Plan and Prepare

The first meetings with a client, or a potential client, should be carefully planned. Write up the questions you want to ask and anticipate the questions you might receive. Visualize the first meetings and the outcomes that you want to achieve. If you have a coach colleague, you can role-play or rehearse meetings. It's imperative that you feel confident, clear, and prepared. Your client will be watching you and listening to you very, very carefully. She will be looking for indicators of your competence, credibility, integrity, and character.

Exhibit 5.1 presents some questions you might want to include in your plan for your first meeting.

Cautiously Gather Background Information

Before meeting a new client, you might be tempted to speak to others who know this person, but this should be done with caution. While it can be helpful to gather impressions of the person you might coach, and some of that information can be instructive on how to gain that person's trust, it is also possible that what you hear could influence your feelings and beliefs about the individual. It is essential that you go into your first meetings with as many positive feelings about the client as possible. Therefore, if you hear things that plant seeds of doubt in your mind, it might be harder to listen deeply. Furthermore, do not underestimate the other person's ability to subconsciously pick up on what's lurking right beneath your coach-surface.

For my own integrity, and so that I can best get to know my client, I try to know as little as possible about a potential client before I meet him. I suggest that you don't gather information in advance unless you have a very trusted colleague who understands the work of coaching. If that person exists, you might want to ask questions such as these:

• What do you think are his strengths as a teacher or leader?
• What might be important for me to know in order to build trust with him?
• Are there any specific words or phrases that I could use that might resonate with him or be a trigger?
• Is there anything in my own background that you think might be worth sharing with him?

Remember that in order to gain trust, you will need to establish credibility. One way of doing this is by demonstrating that you know what you're doing, which is particularly hard to do when you're a new coach! You can show that you know what you're doing by coming to a first conversation with some knowledge about what your client is dealing with. If you are coaching a principal, for example, you might be able to do some online research into the site's history, test scores, and so on. However, in a first meeting you also need to allow your client to be the expert and the one supplying the context. Many people who receive coaching feel vulnerable about what has been said about them or their school, so in some cases you can gain trust by not coming in with information from external sources. When in doubt, my advice is to start with as little information in your mind as possible. This will allow you to be more completely focused on the person in front of you and to be authentically curious about who he is, where he's been on his learning journey, and where he wants to go.

This is not to say, however, that you won't do some research later. In order to better support your client and to effect systemic change, you'll need to do some research (more on this in Chapter Six). But first you need to enroll your client—and this is harder to do if you've heard that he's been bounced around from school to school, that parents hate him, or that he's dismissive of students with learning disabilities. Proceed into the realm of research with caution.

Establish Confidentiality

In your first conversation with a client—or, better yet, in an e-mail before you even meet—establish confidentiality. Repeat this several times during the first few conversations. For most clients, this will be extremely important and you will need to be absolutely true to your word. Be warned: if you violate the confidentiality agreement, you may never be able to regain a client's trust.

Here's what I usually say, immediately after sitting down for the first conversation:

“Before we get started, I want to return to what I shared in my e-mail about the confidentiality of our conversations. Our conversations are absolutely confidential. I will not discuss what we talk about with your supervisor or anyone else. If I ever need to e-mail your principal or supervisor about something we talked about, I will CC you on it. I would speak to him or her in person about you only if you are present.”

Although complete confidentiality is necessary for coaching to work, there may be times when principals and supervisors want to know about the work. In that case, it is important that the client is also aware of exactly what will and won't be communicated and how it will be communicated. Supervisors also need to know that a confidentiality agreement exists between the coach and client. Staff development experts Joeleen Killion and Cindy Harrison (2006) suggest that coaches share the four Ts: teacher, time, topics, and tasks. The first T identifies the person receiving coaching support (the teacher, in their framework). If you are working at a school, or within a network, then the principal or supervisor is informed about which teacher is receiving coaching. Second, a coach shares how much time is spent with the coachee each week or month. Third, a coach names the topics that are being worked on. For example, “Mr. Smith and I are looking at formative assessment strategies for academic vocabulary.” Finally, a coach describes the tasks that she is doing with the coachee. For example: “I am observing Mr. Smith and offering feedback. We read an article together.”

