11
The Law of Patience
“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else.”
—George Savile, seventeenth-century statesman
More than a year ago, I received an e-mail from Aaron, the director of learning and development initiatives at a media company. He was looking for someone to conduct a series of training seminars, and one of my former NYU students had recommended me to him. After briefing me on what he wanted, I put together a proposal and sent it to him. Then his agenda changed. We brainstormed more possibilities and I prepared another proposal, but the department still wasn’t ready to green-light the program. I continued checking in with him from time to time and told him to consider me a resource, which he did. He reached out to me frequently with questions about training companies, other independent trainers, topics, pricing, and industry resources. I provided him with suggestions and recommended training companies that covered topics my business, Executive Essentials, did not. Every time he had a thought for a new training direction, I was on his list of people to get a proposal from.
After drafting my third proposal for services and still not signing a contract, I was at the point where many people would have written off the client. To be honest, I really didn’t think Aaron’s company would ever become one of my clients. But that didn’t stop me from quickly responding to his questions. With patience, no expectations, and a continued desire to build the relationship and help as I could, I became his go-to person in many situations. Once he queried me about a vendor he was vetting, but I wasn’t familiar with this business, so I sent out the vendor name to my network and shared with him the feedback I received.
Six proposals and more than twelve months later, I got another proposal request from him. And this time I landed the job. In this case, the seventh time was the charm.
They say that patience is a virtue. This might be naturally true for some people, but it certainly isn’t true for me. Being patient is difficult for me, but it also yields incredible value. The benefits of patience come back to you in so many ways. That is why the subject of patience is the culminating chapter of this book.
Some of you reading the story about Aaron may have been thinking, “Forget it, I would have given up on that potential client long ago; life is too short to put forth so much effort for free.” And it would have seemed reasonable, given the situation, to discontinue the relationship and cut my losses. If I had, though, I never would have landed a client with whom I now work regularly.
In the end, you have to do what feels right for you. I am not a Pollyanna who believes that everyone is nice and has good intentions, but I do believe that most people have good intentions, and I choose to believe the best about people until they give me reasons not to. As you read this chapter, leave behind any tendencies toward impatience, jumping to conclusions, or assuming negative interpretations of a situation, even if only for the duration of the chapter. It is often easier to shut down or turn away and give in to impatience because it requires less effort than being patient, but it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you may limit yourself as a result.
Give It Time, Things Happen
Early on in life I learned the saying “quid pro quo”—one thing in return for another—and for the first part of my career I tried to live by that guideline. If someone did something for me, I understood there was an expectation that the favor would be returned. I thought I was living by a standard of equality, and it not only made sense to me, it seemed fair. It took me a while to realize that not everyone lived by this code of fairness. I found myself wondering when my good deeds and kind gestures would be returned.
I remember one colleague, Todd, who had asked for a few favors when we first started working together, and I’d happily done them. Soon, though, I realized that it was a one-way street with him. I started feeling annoyed by him, and treating him with a bit of an attitude. I even started to avoid him because I got tense whenever I was around him. He had no idea why I was acting that way toward him, and at the time I wasn’t self-aware enough to recognize the reasons for my behavior, either.
When I think back on the situation now, I can see that I felt slighted, and interpreted his lack of reciprocity as him taking advantage of me. My impatience and my expectations got in the way, and our work relationship deteriorated. During my exit interview with that company, I learned that Todd had given his manager a glowing recommendation about me. Knowing that I wanted to work on a project involving his manager’s client, Todd put in a good word for me—I just never knew. I wonder what may have been different in my career and in my relationship with Todd if I hadn’t constantly been thinking, “Where’s mine?”
What I have learned is to let go of expectations. I don’t mean to say that “if you don’t have expectations, you can’t be disappointed.” Not at all. Getting rid of expectations isn’t about flattening your experience so that you are never disappointed; rather, it’s about freeing your mind of the burden of waiting for the expectations to be fulfilled. You have enough to think about, so take expectations off your list. Patience produces results. This is the essence of the law of patience: Give it time, things happen. Your results may not be exactly what you expect, and they may not happen when you expect them. In fact, you may not even be aware of the results at all, as I learned with Todd.
