Chapter 3
Prima Donnas
Pay Attention to Me
Pot stirrers Gossips Tourists Finger pointers Freeloaders Drama queens/kingsSpot a Prima Donna
Negotiating with Prima Donnas reminds you of approaching a curvy road where you must pay attention or risk crashing. Prima Donnas use complaints as a means to obtain visible recognition for themselves. They use an aggressive approach to satisfy their need to be admired and liked by many. Prima Donnas feel comfortable in the spotlight and often seek it to the exclusion of others. They are articulate and at ease in front of groups. Prima Donnas know how to build coalitions to promote their position, and they complain to “voice” or represent what they claim is the group’s position.
Are You Negotiating with a Prima Donna?
Prima Donnas complain to seek attention. They gossip, create drama, and stir up trouble. Prima Donnas:
- always strive for the spotlight, even to the exclusion of others.
- are quick to take credit, even for others’ work.
- act superior and take no blame for mistakes.
- are really expressive and dramatic in their demeanor.
- spread gossip or negative information about others.
Reactions.
Prima Donnas are brash, excessive, over the top, reactionary, erratic, and dramatic. They are humorous, even when criticizing, and are creative at getting heard and noticed. Prima Donnas are good at using words, explanations, facial expressions, tones of voice, and their bodies to express their opinions. They take credit for others’ work, make promises they won’t deliver on, or even lie. They are procrastinators. If something goes wrong, they point fingers and claim it isn’t their fault and it’s out of their control.
Reality.
Prima Donnas criticize others behind their backs to position themselves more positively. If someone gets the attention they want, they are jealous and vindictive. They seek freedom from control and detail. Prima Donnas act up, make unwarranted comments, or have disproportionate responses to express themselves and be heard. They project an air of superiority and overcompensate to gain attention no matter what. When frustrated, Prima Donnas grow argumentative, try to explain themselves, and push harder to be appreciated.
Stop a Prima Donna
Actions that Don’t Work with Prima Donnas:
- Describing why their reaction is too extreme and excessive. Prima Donnas are more concerned with being heard than being discreet and calm. They don’t want to tone down their response. Quite the opposite, they want attention and a platform.
- Putting them on the spot. Prima Donnas seek the spotlight, but they don’t want to be on the spot, answering detailed questions. They have difficulty giving logical accounts and will deflect, leave, or shut down entirely in response to aggressive behavior or questioning from others.
- Asking them to be rational. Asking Prima Donnas to follow the existing systems or to validate their opinions before acting or voicing disapproval doesn’t work. Logical reasoning isn’t the best approach with this relationship-driven personality type.
The best way to negotiate with Prima Donnas is to remember to acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.
- Acknowledge. Let them know that you observe their behavior. Describe the personal and business consequences that may result from their current actions.
- Avoid getting lost in the drama. Don’t play their games or get caught up in the madness. Prima Donnas are in their element when they are stirring up trouble. They are comfortable with a world that revolves around them and their opinions. Stay grounded. Insist on a problem-solving approach and have them take responsibility.
- Publicize. Make others aware of the Prima Donna’s new role or intended outcomes. Publicizing can be embarrassing if Prima Donnas don’t do as they promised.
How to Stop a Prima Donna Boss
When the Prima Donna is your boss, your job is to make him or her look good. Prima Donnas want to gain favor with clients, superiors, and peers. They pretend to know answers and make unrealistic promises that their teams or employees have trouble delivering. They may not share the spotlight or give credit to the people who make their success possible. Instead, Prima Donnas complain about others’ performances. They may take undue credit for others’ efforts and successes. Even though a Prima Donna is your leader, you need to acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.
Stingy Seth
The events team at a large venue survived a tough year. One week’s events included a concert, a sporting event, and a monster truck show that required unloading several tons of dirt and then removing the dirt in a turnaround of 48 hours. The planning and execution of moving large-scale staging equipment, seating, lighting, and sound required a complex preparation. Often, crews began their day at midnight to get ready for the next event.
