CHAPTER 19

Communication for Conflict Management

“One single minute of reconciliation is worth more than an entire life of friendship.”

—Gabriel Gracia Marquez

WHAT IS CONFLICT?

Conflict is a state of disagreement, argument, and opposition, or hostility between groups, people, countries or sets of ideas, beliefs, interests and loyalties, etc. Conflict can be professional, personal, social, political, ethnic or job related. For example, professional conflict/issues can be over the job related settlement of the minimum wage payment to the unskilled labour. Social conflict between age groups of people may be because of generation gap and the opposition between tradition and modernity. Kall Marx tells us about the potential conflict below the surface of society—the struggle between the haves and the have-nots. The political conflict between democracy against the rule of monarchy is witnessed across the developing world.

Armed Conflict

Conflicts can be armed and violent. For years, some parts of the world have been torn apart by armed conflict to end dictatorship or insurgency.

The word conflict is used also in the following situations.

Conflict of Loyalties

You face conflict of loyalties when you have a situation in which you have to select between two or more opposite needs of equal importance for you. For example, a conflict between the demand of one’s family and one’s work. A married lady may be faced with the demands of her family and her work. As both are equally demanding and influencing her life, a conflict of loyalties arises before her.

Conflict of Interest(s)

The conflict of interest occurs when you have a situation in which you feel unable to do what you think you should do because your decision to do it would affect your other aspects of life. For example, there is an increasing conflict of interest between the position as a minister of tourisim and the management of his son’s chain of five star hotels.

The conflict of interests arises also in a situation when different people want different things.

For example, the HRD minister wants to have a single national level entrance examination to all the higher level engineering institutions in India, but the higher institutions want to retain their autonomy and freedom to choose their own method of selecting students to their respective institutions.

Conflict of interests between two adjoining states in South India over water sharing of a common river flowing through both the states may grow from the stage of negotiations to state strikes and interstate violence if the conflict is not resolved.

Conflict of Ideas/Opinions/Views

A situation in which two opposing opinions, views, ideas or beliefs crop up, but both cannot exist together or both cannot be held as correct.

For example, commenting on the recent railway accident in Bihar, the railway minister stated that the accident was an act of sabotage, but the Railway Board’s chief described the accident as a human error of the driver. Thus, the two views of the disastrous accident conflicted with each other.

Inner Conflict

When we talk of conflict, we normally think of two opposing external entities existing outside us. But sometimes there is a situation in which we have two opposite feelings about something that causes inner conflict in us. The famous soliloquy of Shakespeare’s Prince Hamlet:

‘To be, or not to be:
That is the question;’

universally symbolises the modern age dilemma and the inner conflict in all spheres of life.

Again, political conflicts over the division of a state on the basis of language can change into a wider conflict over the issue of distribution/division of natural resource mines, minerals, and industrial belts.

From all the above descriptions of conflict, one thing about conflict should have been clear that conflict is a state or situation of opposition between two or more things related to the same thing. The two things which are thus interrelated become conflicting if they contradict or oppose each other.

CHARACTERISTICS OF CONFLICT

Dynamic Nature of Conflicts

Conflict as a state is dynamic. Its intensity usually grows, if left unresolved. For example, a discussion between two neighbours on car parking may change into a physical fight between them.

 

1
Understand the role of communication as a behaviour that helps in the conflict situation to create mutual understanding.

 

For instance, in a housing society young boys played cricket in the open space between the two blocks of flats. It was considered a nuisance by the inmates of the flats. Many times glass windows got broken. The affected inmates continuously objected to the cricket playing at that place. Sometimes when there was a strong protest by the society members, the boys agreed to change the cricket ball with a tennis ball. The nuisance of breaking the window panes appeared to be resolved. But the boys kept playing there itself, creating lot of noise and disturbing all the neighbours. Obviously, the residents had not discussed the problem with the concerned boys. They did not think of handling their problem through convincing the boys by communicating with them to find alternative solutions that would satisfy the residents as well as the boys.

Management of conflict through communication is a process of managing conflict by choosing the most suitable solution to the situation of conflict. It assumes that there are a number of possible solutions to the problem. But we should choose the most appropriate solution. And this whole process of conflict management is done through communication between both the parties involved in the conflict. For instance, the boys and residents could together choose a different spot for cricket, if persuaded by the inmates.

