CHAPTER 5

Conversation Skills

“A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

—Lisa Kirk

WHAT IS CONVERSATION?

The art of conversation is an essential interpersonal skill that helps build a pleasing personality. Effective conversation helps in getting friendly cooperation in social and professional situations. Conversation involves speaking and listening in a sequence. It is an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, and ideas. The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English defines conversation in the social context, which is the ordinary context of everyday life, as ‘an informal talk in which people exchange views, feelings and thoughts’. The Merriam- Webster Dictionary defines conversation in the professional context as ‘an informal discussion of an issue by representatives of governments, institutions or groups’.

What distinguishes ordinary conversation from other forms of oral communication such as debates, public speaking, negotiations, or business discussions, is its informality, in the sense that it is relaxed and friendly without being restricted by the rules of formal behaviour. Conversation, in general, is spontaneous, friendly, and casual. The use of direct, informal, and commonly used phrases constitutes the conversational style.

 

1
Know the meaning and social purpose of conversation.

SOCIAL CONVERSATION

Social conversation, also known as chit-chat or small talk, attempts to establish a sociable atmosphere. At a tea-party or social gathering, the conversation reveals feelings of togetherness, rather than communicating ideas or any specific meaning. Words are used in symbolic ways, as verbal social gestures. This social use of words is known as phatic communion.

 

2
Learn how to break the ice and start conversations.

The words and phrases used in phatic communion such as ‘It was a pleasure meeting you’, ‘Do come again’, or ‘How is your family’? can be best described as expressions of togetherness and camaraderie and an indication of the speaker’s culture and sensibility as a social being. Hayakawa points out that it is regarded as a social error not to say these things, even if the speaker does not mean them, and that it is completely impossible for us in society to talk only when we ‘have something to say’¹. According to Hayakawa, ‘the togetherness of the talking is the most important element in social conversation; the subject matter is only secondary’.

Greetings and farewells, such as ‘Good morning’, used to greet someone in the morning; ‘Take care’, used to wish good luck while parting; or ‘How do you do’?, used when being introduced to someone, do not carry literal meaning and are phatic in nature. According to Bronislaw Malinowski², phatic communion is a type of speech in which ties of union are created by a mere exchange of words. The words fulfil a social function and ‘that is their principal aim, but they are neither the result of intellectual reflection, nor do they necessarily arouse reflection in the listener’. The Oxford English Dictionary explains phatic communion by saying, ‘they [the words] are used to convey general sociability rather than to communicate a specific meaning; for example, Nice morning isn’t it’? Similarly, the phrase ‘How are you’? is not a question about the listener’s state of health, and ‘Take care’ is not a warning against danger. Phatic utterances are used to break silence. Their purpose is to initiate conversation. This type of conversation does not aim at discussing an idea that may provoke disagreement. Instead, the conversation is usually about some common, shared feeling that can be instantly appreciated, such as appreciation of fine weather or natural beauty. Fuller communication can grow from small, ice-breaking remarks made upon making someone’s acquaintance.

 

Exhibit 5.1 illustrates how small talk and informal, friendly conversation about unimportant subjects creates a relaxed atmosphere for discussing business.

Social conversation in the form of chit-chat, small talk, or phatic communion is not bound by any rigid order or sequence of subject matter. Its order and nature depends on the extent of both parties’ desire to establish a relationship. People who are drawn to each other talk with the goal of reaching a stage where they have a better understanding and exchange of ideas. This is achieved by avoiding subjects that would lead to disagreements. With each point of agreement, no matter how commonplace or obvious, doubt and suspicion of the new acquaintance wear away and the possibility of friendship increases. And finally, when more intimate conversation reveals common tastes, opinions, and views, friendship replaces misgivings and communication in the real sense is made possible. Thus, social conversation is psychologically structured, beginning in casual chit-chat and developing into genuine communication expressive of friendship and cooperation. Exhibit 5.2 shows how one can make small talk and break the ice.

 

Exhibit 5.1
How Small Talk Facilitates Business Conversations

Exhibit 5.2
Tips for Successful Small Talk

In their daily interactions, people are constantly involved in the exchange of facts and opinions. In these conversations, it is important to avoid what is known as the binary mode and adopt a multi-valued approach. Sometimes, people tend to present facts and opinions in a binary manner, in which they try to prove that what they are saying is correct and what the other person has to say is totally wrong. This view tends to antagonize both participants and can lead to arguments. In some conversations, there may be a visible attempt at what Stephen Potter calls ‘one-upmanship’—an attempt to make oneself seem better than other people. A valuable part of a conversation is wasted when the participants want to prove that they are correct; instead, they should use the opportunity more profitably to exchange facts and opinions.

Rational human beings should follow what Karl R. Popper says, ‘Faith in reason is not only a faith in our own reason but also and even more in that of others. Rationalism is therefore bound up with the idea that the other fellow has a right to be heard and to defend his arguments’. According to this view, no person is wholly wrong even if we do not accept him or her as correct. Rationally speaking, reality cannot be truly categorized into an ‘either–or’ system of thinking. Reality is not simply right or wrong, or good or bad. This perception is further refined when truth is viewed in terms of a scale of values, such as 0 to 5 or 0 to 100. To value reality as 0 and 1 is to miss the vast design of reality that consists of numerous shades, not just black and white. Conversation should be inspired by the multiple possibilities of truth/reality and be characterized by tolerance and positivity.

EffECTIVE CONVERSATION

Humans begin conversing from the time we begin to prattle as children. From infancy, we develop the basic tool of conversation that is language. Gradually we become familiar with complex uses of language suited to our purpose: to inform and to persuade. However, even though we naturally pick up the ability to converse, we may lack the skills of a good conversationalist, which include knowing how to speak as well listen. Conversation is not a monologue, it’s a dialogue. Good conversation is characterized by the following features:

 

1. It has natural directness and spontaneity.
2. It is live in the sense that it takes place face-to-face, and the participants can see and hear each other at the same time. The live presentation of conversation is enriched and made effective with the added power of body language—a great source of communicative effectiveness.
3. It is sensitive and flexible in that it can change quickly according to the participants’ reactions.

These characteristics are clearly illustrated in Communication Snapshot 5.1, which is a conversation between Catherine and Linton in Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights.

