One of the many ways that our thoughts influence how we feel and behave is through the things we say to ourselves. These internal conversations are the mechanisms that allow us to bring to consciousness the appraisals we make and the expectations we have. The statements we make to ourselves precede, accompany, or follow the things we feel and are directly linked to them. If you believe that criticism is negative, then it is a sure thing that when you are being criticized, you are talking negatively to yourself.
''This is worse than I thought,'' ''When will he be finished?'' ''He's going to fire me next''—statements that probably sound familiar to you—are common statements that people say to themselves when they are being criticized. Not only do these self-statements reflect your negative concept of criticism, but more to the point, they make it impossible for you to be receptive to what is being said. In fact, your self-statements are making the situation much worse. To counteract this negative trend, you must develop the skill of listening to yourself.
Being able to listen to yourself will allow you to monitor exactly what you are saying to yourself when you are criticized (and when you are giving criticism). As you become better and better at listening to yourself, you will be able to pay better attention to your self-statements. You can then examine your thoughts to see if they are helping you or hurting you. With this awareness, you can begin to modify them to help you become more receptive to the criticisms you receive. In effect, you will be using your self-statements as instructions that will guide you through the criticism process.
A good way to practice this tip is to set aside five minutes a day in a quiet environment and to sit back and listen to the internal conversation that is currently going on in your mind. Pay attention to how fast your thoughts are and whether you talk in the first or third person. Imagine yourself to be listening to someone else's phone conversation. Your goal is to familiarize yourself with how you talk to yourself.
Listening a few minutes each day for at least a week will be a tremendous boost to your skill in hearing yourself talk. You will soon note that in many situations—while playing sports, listening to your partner, standing in line at a movie— you are paying attention to your internal thoughts. This awareness is what allows you to use your thoughts productively.
Once you have become used to hearing yourself, you can begin to focus on what you say to yourself when someone criticizes you. Chances are, you will find that your internal conversations at such times are filled with destructive messages that not only make the situation worse but also are not true.
These statements—those that you hear yourself saying when you are being criticized—will tend to be habitual; how you talk to yourself when your boss is criticizing you on Monday is apt to be the same as when he criticizes you on Friday.
Inevitably, because of the frequent replaying of the tape, your thoughts (when you are criticized) come more and more quickly, until they seem to occur without any prior reasoning or reflection. They have become automatic thoughts.
Your automatic thoughts usually have the following characteristics:
They are often irrational. Surely an employee who is told that her work needs to improve and thinks ''I'm a failure'' is being irrational.
They are almost always believed by you. Even though many automatic thoughts are irrational, you usually accept them as true. Rarely do you tend to evaluate or challenge them.
They usually are brief in form. A rising executive may say ''Zip'' to tell himself that he will not get another top assignment.
Your automatic thoughts tend to accumulate, acting as cues for other thoughts. One depressing thought may trigger a whole chain of depressing thoughts. (Here is an example of an automatic thought that typically arises when a boss criticizes a subordinate. Automatic thought: Blew it. Really means: I screwed up this assignment. My boss thinks I'm stupid. There goes my promotion. What will my family say? They will leave me.)
The problem is that these thoughts occur in a split second; because they seem to be automatic, we rarely take the time to acknowledge their destructive content. Instead, we quickly become defensive about the criticism.
When you can listen to how you talk to yourself, you will be able to pick up the counterproductive thoughts that you have early in the criticism process and use them as a cue: You need to talk to yourself differently, in a way that helps you listen to the criticism and to be more receptive.
I recommend the technique of counterpunching. It is based on the idea that your counterproductive critical thoughts are mental punches that you inflict on yourself. Inevitably you become senseless. Like the boxer, you need to fight back; you need to counterpunch by matching every counterproductive statement you make when you are being criticized or about to be criticized with a rational comeback, a statement that helps you keep things in perspective so that you are able to act in a more productive manner. For example, if you hear yourself saying, ''He's out to get me,'' counterpunch by saying, ''How do I really know that? He's just telling me how to do better.'' If you catch yourself saying, ''I'm a failure,'' counterpunch with, ''Just because I didn't do something well doesn't mean I am a failure. I will learn so I can do it better.'' Your counterpunching will allow you to eliminate the destructive messages that you hear when you are criticized and free you to hear the criticism with a more open mind so that you can decide rationally whether it is valid.
A good way to train yourself in counterpunching is to write down the destructive statements that you hear yourself making when you are criticized. Next to each one, prepare a counterpunch statement that you can use if need be. Knowing your counterpunches in advance will make it easier to talk to yourself rationally, even when the critic is destructive.
Similarly, for those situations in which you know you are likely to be criticized, write down several instructional self-statements that tell you how to act productively:
Stick to the issues.
Listen to what he says.
I can learn from this situation.
Take a deep breath and sit back.
Using self-statements like these is effective because they control your emotional arousal, guide your behavior in productive directions, prevent you from getting sidetracked, and give you confidence that you can cope with the criticism. In short, learning to listen to yourself helps you hear the power of positive criticism.