State of Tension

All tensions create emotional distancing between interrelated and interdependent beings. Conflict mentally and emotionally creates a gap between two persons by pulling them in two opposite directions. If held in tension for long, the link between the two conflicting beings may be permanently broken.

Emotional Residue of Conflict

Conflict is Like a Stain on Inter-relationship

It has an emotional residue, like a bad spot on your white linen sheet, conflict leaves a lasting stain on your emotional relationships. It keeps on hurting and embarrassing you.

MANAGEMENT OF CONFLICT

Generally, we think of management of conflict as resolving it or handling it or reconciling it. That means we find some solution, one satisfactory way of dealing with a specific problem of conflicts by situation. It assumes that the conflict management is a problem solving process. It deals with each conflict as a problem and solves it by removing its immediate cause. But it does not ensure that the problem does not recur.

Negative Conflicts and Positive Conflicts

Know the nature of conflict to manage it better. Because conflict in itself suggests the presence of a negative situation, the term positive conflict sounds contradictory. However, conflicts are described as positive or negative on the basis of their favourable or unfavourable results for the conflicting parties. Conflicts are positive when they end in mutual satisfaction of both the parties. But a negative even when it is resolved leaves one or more conflicting persons dissatisfied with the result.

Characteristics of Negative Conflicts

The conflict is negative when the communication follows the ‘you-game plan’. The focus of discussions is personalized. Instead of discussing the behaviour or idea of a person, the criticism is directed against the individuals as persons. It is rightly said that if you want to change something, then ‘hate the sin but not the sinner’.

Me-centred Approach

Both the adversaries see only their side of the problem. They fail to realize that the other person also has some reasons to feel hurt or aggrieved.

Either or Neither Attitude

Both the parties insist on having either their way of deciding the issue or they will have no decision. No compromise attitude.

With such fixed minds conflicts can never be resolved or changed into positive situations.

Characteristics of Positive Conflicts

Positive conflicts are characterized by:

• Both parties are interested to resolve the problem.
• Looking for mutual satisfaction.
• Objectivity in understanding that each party has genuine reason for disagreement.
• Facts, not feelings form the basis of discussion.

What we propose to discuss here is the management of conflict through communication.

Interpersonal Conflict as a General State in Modern Life

Conflict is inevitable in our everyday interpersonal social and work place life. We see conflicts in all spheres of our life—personal, social, and professional. It is because, though modern technology has made us interrelated and interdependent, our societies remain deeply divided within them. Different kinds of ethnic, religions, cultural, social, political, economic, gender, and generation gaps separate us from one another as individuals and divide our goals, perceptions, beliefs and understanding, and thus affecting our interpersonal relations and mutual understanding.

Communication as a Bridge of Interpersonal Understanding

Lack of interpersonal communication, as pointed out by Martin Luther King (Jr) is the primary cause of conflict among people. He says:

People don’t get along
Because they fear each other

People fear each other
Because they don’t know each other

They don’t know each other
Because they have not
Communicated with each other.

 

As discussed in Chapter 9 on the nature and process of communication, Keith Davis describes the role of communication as ‘a bridge of meanings among people so that they can share what they feel and know. By using this bridge, a person can cross safely the river of misunderstanding that sometimes separates people’.

In the context of conflict management Keith Davis’s assertion about communication as a bridge of shared understanding among people that connects them is significant. Whereever there is a river of misunderstanding, we need a bridge. A safe bridge for crossing the barriers in interpersonal understanding is communication.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT THROUGH COMMUNICATION

This process requires you to have two sets of skills:

1. Management skills
2. Communication skills

Both of these skills are integrated into effective communication skills. But it would be better for us to first discuss briefly conflict management skills.

Management Skills

Identification of Problem and the Goal

Here, management is not used in the sense of managing as such, a process of planning, organizing, monitoring, controlling, forecasting, etc. In conflict management through communication, you need only to identify the problem and your goal. The approach, means of achieving the objective, is already decided—communication.