CONVERSATION CONTROL

Conversation control refers to the skills of listening and talking in a positive and meaningful way at an appropriate time. It calls upon the ability to listen with concentration and respond well. It includes:

 

• the techniques of changing the direction of conversation smoothly, and
• the ability to allow a discussion to develop along key issues in an uninterrupted way towards the desired end.

3
Comprehend conversation control and its applications.

Broadly speaking, conversation control helps the participants conclude and conclude their conversation (dialogue/discussion) effectively and satisfactorily with mutual understanding and agreement.

In business, the following situations require the application of conversation control skills:

• Selling and buying
• Negotiating
• Interviewing
• Participating in meetings
• Disagreeing without being rude
• Protesting without offending
• Complimenting/praising
• Responding to personal criticism

How an individual listens and talks in such situations shows the extent to which he or she is able to exercise conversation control. Charles J. Margerison in The Art of Effective Communication points out, ‘Conversation control does not mean that you can control someone’s conversation. What it does mean is that with practice you can control your own conversation, and in time be able to influence others and encourage them to respond in a positive and relevant way’.³

The following are situations where effective conversation skills are useful:

• Interacting with people in meetings in a convincing way
• Handling objections to a proposal
• Being able to react to criticism in a confident manner
• Developing skills in interviewing
• Learning how to get correct information quickly

Controlling the Direction of Conversation

All conversations contain facts and opinions. The real purpose of conversation is to exchange feelings and facts. In positive situations, where the facts and opinions being discussed converge, the conversation is smooth and both the parties are in relative accord with each other. In such situations, agreement is not difficult to reach because there is not much divergence of opinion between the two parties involved. The real problem is when one participant finds that the conversation is directed against him or her and there is a distortion of facts. This distortion could be deliberate or it could be a misunderstanding in which a fact is unknowingly changed into an adverse opinion. The skill of the conversationalist lies in realizing the reasons for divergence, tensions, and complications. Empathy and real understanding help disentangle the conflict between opinion and fact. A skillful conversationalist is always able to separate facts from opinions to his or her advantage.

There are three possible directions a conversation can take. It can move against you, towards you, or away from you. The other person could disagree with you and wholly reject your viewpoint (i.e., the conversation moves against you) or he or she could agree with you and support your statement (i.e., the conversation moves towards you). He or she could also, without rejecting what you say, suggest changes before accepting your statement (i.e., the conversation moves away from you). A skilled conversationalist knows in which direction the conversation is moving. In The Art of Effective Communication, Charles J. Margerison suggests assessing the other person’s reactions on the conversation direction chart shown in Exhibit 5.3.

Managing Negative Responses

Disagreement and rejection tend to disturb a person’s cool. When this happens, it is important to be patient and try to persuade the other party of your argument by showing an understanding of their viewpoint and by responding to the specific reasons for disagreement or rejection. To some extent, a negative response shows a failure to convince the other person of the validity, soundness, or correctness of one’s idea or proposal. Do not attribute rejection or disagreement to deliberate or personal reasons on the part of the disagreeing person. With a positive mind, tackle negative responses as follows:

• Show that you do not doubt the positive intentions of the other person.
• Use expressions such as ‘You are right about that, but…’. Avoid completely rejecting the other person’s arguments.
• Do not use negative expressions. Instead of saying ‘Perhaps you do not know…’ try ‘Perhaps, you know…’. Using ‘perhaps’ suggests possibility but not certainty.
• When the signs and cues of doubt, disagreement, or rejection become obvious, pause and summarize whatever has been discussed so far and ask the other person whether the summary is correct. Their acceptance of the summary is the first act of agreement.
• Use this psychological breakthrough for further agreement by asking what should be done next. This changes the response into a potential agreement.
• Assure the other person that you share their concerns and would keep their concerns in mind. Also elaborate on how you would meet their concerns.
• Finally, never get desperate, frustrated, or angry when confronted with rejection and disagreement. Emotional reactions affect your ability to convince logically.

Exhibit 5.3
The Direction of Conversation

Noticing and Recognizing Cues and Clues

Conversation consists of words as well as non-verbal gestures, and it communicates both stated and implied messages. Words communicate the stated message, while non-verbal signs and signals communicate the implied message. Cues and clues together with signs and signals point out what is important and what is not. A cue is a keyword or phrase a speaker uses when he or she wants to indicate that something is important to him or her. A clue is a word or a set of words that someone else says to us. Persons skilled in the art of conversation quickly recognize cues and clues and know what is of importance to the other party and could be the direction and basis of further conversation or discussion.

 

In written messages, the writer can draw the reader’s attention by highlighting important words, phrases, and sentences by underlining, italicizing, or marking with a coloured lighter or by using qualifiers or modifiers—words such as very, too, essential, and so on, which indicate importance. In oral communication, the listener’s attention is focused by not only the choice of words but also by the tone of voice or other signals such as facial expressions, eye contact, body movements, and gestures. These signals constitute cues and clues that emphasize ideas.

 

Cues and clues flow to and from the speaker consciously or subconsciously. They highlight the parts of the message that the speaker emphasizes. There are always some key words in any conversation. These key words act as cues to others, drawing their attention to what is important. For instance, if someone says, ‘Let us discuss the teaching– learning function of the case-study method in management studies’, the key words are ‘teaching–learning function’ and ‘case-study method’. These words direct others to focus on the case-study method as a tool of teaching and learning.

Generally, people give the most important clues unconsciously, through what is called ‘leakage’, body talk that involves non-verbal signals comprising expressions, gestures, and postures. The success of meetings, discussions, lectures, or oral presentations depends on the participants picking up verbal cues and clues.

 

Unfortunately, it is common for one side to fail to pick up the cues given by the other party. Here is an example. The director of a college went to the university’s registrar to ask for permission to add a certain course to his college’s curriculum. To support his proposal, the director spoke at length highlighting the overall achievements of the college in terms of its infrastructure, growing student population, and consistently excellent results. He said to the registrar, ‘I want you to send a team to inspect our college and to recommend the opening of the new course’. The registrar replied, ‘But the university wants all colleges to improve their facilities and results, not just one college’. The director went on to defend the existing facilities and academic results of his college. However, the meeting failed because the registrar ignored the key words that the director had used to support his request. The director, meanwhile, got the clue that the registrar was not interested in his proposal for the new course. When the conversation ended, the director left the registrar’s office disappointed.