The coaching log shown in Exhibit 5.2 is a tool that can be used to report to supervisors (and a blank version can be found on my website). This can be completed by the coach and client at the end of each meeting and given to the supervisor or stored on an online platform that all parties can access. The only exception is when the coach hears anything that puts the safety of another person—adult or child—at risk. And, of course, if we hear or see our client doing something illegal, we are obligated to report it.

As coaches, we must be careful to share only information that is nonevaluatory. This information is best communicated in a monthly report (see Chapter Fourteen) that is e-mailed to both the coachee's supervisor and the coachee. The more formalized, the better.

For coaching to be most effective, the client must feel confident that you will not share any information with his supervisor. You will need to state this intention when you first meet, you will need to repeat it, and you will need to be very careful when you're in the same room with your coachee and his evaluator—your client will be watching you closely to see if you reveal anything. And again, be warned: if you break the confidentiality agreement, you may never be able to regain your client's trust and, as a result, there will be no coaching. And if you violate the trust of a teacher, for example, you can be fairly certain that that teacher will speak to his colleagues about you and they will not trust you or be receptive to your coaching. Be very, very careful. On the other hand, after you've established yourself as a trustworthy coach, positive word of mouth will get around. When you are enrolling a client and discussing confidentiality, you can refer your new client to others who may vouch for your trustworthiness. This can make the enrollment process quicker and easier.

Listen

From the very first time you meet with a client, you'll want to demonstrate your listening skills. A client will be very attuned—consciously or unconsciously—to your capacity to listen deeply. The purpose of deep listening is for you to truly perceive and understand where the client is coming from and his deeper desires and fears, so that you can guide him into territory that he may not even be aware he needs to explore. A big step toward building trust with a client is your ability to listen.

In coaching, we listen deeply, without ego or attachment; we are listening with acceptance. When clients experience this, they develop confidence in you and in your integrity. Give your coachee this experience the first time you meet: it is a way for you to demonstrate your intent to create a reflective learning space, and it will help him begin to trust you.

Active listening is a useful strategy for a first meeting. Active listening requires us to restate or paraphrase what the client has said, both to check our own understanding and let the client know that he's been heard. Furthermore, when a coach says, “I'm hearing … Is that accurate?” it invites the client to build on what he has shared.

Chapter Eight is all about listening; there's lots more to say. You might want to read that chapter before engaging in first meetings with new clients.

Ask Questions

Your initial meetings with a client are an opportunity for you to demonstrate your skill. Coaching questions can shift a client's perceptions, deepen learning, move actions, and transform practice. But given that so much is at stake in the first meetings, and that you can't anticipate and plan for everything that someone else will say, what can you ask? Clarifying questions are usually safe and often productive. Simply asking for more information—Could you tell me more about that?—can be revealing. Your client can experience it as an invitation to go deeper in her thinking, to share a next layer of reflection. It is a way for you to express interest in the other person. It is often surprising what another person will share when you simply ask for more. While you don't want the first meetings to feel like interrogations, asking clarifying questions is generally a safe route.

While you might have a list of questions to ask (such as those in Exhibit 5.1), you also need to respond to what you hear your client saying. If you are able to ask a few questions that give your client a glimpse of your capacity as a coach, you will gain ground in building trust. Even those who are suspicious of coaching often suspect that probing questions might be helpful. They yearn for a question that will give them new insight or offer a new perspective. Try to ask one of these if you can.

Connect

As you start getting to know a new coachee, try to uncover personal connections. I go into a first meeting like a ravenous animal on the hunt, my eyes scanning the office or classroom for a family photo, a postcard, a certificate, or anything that I might be able to connect with. I also try to surface connections through the questions I ask. General questions—such as: How was your summer (or vacation or weekend)? Where did you grow up? and How long have you been teaching?—can open doors. You can also try the specific questions in Exhibit 5.1.

