Defining success for each child

There are principles of success that apply to any child, including honesty, service for others, self-discipline, kindness, and generosity. Each child is unique with individual gifts, talents, and goals. One of the wonderful journeys of life is to help your children through the self-discovery process of their talents. We don’t all have the same talents and gifts. The quest to discover and develop those unique talents inside us is a lifetime pursuit. As parents, we are required to help our children discover and develop those gifts even in adulthood.

We all have many talents and gifts, but I believe to my core that within each of us, we have a few world-class talents that were placed there for the specific purpose of significant service. As we learn what those few talents are and develop them throughout our lives, our personal joy and self-esteem are increased. Our mission is to uncover those gifts in ourselves. If we can aid our children in their self-discovery process, we give them a leg up on success and joy in their life.

As a parent, of course you want to lead that discovery journey for your child. It's your primary role. The Book of Proverbs in the Bible offers this excellent advice for family success: “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” On one level, this proverb means that if you teach your children right from wrong, they will use that knowledge their whole life. But I think there's another layer to this proverb that we need to explore. As parents, we must direct our children to discern and develop their unique talents and gifts. If we help them discover those gifts early in life, they won’t depart from using them their whole life. The world will be a better place when we all use our talents to benefit our world.

This focus on guiding our children to recognize their unique talents frames defining of success individually for each of our children. When our children are younger, we must take ownership of the definition of success. As they age, our role becomes more of an advisor of success. It was clear at a very early age that I defined success in terms of money and status. I don’t believe my parents ever feared for my ability to earn a good income because I was motivated to earn my way and had a strong work ethic. They had instilled that characteristic in me. At the same time, they were also deliberate in working to broaden my perspective through this philosophy, which comes from the Book of Luke in the Bible: “To whom much is given, much is required.” They were clear in their stance that being blessed with talents and wealth required sharing, charity, and helpfulness.

My older brother, Kurt, while not a captain of industry, is a captain of teaching in the music arts. Kurt has had an extremely successful career and a tremendous impact on others through being a university professor teaching vocal performance. He also performs in music and opera throughout the United States. My parents helped him define success for himself in the arts, and his exceptional gifts were apparent at a young age. He enjoyed being in the church and school choirs, playing the piano, giving voice lessons, acting in plays (especially musicals), and playing English handbells. My parents encouraged his passions and talents even though his were dramatically different from the sport-related pursuits of “normal” kids his age. Kurt and I could not be more different than any two human beings. But I could not be more proud of him because he has used his gifts and talents at an extraordinary level to entertain and teach people the love and performance of the arts. We both owe an immense debt to our parents, who brilliantly helped us define success individually and encouraged us to walk our own paths.

Recognizing their differences

Our children are very different from each other. If you are a parent, you clearly understand that. Most of us set family rules, procedures, core values, and characteristics that we want to train our children on, and they should apply to all of the kids. That being said, we must recognize and determine the differences in our children. Asking yourself these questions can help:

• What make each child tick?
• What’s important to them?
• What specific gifts or skills are evident?
• What is my child passionate about?
• What interests does my child want to pursue?

Communication strategies and mediums can also be different for each child. Ask yourself these questions:

• What is the best method of communication with this child?
• How should I communicate corrective behavior needs?
• What is the best way to assign tasks?
• What length is their attention span?
• When talking one on one, is it best to sit, stand, take a walk, or drive in the car?

Both my children are very different in the way they communicate and in their communication needs. Wesley has the gift of verbal communication and needs little prodding to open up and talk. He has been that way his whole life. He is easy to communicate with. The challenge is keeping him focused on the topic at hand. I have to keep that in my mind when I am attempting to communicate effectively with him.

Annabelle, my daughter, is much more difficult to draw out. When she is frustrated or things are not going her way, she turns inward and closes up, which is the exact opposite of her brother. Getting her outside on a walk is one of my key strategies to get her to open up and become more open-minded. Out on a walk, I can then communicate, encourage, and help her become more successful.

As parents, we desire our children to feel safe, loved, and appreciated. We are all working to build their self-esteem so that the world at large doesn’t steal their feelings of value and well-being. Being successful requires general and specific tools all labeled by name in our parenting toolbox. As a parent, using a hammer when the proper tool is a crescent wrench can be disastrous. I am always asking myself this question: What’s the right tool for this child at this moment?