In this example, the key words used by the director were ‘to inspect’, ‘recommend’, and ‘the new course’. The registrar did not pay attention to these key words. The clues in the registrar’s response were the words ‘but’, ‘all colleges’, ‘improve’, ‘facilities and results’. These words indicate his priorities. What the registrar implied was that the university was not interested in adding further courses and its priority was an improvement in the quality of teaching and learning. But he communicated the priority of the university obliquely. The director’s proposal for starting a new course was, in fact, intended to increase the intake of students. However, the communication failed because he failed to provide cues about this or state the purpose directly.

In this example, the key words used by the director were ‘to inspect’, ‘recommend’, and ‘the new course’. The registrar did not pay attention to these key words. The clues in the registrar’s response were the words ‘but’, ‘all colleges’, ‘improve’, ‘facilities and results’. These words indicate his priorities. What the registrar implied was that the university was not interested in adding further courses and its priority was an improvement in the quality of teaching and learning. But he communicated the priority of the university obliquely. The director’s proposal for starting a new course was, in fact, intended to increase the intake of students. However, the communication failed because he failed to provide cues about this or state the purpose directly.

In real life, people often fail to express their thoughts directly and completely. It is for others to look for cues or clues to draw more information. Otherwise, the real intent may remain unstated. For example, consider a case where in a welfare meeting with workers, a manager was told by an employee: ‘I have been working under a lot of tension’. The manager replied, ‘Yes, we all have to work under tension. Targets have to be met’. This response suggests that the manager missed the clue underlying the word ‘tension’. The employee may not have been talking about tension at work. He may have been facing some serious personal problems, such as his spouse’s health or his child’s education. The manager should have instead asked him, ‘What kind of tension are you under’? This would have encouraged the employee to talk further about the nature of his problem. Instead of a skillful, controlled conversation, we have here a worker’s general statement about his tension, met with another general statement made by the manager in response. There is no attempt to draw out more information about the problem.

 

Let us see a case of skillful control of conversation. Film actor Dev Anand, a recipient of the Dada Saheb Phalke award, had a long TV interview. One of the questions the anchor asked Dev Anand was: ‘It is said that as a film director you always insisted on working with new faces’. Dev Anand at once shot back, ‘It is not a question of insisting. You should think deeply. It is a very different pleasure to encourage young talent to develop, to help them [new people] express themselves, to get established as celebrities. It is a creative joy. And I have always been creative in my choice of characters and my themes. I have always experimented, I have always enjoyed that’. You should think deeply. These words of Dev Anand’s are significant. The message lies in these words. In this case, the word ‘insisted’, used by the anchor, was important. Dev Anand caught the clue. He tackled the hidden meaning of the general statement (the allegation that he always ‘insisted’ on working with new faces) by bringing out his pursuit of creative joy as a film director and actor in moulding talented newcomers into accomplished actors.

We can identify clues during a conversation by taking note when people use the following types of expressions:

• When people use the first-person pronouns, ‘I’, ‘me’, and ‘my’, they are talking about themselves, the person of greatest importance to them.
• When people strongly qualify their statements with adjectives indicative of deep emotions or great enthusiasm, they give clues as to their state of mind. Watch out for words such as ‘pressured’, ‘concerned’, ‘angry’, ‘worried’, ‘annoyed’, ‘unhappy’, ‘disappointed’, or ‘enthusiastic’, ‘keen’, ‘excited’, and ‘inspired’. For example, when a person says he is under pressure to finish a task, he is giving a strong clue about action that needs to be taken within the shortest possible time.
• We should listen carefully when people use words that indicate that they are under pressure to act in a certain way. For example, when somebody makes a statement like the ones given here, it indicates that they are under pressure:
  • ‘The whole plan went wrong! There was so much confusion and such little time. I think I failed in my responsibility to organize the event’.
  • ‘I should have changed my strategy and approach, as I had planned to. The whole thing was a disaster’.
  • ‘I am determined not to let it happen again’.

  Here, the words ‘there was such little time’, ‘as I had planned to’ and ‘not to let it happen’ act as key words. The sentences show that the speaker is under pressure to act in a certain way.

• When someone uses words that suggest doubt and concern, it is a clue to the speaker’s personal problems. You can help the other person if you find out exactly what these issues are. By asking what he or she proposes to do or whom he or she is planning to consult, you can find out different ways of helping with the problem.
• Finally, listen and notice the natural pauses that people use after saying something important. It is at this point that you show the speaker that you have understood the key issues raised by him or her, by accurately and sympathetically talking on those issues. You can thus continue the conversation in a controlled way and convince the other person of your understanding of the real issues.

Interpreting Signs and Signals

Conversation is composed of verbal and visual indicators. Verbal indicators involve cues given and clues received. Visual indicators consist of signs given and signals received. Non-verbal messages flow through signs and signals. While in conversation, people unconsciously move their hands, eyes, head, legs, and other parts of the body or engage in other non-verbal behaviour, such as the frequent gulping of water. These non-verbal acts reflect the state of their minds. Body movements, gestures, and actions communicate in a visible manner what lies concealed in the mind.

 

Signs consist of visual indicators such as frowns, smiles, eye movements, and so on. Signals are behavioural indicators others give us. For example, drinking water every 10 to 15 minutes during a speech is a sign of thirst. However, to the audience it may also signal the speaker’s nervousness.

We will analyse gestures and expressions as modes of non-verbal communication in Chapter 7. Here, you should be able to identify from your own experiences those signals that encourage or discourage you during the course of communication. Also try to know which signs you habitually give to others when emphasizing important points.

Avoiding Parallel Conversation

People engage in conversations to explore something—such as facts, ideas, opinions, or solutions. This aim can be fulfilled by taking in an interest in what the other party says, especially at the beginning when the goal of the discussion is clearest. Both sides must seek further information on what is originally stated by asking questions and exploring the meaning of clues and non-verbal signals. But if both parties do not do so and just counter the original statement with another statement parallel to it, the conversation will not reach a satisfying resolution. Two parallel statements cannot meet and, therefore, cannot be linked together to resolve the issue or add more information on the original statement. In a situation of a series of parallel statements, there is no dialogue, but, instead, just statements shot at each other. There is no attempt to get to the meaning behind the words used by the other person.