Problem Identification

The first step in conflict management is to understand the cause of conflict. Is it caused by conflict of ideas, or interests, or beliefs, or hurt egos, or fear of losing job, or opportunity due to someone’s machinations or chances? There can be any reason of conflict between two persons.

The existing or present position is the problem position to start the process of management. Let us call it position P₁. Now we want to resolve the conflict and change it into position P₂. P₂ is the targeted goal of conflict management. And the change from P₁ to P₂ is the task to be achieved by communication. We should know clearly our existing relations and also exactly how we want them to be. And how soon. By understanding these two states, the existing and projected situations, we chart out the course of successful and effective communication.

Communication Skills

Communication Skills for Conflict Management

Communication does not mean saying whatever is in your mind. Specially in conflict the person should know what ought to be said and how it should be said. Similarly the other person involved as receiver in the communication process should receive, understand and interpret the statement correctly and objectively. Both speaking and responding need to be precise and exact. The communicators should have ‘communication competence’, which according to Brian H. Spitzberg and Michael L. Hecht, is the ability that enables the communication to be effective and successful in achieving the goal of communication and makes the successful process repeatable.

Communication competence makes the communication act successful by resolving the conflict and establishing shared understanding between the conflicting parties. Communication is effective when

• Whatever is to be said is precisely stated, rightly and correctly understood.
• When the receiver acts as intended by the message.

To achieve this purpose, the communication should be

• Clear: In simple words and uncomplicated ideas.
• Specific: Exact, precise not vague.
• Or based on generalizations.
• Factual: Facts, not impressions or opinions, beliefs or assumptions convince the other person.
• Sincere: To be accepted by others, you should speak with sincerity, and honest conviction.
• Credible: Communication is successful only when it is credible, other persons are willing not only to understand it, believe it, accept it as true but also follow it in action.

Transactional Communication Process

Conflict can be resolved only by letting all parties participate in the interpersonal discussion. Both parties hear each other and respond interactively face to face patiently. The grievances are sympathetically heard. A common ground of understanding can emerge only when all the concerned minds freely interact and sort out the areas of differences. One-way communication is ineffective in conflict resolutions.

Limitation of Linear Model of Communication in Conflict Resolution

The linear model in conflict situation can be helpful in directly explaining the problem to the other person. But this explanation of the interpersonal conflict would be from a single point of view. Besides, the process of communication being a single person’s speaking would suggest as if the interpersonal conflict is something one person has done to the other. The linear communication may end up as a fault finding process instead of acting as a bridge of understanding between the conflicting parties.

Of course, the linear model does have a feed-back loop in its interactional form, yet the channel of communication basically flows from the sender to the receiver.

It opens only on the side of the speaker of the message. Thus, the communication in the linear form would tend to sound like one way preaching or pleading for resolving the issue by removing the cause of the conflict.

As already said, the transactional communication is; therefore, the most effective process of communication for conflict resolution. It looks upon conflict as something that happens between two persons and it is a thing that primarily the concerned persons can work together to resolve and manage through developing common understanding of the issues and agreed upon solutions.

In fact, the conflict makes both the parties extra-sensitive to whatever one says to the other regarding cause of conflict or the persons, or the act responsible for the situation of conflict. Hence, communicating in conflict requires to be a well thought process of interpersonal communication.

The Language of Discussion

It is significant to note that the normal rule of using second person ‘you’ before the first person ‘I’ is changed in the conflict discussion. For example, normally we say, ‘you have done well, so have I’. We praise the second person ‘you’ first, then only praise ourselves, ‘I’. In positive situations, grammar and culture go together in shaping the language structure. But in negative situations of blame or fault, the rule of grammar is reversed to follow the psychological and cultural norms of inter-relationships. Therefore, we speak of our fault first, then the fault of the other person. Accordingly, we say, ‘the fault is mine as well as yours’.

The change in the position of ‘you’ and ‘I’ creates a corresponding change in the listener’s perception of relative degree of responsibility of both the persons. The listener feels satisfied to some extent to hear that he is not the first to be blamed. Though it is a culture-based use of personalized ‘you’ and ‘I’, it has psychological effect on the other person’s sense of blame.

