CHAPTER 1

Vulnerability and Trust

I always ask my clients to set a current benchmark before starting a new project and I suggest you do the same before reading further. The easiest way to do this is by journaling each time you read, or if possible on a daily basis. Start with a current assessment of your work environment. Do your people appear to be engaged with their work and connected to each other? Is everyone operating at peak performance or is there room for improvement? The more honest you are with your current assessment the better. Moving your business from point A to point B is much easier when both points are clearly defined. Your journaling should include what you are thinking and feeling after each chapter in the book. There are questions for reflection at the end of each chapter to help this process.

Another request I have for you is to read with as open a mind as possible. New coaching clients tend to have an urge to quickly dismiss ideas and thoughts they already know will not work or makes them feel uncomfortable. My experience has taught me, it is the very ideas you disagree with or make you uncomfortable, that create the nexus of change for you going forward.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

Trust and vulnerability are the flip side of the same coin and in order to create a trust based culture, you have to understand the nature of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is used frequently in the context of being weak, frail, fearful, and easily susceptible to attack or injury. That is one definition, but the opposite is true for creating trust. It takes great courage to become emotionally or physically vulnerable to another person(s).

I went to New York State Maritime College in the late seventies. It was at the end of the Vietnam War and returning veterans were not held in high regard. Several of these combat veterans attended school with us but didn’t talk much about their experiences. They felt the general public wasn’t interested in what they had to say. Fortunately, times have changed, veterans are now much more appreciated for their service and willing to write about what it is like to be a soldier under fire.

One recent book, Extreme Ownership, How U.S. Navy Seals Lead and Win by ex-Navy Seals Jocko Willink and Leif Babin stands out to me because the authors write about using military training to enhance business operations. The authors go into detail on how Seal training, planning, and debriefing after every mission can be used in business.

I bring this book up because I want you to visualize and create a mental image of these tough, fearless battle tested warriors working in your office. Being vulnerable to others in this environment would seem unlikely, however, their very success on the battlefield depended on their willingness to be completely vulnerable to their fellow squad members. Each Seal relied on the other to be ready, without hesitation, to give their life for each other. “I’ve got your back” takes on a whole new meaning when you’re being shot at from all directions.

While this is an extreme example of complete vulnerability, imagine the impact that type of trust would have on your working relationships. This is the sense of trust and feeling safe that people want at work. They don’t want to feel open or exposed and want to know that their co-workers will have their back. Who do you feel will be more productive, creative, innovative and industrious at work, someone who feels alone and afraid or a person who feels connected and safe?

This is one of the main reasons I believe trust is the key to unlocking success. Imagine for one moment what that type of personal connectedness could do to achieve your corporate goals? Or, as President Harry Truman once said, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets credit.”

Leaders and Followers

All leaders have two things in common, people who follow and their current situation. CEOs have workers and their everyday challenges. You cannot lead your followers if you don’t understand what motivates them and how to clearly assess the challenges they face. You also face the challenge that no two people in your company are the same. Each one brings all of their personal experiences, biases, filters, and “baggage” to work every day. While it is impossible to understand all the underlying behavioral drivers there are certain common elements.

Fear is probably the most destructive motivator in the workplace. Fear of losing a job, being embarrassed, not being able to do the job, and most importantly the fear of not being physically or emotionally safe. Many laws have been passed in the last several decades to protect workers from physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. However, it saddens me to know that we have to pass legislation to create a safe place to work. But what impact does “safe space” really have on your business? Everything, and I will give you a few examples of emotional drivers you can’t visibly see.

Safe Space

Part of my EMT training is to recognize and report sexual and emotional abuse to the proper authorities when we see it. Training has taught me that one in four women have reported being sexually abused. Women now make up over 50 percent of the workforce. If one in four have been abused that means at least 25 percent of the woman working for you right now have experienced this type of abuse. Imagine for a moment the impact this has on their working relationships?

Abuse of power in the workplace has reached epidemic proportions. Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein are just the tip of the iceberg in one highly visible industry. Women are finally coming out from behind their shame and demand to be heard “we will not tolerate this abuse of power anymore.” The pent-up anger and frustration are now being released and it’s why I believe the “#metoo” movement has caught on like wildfire. It will have long lasting and far-reaching impact on corporate cultures. The abuse of power and the fear it creates kills trust, demotivates workers and causes unnecessary lost productivity

I have been a “trusted advisor,” executive coach, CEO peer group facilitator and business consultant for almost twenty years. I have had the honor and privilege of spending several thousand hours working with people to help them work through the tough issues they face in business and life. My clients are real people with moving stories and I will be using some of my client’s stories (names and some details changed to protect their anonymity) to illustrate the points I want you to remember.

I’ll share one story of abuse and fear from my client Elizabeth. She was a well-educated, articulate executive working her way up the corporate ladder in a large global company. What she didn’t share was the fact that she had been date raped to near death as a younger woman. It took major surgery and several weeks in the hospital to physically recover, but the emotional scars still remained. One day she asked her boss a question about the course of action he was taking to manage a co-worker. Her question must have triggered something in him and he lost it. This six foot seven, 250 lb. man leaned over his desk, pointed his finger in her face and started screaming at her that she had no right to question his actions.

