Chapter 20
Time for Each Other
In This Chapter
- Being connected takes cooperation
- Exhaustion overrules vibrant relationships
- Men have needs, too
- Making your relationship Job One
Jacqueline Taylor, age 42 and name disguised, is the new chief executive officer of a manufacturing company that produces home security devices. Her responsibilities include heading four divisions, managing six affiliates, maximizing shareholder value, reporting to the board of directors, and keeping the operations profitable. It’s her core belief that the primary way to manage your time most efficiently is to stay completely focused on what you want to accomplish.
An Orderly Existence
Taylor begins work the moment she rises, which is 6:15 sharp every morning. She’s already mapped out the night before what she’ll tackle that morning. She spends the first three hours at home, then proceeds into the office for a 9:15 arrival. She departs from work at the end of the day when she feels satisfied with what she’s accomplished. This could be anywhere from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
In Command and on Course
“I am passionate about my work,” she says, “and ruthless about how I allocate my time. If somebody wants to present a plan that is not in alignment with my objectives, I don’t devote a second to it. I steer them in another direction, don’t schedule a meeting with them, and don’t give them any encouragement.”
“I can’t remember the last time I had a business lunch, because in my mind, they take too huge a chunk out of the middle of your day. Most times, I have a salad and a slice of pizza, or a bowl of soup right in my office. Of course, there are important reasons for connecting with others. I’m not saying that networking is trivial. So I schedule to meet people occasionally for a light dinner after work, or for tea or coffee after that.”
Ms. Taylor, as you might have guessed by now, has never been married and does not have children. By the standards of most, she also has no social life. She doesn’t do errands, she doesn’t shop, and she doesn’t cook. There’s practically no food in her kitchen, and if anybody ever dropped by—although nobody ever would—she’d have nothing to offer them.
She’s got a routine worked out that maximizes her time—one that’s become comfortable for her. (It wouldn’t work for most of us, however.) For us, there are other people, other interests, and other demands beyond our jobs. In this chapter you’ll learn how to make certain that you have the time you need to accommodate all aspects of your life. In particular, we’ll address the dynamics of couples—married or not, with children or not—and discuss how they can carve out some time for each other. In the chapter that follows, we’ll tackle the more involved notion of carving out time while maintaining effective parenting. Focusing on the traditional man-wife couple, let’s first consider common elements of the woman’s perspective.
If You Live Alone, Time Management Is Relatively Easy
It’s relatively easy to manage your time if you choose to live the existence Ms. Taylor lives: no significant other to converse with, make plans with, or accommodate. Sure, you’ll face your work and domestic challenges, but by comparison to those who have a meaningful relationship with someone else, managing one’s time is far less of an issue.
Being Connected with Others Takes Work
Let’s talk turkey. By that, I mean the realities of having a relationship with a significant other. Couples who have a tight relationship continually put energy and effort into it. It doesn’t seem to happen by chance, although some blessed individuals have personal chemistry that seems to jibe with one another to the nth degree. Even among those lucky couples however, if you were to stop and analyze their day-to-day and moment-to-moment communication patterns, you’d see that there’s a high degree of listening, cooperation, and respect for one another’s schedules.
The Allure of Work
Most women today hold a job outside the home in addition to maintaining the brunt of household responsibilities. Studies show that although they’re not likely to ‘fess up to it flat out, many women would rather be at work than at home.
Sociologist Veronica Tichenor from the University of Michigan says that women are actually putting in longer hours at the office than ever “because they enjoy it.” Yet, no matter how many hours they put in and how much money they make, they’re still doing most of the housework because they want to or feel they have to. This includes even top female executives.
It seems that by the mid ’90s, both men and women discovered that work does have its appeal.
Part of the appeal of work is that there are indicators nearly every step of the way to let you know if you’re on track, meeting the quota, or turning a profit. You get evaluations, you get performance appraisals, you get raises, you get promotions. What corollary is there in your home life? How do you know when you’re a good partner, spouse, or lover?