Use ‘I’ Statements to Assert Your Responsibility in Conflict Creation

To resolve the conflict you should be willing to own the share of responsibility for the on-going conflict. And accordingly make clear, direct and personalized ‘I’ statements which assert your confidence and frankness to fault yourself. This ‘I statement’, ‘I ordered it’ or ‘I did not like to do it’ is a personal statement that states responsibility.

The language of discussion in conflict should avoid all words and phrases which blame and fault the other party exclusively first or personally. In order to establish better inter-relationship do not use negative words for your opponent. For example, if you want to express your disagreement with some point, do not say ‘I do not agree with you’. Better say, ‘I do not agree with what you say’.

The general rule in this regard is that you disagree with an idea of a person, but not the person who holds that idea.

By avoiding the language of personal disagreement, you tend to develop the possibility of personal agreement between two persons subsequently.

MANAGING THE PROCESS OF COMMUNICATION IN CONFLICT

The interpersonal transactional communication in conflict should be psychologically planned for a collaborative approach to conflict resolution. First of all, consider that the other person is sensitive to whatever is said, and non-verbally communicated. Therefore, to respond to conflict, we should follow the S-TLC system—before communicating we should stop, think, and listen. Ruth Anna Abigail and Dudley D. Cahn call this process S-TLC system of managing conflicts over intangible issues.

By following these four steps, we can generally resolve our interpersonal conflicts.

 

2
Learn about the intangible issues which cause interpersonal conflicts.

The S-TLC Strategy Conflict Management

This system is based on the understanding that conflict is a creation by two persons and that its resolution can be done only by the combined efforts of both the persons. Therefore the communication skills discussed below are to be used by both the parties for managing the conflict. If only one of the parties uses communication competence, and the other remains a poor communicator, the gap of misunderstanding and conflict between the two may remain unresolved. Therefore the basic skills of communications discussed below may be followed as collaborative steps of communication in managing interpersonal conflicts:

 

3
Understand the effectiveness of stop-think, listen and communicate system for conflict management.

• Stop: It is a common saying that when you are annoyed or angry, do not respond immediately. Before saying something count upto nine. It only means that wait, regain your self control, and cool down, only then you interact. Whenever you realize that you are in a situation of conflict with someone, tell yourself, ‘Hush! No more of that’. Ask yourself to stop! To pause awhile, to give yourself time to cool down to think, listen and then communicate.
• Think: ‘Look before you leap’ is a wise piece of advice for acting in a perilous situation. It says that it is sensible to think about the possible dangers or difficulties of something before doing it, or not doing it. You should think about the possibility of worsening the situation if you take the conflict personally. The conflict is about an issue, not a person. Also think about your larger goals of smooth relationships by not allowing the conflict to divide you from the other person. Also, think whether the other person also needs good relations with you. Think to develop an informed frame of mind before you communicate to resolve the situation of conflict. Consider the conflict as a whole. Analyse its background, your options, and the best time and way of raising it with the other person. Also think of the other person’s possible arguments, options, and goals with regard to the conflict.
• Listen: To be able to have a meaningful and fruitful dialogue, you should first listen to what the other person has to say. Do not start speaking on the basis of your assumptions about the thoughts and feelings of the other person involved in the situation of conflict. Hear him/her out. Half of his/her grievance would be over if you listen to her/him patiently. Skill to listen actively is as effective in the resolution of conflict as competence to express yourself effectively. Remember, what the other person says is as important as what you say. Therefore, first listen.
• Communicate: Finally, you decide how you want to say it all. Persuasively, aggressively, or in a submissive way of reconciliation, and give and take attitude.

PURPOSIVE COMMUNICATION IN CONFLICT

Communication is a purposive act. It always seeks to fulfil the communication goal. While thinking about the conflict one of the important subjects of thinking is what you want to do about the conflict situation. You want to change the other person, change your own self, change the situation or change nothing, and do nothing. It is possible that both the persons may not think alike. One person may think of resolving the conflict, while the other may like to leave it unchanged. In a situation of this kind your communication has to attempt two tasks, first to change the person and then change the situation by removing the cause of conflict.