I intentionally look for connections for a couple of reasons. First, sometimes they allow me to share a snippet of personal information (“I have a toddler too”), which helps personalize me for my client—they need this too, but I only share tiny tidbits of personal information. Second, the personal details I learn help me care more about my client; they help me see beyond the teacher or principal label, and then my heart opens and my compassion expands.

This coaching strategy was critical with Susan, a central office administrator. My manager told me, “She's old school, has very little background as an instructional leader, and she's going to be intimidated by your experience, but she does want coaching.” Knowing this, I wondered if during our first conversation I could find a way to elicit Susan's knowledge and skills. As I sat down in her office the first time we met, I noticed a number of prominently displayed photos of a young man who I guessed was her son. He looked to be of a similar multiracial mix to my own child, who had just started kindergarten that week. Susan was more than eager to talk about her son, and we spent two hours discussing our children, the challenges of raising boys of color in Oakland, and the difficult decisions that mothers must make. I asked questions, asked for advice, and shared my fears about my boy entering public school. As I left her office, she hugged me and said, “Next time we'll talk business, but sometimes it's good to just get to know someone before you start working with them.”

This was what Susan needed in that first meeting—to have her expertise authentically recognized and appreciated and to see me as a learner as well. The connection we made also informed my coaching moves as we worked together that year. As challenges arose, I recalled the bigger picture of Susan and her strength as a mother, and I was able to help her transfer that knowledge and strength to her role as an administrator.

Validate

A transformational coach is a master at uncovering a client's assets. It is almost as if we wear glasses that make a person's strengths pop out in Technicolor while everything else fades into shades of gray. These glasses are an essential accessory for first meetings with a client. Remember that most clients feel vulnerable as they begin coaching—after all, coaching is a way to improve, grow, change, or transform. Put on those glasses and share your observations.

Validating another's experiences is powerful. A simple and sincere, “Wow. That sounds really hard,” or “Congratulations! That's great!” communicates validation. A key rule for praise is to be specific and acknowledge the action. For example, “I hear that in the last week you moved across country, set up your house, got your kids into a new school, and started this teaching job, and you still seem energetic! That's amazing!”

Sadly, people who work in schools are rarely validated for what they do. Think back to your time in the classroom. How often did you feel appreciated or recognized for the multitude of things that you did every day? Just echoing what you've heard and observed a client doing can build trust. It shows that you listen carefully and recognize the struggles and triumphs of the profession.

As with everything else you say, your validation and praise must be completely sincere. Don't compliment something that you don't truly appreciate; your client will pick up on that inauthenticity and trust will plummet. But also, don't overpraise—that's not what you're there to do. Your role as a coach is not necessarily to praise, but to hold a mirror up to your client and help him see his strengths reflecting back. In the beginning, he may not see them—that's why you'll call them out. Eventually, you need to be able to walk away and let the client hold up the mirror himself.

Be Open about Who You Are and What You Do

Most teachers and principals I've coached have been less interested in who I am and what I've done than in why I do what I do. I offer a very basic professional-biographical sketch and then ask, “Is there anything else you'd like to know about me?” Usually they aren't interested in me, which is helpful, as we want to keep the focus on them.

Proactively demonstrating an awareness about the role that your gender, ethnicity, or cultural background might play in a particular coaching situation can be a way of developing trust with a client. Thoughtfully naming the differences between you and your client can reflect your awareness of these dynamics. When I was assigned to coach an older African American male principal in a community that was 100 percent African American, I raised this point in an early conversation. I asked, “I'm wondering how you feel about working with me, given the differences in our age, gender, and ethnicity. What comes up for you?” We had an honest conversation that helped me understand this principal much better, and he expressed appreciation that I'd named the differences and initiated a discussion.