Celebrating and encouraging their gifts and skills

As a parent, we have all felt overwhelmed. We have all felt inferior and maybe even like a failure in raising our kids. My deepest regrets with my two is not celebrating enough or encouraging enough. First, let me state, having been at this journey of parenting for 17 years, I don’t think that any parent can overdo encouragement and the celebration of accomplishments and victories of their children. In reviewing myself, observing other parents, and recalling my childhood, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as praising your kid too much.

Setting up each day for success

I start each day praying for Annabelle and Wesley. I pray for security, protection, and wisdom for them. Because they are both out and about as teens, with Wesley actually driving, there is a level of comfort I feel knowing they are covered in prayer. I additionally pray for myself and Joan in dealing with these challenging teen years. Mostly I pray for patience and endurance as we deal with new and old challenges that have not yet been resolved. I recently asked a friend how he was doing because his teen son is particularly challenging. His response was, “He keeps me in prayer.”

The four probabilities of success are knowledge, skill, attitude, and activities. If you improve any one of these four, you dramatically increase the odds of your success. For both my kids, I focus on primarily on two: attitude and activities.

We talk a lot about our mental attitude in our home. One of our children has always been naturally positive, excited, and expectant of the positive to happen to him. The other has always been less so, to the point of anger, frustration, and venting, especially in the mornings. The lessons of choosing your attitude, controlling one’s attitude, and shifting or changing one’s attitude are discussed frequently. Many children don’t understand the importance of attitude in their daily lives and their overall success.

We then must focus on activities. The right activities can change our attitude and create success. I ask my kids frequently if they are going to have their activities control their attitude today. They know the answer is yes. To be successful, our activities must control our attitude more than our attitude controls our activities. Stated differently, does how I feel control what I do, or does what I do control how I feel?

The true mark of success is that action controls attitude.

We also talk about their primary goal today at school. What is the one thing that they need to accomplish? I also ask about that once they get home from school. What is the most important thing they need to accomplish after school and before dinner? Even just a day is too long a period of time to be allowed to be frittered away because of poor planning and strategy. As parents, we must seize each day because we don't know how many we really have with our kids.

Looking for encouragement opportunities

It’s easy to find fault or error in others. It doesn’t take any particular skill to spot when someone messed up. It takes effort and reprogramming in ourselves to catch others doing something well. When it comes to our kids, we don't have to be concerned that giving them too much positive reinforcement might swell their heads. Most kids are their biggest critics. They know when they mess up because they hide it or try to cover it up. Those are the actions people take when they fall short.

Focus on even the smallest tasks to give encouragement to raise their self-esteem and increase their adherence to your rules and principles.

The nagging of children by parents only leads to dependent adults who continue to need prompting, but their boss won’t prompt forever. Did they unload the dishwasher well? Did they make their bed nicely? Is everything off the floor in their room? Did they offer to help you out? Did they get their homework done on time? Did they receive a good grade on a recent assignment or test? Did they play their instrument beautifully? Did you enjoy watching them compete, win or lose?

As a parent, you need to make the effort to shift your mindset so that you passionately look for what they do right, which you can praise, rather than look for things they do wrong, which you are inclined to correct.

Demonstrating love to your child

The whole world is energized through the demonstration of love. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. We must be vigilant for moments to demonstrate value and love. My favorite actions are “just because” moments of love. It’s something that I do for children just because I love them. In fact, earlier today, I sensed one of those moments and opportunities for Wesley. Wesley was going with a few friends to a movie and lunch this afternoon. He had made plans and asked for permission to take the car. He had done his responsibilities, which were a condition of him being able to go. Before he left, I did a “just because.” I gave him a ticket to the movies, which I always have on hand because you can buy them in bulk at Costco for a reduced rate. I handed him one along with seven dollars for his lunch. And I made the point to tell him that I was giving him my last seven dollars in cash, because I was. I told him I wanted him to enjoy the movie courtesy of his mother and me, and this cash was his as well. I made it clear that we love him and are proud of him, and he is turning into a fine young man. We were giving him these small gifts “just because” he is our son.

It’s also important to know your child’s love language. Does it come from spending time with you in recreational pursuits? Is it having a tea party with your little girl? Dads, it speaks volumes when you would do something that isn't considered particularly “manly” with your daughter. That goes for cooking or baking as well. I am not terribly interested in photography, but Wesley is, and he is very good at it. What I am interested in is that my son and daughter know clearly the depth and breath of my devotion to them and love for them.

