacation than anyone else. If you want to increase your value to the company, which would also increase your pay, you need to learn new things that the company needs. You haven’t attended any of the company classes to learn anything new. What are you going to do?”
When turning to management to help with Whiners, remember to ask and answer several questions.
Whiners bring doom and gloom to the office. They aren’t problem solvers; instead, they waste people’s time with their tales of woe and expect others to solve their problems for them. They can be overly emotional and indecisive, and they may not act when they should. All of these are good business reasons for someone in management to help you negotiate with a Whiner.
If you are a peer or a direct report, you may need help with guidance, strategy formulation, or intervention. As a leader, you want HR or a senior manager to support your decision to act. Whiners can cry, pout, and throw temper tantrums. You should consider having an HR representative as you coach or counsel the Whiner in case that person becomes emotional. If not, let management and HR know that you are about to have such a conversation. Your leaders need to know that your Whiner may come to them crying or upset. Some Whiners are known to leave for the day after speaking to their boss. You want your leaders to be prepared to support your position that the whining behavior stop.
As you plan for discussions with Whiners, remember that they want others to empathize with them. They will gripe or emotionally withdraw to get their needs met. Whiners are introverted and feeling communicators. Under extreme stress, they “blow” and throw temper tantrums. As the leader, let your Whiners know that you appreciate and care about them personally. Suggest Whiners seek training or coaching to develop their natural strengths in conflict resolution and team building and to improve coping skills in assertiveness and communications. Remind Whiners that people want to connect with them more when they are problem solvers, not just problem suppliers.
Whiners know that complaining works in getting them what they want. At times, their “helpless me” act bonds them to more powerful people who can protect them. The same companies that have no problems disciplining people for excessive absenteeism, poor performance, or rule breaking may be hesitant to discipline a Whiner because it seems they already have it so rough.
The best way to negotiate to get help with your Whiner is to show that the Whiner’s choice to play a victim is hurting others’ performance and wasting time. Document a Whiner’s specific behavior and language, especially when other teammates are affected by that person’s inaction. Remember to be detailed as well as solution-oriented in your conversations with management and HR. If you paint a clear picture of the helpless act and how a Whiner is offloading work to others and hasn’t made a contribution, other leaders in your company will take notice of the whining behavior, too.
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