What I never do with clients when I'm raising gender, race, and other background differences is make assumptions that my own knowledge or experience is directly transferable to their situation. I don't say, “My best friend is also a _____,” or “I'm married to a ____.” My job is to get to know the person standing in front of me, to understand what it's like to be him in the context he is in. I don't want to suggest that I know things because of my prior experiences.

What new clients do wonder about is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Even if they've willingly engaged in coaching, there's always a bit of curiosity around this practice. Some have asked, “What's your agenda?” I address these concerns by sharing my coaching vision, what I believe coaching is and can do, and what my agenda is (see Chapter Three).

Here's an example of what I've said:

I know you don't really want to work with a coach, and I appreciate your honesty in sharing that. I hear that you've been working really hard to turn your school around and that you feel misunderstood by your supervisor. I want to repeat that everything we talk about is confidential. I know that you've been put on an improvement plan, but I'm here to support you in anything you want to work on, in whatever area you'd like support in. I'm not attached to that plan, it's not my agenda—my agenda is to help you help your school and community. Can we talk about what that might look like for you?

If I do have an agenda—if I've been asked to address something specific—then I state that:

I'm here to support you in using this classroom management plan. I know you asked for some help as a first-year teacher, and I know that if we focus on a few areas you'll make progress quickly. I'm not evaluating you in any way, however, and I don't share our work with your principal. How does that sound?

Ask for Permission to Coach

Frequently asking for permission to coach can build and increase a client's trust. Our job as a transformational coach is to help someone explore her behavior, beliefs, and being. Even after a client is enrolled, we need to remember that sometimes it can be tiring to have someone gently nudging you to reflect and grow. If we frequently and explicitly ask for permission to coach, we remind the client that she is in control of the process and can put the brakes on whenever she needs to.

The following questions are ways to ask for permission:

• I'm wondering if you'd mind sharing some of the challenges you're dealing with?
• Would it be OK if I came to your staff meeting? It might help our work if I could observe the dynamics between teachers.
• Next time we meet, would it be OK to look at some student work?
• I hear that you're really frustrated with your assistant principal. Would you like some coaching on that issue?
• What role would you like me to play at the meeting?
• I'm noticing that you seem upset by my last question. Can we check in on what's coming up for you?

By asking for permission, a coach demonstrates her respect and knowledge of adult learning and emotional intelligence. When we demonstrate our professional competency, a client's trust increases. We can damage our client's trust when we don't have permission and we push too hard. As a coaching relationship deepens and develops, we want to be careful not to overstep trust levels in this area.

Keep Commitments

It can be very tempting early in a relationship with a coachee to make too many promises. Sure, you say, I'll meet for a 7:00 a.m. planning session, then gather materials, do a demonstration lesson, give feedback on a dozen unit plans, make copies, and make calls all by the end of tomorrow. Not only will it be hard to keep this up, but some of these tasks are not really your job.

Clients who are apprehensive about coaching often ask for a coach to prepare or provide tangible things (books, materials, lessons, and the like), perhaps unconsciously testing your trustworthiness and credibility. They explore boundaries—how much can they ask you for? What are you really willing to do for them? While these feelings are understandable, a coach needs to be careful that she doesn't accept too many requests, especially the kind along the margins of what a coach's role should be (such as making copies and making phone calls). Doing those things for people does not change their practice. In addition, when they ask a coach to undertake tasks such as these, some clients feel they are making good use of the coach, but this is actually a way to keep the coach at a distance.

At the same time, gathering materials, curriculum, assessments, and so on can be a way for a coach to demonstrate her usefulness. We often have piles of resources at our fingertips and are eager to share. When we volunteer to be the note taker at a meeting, our value is apparent. However, we have to be careful not to take on too much and end up unable to meet our commitments. It is extremely important that we fulfill the promises we make. It's much better to underpromise and overdeliver than the reverse.

One way to ensure that you can meet your commitments is by writing up a formal agreement with your client. It's always helpful to put things in writing. See Exhibit 5.3 at the end of the chapter for a sample.