 

4
Identify and avoid parallel conversations, while developing sequential ones.

Consider the following example of a meeting at a garment export company.

X: It is necessary that we increase our exports.

Y: I think it is most important for us to reduce our manpower immediately.

X: By increasing our exports we can build our brand image.

Y: By reducing the number of workers we can cut down our costs.

X: I always look to build our company image in a positive way by promoting its sales abroad.

Y: Cost reduction is the only way we can manage our company. And that can be done only by reducing the number of workers.

Here, X and Y are engaged in parallel conversation, where in each is trying to prove himself right and the other wrong. Neither is interested in exploring the true meaning of what is being said by the other person.

Practising Sequential Conversation

When two people converse in a skillfully controlled way, they do by making statements that are in sequence with each other’s statements. There is a logical link between the statements made by the two sides. The listener carefully receives what is being said and waits for the appropriate time to join in and state his or her position clearly. The listener carries forward the conversation in a connected and sequential manner. In this way, within a short time, ideas and thoughts are developed in a structured pattern.

Sequential conversation between two persons is always fruitful. But it is possible only when the other person attaches some value to what is said by the speaker. The listener can then reflect on what is said, know more about the important ideas in the speaker’s initial statement, and contribute to further exploration of the issue.

Using Reflection and Empathy

In verbal communication, the most important skill is to demonstrate a genuine interest in the other person. To do so, both participants should be able to pick up cues and reflect upon their meaning. For instance, suppose Anuj says to Bharat, ‘I am not sure if I am required here any longer’. If Bharat reflects on this initial statement, he would note an underlying frustration and a sense of rejection in Anuj’s words. To give Anuj a chance to express himself further, Bharat could say to Anuj, ‘You feel your contribution is not being recognized. What can be done to change this’? This would allow Anuj to explore his own feelings with greater clarity and understanding.

 

Reflecting on someone’s statement needs to be done most carefully. One must first understand the other person’s underlying feelings exactly and accurately. Then, one must demonstrate empathy and understanding when responding to the person. This includes the use of positive body language to support one’s words.

The purpose of reflecting on something is to help the other person understand his or her feelings with greater clarity and precision. Therefore, one may repeat the feelings expressed by the other person—this should be done objectively, without changing, adding, or altering their statements. One should not criticize or question their words.

 

One’s body language should show real interest in the other person. Thus, it is important to make eye contact, lean forward, and speak with genuine concern for the other person.

Cultivating a Sense of Timing

In oral communication, the speaker should always keep in mind the time taken to communicate. To be able to observe the time limit, the speaker should plan out his or her words judiciously to reach a properly evolved end. The listeners should not feel rushed through any part of the conversation or presentation. One’s pace of conversation or presentation should generally not exceed 110–120 words per minute. The speaker should not speak too quickly or gloss over explanations in order to reach the discussion of the solution. The analysis of the problem is equally important, and the speaker should not assume that the listeners are fully aware of the problem. Such an assumption affects both the pace and direction of the discussion. The other persons may feel uncomfortable and rushed, and may begin to lose interest and concentration. To be meaningful, conversation has to be lively and participative.

The speaker should have a sense of time while discussing something even in less formal situations. In different business situations, the speaker should remember the purpose of communicating with the listener. The listener should never be made to feel like a passive, captive audience. Meetings should be interactive and should have controlled transitions from issue to issue. In one-to-one conversations/discussions, the desire should not be to monopolize the conversation. On the other hand, passive listening generates disinterest and boredom. In the case of lectures, seminars, and presentations, the audience can be saved from boredom and monotony by introducing humourous anecdotes or illustrative cases.

 

Summarizing

In oral communication, especially conversation, it is necessary to convey an understanding of the other person’s point. You may agree or disagree, but the first requirement of skillful communication is that the other person has the assurance that you have understood the facts as presented.

Before expressing an opinion or responding to others’ opinions, you should be able to recognize, analyse, and evaluate what the other person has said. This will help you in comprehending facts in terms of their significance and importance for the other person. This understanding is a critical summary of the ideas expressed by the other person.

 

Summarizing is the best form of expressing comprehension. It is not just the repetition of what someone has said. To summarize is to pick out the central thought—the main theme or the essential idea—at the core of the whole argument. It is a most difficult exercise to do successfully, and it needs a lot of practice.

In written communication, we have the full text before us and can re-read it when required. First, we try to understand what the document is about. Next, we re-read closely to understand the logical relationship between ideas. Finally, we can see the central idea to which all other ideas are related as cause, effect, or illustration. The summary is the statement of understanding of the central idea and its relationship with other ideas.

In oral communication, summarizing involves recognizing the leading cues and clues during the course of communication and making them the basis of a considered response after appreciating and understanding the underlying sentiments. It is a process of mental abstraction of the most central idea in the argument. Summarizing is, thus, of great value and is the skill most needed for negotiating or solving a problem.

We have frequent examples of crises faced by people when they are ordered to complete an assigned task within too short a period of time. The worker may feel that it is impossible to complete the given task by the deadline. They have to then convince their supervisor that the deadline is unrealistic. If the supervisor remains adamant and insists that in business orders and deadlines must be respected, the communication would end on a note of frustration. The supervisor would have failed to exercise conversation control in such a case.

However, the situation would be different if the supervisor did understand the employee’s point of view and attempted to understand his or her problems and constraints. This would allow the supervisor to motivate the employee by helping him or her express their concerns. This may also give the supervisor the chance to state why the deadline must be met. One way to sum up the conversation is by telling the employee that his or her personal conditions are understandable, but the project in question is a top priority. Thus, by recognizing, appreciating, and understanding the concerns of the employee, the supervisor could successfully summarize the problem and resolve it.

All the skills of oral communication, whether they relate to the ability to speak personally, face-to-face, or at meetings, depend basically on the key skill of conversation control, which enables one to receive and understand the true meaning of the other person.

 

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS (TA)

Transactional analysis has of late become important for analysing, interpersonal communication and social behaviour. The tool of transactional analysis belongs to psychiatry. It was created by a Canadian psychiatrist Eric Berne Stein in 1950s. Berne relates interpersonal relationships and social behaviour of individuals to three ego states of the individuals involved in the act of communication. These three ego states are parent state, adult state, and child state. Berne believes that individuals act as victims of their dominant ego state present at the time of interaction. By investigating the interpersonal transactions, (communication) Berne seeks to help individuals to interact freely, and not act as victims of their ego states. They can contribute to pleasant, conflict-free social interactions when they are no more victims of unconscious, uncontrolled compulsions to exploit, that is to treat someone unfairly or be exploited.