It Comes Back to You
I could have called this chapter “What Goes Around, Comes Around,” because I believe that if you act selflessly in your relationships, if you make it about the other person and not about yourself, good things will come of those actions. Sometimes the fruits of your interactions appear quickly, as when a conversation turns into a contact that turns into a job. Other times a benefit may show up unexpectedly, years in the future. And to be honest, sometimes nothing at all happens, and that’s all right, too.
In Chapter 9, I told you about Mark. He’s a master at keeping his name in people’s minds. He regularly holds intimate luncheons at which a diverse array of people mix, including many journalists and media professionals. The lunches are one of Mark’s ways of giving back: By connecting all these people who have been important in his professional journey, he creates opportunities for them to build meaningful working relationships with one another. And he found that soon after he started hosting the lunches, not only did the people in his professional circle start forming strong connections with one another, but the impact of the connections had a rippling effect. Even he was on the receiving end one time when a reporter he didn’t already know called with an interview request. It seems that Mark had been pointed out to this reporter by one of his media colleagues.
Here’s one of my favorite examples of how “it comes back to you” has played out in my life. It’s a story about my colleague Randi, whom I met five years ago while coaching students at NYU. She was a coach, too, and had a great energy. We exchanged our background information, and when Randi learned about one particular project I was working on, she quite boldly asked if I would help her get in touch with that client. I must admit I was a little surprised at her forwardness, but I kept in mind my rules: Always have the conversation, stay open and curious, and do because you can. I am always eager to help, but I am also careful to ensure that when I make an introduction it’s beneficial to both parties. Introductions are an extension of your reputation. By introducing someone, you are extending your confidence in the person as being worth knowing. Since I didn’t really know Randi yet, I wasn’t sure how I felt about connecting her with one of my contacts so quickly. I responded, “I’m happy to talk more and get to know you and see how I might be able to help.”
Soon after that Randi and I had lunch, and I learned that she had actually done work for the client in the past, but had lost her contacts because of turnover at the company. At the end of lunch I said to her, “Since I’ve never seen your work, I am not able to give a testimonial about it, but here’s what I can do. I’m happy to connect you with the right person, let them know you have done work for them in the past, fill them in about how you and I know one another, and then you can take it from there.” Randi seemed completely happy with the suggestion.
After that, she regularly e-mailed me with updates about her communication with the client, and we continued to get to know each other. I invited her to join the networking group I’d founded and she became an active participant. At one of the meetings she ran over to me, eager to thank me. “For what?” I asked her, utterly confused. She told me excitedly that the client had just hired her for a large project. Even though I had only had a small hand in the accomplishment, she attributed it fully to me. I was of course thrilled that it had worked out for her, and then didn’t really give it another thought.
Four years later I was putting together a program on an extremely tight deadline and needed some quick help with the material. I put out a frantic call to the members of my networking group, which Randi was still a part of. Randi replied to my call for help within minutes. She knew a lot about the topic and was even willing to rearrange her schedule to talk with me. She sent me a bunch of articles, brought me a book when we met, and gave me a ton of good advice. It was a fifteen-minute conversation over coffee, and I got hours of value out of it. And that’s the law of patience in action. I never said, hinted, or even thought “You owe me” when I’d put Randi in touch with the client all those years ago, and I don’t think that at the time she thought, “I owe her.” But when she could give, she did.
I have countless stories about how the law of giving has given back to me over time. Perhaps one of the most striking was when I was contacted by a man named Zeke who worked at a hedge fund and was looking for someone to conduct training sessions for the fund’s directors. When I asked him who had referred him to me, he revealed that he had actually gotten my name from an HR forum and couldn’t remember the name of the person who posted the comment. We went on to do a huge amount of work together. To this day, I have no idea whom to thank for getting me one of my largest clients ever. I did know whom to thank when I got calls from the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Jazz at Lincoln Center. It turned out that Marge, the woman with whom I’d worked at another high-profile museum, and with whom I’d bonded because of our sons’ medical conditions, had recommended me immediately when training colleagues at these two cultural institutions asked her for recommendations—even though I’d never asked her for references or leads.