There is nothing more powerful than a love note, which you can pen to your significant other or your children. The verbal expression of love is fleeting and can be drowned out by the noise and business of the world we live in. The note of love acts as an anchor of truth. These small notes can stop their ship from running aground into the rocks of depression, drugs, and negative behavior like bullying. I want to provide as many anchors of safety as I can to build my kids’ confidence and self-esteem.

I'd like to add another note for fathers. Steve Farrar, author of the book, Point Man: How a Man Can Lead His Family, draws a military analogy: As fathers, we are placed in the point man role. We are on patrol in a battle zone with our family occupying the platoon behind us. There is a war being carried on all around us by the world, both seen and unseen. The enemy knows that if he can take out the point man, he can take out the rest of the platoon. This graphic depiction had a profound impact on my thinking because I know it to be true. I don't mean to diminish my wife's value nor her critical role in our family. In fact, you may be reading this book as a single parent. As either the mom or the dad, understand that you are the point person of your platoon without the hope of backup. Our greatest weapon against the enemy is love.

Making time for family meals

In the era of shows like Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, My Three Sons, and even The Brady Bunch, families almost always sat down to share a meal each day. By the time we hit The Simpsons or Modern Family, family meal time was a thing of the past. I will admit that in spite of choir practice, swim team, piano practice, and later, racquetball practice, there was something stable and grounding in family dinner.

The connection over a meal, even a few designated times per week, can build your family. It will help you head off any trouble in a lot of cases because you are engaging eyeball to eyeball for maybe 30 to 60 minutes. It’s a way to encourage dialogue in a broad array of topics, including school, friendships, current events, politics, success, society, and philosophy. It’s an enriching time for both parent, child, and siblings. While likely viewed as “old fashioned,” family meal time has a treasure trove of benefits to families.

Establishing traditions

The traditions of families are many of the most treasured and remembered moments, and this is true for both the parents and the children. The traditions can be anything as long as it’s something meaningful and it's done with enough regularity to establish a clear repeat pattern. I would like to share with you a few of my family favorites.

Establishing values in your children

The first steps to establishing values in your children is to define what values are important for the well-being of your child and what values you stand for in your life. If you could state what the top values or characteristics you feel that make one successful in life, what would they be?

A short while after Wesley was born, I asked myself the question, “What values, characteristics, or skills do I want to make sure that Wesley is taught or acquires in life?” For the next 15 minutes, I just brainstormed that question and wrote whatever popped into my head. I wrote a lot of what you probably would write if you asked yourself that same question: honesty, integrity, self-reliance, confidence, moral conviction, compassion, perseverance. My list continued for almost two pages. I then asked myself to categorize them based on a 1 to 5 score, with 5 being the top end of the scale, meaning, the attribute or skill was absolutely essential to success. In fact, my standard was that if this attribute were completely absent, his success was unlikely or severely hampered.

When I had completed my rudimentary ranking system, I asked myself one last question: If I was unable to instill and instruct all top-ranked attributes, was there one that was most important? This was extremely difficult, but after about 15 minutes of intense thinking, I settled on one, which is based on my belief system: the attribute of self-discipline. Now I'm not contending that this choice is right for every child or every parent. The reason why I selected self-discipline is because, in my view, it’s a foundational attribute of the successful.

If you acquire self-discipline, whatever skills or attributes you are missing are within arm’s reach because you know how to apply yourself.

Self-discipline is a tool that can be used effectively in both work and home life. It takes self-discipline to be successful in business, in relationships, and in conquering our failings in thought and action. In fact, self-discipline prevents us from falling into the traps we tend to encounter on the pathways of life. Ask the people who overspent and lived beyond their means if self-discipline would have made a difference. Ask the people whose lives are torn apart by betrayal because their spouse lacked self-discipline to honor the fidelity commitment in their marriage.

Teaching the power of actions over words

Our children learn the lessons of life much more quickly from video than audio, and they are closely watching the video of our lives as parents. They hear the audio, but what they observe is whether the video and audio are in sync. In other words, they notice when words don't match actions. For example, you can say that you act in an honest manner in your family, but when you go to a restaurant and claim that your 13-year-old is 12 in order to eat more cheaply from the kid's menu, what your video makes clear is that you are not honest as long as you don’t get caught or it saves you money. Is that the lesson you want your kids to learn?