 

5
Appreciate the role of the Transactional Analysis (TA) in interpersonal communication and resultant behaviour.

Ego states are the states of mind. They direct and control psychic functioning and social behaviour of all human beings. According to Eric Berne, an ego state is ‘a coherent system of feelings’, and ‘a set of coherent behaviour patterns’. And in actual practice an ego state is ‘a system of feelings which motivates a related set of behaviour patterns’. ⁴

Psychological Characteristics of Ego States

• The Parent: The parent ego state is an exact copy of the body movements, facial expressions and emotional attitudes and social behaviour of parental figures. The parent figure represents authority, control, desire to direct and the sense of concern and anxiety. Parent uses the language of command.
• The Adult: The adult ego state is manifested by a sense of objectivity and understanding of the outside world of reality and awareness of the thoughts and feelings of other people. Objectivity sense and reality characterize the maturity of adults.
• The Child: The child ego states are reflected as revival of fixated ego states from earliest years of one’s life. A child has its own organized view of the world and its own will and innocence.

The Three Aspects of Human Personality

These above discussed ego states compose the personality of all human beings. According to Berne, these ego states are real and well organized patterns of feelings, attitudes, and behavioural patterns of actual child, adult, and parent (present in every individual).

They represent real people who live and interact with us in social organizations and at work places. These ego states are ‘phenomenological social realities’. They constitute the three aspects of human personality.

The Structure of Human Personality

The three aspects of human personality are diagrammatically shown in Exhibit 5.4.

 

It is observed that the same individual speaks differently at different occasions while discussing about different things with different persons. As a therapist Eric Berne records one of his significant observations illustrative of the interplay of three ego states in an individual. He narrates the behaviour of Matthew, a new member in a group of welleducated psychos. ‘The group soon noticed that Matthew, a new member, exhibited three characteristic of ego states at the meetings. When he was discussing his wife, he spoke in loud deep, dogmatic tones, leaning back in his chair, with a stern gaze and counting off the accusations against her on his upraised fingers. At other times, he talked with another patient about carpentry problems in a manner of fact tone, leaning forward in a companionable way, on still other occasions, he taunted the other group members with a scornful smile about their apparent loyalty to the therapist, his head slightly bowed and his back ostentatiously turned towards the leader. The other patients correctly diagnosed these three ego states as parent, adult, and child respectively’.⁵

How to Identify the Ego States of Interacting Individuals

We can identify each ego state by noticing the facial expressions, language, and behaviour of a person. These characteristics are usually as follows:

• Parent: The parent ego state is a replica of parent attitudes behaviours. It is manifested by the language marked by expressions such as it, this, never do this, always right, must, should, raised voice and dominating tone. It could also be characterized by words of anxiety, concern, fear and wishes for good luck in situations of threat to the other person if he or she happens to be emotionally close to the person.
• Body movements: Raised finger or pointing fingers, gestures like stern expression and rarely smiling, showing a sense of reserve and aloofness.
• Eyes: Usually looking at you.

All these are clues to the structured mental state of a person in the parent ego frame of mind.

• Adult ego state: It is reflected from the logical and self controlled language of the individual. The choice of words such as ‘possibly’, ‘may be’, ‘perhaps’, ‘may’, can indicate that the person is objective and realistic. There is a good scope for mutual understanding between both the persons.

Gestures are related movements of hands and eyes.

• Child ego state: This state is essentially characterized by the sulkiness of a child, impatience to get things done, and desire to be stroked through endearing behaviour of the other.

Need to identify the ego states of each other

By recognizing these ego states, we promote effective interpersonal communication and create properly structured relations.

Conflicts and misunderstanding arise between individuals in society and work organizations when they interact with cross mental states. In such situations of communication if one person’s attitude is parent (ego state) and the other is an adult (ego state), the interaction is bound to be unpleasant. The parent will speak in an authoritative and domineering manner which would be resented to by the other person of adult mental state, who loves to be objective and mature in being aware of the psychological reality of the other person. Therefore, to improve our interpersonal transactions (communications) we should know the following transactional scheme.

In the act of communication, which is transaction between two persons, one speaks first and provides a stimulus from one of the three ego states, and the other responds from her/ his ego state as shown below. There are three schemes of transactions (communication)—complementary, crossed and ulterior.

Complementary Transaction

As shown in Exhibit 5.5, in this situation, stimulus and response lines are parallel. The transaction is harmonious. Both A and B speak from the same parent attitude and state of mind. For example:

A asks his wife: Where have I kept my glasses? I am sorry, not remember it.

B replies: Here they are. At our age, we just tend to forget.

The question and response, both are direct; hence, no conflict.

Second example of direct complementary transaction is when two persons communicate with the parent and child attitudes. Let us remember that when we speak of an ego state, we talk about the attitude and the frame of mind of the speakers, and not their actual age or relationship. As shown in Exhibit 5.6, the transactional stimulus is parent to child (in terms of ego states and not of actual relationship).

X: ‘Never give up. It is Cowardice’.

Y: ‘Yes, Sir. I will try’.

 

 

Here, both the stimulus ego state and response state are of the complementary nature of parent and child. Therefore, the transaction is smooth and psychologically properly structured.

Crossed Ego State Transaction

But suppose in the same situation X patronisingly speaks to Y as parent and Y reacts as an adult, for example:

X says: ‘Never give up; it is Cowardice’

Y replies: ‘It is easy said than done’.

Here X speaks as parent but Y treats him as adult and responds accordingly.

In this situation, the transaction is crossed. The two ego states, of the stimulus and response are not parallel. They cross each other; the transaction is not smooth. The communication may grow into a conflict between the two persons. This crossed ego states’ scheme of transaction is diagrammatically shown in Exhibit 5.7.

 

The response represents adult state.

 

 

In this example X speaks with parents’ feelings and attitude to encourage Y, treating him as a child but Y responds with the factual attitude of an adult who knows the difficulties of life and its challenges. Y responds with a sense of reality and objectivity. Therefore the stimulus and response cross each other. The transaction is therefore not well structured and would fail.