The law of patience is never far from my mind. You never know when things will happen, but with patience they do happen.
Or It Goes to Someone Else
If there is still a part of you that can’t let go of the quid pro quo concept, think of the law of patience as an extension of the “pay it forward” idea. Sometimes, your giving is repaid not to you but passed on to someone else. You do something for someone, and the recipient of your kindness in turn shows a kindness to someone else.
I am still awestruck by the generosity of Amy, the woman who gave me so much wisdom about launching my business after I met her at the Columbia Women in Business conference. We didn’t even have that much follow-up contact after our initial meeting—a very productive lunch and some phone calls and e-mails now and again—but her willingness to help me so freely had a powerful effect on me. For years afterward I channeled that spirit, giving back to other entrepreneurs who were just starting out. I spoke to student-entrepreneur groups at universities, arranged for phone conversations, and probably met with more than 100 people over the course of five years. Amy never knew that she was the one who inspired me to give in this way, and she had no expectations that her generosity would be repaid.
Amy was the first of many people who so willingly gave their time to advise me, assist me, and teach me as I was growing my business. Their generous gifts have rebounded to the benefit of others as I have consistently given my time, advice, and assistance to those around me. You may not know how your giving has inspired or positively influenced others, but have faith. The goodness you put out in the world multiplies.
You’ll Get Your Chance
Even though I was profoundly influenced by Amy’s generous spirit, I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to repay her directly for all that she’d done for me. Yet I had been thinking about her a lot as I was writing the final section of the book when, completely out of the blue one day, I ran into her! I couldn’t believe it. I was sitting at a café with a friend when a woman I didn’t immediately recognize stopped by the table to say hello to my friend. When my friend introduced us, we quickly figured out how we already knew each other.
It was poetic running into her—this woman who had unwittingly played such a pivotal role in my career—at that precise moment. “I just wrote about you!” I blurted out excitedly. When Amy looked at me in confusion, I explained the law of giving to her. She matter-of-factly stated that she had the exact same attitude about giving, and threw up her hands in a “whatever happens” gesture, explaining that she did things without ever expecting that she would get anything in return.
Even after our other friend left, Amy and I continued chatting like childhood friends for more than an hour. We picked up right where we’d left off, trying to catch up on the dozens of things that had been going on in each of our lives. She told me that she had just applied for a job. It happened to be with an organization that I’d worked with for years. Finally, finally, there was something I could do for her. We set up a lunch date to discuss all the ways we might help each other and even work together.
As soon as I got home I called the director of the organization to learn more about the position Amy was applying for, and then I submitted a written recommendation of her. I also sent her a link to other open positions she was qualified for at the organization.
Once you start fully living the law of giving, you will find that you are eager to do kindnesses for people who do them for you. But the law of patience isn’t just about trusting that the good things you do will positively impact you or others; it’s about trusting that you will have the chance to give back for the generosity you’ve been shown. When you can’t yet give back directly for help you’ve received, pay it forward. And trust that you may well get your chance to directly help the people who have selflessly helped you.
When you can’t give back right away, sometimes the opportunity you do eventually receive to give back is even bigger and better than you may have thought possible. Since reconnecting with Amy, I’ve been able to make introductions for her and give her references that have helped her land work with two major organizations. I have also been able to mentor her (though I can hardly believe it!) about pricing and client selection.
Be patient. The ways you can give may not be immediately obvious, but you will get your chance.
Friendships Grow in Time
Throughout this book we’ve looked at building relationships. The truth of it is that you won’t want to build relationships with every single person you meet, and that is okay. There’s no need to burn bridges with those people. You can simply choose not to pursue the relationships. But remember too that friendships can take time to grow.
We all have that childhood friend we love, but we know that if we met that person for the first time today we probably wouldn’t be friends. This plays itself out in our adult lives too, and we need to remember that sometimes it pays to be patient.