VERBAL SKILLS FOR COMMUNICATING IN CONFLICT

Use of Personalized Language

Personalized language uses ‘I’ statements or ‘you’ statements to discuss or criticise the people involved in the situation instead of talking about it in a more general way. Nothing consoles a grieving person more than the assertive. ‘I’ statement of a person who owns his fault and responsibility for generating the conflict. The words ‘I feel or I think, I should must have acted like that’, convey the person’s upfront honesty and sense of implied regret to the other person.

Instead of attributing the cause of his behaviour to anyone else, or to the other party involved in the conflict, the speaker owns his responsibility for his feelings, his thought and his action. And that strengthens the basis for building up understanding between the two persons. Psychologically the other person would also be willing to accept their part of the responsibility for whatever has happened. And, that exactly is the beginning of the process of reconciliation between the disputing persons. ‘You statements’ or ‘they statements’, unlike ‘I statement’ which fault the doer’s responsibility, are statements which evade personal responsibility. They attribute the blame to others. The depersonalized statements show that you as doer want to hide behind someone for owning your fault. Such depersonalized statements show that you are trying to be defensive use of ‘you statements’ in expressing disagreement.

Conflict Over Intangible Issues

Intangible issue relate to non-material or non-physical matters which concern human relations in terms of respect, values, love, self-esteem, attention, concern, caring, family ties, traditions and cooperative behaviour. They are though non-material in the sense that they do not exist physically, yet to several persons these values matter deeply. And often conflicts arise centred on such intangible, personality related issues. And the earlier these conflicts get resolved the better it is for both the conflicting parties. As these intangible issues generally involve friends, near and dear relatives, or close neighbours, they constantly disturb the peace of mind of both the persons.Hence, one should try to manage these intangible conflicts through communication as a bridge of mutual understanding and good will.

Tangible Issues and Conflicts

Tangible issues relate to matters of land, concrete nature, such as a property, territory, natural resources, gas, water, minerals, mines, coal, or wages, promotions, rewards recognitions and things which are not personality or behaviour centred issues.

 

4
Know how tangible issues lead to serious conflicts between neighbours, persons, states and countries.

 

Conflicts caused by tangible issues require for resolution communication through negotiations, group discussions, meetings, formal interactions and agreements, sometimes with the help of a third party. Some of these issues, specially issues of territory, sharing of water, and other natural resources become the main issue of conflict threatening to change into hostilities between the neighbouring countries or states. They call for a dialogue between the concerned states or countries for a peaceful settlement of the contentious issues. The high level interaction in such situations exhibit subtlety of understanding and communication competence of the negotiators.

Trust Building

The communication act is a first step to create an environment of trust between both the parties. Past events of mistrust are acknowledged and also explained to pave a fresh path of understanding and goodwill. Remove the fear of competition or power abuse.

Build mutual trust by sharing the facts fully and asking for remedial steps for resolving the conflict with an attitude of understanding the other person’s demands and needs. Be flexible.

SUMMARY

• Conflict is unavoidable but it is normally manageable. To be able to manage conflict you should first know the nature and reason for its occurrence. Then, you should select the best method for resolving the conflict or reducing it.
• Improve your communication skills to prevent the conflict from recurring in your personal, social, workplace and professional life. In the situation of conflict follow the system of stop-think-listen and then communicate.
• For conflict management, listening to the other party’s views and grievances is as important as speaking out your thoughts and feelings.
• To be able to manage the conflict, argue facts, and not impressions or suppositions and assumptions and beliefs.

CASE: MHAI

The Mahatama Gandhi Highways Authority of India (MHAI) issued lease termination notice to the Basai-Nagpur expressway operator in June 2010 for violating terms of agreement. Violations included failure to decongest the expressway, taking one-sided financial decisions and increasing the number of accidents on the expressway because of wrong and inefficient tolling system at Badgaong Plaza, on way from Mumbai to Nagpur.

The relations between the two parties became bitter after the nodal authority of highways accused the e-way operator of fraud in the form of refinancing the project without its due approval.

The e-way operator changed financiers and took loan from them and used the money without getting approval from the government’s Nodal Highway Building Agency.

The management of toll plaza was faulty. There were from both sides long lines of vehicles at the toll barrier. The daily commuters were put to lot of inconvenience and delay due to the traffic jams at the toll bridge.