In life, this form of crossed transaction is the most common cause of bickering and misunderstanding in personal relationship between friends, couples, and other social and work situations. The stimulus from parent to child is not properly perceived by the receiver and is responded as one adult to another adult with a sense of resentment.

Ulterior Transactions

Ulterior transactions are ‘those which take place at two levels simultaneously. At the superficial social level they usually appear to be adult to adult while at the deeper psychological level they involve parent to child’. ⁶

Himstreet and Baty call it ‘Stroking’ aspect of human communication. ‘Just as a baby requires coddling, patting, and loving (stroking); an adult requires communication. A simple “Good Morning is a stroke”, the reply “Same to you” is another stroke’.⁷

Himstreet and Baty point out the great psychological significance of this commonplace adult exchange of greetings between two persons. As transaction it may not seem very important, but imagine the feelings of two friends if they met and no exchange took place. ‘A pat on the back from the boss, a congratulating phone call, and taking the time to listen to another’s problems are examples of everyday stroking that occur in business’. ⁸

‘We all require stroking for our mental health, and attention to strokes can greatly improve communication and people’s feelings about their work’.⁹

APPLICATIONS OF CONVERSATION CONTROL

Conversation control is particularly applicable in certain business situations. Note that detailed discussions on interviews and negotiations are given in Chapters 18 and 17, respectively.

 

6
Know how to control the direction of conversation in meetings, oral presentations, and negotiations, and how to influence or motivate the listener or audience.

Meetings

One often hears the chairperson of a meeting saying, ‘We are drifting away from the point’ or ‘Let us keep to our agenda’. Sometimes at the end of a meeting, it seems that nothing has been gained and everyone’s time has been wasted. Such feelings arise when there is no conversation control. According to Charles J. Margerison, ‘Conversation control is concerned with ensuring that people communicate clearly to resolve problems and make the best of opportunities’.

The Agenda As a Control

For formal meetings, the first requirement is to prepare a complete agenda of the issues to be discussed in the order of the sequence of discussion. The agenda indicates which issues will be taken up when and how much time will be devoted to them. To enable attendees to understand the issues and present their viewpoints, it is desirable to circulate the necessary agenda in advance, so that participants can read the supporting papers before the meeting.

Agendas create the necessary framework for holding discussions. They also provide cues to keep the discussion to the point. A carefully prepared agenda is the first step to control the proceedings. The chairperson can always use it to draw the attention of speakers who drift from the relevant points.

 

An agenda also helps in fixing the duration of the meeting by allotting appropriate time for discussing each item at the outset. As a precaution, the agenda should include a provision for raising/discussing any other matter with the permission of the chair. The agenda is usually sent along with the notice/invitation for the meeting with the proposed date, place, and time.

The Chairperson

A meeting is chaired by a person whose role is to direct and conduct the proceedings in an orderly manner. During the meeting, the ruling of the chair is to be taken as the final word to be followed and respected by all those attending. The chairperson should be fully conversant with the rules of conducting meetings. He or she should know the rights and privileges of members, non-members, invitees, and observers at the meeting. He or she should also know the voting rights of members and also how voting is conducted, if required. Above all, the chairperson should be able to control the direction of conversation by focusing on important issues and creating conditions for sequential, linked, and meaningful discussions with the aim of finding solutions and not confrontations.

 

The chairperson begins the meeting on schedule and conducts business by first reading out the complete agenda or, in case of a long agenda, the first item on the agenda, which is invariably the confirmation of the minutes of the earlier meeting. If no objections are received, the minutes are taken as approved and are signed by the chairperson.

It is customary to assume that all papers have been read if they have been circulated among the members before the meeting. The meeting then takes up issues that require discussion. It is at this point that communication skills are required to make the discussion meaningful and controlled. During the meeting, members may enter into irrelevant conversations in which all kinds of non-issues or off-topic matters are raised. The discussion may degenerate into personal criticism too. Sometimes, objectivity may be lost, which can result in the meeting slipping into confusion and unproductive argument. This can be avoided by observing clues and cues and by exercising conversation control.

The chairperson has a significant role regulating the discussion by drawing attention to the main issue being discussed. He or she can summarize what is being said and then ask how it relates to the point under discussion. In a meeting, each person should follow the cues for the important topics being discussed.

The chairperson can also bring the discussion from the past to the present, by asking for the implications of all that has been said about the past in relation to the present situation. He or she should have the skill of changing the direction of conversation by providing transitions, such as from the past to the present and to the future or from problem-centered to solution-centered themes. Above all, the skills of avoiding parallel conversation, ensuring linked, sequential conversation, disagreeing without offending, and asserting without being aggressive are basic for the smooth conduct of business in a meeting.

 

Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive

At the workplace, hierarchy may make some individuals submissive. Sometimes, asserting one’s point of view runs the risk of being perceived as rude. In such a situation, the skills of assertive conversation become useful.

To be assertive is to be confident. An assertive person does not say ‘yes’ when he or she means ‘no’. Assertive individuals can say ‘no’ in a positive and firm manner; being firm requires stating one’s point of view clearly and without hesitation. This is the key to being assertive. It is important not to fumble or be indirect when conveying one’s concerns.

An assertive and firm person should be able to analyse the situation as he or she sees it, and should indicate relevant concerns by drawing the attention of seniors to the consequences. Firm communication with seniors or supervisors compels them to evaluate their assumptions, even if there is to be no change in the line of action to be taken.

In business, you have to be assertive when you strongly believe that someone’s course of action involves risk and danger and may have undesirable consequences that you might be held responsible for. In such situations, say what you must say.

Negative thinking results from a negative attitude or negative perception, which, at times, is part of a person’s personality. Some persons always focus only on the dark side of a situation. They say things such as ‘This is impossible’, ‘It is too difficult’, or ‘This is useless’.

 

When negative consequences are foreseen as a result of an expert’s critical thinking, their assertion is valuable to discussion. Sometimes, even pointing out loopholes in assumptions is necessary. For example, take the case of the Bhopal gas tragedy that took place on 2 December 1984. The internal reports of the U.S.-based undertaking, Union Carbide, show that the officials were aware of the growing safety and maintenance problems since 1982 when management cut staff at the methyl isocyanate (MIC) facility from twelve to six operators and reduced the number of maintenance workers. Faulty safety devices remained unattended for weeks. In fact, a 1982 report by a group of Carbide’s U.S. engineers had listed the problems, but the parent corporation made no effort to ask the Indian executives responsible for running the plant to correct them.