For me, my relationship with my sister, April, is one of the strongest examples of the principle that friendships grow with time. Even though we’re siblings, we couldn’t be more different. She has tremendous innate skill as a designer, putting together colors, textures, materials, and patterns, and she has singlehandedly redesigned entire rooms in her house, to stunning effect. I have none of these gifts, and when I was decorating my own house I relied on her expertise every step of the way. I excel at more traditionally academic, less artistic fields, so when April is sending a critical communication, she runs it by me first for feedback on language, content, messaging, and tone. She tends to be a bit messy. I’m meticulously organized. She loves and follows fashion, which I’ve never had a strong passion for. I love adventure, scary rides, and roughing it—three things that she more than happily lives without. Our natural skills and abilities are diametrically opposite in almost every instance, and yet she unfailingly knows what and how I think almost as well as I do, and we constantly rely on one another’s unique strengths and gifts.
Time and shared experiences are key ingredients to creating bonds that last. I first met Gabby when I was still working on Wall Street. We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we would click. We’d both gone to the same business school, and we were building our own businesses in the same field. With all that to talk about, I anticipated becoming fast friends.
She came to my office for an hour-long conversation, but when she left I felt oddly let down. Nothing clicked. There was no bonding as if we’d known one another forever because of all our similarities. Our talk was interesting, but I was left feeling neutral. I hadn’t yet learned to let go of my expectations around people as well.
Since there was so much overlap in our interests and potential for collaboration, we planned a follow-up meeting. It was on my way to this second appointment that my mother’s advice to me as a teenager came to mind. She used to say, “Give a guy three dates. If the first one isn’t going well, you are having a bad day. If the second one isn’t going well, he is having a bad day. If the third date doesn’t go well, then you know you gave it a chance.”
After the second meeting with Gabby I still saw the professional potential in our relationship but didn’t think about it much beyond that. We continued pursuing some common projects, and almost imperceptibly began to blur the line between business and friendship. I don’t know how many times Gabby and I got together before I started to think of her as a friend. Certainly it was more than my mother’s magic “three.” But she is now one of my most valued friends, and has been for years. If I hadn’t been patient and remained open to the possibility that our relationship could grow, I would have missed out not only on a great business associate but also a wonderful friend.
I also would have missed out on a valuable lesson about building solid relationships with people who are different from me. Sometimes those can wind up being the strongest bonds, since we have to give them the time and room to develop. For all the outward similarities Gabby and I had, it turned out that we had quite different styles. She is an introvert with quiet confidence; when she thinks, she does it in silence. I am an extrovert and a processor, and I think about something by talking through it out loud. While getting to know Gabby, I had to adjust my style so that I didn’t come on too strong or push for a closeness that neither of us were authentically feeling right off the bat.
When you are impatient with a relationship, your actions can be read as pushy or needy—not exactly likable qualities. Truly lasting friendships are rarely instantaneous. Give them time and room to grow. Now when I meet someone new, I look for the ways we may connect and the things we might build a relationship on, and I find humor in what makes us different. Having acquaintances is great, but I always remind myself that they might turn into relationships somewhere down the road. Stay open to the possibilities inherent in connection, and always have the conversation.
Be Patient
As I was writing this book I attended a conference and ran into Cheryl, another colleague of mine. We regularly cross paths, but this time, as we were talking with a few other people, she said, “Michelle is a terrific networker.” Then she looked at me and asked, “It comes back to you, right?” I looked at her curiously, thinking about the question, and said, “It goes somewhere. I don’t really keep track. Sometimes, if you give to someone, they give to someone else, and that’s fine with me. I am happy as long as it keeps going. I don’t keep a scorecard.”
Patience is the culminating chapter of this book because it’s needed to embrace the other laws. We must have patience with ourselves and with others—patience to find the similarities, build the relationship, establish trust, and create familiarity. Having patience means choosing to do something without expecting to get something back. It means doing it because you can and because you want to. Being patient means knowing and trusting that somewhere in the universe, some person or some good cause is benefiting from the way you have lived the laws of likability.