Despite their leader Seth being absent, the team pulled together and turned out amazing results for several productions. Actually, the team didn’t mind Seth being gone. When he was present, Seth caused problems, complained to them, and got in their way. Seth even created problems for the team in other departments.
At sales meetings, Seth didn’t understand his team’s function or capabilities, so he often misspoke or made promises his team couldn’t deliver. One big show, which would have raised a large amount of revenue, was turned away because Seth made a scheduling error. Later, he blamed losing the deal on the team’s lack of support and bad attitude.
During the company’s annual awards ceremony, Seth’s name was called as manager of the year. Seth proudly walked up, received the award, and said:
“Thanks. This year was a big challenge for me with tough deadlines, late nights, and personal difficulties. There were a lot of problems, and I wasn’t always popular. This award shows that with perseverance, you can achieve anything. I didn’t realize anyone else saw the sacrifices I’ve made. Thank you again.”
Seth didn’t even mention the people who worked for him. They were the ones who met those tough deadlines, stayed up the late nights to deal with the changes, and ran the events while Seth handled his personal difficulties.
Seth wants to be admired and adored so much that he doesn’t advocate for his team. Having a Prima Donna boss is a tricky situation. A team or employee can’t stop performing and achieving results because their jobs and reputations are involved, too. Instead, you need to acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.
If team members let Seth’s acceptance speech go unnoticed, they send a subtle message that they agree with his version of the “facts.” This could be an opportunity to manage up. As an example, Marc, a senior member of the team, could acknowledge Seth’s behavior by saying, “Seth, you and I know how hard the team worked this year, but they didn’t feel recognized today.” Marc needs to avoid getting lost in the drama, especially any justifications Seth offers. No matter what excuse Seth makes, Marc can respond, “My concern is what you do next. Why don’t you send out an e-mail to the team thanking them for making you look good and copy your boss? Better yet, why don’t you send the e-mail and buy lunch for everyone? I think it will improve some spirits and encourage them to help you look good in the future.”
If Seth buys everyone lunch, his effort is publicized. If he doesn’t buy lunch, the team members’ negative perception of Seth goes unchallenged. This Prima Donna drama might work itself out. Leaders who don’t acknowledge their people are viewed in an unfavorable light. Prima Donnas and other complaining bosses also surface when a company has a process to determine a leader’s effectiveness. Worker satisfaction surveys, 360° performance assessments, and even the company grapevine reveal how teams regard their leaders.
In the future, there are ways the team can publicize its accomplishments and the tremendous work being done. The team might create and have clients complete an evaluation after an event. Evaluations not only measure and document performance, they also can help obtain feedback that can be shared internally. Team members can enter events in industry showcases, give tours to clients and vendors, inform their corporate communications people of success stories, and let peers in other organizations know of accomplishments through trade association functions or publications.
I work with people who talk the good game, but don’t deliver. They talk about all they know, all the connections they have, and all the great ideas they say they are going to do. Then, when it is time to accomplish something, they are nowhere to be found. I usually end up doing the work. They get all the credit and are looked to yet again. (Sigh.)How to Stop a Prima Donna Peer
Prima Donnas who are colleagues have complaining behavior that is brash, distracting, and gossipy. Prima Donnas interrupt and treat complaining like a theatrical production. They vent, gossip, and act like divas. Prima Donnas want to feel heard and admired by their audience. “Vacationing” at other people’s offices, interrupting meetings, stopping others in the hall, and acting out their latest complaint is common. You can’t avoid them or ask them to honor your schedule. They don’t care how much work is on your desk. Instead, acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.
Parked at Parker’s
Last year, Sonja and Parker worked together planning and marketing a series of global conferences. During the latest company reorganization, Parker was placed on another team and given different marketing responsibilities. With fewer people, Parker is buried with work. His former team member Sonja drops by unexpectedly and interrupts him almost daily to complain and gossip about his old team. Nothing works to keep her away. In the past three months, Parker has shut his door, asked her to reschedule, and hidden in a conference room. Sonja finds him, interrupts him, and settles in for her gripe session.