Obviously, the U.S. engineers failed to assert the need for safety. The Indian executives, also responsible for day-to-day operation of the plant, failed to point out the loopholes in the management’s extensive cost-cutting plans. The management was attempting to reduce losses by cutting maintenance costs. The failure of engineers and executives to be assertive on the subject of safety measures led to one of the worst disasters of the twentieth century.

Controlled Response to Conversational Attacks

When an individual is charged with negative feelings, it is natural for him or her to attack and say unpleasant things. If the other person happens to be a client, customer, or supervisor, a controlled response is necessary because larger business interests and long-term personal career interests are at stake.

In such situations, it is best to answer emotion with cool facts and to try to change the direction of conversation if possible; strong, abusive language that will complicate the situation should be avoided. One way to respond is to listen thoughtfully to the other person so that they know that their words are being heard. When responding, speak in a level tone and avoid harsh, strong, or abusive words. Do not react emotionally because by being calm, understanding, and rational, one can draw the other person’s attention to objective facts and focus on constructive solutions.

Remember that in business, rudeness and discourtesy should never be allowed to creep into your communication. Neither a client nor a supervisor should use rude words, whatever be the provocation; nor should you respond without courtesy. Conversation control teaches us self discipline. It trains us to convey to others that we really believe, understand, and appreciate their feelings, views, and grievances. Listen with full attention to grievances so that the other person feels that you are genuinely interested in his or her feelings. Conversation control will help manage situations of aggressive communication successfully.

Negotiating Through Conversation Control

Negotiation is an important activity in communication and will be discussed in detail in Chapter 17. Effective negotiation requires the skills of managing and controlling the interaction between two sides. Both sides try to present a case tactfully and achieve their goals. The strategy of using conversation control for negotiation basically involves showing an understanding of the other party’s position without necessarily agreeing with it. The entire verbal exercise of give and take to reach a win–win end is skillfully managed by conversation control.

 

SUMMARY

• Conversation is the lifeblood of social life. It creates a sense of togetherness. It is the primary form of face-to-face communication and is live, as it is done in person.
• The chief characteristics of good conversation are naturalness, simplicity, spontaneity, sensitivity, and responsiveness to the listener’s reactions.
• Conversation shares elements of visual communication such as body language, facial expressions, and gestures.
• Effective conversation needs conversation control to make it a fruitful dialogue.
• Speakers skilled in conversation control are able to link their conversations by avoiding parallel conversation.
• Smooth transaction requires identification of the ego states of each other.

CASE: DISCUSSING VANDALISM

Meera was the group leader of a discussion that included Ritu, Amit, Chawla, Priti, Hema, and Reema. The group had been requested by the school board to make some recommendations on how vandalism could be reduced in their school. Here is a transcript of their discussion:

Meera:	We’re trying to formulate some recommendations on what can be done to help reduce vandalism in our school. So far, our group seems to have different opinions on whether vandalism is a serious enough problem that merits really strong action. Some of us feel the problem is large and growing. Others say that a few childish pranks have been exaggerated out of all proportion by the school board. Can we, as a group, reach some agreement on whether vandalism is really a serious problem?
Ritu:	Frankly, I feel that any amount of vandalism is too much. Vandalism not only destroys school facilities and property, it also lowers the quality of our education. At the high school I attended last year, some students who were mad at the librarian set fire to the library. The entire senior class, who were working on their term papers for English, had to go across town to use the public library for the rest of the semester.
Amit:	And if you’ve…
Chawla:	Ritu’s experience really opens my eyes about vandalism. I never thought of it that way before. We’re losing out on educational resources, which will hurt us all in the long term.
Meera:	Amit, were you going to say something?
Amit:	I just wanted to add that this incident shows that vandalism has spread beyond the stage of childish pranks. There’s big difference between soaping windows and burning libraries. The damage done to the library cost the school ₹ 1000 per student. I’m sorry to say that vandalism has become a real economic problem in our school as well. In 2000, the cost to replace school property destroyed by students was ₹ 30,000.
Priti:	You know, it really makes me sad to think about kids who are vandals. Psychologists say these kids cause all this destruction just to get some attention, even if it’s negative.
Meera:	You’re right, Priti, it is sad but let’s get back to our original question. Do the rest of you feel, then, that vandalism is a serious enough problem in our school to require serious action? Since no one seems to disagree, let’s move on to consider what can be done to reduce vandalism vandalism. We might consider this question in two parts: what can the school board do about it and what can the students do about it? First, let’s discuss what the school board can do.
Amit:	I talked to the security officer in the neighbouring district, and she said security guards had been hired to patrol the schools with the highest vandalism rate in her district. What do the rest of you think of recommending this to our school board?
Meera:	I’ve always hated the idea of guards patrolling the school! School should be a place to learn, not a prison!
Chawla:	I don’t like the idea of security guards either. Most of the students aren’t vandals, and they are naturally going to resent being patrolled. Besides, having security guards during the day may not help the problem at all, since all the vandalism this year has occurred at night.
Amit:	Chawla, you’ve always got something bad to say about every suggestion! All you ever do is criticize!
Meera:	Wait a minute! I think Chawla has just contributed something really very constructive. He’s reminded us that most vandalism occurs at night. Maybe the best action the school board could take would be to hire a security guard to patrol the school grounds at night.
Hema:	That sounds like a good idea to me. Let’s make it one of our recommendations.
Meera:	Does everyone agree that asking the school board to hire a security guard to patrol the school grounds at night is a worthwhile recommendation? Since there’s no disagreement, go ahead and add that to our list, Priti.
Priti:	Okay, I have got it down.
Meera:	Are there any more ideas about what the school board can do? Since there don’t seem be any at the moment, let’s move on. What ideas can we come up with for how the students can control vandalism in our school?
Chawla:	One school solved its problems when the school board agreed to give the student council the money that had been budgeted for vandalism but ended up not being used because students found ways to reduce the damage done to the school.
Priti:	That sounds like the students were holding up the board for protection money. It shouldn’t be necessary to pay off students to get them to stop tearing apart their school.
Meera:	Chawla, you say the students found ways to reduce the damage done to the school, but you don’t say how. Who has some concrete ideas about what students can do to reduce vandalism?
Reema:	I belong to the senior class service club, the Olympians. Our group could be divided into teams that could take turns monitoring the empty halls and classrooms during lunch. Even though we haven’t had any daytime vandalism yet, this would be a good deterrent.
Priti:	That’s a great idea, Reema! And economical— the board will like that.
Hema:	I’d like to expand on Reema’s idea. If the Olympians patrol the grounds during school hours, there will be money for regular security guards from when school lets out at 3:00 until the time the night security comes in. We have had some vandalism during those hours.