What You Need Is a Wife
Some working women come to the conclusion that they would have a wonderful life if they had the equivalent of a “traditional wife” who stayed at home, kept the house in order, took care of the kids, cooked the meals, and handled all the errands. This is only an alternative for the ultra-rich; however, most women still do the housework, no matter how demanding or exhausting their work might be.
Many women confided to Tichenor that regardless of their achievements in the workplace, they still feel a strange and strong need to be regarded as excellent homemakers. If you’re a woman, you probably already know and feel this on many levels. If you’re a man, I hope you read this section closely, because it’s going to be the key to your carving out time for one another.
Chronos Says “A woman’s responsibility for her family is a 24-hour task. Her time plan is a plan for living. There must be time allowance for the necessary work of the household, such as food preparation, serving, cleaning, and laundering. Family obligations, however, do not cease with the completion of the technical work of the home. There are children to be trained, supervised and enjoyed; the interests and activities of other adults in the family group must be shared; time for civic interests as well as for social activities and obligations must enter into the larger concept of time management for the housewife.”—Irma Gross and Mary Lewis, Home Management (1938).
Many women fall into this syndrome, but as Irma Gross and Mary Lewis recounted back in 1938 in the book Home Management, “ . . . the wise homemaker still will not let the interests listed above make such inroads upon her time as to unbalance her living in terms of health and personal development.” They recommend that there be “time for rest, sleep, recreation and hospitality, together with sufficient leisure to pursue some phase of living that will keep her emotionally stable and intellectually alert.”
Stamped into Their Souls
This 1938 book admonished its female readers that if their housekeeping was too disorganized, it could “interfere with the development of the various members of the family and their happiness of association.”
From this—and a ton of other books and studies one could dredge up from 1938, before, and even after—it’s easy to see why women have an ingrained notion that they have sole responsibility for the utter and complete management of the household. And while they appreciate any help others provide, regardless of what else is going on in their life, they often regard the state of their home as akin to the state of their being. (Guys, are you reading closely?)
A Little Cheating Never Hurts
In recent years, particularly among executive women, there’s been movement towards maintaining outside services to help manage the household. Among those who can afford it, there’s less reticence to bringing in a nanny, a cleaning crew, a gardener, a window-washer, and various delivery services. Women today buy prepared food for a dinner party, whereas in previous years they’d never think of it.
You already know my view on using outside services! Use them to the max! Where is it written that your guests will leave unsatisfied because your food was catered rather than personally prepared by you? Come on! Where is it written that paying someone else to take care of a task you’d prefer not to do, and to free up hours for you in which you could earn more per hour than the person you’re paying, is somehow unholy?
Take Your Pick: Me or the Rest of the World
In 1990, when I was writing my 18th book, Breathing Space: Living and Working at a Comfortable Pace in a Sped Up Society, I made the strong suggestion that the crunch of too many things competing for one’s time and attention was actually keeping couples apart from one another. Now, a decade later, it’s abundantly clear that that’s the case!
All the tasks, attention-diverters, and stimuli in your external environment, all but guarantee that you’ll have nothing left for your partner. You can be physically there, you can talk the talk, and you can go through the motions, and you can even semi-deceive yourself that you’re succeeding.
A Stitch in Time If you’re in a committed relationship, every time you accomplish something through delegation, through reliance upon the services and efforts of others, you potentially free yourself up on both a physical and emotional realm to be more of a partner to your partner. Got that, pardner?
To be there, however, in a physical, mental, and emotional sense, and to offer the complete essence of your being, requires that you begin to disengage from the mountains of minutia that are already over-complicating and glutting the lives of most adults in society.
Time Out! Do you really want to be with anyone when you’re exhausted? Do you want to be with a partner who’s exhausted? If you’re both exhausted, will that be of value to either of you?
Overwhelmed and Emotionally Spent
The highest divorce rates on earth are generally in the more complex, technically sophisticated societies. It doesn’t take some enchanted reasoning to understand that the nuances of what it takes to fan the flames of a relationship can’t be given short shrift. It can’t be afforded only the remnants of what’s left of you after the over-information society has buffeted you for yet another day.