The lanes were broken. And the delayed vehicles sped fast as soon as they were able to creep beyond the barrier. There were several public protests against the administration and the firm managing the toll plaza. The MHAI finally decided to change the firm and issued the termination notice of the contract between the government’s e-ways building authority and the operator Mumbai Nagpur Expressway.

But instead of going to the court for challenging the termination notice, the firm approached the MHAI and both the parties held several meetings to sort out the issues.

A time frame was mutually decided to settle all the issues to the satisfaction of all concerned parties, through consultations, and meetings.

It was agreed that in future no financial or administrative changes would be made by the toll plaza firm without prior approval of the government’s Nodal Highways Building Agency.

Questions to Answer

1. Was the termination notice to the toll plaza firm in keeping with the provisions of the contract between the two parties?
2. Can the change of financiers for taking the loan be termed as fraud?
3. Do you think that the fresh understanding between the MHAI and toll plaza company would solve the problem of the daily commutes between Mumbai and Nagpur.

REVIEW YOUR LEARNING

1. Discuss the types of conflict that usually arise in interpersonal relationship.
2. Is there some common cause of conflict in all kinds of conflicts? Identify and discuss.
3. What are the characteristics of positive conflicts?
4. What is the basic difference between positive conflicts and negative conflicts?
5. What is meant by the conflict of loyalties? Discuss with examples.
6. How does conflict of interests differ from conflict of loyalties? Explain.
7. Discuss the role of communication in conflict management.
8. Discuss the communication skills you need to resolve a conflict.

REFLECT ON YOUR LEARNING

1. Think of an occasion when you failed to resolve a conflict with your next door neighbour. What went wrong? Elaborate your answer with an example of the conflict you could not resolve.
2. Can you trace a pattern in the development of conflicts in your personal life. Do you think those conflicts could be avoided by you?
3. In the communication model (system) S-TLC, why does C (communication) come at the end, and S (stop) at the beginning?
4. Do you believe that some conflicts are inevitable? Why?
5. Have you ever used communication as a bridge of understanding between your brother and yourself in the situation of a complete break up between both of you? How did you begin the communication, and developed it successfully into reunion? Discuss the precautions you took in discussing the issue.

APPLY YOUR LEARNING

1. How would you distinguish between tangible issues and intangible issues? Give some examples.
2. ‘I hate the idea of causes and if I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country’, says E. M. Forster, in Two Cheers for Democracy. Comment on the statement of conflict. Give your comments on Forster’s resolution of an assumed inner conflict.
3. Compare two conflict situations, one that grew worse and another that did not. Discuss their outcomes.
4. Why should we avoid use of personalised language in conflict?
5. Do you agree that silence is as important as speaking in managing conflict? Discuss.

SELF-CHECK YOUR LEARNING

From the given options please choose the most appropriate answer:^*

1. The best way to overcome conflict is through:
   • confrontation
   • communication
   • accusation
   • self-defence
2. Communication for conflict management is:
   • proactive
   • reactive
   • interactive
   • transactional
3. The conflicting parties are:
   • unrelated to each other
   • interrelated with each other
   • unknown to each other
   • close with each other
4. Conflict of ideas is a situation in which two opposing ideas:
   • can exist together and can be both true
   • can exist together but cannot be both true
   • cannot exist together but can be both true
   • cannot exist together or cannot be both true
5. Negative conflict’s resolution needs the discussion to be:
   • personalized
   • impersonalized
   • non-personalized
   • de-personalized
6. In me-centred approach to conflict both the adversaries see the problem from the point of view of:
   • themselves
   • each other
   • others
   • no one
7. Communication is effective when what is said is:
   • correctly heard but not rightly understood
   • correctly heard, rightly understood but not rightly acted upon
   • exactly said, rightly understood and correctly acted upon
   • exactly said and rightly understood
8. Interpersonal communication acts as a:
   • river of understanding
   • gulf of understanding
   • sea-shore of understanding
   • bridge of shared understanding
9. In conflict situation communication means that discussion should be:
   • aggressive
   • emotional
   • specific
   • general
10. Choose the LTCS in the correct order of sequence of communication strategy.
    • CSTL
    • TCLS
    • LTCS
    • STLC