One of his new team members asked Parker yesterday, “So what’s up with you and Sonja? You two are always together. I thought you had a girlfriend.” Now that coworkers are talking, Parker knows something has to be done.
Sonja uses complaining to be social. She probably misses the collaboration from last year and avoids her isolation by visiting. Parker needs to acknowledge to Sonja that there are personal and business consequences when she vacations in his office. He needs to refuse to get lost in her drama or play the role of an audience member. Parker needs to publicize their new agreement or policy. His conversation might sound something like this:
“Sonja, I’m calling you to discuss something serious. When you come into my office to discuss our old team, bad things happen. People ask why you’re there since we no longer work together. People think we aren’t working. And I don’t get any work done. I work hard and I can’t afford the perception that I don’t. Our informal visits need to end. Just now, I sent out an e-mail to my coworkers acknowledging how busy we all are. I promised to respect their time and, wherever possible, to avoid unnecessary meetings, e-mails, and discussions regarding matters that aren’t a priority. I also asked them to honor that same commitment with me. I copied you and my boss on that e-mail. Since we’re not working together right now, let’s stop our conversations during the workday.”
My coworker chatted incessantly and wasted much of my time. I finally took the chairs out of my office so she couldn’t sit down to waste time, complain, gossip, etc.How to Stop a Prima Donna Employee
When the Prima Donnas are your direct reports, they gossip, build cliques, and seek inappropriate attention. Prima Donna employees stir up trouble to be in the spotlight. They exaggerate perceived offenses and seek public revenge. Prima Donnas intensify their efforts to be noticed when someone excludes or doesn’t acknowledge them. Prima Donnas want to feel recognized and heard. The irony is, Prima Donnas’ attempts to be acknowledged can backfire and their overreactions create more of a division. You can’t stop Prima Donnas by using logic, putting them on the spot, or asking them to calm down. Prima Donnas care more about venting and getting attention than the bad results their behavior brings. Instead, acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.
Dharma the Drama Queen
Dharma works for a firm that serves as a business partner to the telecommunications industry. Dharma’s firm provides services to Tom’s client. In the past, Dharma worked closely with Stuart, now Tom’s boss, in troubleshooting issues, solving problems, and keeping the team members in the loop. When Stuart was promoted, Tom took on his role. On several occasions, Tom has left Dharma off the e-mail communication. This lack of communication makes Dharma feel uninformed and look incompetent. Last night was the last straw. One of the members of Tom’s team forwarded an e-mail from Tom regarding their key client. Dharma should have been copied. This morning, Tom, the team, and Stuart received the following e-mail from Dharma:
“Tom, when I was forwarded your last team update from someone else, I knew I had to say something. This is the fourth time I’ve been left out of important communications in the past two weeks. We’re supposed to be partners and looking out for the client’s best interest. How am I supposed to do my job if you intentionally keep me in the dark? If I’m held accountable for solving these issues for our client, I actually need to know about the issue in real time. Your behavior is unprofessional and is hurting both of our reputations. I’m tired of doing all this work and receiving no respect from you. Please start including me in the communications immediately.”
Dharma’s complaining e-mail is reflective of someone who is touchy, is explosive, and needs attention. Although some of her emotions are justified, copying Tom’s team and his boss on a scathing e-mail is over the top. Tom can’t respond to Dharma in an e-mail with logical reasons defending himself. Likewise, crafting an equally emotional e-mail indicating that she is destroying his reputation isn’t wise and won’t improve the situation.