Anyone for a Deck Chair?
Taking traditional and minuscule measures to free up some of your time and being, such as occasionally retaining outside help, is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. It’s been a while since you had meaningful time for and with each other, and if you feel the integrity of your relationship slowly starting to unravel—and if you value your relationship highly—to stay with the sea analogy, it’s time to launch all ships.
- Delegate any task you possibly can.
- Let go of perfectionistic standards that keep you mopping floors when you should be making love.
- Carve out at least a few minutes of uninterrupted time for each other every day—and several hours every weekend.
- Ask for help.
- Turn off the TV an hour earlier than normal, or don’t turn it on to begin with.
- Schedule dates on your calendar.
- If both of your jobs allow for it, schedule unhurried lunches.
- Take 10-minute walks together after dinner.
- Leave nice notes around the house.
- Read a joke book together.
Men and Relationships
In many ways, the 1990s was a decade of male-bashing. Males were seen as:
- Neanderthals
- Hot-blooded animals
- Uncouth detractors of society
- War-mongers
- Pumped-up athletes
- Exploiters of women
- Child-support deadbeats
- All of the above
In some circles, including male circles, men are regarded as the fundamental reason why societies are breaking down. After all, men aren’t interested in relationships, raising children, or staying for the long haul. Men have a good time and then they leave. Let’s face it, you can’t trust men. If you find one you can trust, you’re among the lucky few.
What About My Needs?
The problem with the above kind of banter, beyond the obvious, is that it presupposes that an entire sex is wrong! From an evolutionary, biological, and cosmic perspective, how can a sex be wrong? Men have needs, men have aspirations, men have desires. A man in a relationship has needs, aspirations, and desires.
Seeing Each Other Anew
I had the opportunity to counsel three couples as part of a feature story to be run on the front page of the USA Today lifestyle section. One of the couples was a minister and wife. The wife lamented that with the growing congregation the minister tended to, she had less and less time to spend with him. Even Friday and Saturday evenings, which traditionally had been date nights for them, were now taken up by the minister’s routine visits to sick or hospitalized members of the congregation.
Most of the minister’s visits lasted only 20 minutes, but by the time he got back, the magic of the evening was on the wane. I suggested a tactic to them that they found to be curious but rich with potential.
A Return to Date Night
Hereafter, she would accompany him in the car on Friday and Saturday evenings whenever he called upon the sick. Because most of his visits were 18–20 minutes in length, she could literally sit in the car and read a magazine or listen to the radio or tape player while he made his visit. When he was through and got back into the car, they were both there, dressed and ready to go. The night was still young and held great potential.
I caught up with them several months after they put this plan into practice. It worked from the first Friday evening on.
Seeing Hidden Opportunities
By examining the responsibilities and activities of your partner, actually comparing calendars, and applying a high dose of creative thinking, you may surprise yourself as to the amount and quality of time you can carve out for one another.
I had a girlfriend who was studying for the CPA exam. Her preferred method of studying was to go to a university library, with all her books and paraphernalia and a few snacks. She’d find a big table in the corner and camp out for hours. In the past, this was a lonely if necessary undertaking for her. Few of her previous boyfriends found this to be enticing. I, on the other hand, thought this was pretty close to heaven. I was always working on new outlines for speeches and researching for books and articles.
Oh, what fun to be able to go to the library with someone who was equally intent on getting a whale of a lot of work done, while being together. We would work for 50 minutes and then take 10-minute breaks walking and talking. Then we’d get back to work and repeat the process. When it was done, we’d go out for pizza. I got more done during those sessions than I’d ever have imagined. She passed her CPA exam, on her first try!
The Relationship Is Job One
Everything discussed in this chapter thus far leads to the fundamental notion that, for a relationship to work in these harried times, it must be the most important element in each partner’s life. If the relationship comes in second to work, chances are that the vibrancy of the relationship will dwindle.
Uh-Oh for Gung-Ho’s?