Questions to Answer

1. How does Meera guide the group’s conversation?
2. During the discussion, one of the group members becomes more concerned with expressing ideas about the causes of vandalism than with helping the group think of ways to control it. What does Meera do to get the group back on the right track?
3. Why is it important for the group leader to refrain from imposing his or her views on the group? Why do you suppose that in parliamentary procedure the chairperson is not allowed to participate in the discussion of a motion? Discuss why such requirements for group discussions in small and large groups are important for maintaining an atmosphere in which participants feel free to express themselves.

REVIEW YOUR LEARNING

1. Explain the nature and purpose of ‘phatic communion’. Describe an example of such a conversation in your personal life.
2. What is conversation control? Discuss with examples.
3. ‘A key conversation skill is to know the difference between opinion and fact and to use it to your advantage’. Discuss.
4. Discuss the important characteristics of conversation as a spontaneous form of communication?
5. Discuss the structure of social conversation. Give some examples.
6. What is parallel conversation? Illustrate with an example you have encountered.
7. What is ‘one-upmanship’ in conversation?
8. Explain and contrast the nature of the binary and multivalued approaches to conversation.
9. What are keywords in the context of conversation control?
10. What are the benefits of identifying the ego states of the interacting persons?

REFLECT ON YOUR LEARNING

1. What is the role of conversation in our business and personal lives?
2. How important is informality in conversations?
3. According to Hayakawa, ‘The togetherness is not merely in the talking itself, but in the opinions expressed’. Do you agree with this assessment?
4. As rational human beings, what should be our attitude towards others’ opinions and beliefs?
5. Reflect on the difference between rejection and agreement in conversation. How would you behave if your suggestion as a manager is turned down by the vice-president of your company in a high-level meeting?
6. Reflect on the importance of noticing clues and cues in negotiations.
7. Do you believe one can be assertive without being aggressive at the workplace? Give reasons for your answers.
8. ‘We all require stroking for our mental health’. Do you agree?

APPLY YOUR LEARNING

Analyse the following conversation¹⁰ with respect to the psychological structure of conversation and the element of empathy.

‘We have two weeks before we leave,’ I said.

‘They have agreed to let us stay till then’.

‘You think that is good of them’? Selvan said, his voice hard and sharp like crystals. He lifted his eyes to mine. I saw they were black and smouldering, as if some deep flame of anger or hatred burned in him. Nathan replied for me.

‘It is better than being sent out at once as others have been’.

Selvan turned on his father.

‘You have accepted it? You have made no protest’?

‘What options have I, my son! Naturally, I have protested but it has availed me nothing’.

‘It is not just,’ Selvan said. ‘It is not right’.

‘Yet there is no law against it,’ said Nathan wearily. ‘We may grieve, but there is no redress’.

SELF-CHECK YOUR LEARNING

From the given options, please choose the most appropriate answer:*

1. Conversation, in general, differs from other forms of oral communication with respect to its:
   1. structure
   2. informality
   3. purpose
   4. technique
2. Social conversation is also known as:
   1. gossip
   2. idle talk
   3. chit-chat
   4. meaningless communication
3. Phatic communication uses words to express and share:
   1. togetherness
   2. meaning
   3. beliefs
   4. fear
4. The structure of social conversation is basically:
   1. psychological
   2. emotional
   3. logical
   4. moral
5. The underlying assumption of binary communication is that reality is:
   1. multi-valued
   2. black and white
   3. personal
   4. based on self-assertion
6. A conversation is successful when its direction is:
   1. divergent
   2. parallel
   3. sequential
   4. opposite
7. Our endeavour in effective business conversation should be to arrive at:
   1. consideration
   2. agreement
   3. commitment
   4. acceptance
8. At the workplace, to be a successful conversationalist, you should be:
   1. submissive
   2. aggressive
   3. rude
   4. assertive
9. An emotional outburst should be answered with:
   1. facts
   2. strong language
   3. tolerance
   4. humour
10. Conversation control means that, through practice, you can control the conversation of:
    1. someone else
    2. your own self
    3. the whole group
    4. your opponent
11. A ‘cue’ is a key word or phrase used by a person to:
    1. show that what is said is not important
    2. hide his or her real intentions
    3. mislead the listener
    4. indicate to the listener that something is important for the speaker
12. Summarizing given facts is an act of:
    1. comprehension
    2. repetition
    3. shortening
    4. hiding
13. To be assertive is to be:
    1. firm
    2. loud
    3. indirect
    4. aggressive
14. Conversation control teaches us:
    1. self-control as speakers
    2. control of listeners’ responses
    3. how to prevent others from speaking
    4. the use of strong, authoritative language
15. Complementary transaction takes place when the stimulus and response lines are:
    1. cross each other
    2. run parallel to each other
    3. part from each other
    4. stand vertical to each other

ENDNOTES

1. S. I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action (New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, Inc., 1964), 72.
2. As cited by S. I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action (New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, Inc., 1964), 69.
3. Charles Margerison, The Art of Effective Communication (New Delhi: Excel Books, 1996).
4. Eric Berne, ‘Principles of Transactional Analysis’, Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 1996. 38 (3), 154–159 (First published in Indian Jounal of Psychiatry, Vol. 1, 1959).
5. Ibid., p. 155.
6. Ibid., p. 157.
7. William C. Himstreet and Wayne Murlion Baty, Business Communication, Fifth Edition. (Wadsworth Publishing Co. Inc., Belmont, California, 1977), p. 13.
8. Ibid.
9. Ibid.
10. Kamala Markandaya, Nectar in a Sieve (Mumbai: Jaico Publishing House, 1955) 136.