As in many companies, Dharma is working with Tom’s group through another company. Although he is the leader on the project, Tom isn’t her boss, so his ability to coach Dharma is limited. Tom needs to pick up the phone and call Dharma. He should acknowledge her feelings and her important role on the team. “Dharma, I think picking up the phone is a better way to discuss this matter. Can you tell me what is going on?” After Dharma rants a little about being left off the e-mails, Tom can say: “Taking it from your perspective, I understand your concerns. You are now added to the main distribution list. Dharma, your actions embarrassed me in front of the team and my boss.”
If Dharma tries to explain her actions, Tom should not get lost in the drama. He can simply say, “I’m ready to move on and serve our client. Can we agree to call each other if we experience any problems in the future?”
Tom can publicize their conversation with a short response to the e-mail Dharma sent: “Dharma, thank you for bringing the communication oversight to my attention. As you and I discussed earlier today, the situation has been corrected. You should now be on all e-mail distribution lists regarding this client. Please call me immediately if any other issues occur.” Now, it is Tom’s turn to copy all in his response. The e-mail communication problem is addressed. If Dharma continues her outbursts or communicates in a negative manner, it’s her professional reputation that will be tarnished and not Tom’s.
It reminds me of being back in high school.
Turn to Management to Help Stop Prima Donnas
When turning to management to help stop Prima Donnas, remember to ask and answer several questions.
How Does the Company Benefit by Helping You Negotiate with a Prima Donna?
There are many good business reasons for asking people in management to help you negotiate with Prima Donnas. Prima Donnas are gossipers and create cliques. With Prima Donnas, other people feel intimidated, excluded, talked about, and embarrassed. Instead of accepting responsibility, Prima Donnas will point their fingers at others. Prima Donnas cause interruptions and throw others under the bus.
What Do You Want the Organization to Do?
As a leader, you want management to back your decision on disciplinary action. You may want human resources (HR) or a senior manager present when you coach or counsel a Prima Donna. If a leadership representative does not attend, let them know that the Prima Donna might head to their offices to give a dramatic presentation replaying your discussion, including fabricated stories about what actually was said. In preparation, consider having HR practice a coaching session with you by playing the role of your Prima Donna. You want to practice for this performance.
What Communication Strategies Work with Prima Donnas?
As you plan for discussions with Prima Donnas, remember they want attention and will act out to get noticed. Prima Donnas are loud, quick-witted, and good with words. Also, they can create a scene. They are aggressive and speak their minds, even when the words hurt their position. Under stress they grow agitated, become argumentative, and want to be heard. Under extreme stress, they shut down. Suggest Prima Donnas seek training or coaching to develop their natural strengths in public speaking and social interaction. They may also need to improve coping skills in impulse control, understand the benefits of planning, and learn to better recognize their own strengths without relying on validation by others. Remind Prima Donnas that receiving positive recognition for a job well done is better than being noticed and creating a reputation based on negative impressions.
What Detours and Roadblocks Do You Face?
Prima Donnas are known for connecting with others. They are great actors and put on a good show. Although they make others feel small in the process, leadership may never have seen the Prima Donna act negatively. Leadership may determine that a Prima Donna’s contribution and communication abilities outweigh the risk of his or her complaining behavior.
Turn Management Around
The best way to negotiate with management is to show how Prima Donnas are creating disruption and not holding themselves accountable. Reveal instances where their storytelling is actually the telling of lies. Describe objectively the acting out they are doing and the types of scenes their negative complaining creates at work and in front of clients.
Travel Tips to Stop Prima Donnas Reactions. Prima Donnas appear brash, excessive, over the top, reactionary, erratic, and dramatic. They are comfortable in the spotlight, often seeking it to the exclusion of others. They take humor to the extreme, take credit for others’ work, make promises they won’t deliver on, and sometimes even lie. Prima Donnas are good at using words, explanations, facial expressions, tones of voice, and even their bodies to express their complaints. It doesn’t work to explain that the Prima Donnas’ reactions are too extreme, to correct or challenge them in public, or to ask them to be rational. The best way to negotiate with Prima Donnas is to acknowledge, avoid getting lost in the drama, and publicize.