If you’re a gung-ho, world-beating, career-climbing overachiever, this doesn’t mean you have to mute any of your goals or aspirations, or be something you weren’t intending to be. Plot your career strategy in the context of being in a committed relationship. This will work, and by jove, the most successful people on the planet routinely have strong and committed relationships. It’s no coincidence. They draw strength and sustenance from this relationship. Many report that it actually gives them a sense of freedom.
Conceived in Heaven, Actualized on Earth
What are the hallmarks of a relationship in which couples steadfastly make time for each other without ignoring the other aspects of their lives? Foremost is respect for each other. During the early part of a relationship, when you’re in rapture with one another, it’s easy to show high levels of respect. After all, you’re practically bending over backward to be on your best behavior.
Once the initial rush is past (or the honeymoon is over)—and for some people this can be 18–24 months or longer,—many partners begin taking each other for granted. This is so even if one had sought the right relationship for years!
Here are some ideas on how respect is played out among couples who intend to make time for each other:
- When some time opens up for one partner, the other partner is immediately called to see if there’s a match in terms of available time with each other. The relationship continues to come first. They don’t broad-brush over differences, but work toward an understanding. The longer they are together as a couple, the more adept they become at this.
- They go out of their way to ensure that they understand one another. They talk, debate, or argue until they’ve cleared up an issue.
A Stitch in Time
Try what other successful couples do at close of day: Each recaps what the other did that was particularly pleasing. “I greatly appreciated your coming to the office to drop off the package.” Or, “I like the way you cheered me up when nothing seemed to be going right for me earlier today.”
- They continually validate each other, telling each other what they appreciate about one another, finding the good in one another, and positively reinforcing one another as often as they can.
- All the while, they acknowledge and recognize each other for the little things that each of them does. They also express their appreciation in no uncertain terms.
- They are reassuring to one another. They have learned to accept each other’s weaknesses. They know that no partner comes without weaknesses, and while it’s easy to love the facets about someone else that please us, accepting the whole person is a much more challenging task.
- They’re devoted to one another. They don’t allow other people to come between them; in fact, when approached by outside potential partners, they end that relationship and then report the occurrence to their mate.
- They convey a strong sense of caring. They leave notes to each other all over the place. They send e-mail messages, leave phone messages, and leave unannounced, small gifts in odd locations so that the partner encounters them when it’s least expected.
Time Out!
Do you know anyone who professes to be in a committed relationship but in reality has given it short shrift? Take a good, honest look at yourself—if this description fits you, it’s time to reorganize your priorities before your relationship is damaged.
- They recognize that no matter how busy they are with their careers and other activities, keeping the relationship alive takes work. Each is committed to devoting the time and energy to keep their relationship alive, and each partner knows it.
Notice how, in this roster, winning couples carve out time and attention for each other almost automatically as they proceed each day. So, when the relationship is foremost in each of the partner’s lives, time for each other materializes in ways that doesn’t happen for couples who knowingly or unknowingly assign secondary status to their relationship.
A Potpourri for Thee
If you’re convinced that you can make time for each other and you’re ready for action, here’s a potpourri of strategies and techniques to get your relationship back on to the high road.
Calling All Baby-Sitters
Start calling everyone in the local community shopper newspaper who advertises baby-sitting services. Also post your own ads. Your assignment is to develop a roster of 8–10 baby-sitters in the local area so that you’re never at a loss for one when you need one. Also enlist grandparents, relatives, and anyone nearby who could possibly serve in the same capacity. You don’t want your relationship and indeed social life to hinge upon your ability to get a baby-sitter on any given evening. That would be dreadful. You want to comfortably be able to rely on a bevy of baby-sitters should you and your spouse feel the need to take the night off.
One Fine Day: Pick an Evening
Set aside one night per week as a mini-date night. This could be having a light workout together, cooking on the grill, strolling through a mall, playing Scrabble or cards, or anything other than watching television or a movie (too much focus on the screen and not on each other).
While the Kids Are Enrolled
If you have children—the topic of the next chapter—plan to have time together while your kids are attending various classes or activities. Plan to drop them off together, spend the first few minutes seeing what they’re doing, then taking off for a walk or whatever, and coming back to be with them for the last few minutes as well.