Teaching the fundamentals of a pleasing personality

Teaching kids the foundation of respect for others is vitally important. They need to understand some basic fundamentals:

• Shaking someone’s hand properly when you meet
• Looking someone in the eye when you are communicating directly with them
• Giving someone your undivided attention when they are speaking to you
• Resisting the urge check your phone when other people expect your attention

Smiling, making eye contract, and giving a proper handshake will go a long way in establishing a pleasing personality, especially when meeting someone new. Being kind, courteous, cheerful, and nice will enable you to go anywhere and be accepted. The ability to be friendly and inviting in your personality to everyone you encounter will open up doors of opportunity in life. All children want to be accepted by their peers, and a positive attitude makes anyone more pleasing to the people around them.

Teaching responsibility and discipline

Our society has a huge need for people who are able to apply responsibility and discipline.

Being responsible for one’s self and one’s stuff needs to be taught at an early age. It starts with our children learning and understanding that there is a place for everything, and everything has its rightful place. Being responsible means having a system or process that you repeat so that don't misplace things and you get your chores done. What gets opened gets closed. What we are done using gets put back exactly how we found it. It's basic stuff, but we all know kids and even adults who can't manage these simple routines in life.

The error we make as parents is that we don't take the stance that our children need to own the consequences of lack of responsibility.

When Wesley calls panicked because he left his homework at home for science class next period, he is out of luck if he thinks we are dropping everything to bring it to him. He usually elevates the consequences, hoping that he will gain the upper hand, by stating, “I will fail science if I don’t hand this assignment in on time.” The correct answer is, “It’s unfortunate that you will be failing. It is your responsibility to complete and hand in on time all homework." As a parent, allowing your kids to suffer the consequences of their actions is your mandate.

Wesley has been in this situation numerous times. I wish I can say we handled it every time like I just described. Joan and I take responsibility for not doing it right often enough in his life. His level of personal responsibility and ownership is too low and not fully developed in the manner it should be. That has been our error.

Setting goals and benchmarks with your kids

Our kids need to understand the importance of goals at the earliest age possible. We can give them simple household chores, set up as goals, to help them develop the habit of successfully achieving goals. As they advance in age, the goals of completed chores can have deadlines or schedules as well, so they have to not only complete the task but also do it on time.

Kids who have goals, plans, and key objectives, especially in their tween and teen years, are far less likely to fall into a destructive pattern of behavior. They are more likely to hang around a positive group of friends. Because of they achieve goals and have self-discipline, they are less likely to be involved with drugs, sex, alcohol, shoplifting, and other rebellious behaviors. When you have goals, a primary aim, and high expectations for yourself, you are less likely to feel pressured by peers to participate in negative behavior.

It’s never too early to encourage the habit of goal setting and goal achievement. Soon after kids start going to school, they begin to imagine the careers they'll want as adults — usually exciting professions life firefighter, astronaut, singer, dancer, and so forth. While it would be rare for your child to have in adulthood the career they desired as a first grader, there are exceptions.

In my case, I wasn't thinking about or pursuing a career as an author from a young age. I had a desire to be an athlete and play racquetball professionally. I managed to accomplish that goal. I was not a big name in the sport but won a number of significant professional tournaments. I earned enough prize money to keep me on tour for a few years. If your children are dreaming big at a young age, you might want to show them Chapters 4 and 5 on motivation and goals. They might be ready.

Helping your kids avoid life’s dangers

The world is full of countless dangers lurking to snatch away life, innocence, dreams, minds, and relationships from our kids. They are faced with the dangers are drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sex, pornography, teen pregnancy, and sex trafficking. Experts agree that children who have open and regular communication with their parents, attend worship services regularly, and engage in extracurricular activities (drama, music, dance, art, sports) have a lower chance of being involved with drugs.

Discovering what’s important to them

Many older people slow down in their day-to-day lives. They invest a lot of time in reminiscing about the past. They relive their family and friends in different stages of their lives. They remember when they were more healthy, vibrant, strong, and beautiful, when they could physically do things their body no longer allows. Growing older isn’t for the weak-minded or wimps.

Engage your parents in conversation. What are their values? What experiences in life were most meaningful? What did they do when faced with disappointment and challenge? How did they overcome the lows? How did they celebrate their highs?

Slowing down to gather their wisdom and life experiences will insure that their life wisdom will be captured for future generations.

