In this chapter, you will learn why it is important to be self-confident when managing men and how to own the room when you walk into it. After you have read this chapter, you will be able to communicate better with the men you lead and promote yourself without being obnoxious.
We'll cover:
- How to be assertive
- How to communicate with men
- How to promote yourself without being obnoxious
Women are often afraid to speak up and be assertive because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings. In Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, Lois Frankel says:
"What women need to understand is that the fear of being seen as "not nice" or "bitchy" comes from social messages about how they should behave. The vast majority of women could be more assertive and still be far from bitchy in reality."
This chapter will teach you how to assert yourself as a smart, confident woman around the men you manage.
Assertiveness is an easy way to quickly gain respect from the men on your team and it can help men become more confident in you. Men respect a woman who speaks her mind and challenges others. Men want to hear your voice because you have different strengths than them and you bring a different viewpoint to the team. Men also expect interruptions because that is what they are used to when they are around other men. Therefore, your assertiveness won't be seen as overbearing (or bitchy!).
When you waver or ask for reassurance, you lose trust and respect. If you sweat, your team sweats. If you simply go along with what other people say, you lose credibility.
There is a woman that I work with who intimidates men because of how assertive she is in meetings. Even though the men are scared of her, they also respect her because she asks intelligent questions and knows her stuff. She is not afraid to challenge a man, is focused on her big picture goal, and never backs down.
On the other hand, I also work with a woman who is very assertive but asks dumb questions. She has lost respect from all of the men she works with because of her lack of understanding. Be aware that being assertive isn't the only goal; it is being assertive and smart.
You have to act self-confident even if you aren't really feeling it. If you aren't confident in yourself, why should anyone else believe you? According to Dr. Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable Women Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It, says that women need to:
"Make it a skill to wing it."
Here are some ways that you can be assertive AND smart:
- Gather as much information as possible before a meeting so that you have all your thoughts ready to present.
- Practice role-playing with a friend or co-worker beforehand.
- Don't wait for an opportunity to talk. Practice being the first to speak.
- Start small. Practice being assertive by asking for that discount on your grocery bill. Once you succeed, you will be more confident the next time you challenge someone.
- Asking a question is an easy way to assert yourself because it usually doesn't make the other person feel bad.
- Identify the situations where you will most likely have trouble speaking up. Think about what you want to say and why you are scared to say it. Then, think of what the worst thing is that could happen if you say it. You probably have nothing to lose.
- Instead of telling someone that you think they are wrong, try offering suggestions to soften the blow.
Whatever you do, think about the big picture goal. If you hurt someone's feelings, it might last for a day or two, but your big picture goal is what is most important. Besides, most men get over things a lot faster than women.
Setting your limits from day one as a manager will help you to stay assertive. You want to communicate your expectations on day one because then you and your employees are all on the same page. You can then be assertive if someone doesn't perform up to your expectations.
I teach a career development course for college students and I set my expectations on the first day of class. When a student tries to submit a late assignment a few weeks into the course, I can be assertive and say that I don't accept late assignments according to the expectations we went over the first night in class. Without those expectations being delivered up front, I would not have any ground to stand on to assert myself and my requirements.
Here are some ways to set your limits as a manager:
- If you are starting with a new team, set up a meeting to introduce yourself and let them know your expectations on the very first day.
- If you have a new person entering your team, hold a one-to-one meeting with them as soon as possible to communicate your expectations.
- Have a written document that a new employee has to review that clearly outlines your requirements so that you can always reference it if there are questions.
If you don't communicate what you expect from your team from the beginning, it will be harder to communicate with a male employee if he doesn't do something the way you like. Men will respond better when they know the instructions they should follow. Set your limits from the beginning and you will be able to assert yourself more easily.
Did you know that you can assert yourself around men without even saying a word? You can actually assert yourself just by your presence when entering a room.
Your goal is to be noticed when you walk into a room; not for being attractive, but for being well put together professionally so you demand respect. Here are some ways that you can assert yourself without saying a word:
- Pay attention to your posture. Keep your back straight and head up. You want to be seen as equal to a man.
- Don't cross your arms because it will make you appear angry. Instead, keep your arms open so you look approachable.
- Don't play with your hair. This bad habit is foreign to men and it will make you look like a nervous young girl.
- Before you walk into a room, pause and take a deep breath. Think about how you want to show confidence from the second you enter the room. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the very best, you want to be a 10 the entire time that you are in that room.
- Make sure your dress is professional and appropriate at all times. According to Sarah Ward, owner of Cable Car Couture Image Consulting,
"One thing every professional woman needs to have in her wardrobe is a blazer or jacket. Someone wearing a blazer is going to hold someone's attention longer and is going to appear more credible."
- Look directly in the eyes of the person who is speaking. Never be distracted by your phone or papers. Remember, men want to be listened to.
- Practice active listening by making mental points in your head while someone is speaking. You want to make sure that you have an opinion when the person speaking is done presenting. If you have a hard time remembering, take notes on what you want to say when the presentation is over.
Once you discover how to assert yourself physically, you may be surprised at the attention you receive. I often receive a "Good morning Anna", whereas a man who entered may just receive a nod. This makes it easier to ask a question or make a comment because I was already noticed when I walked in.
Most likely, you are a long way from being overbearing. But, there are some things you want to watch out for when being tough and assertive:
- Never be confrontational, argumentative, or rude.
- Never accuse anyone, interrupt anyone, or talk down to anyone.
- If you feel yourself getting angry, take a five-minute break to cool off. Try your hardest to listen to what others are saying at all times.
Always be patient and respectful, as respect is the one thing that you should stay focused on when challenging others. When someone challenges me disrespectfully, I shut down, and you can't let that happen with the men on your team. Value all of the voices in the room because if employees are scared of you, they won't want to speak up and you will miss out on their great ideas.