Encounter an Encounter Group
Investigate some of the local marriage encounter groups popping up in many areas. These are usually weekend affairs in which you’re able to forge stronger marital bonds through improved communication and understanding.
One couple commented that these encounters offer a safe, relaxing, pensive atmosphere that enables couples to talk quietly and privately to each other about their lives and relationship. Neither partner has to feel lonely or bored, and these weekends help to revive the spark and romance.
Bed Down at a Bed and Breakfast
Married with children or not, head for a bed and breakfast every couple months to renew your spirits. Such lodgings are available in almost every county throughout the country. They usually charge less per night than a hotel and offer quieter, more intimate surroundings.
Accent the Little Things
Many family therapists agree that having mom and dad head off for a weekend to have some time together is actually healthy for children. Kids need to know that their mom and dad can have fun together, without them.
If you simply can’t get away, or don’t want to, make a big deal out of walking by the lake, playing some favorite songs, having a picnic in the backyard, thumbing through your photo albums, going to brunch at that four-star hotel, or even making something together such as furniture.
Rediscover the Holidays
The next time Valentine’s Day, Memorial Day, or even Columbus Day rolls around, rediscover the fun you had as a kid, and share it with your significant other. On Valentine’s Day, cut out hearts and creatively inscribe them. On Memorial Day, visit a grave site, a historical place, or a monument to those who made the ultimate sacrifice. On Columbus Day, or any other of the lesser-celebrated holidays, get into the spirit of what originally made that day special.
Establish Non-holiday Family Traditions
Don’t just celebrate birthdays, celebrate birthdays! Also, do something very special for your anniversary, or the anniversary of the initiation of your relationship, the anniversaries of graduations, promotions, relocations, and special achievements in each of your lives. Mark these on both your calendars way in advance, so there’s sufficient notice that these special occasions will be treated as such.
Only for the Brave
Here is a strategy that’s certainly not for everyone, but it’s worth mentioning. According to the U.S. Small Business Administration, a husband and wife are co-owners or have roughly equal roles in directing operations in 800,000 small companies throughout the United States. For such couples, their marriage and their business become the cornerstones of their lives.
Most couples in such arrangements agree that while starting and flourishing within a business is difficult, it’s that much more difficult when your spouse is your equal partner. Hence, you learn to compromise quickly, communicate on the highest of levels, drive over the road blocks, and move on.
Upping the Stakes
It’s even more challenging if you run the business out of your home. Nevertheless, for some couples, this is just what the relationship doctor ordered. It’s okay if your business is 90 percent of your lives, just as long as you don’t make it 100 percent. Couples who successfully operate businesses learn to create boundaries for themselves, develop outside interests, and establish independent identities however often they are together throughout the week.
One business counselor denotes that such couples can create unwritten but highly effective operating guidelines that enable their relationship to flourish despite the additional challenges they assume in running a business.
On the Fly
Many couples in love and in business prefer, however, to simply deal with what comes up on the fly. The ebb and flow of being in a relationship and making a go of a business venture requires a high degree of flexibility. One entrepreneur confesses that if he and his spouse would have to write everything down between them, their business would come to a standstill.
If such an arrangement sounds a little risky, take heart. I know more than a dozen couples involved in their own business venture, and all are doing quite well. In fact, in most cases, the success of the business far exceeds what either one of them could have achieved on their own. With business success comes profits, and from that often comes the ability to travel, buy creature comforts, and endow each other in special ways.
Who knows? You might like it.
The Least You Need to Know
- If you’re alone, it’s relatively easy to manage your time.
- Most women today hold a job outside the home in addition to maintaining the brunt of household responsibilities. Many accept domestic help when offered but still want to stay in control.
- As a potentially successful partner to another person, are you willing to learn about your partner’s needs, aspirations, and desires? To what degree are you willing to meet them?
- Hidden opportunities to be together exist no matter what workload one or both partners face.
- Celebrate the occasions in your lives, big and small, at every opportunity.