Getting to know their formative years

Our parents tend to reveal stories periodically from the past. At just the right moment, they will break out the old yarn that they had to walk to school in two feet of snow and that it was uphill both ways. I have had a difficult time dressing up my “get to school” story since my bus stop was at the edge of our property, and school was less than a ten-minute ride away.

Sitting down with parents to talk with them about their childhood honors them. You will gain a clear perspective of how much the world has changed, and you'll learn what shaped or motivated your parents.

When I sat down recently with my father, he related some stories that I hadn't heard before. I had no idea of the harsh and squalid living conditions he endured in his early years living in a coal miners’ camp in North Dakota. He, his parents, and three sisters barely had a roof over their heads and no floor, other than dirt. They certainly didn’t have running water or toilets. Learning of my father's past increased my respect for him because he climbed out of these early life conditions to become highly educated and successful. He was a dentist, land developer, property renovator, and investor. Now in his late 80s, he's a gentleman farmer.

Being there when they need you

It’s an honor to serve your parents in their time of need. It's a way to work to rebalance the debt we all have to them. I'm not talking about financial debt but the debt of love, service, and devotion. We owe our parents for raising us. When our parents are in need, it’s our obligation as children to support and uplift them.

When my mother died after her long battle with MS, Joan and I spent large amounts of our time with my father, and Joan stepped up as a daughter. She and my father have a special relationship; she has never been a daughter-in-law, just a daughter, and she treated my parents as her parents. It’s truly a testament that I married up in life. My father was capable of taking care of himself, but I know he did appreciate the extra attention and companionship that was provided by Joan and myself. He was as anyone would be after 50 years of marriage missing his wife. I think what brought him and me comfort was knowing my mom was in heaven and that she was in a new body. That her broken down, poorly functioning earth-suit was replaced with a more glorious heavenly suit for eternity. Her pain and suffering in that earth-suit were over. That didn’t remove the emotions of missing her, but it did help.

When Joan’s stepmother passed away a few years ago, she knew her father needed her. He was unable to take care of himself due to extensive health issues that her stepmom had handled. In the weeks after her death, Joan was staying with him a few nights and days per week even though he lived more than five hours from our home in Bend, Oregon. She found him a clean, friendly, and well-kept assisted living facility. Then she proceeded to set up his room with a new bed, chairs, and family photos so that he felt welcome. She visited him at least once week until he passed away over a year after her stepmother’s death. She demonstrated to our children how to follow the commandment, honor your father and mother.

Putting praise in writing

Any parent knows they have made countless mistakes with their children: the times you made the wrong decision, or you were too hard on them, or you didn’t give them enough encouragement, or you assumed they did something bad but they actually didn’t. One of the best ways to value and edify your parents is to do so in writing, and that can take the form of a journal you give them, just simple note cards, or a letter or a postcard from a trip you took. You can certainly send an e-mail with your feelings and appreciation expressed in it.

A phone call is good, but it’s not as permanent as a letter or note. You can’t tack a phone call on the bulletin board or put it on the mantel. It’s hard to show it to friends or even review it later. I remember helping my mother one time clean out a closet in my late 20s. She had numerous athletic shoe boxes stacked in the closet. She had kept every letter that her children had ever written her. I must admit that my brother Kurt had the lion’s share of those shoe boxes, but I had one or two. That moment was a great illustration of the value of a note or letter that comes in the mail to a parent or loved one.

Crafting a tribute

One of the most powerful experiences I have had personally has been crafting a tribute to my father. I was just introduced to this concept in reading the book by Dennis Rainey called The Tribute: What Every Parent Longs to Hear. In his book, Dennis describes the inner longing of parents to know that their children feel they did okay or even well as a parent, that they didn’t screw up their kids too much. Parents need validation that their lifetime of hopes, dreams, and worries were all worth it.

I wrote a tribute to my father about six months before I started this book. It was a difficult and wonderful journey as I thought about events of my life, lessons he taught me, ceremonies, and milestones. After a few weeks of crafting and editing, I was weeping with humility and gratitude. As I am writing about it now, the emotions of gratitude for his investment in my life are swelling within me.

The crafting of a tribute to my father was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I titled the document “The Sentinel” because of his always watchful eye of protection and security for our family. It is being printed on fine paper and framed so that I can present it to him the next time I see him. I am sure it will be an emotionally meaningful experience for us both that we will never forget.