Elizabeth feared for her life, lost all sense of time and the control of her emotions. She was immediately transported to that rape long ago. She started shaking violently, became incontinent, ran out to her car crying and drove home. She was so scared and embarrassed over who might have witnessed this event, she was afraid to go back to work.

Imagine for a minute what her boss’s single act did to her ability to work with him. Elizabeth came to me afraid to speak up for fear of reprisal from her boss. She shared her story and I helped her to create coping skills to keep her composure when not feeling safe. We also documented her case to take to her HR department and filed a complaint. Her boss was eventually let go, but the damage was already done. She no longer felt safe working for this company and left to find a better place to work. She has since gone on to become a vice president and thriving in her new company.

Abuse of trust is not limited to woman. The global cover up of sexual abuse of boys by Roman Catholic Church priests and scout leaders in the Boy Scouts, has shaken our sense of trust to its core. The men in these respected institutions were supposed to be role models of integrity and trust, yet these organizations covered up the abuse for decades. Men as well as women have been too embarrassed to come forward, until now, but their pain and suffering has been carried for a lifetime. Both woman and men want a safe space to work.

More people are being prescribed anti-anxiety medications than ever before to cope with stress. Global revenue is expected to reach close to $17 billion annually for prescribed antidepressants. The negative impact on bottom-line profitability from poor performance, excessive time off, increased turnover and low morale causes businesses in the United States to lose over $210 billion annually (Sifferlin 2017). Every morning your people bring all of these issues with them as they walk through your doors.

Your work environment can ease much of those fears, reduce stress, and increase productivity (Vennie 2017). Some of the things I mention above are visible or self-evident others are not so visible. I’ll bring up one way that your own organizational design possibly creates unnecessary stress. Roles and responsibilities are created to get your work done. What is missing is the authority and level at which each person can make decisions within those roles to get the work done before going to someone else for permission. I have found this one thing has a profound impact on stress levels, work efficiency, and trust. I’ll go into more depth on this later in the book, it is that important.

Trust Is Not Psychological Safety

The concept and use of psychological safety is becoming much more prevalent in business, however while trust and psychological safety may appear to be the same, they are not. There is well-documented research that creates the following distinction. Psychological safety is experienced on a group level. Do your employees feel safe to express themselves, offer suggestions, or provide feedback without fear of rejection or retaliation? (Edmondson 2019, 17) Trust as I expressed earlier goes much deeper, it operates on a relationship level that depends on vulnerability.

At all levels in your business creating safe space through trust can make all the difference in reducing stress and anxiety. The next few sections are going to highlight some other subtle behaviors that decrease efficiency and diminish profitability.

Self-Sabotage—Not Trusting Yourself

I believe self-sabotage could actually be an Olympic event! Around the globe men and women train daily for just the right moment to score a perfect ten in foiling their own plans. This subject alone could keep me in business as an executive coach because it plagues most leaders and followers on a regular basis.

One of the most insidious forms of self-sabotage is holding back, not giving any task your very best for fear of publicly failing or being embarrassed if things don’t go well. This form of self-sabotage shows up in different ways. One classic form of sabotage is perfectionism (Chamine 2012, 19). I’ve seen CEOs:

Is there anything you would have attempted in your life if there was absolutely no fear of embarrassment?

Perfectionism is only one of the many forms of self-sabotage that happens in your business every day. Research has shown people will sabotage their own efforts to bring them to the level of performance where they believe they should be (Shechtman 1998). One of the best examples of self-sabotage I know is the story of Roger Bannister.

Up until 1954 doctors and scientists believed it was impossible for a human being to run a mile in under four minutes. They said the runner’s lungs would collapse and their heart would explode from the exertion. Roger refused to accept their theories believing he could break that barrier. He had no one to train with as no runner had done this before. He devised a plan to keep pace with the four best quarter mile runners he could find. He ran one lap around the track with each pace runner to keep up his speed. On May 6, 1954 he ran a mile in 3 minutes, 59.4 seconds and lived. It only took 46 days for the next runner to break his record. Runners no longer worried about their health in breaking the four-minute mile. Now they had a new goal of beating the last fastest time. Are there any self-limiting beliefs you believe to be true about your business?

This is another reason why creating safe space at work is so important. It allows your employees to be more vulnerable, and less inclined to hold back for fear of embarrassment or retaliation.

Self-Sabotage—Not Trusting Others

A CEO friend of mine referred me to an employee named Lilly. She was bright, educated, and well-spoken. She worked hard, but was struggling in her position. Even with all of her skills she had trouble working with others. This issue was affecting her overall performance and limiting her ability to be promoted.

Lilly preferred to work on her own because she always got her work done. Her team projects, however, never turned out well. Lilly blamed her co-workers for not keeping up with her, and the other employees complained of her lack of leadership. Her boss believed she just needed some work on her interpersonal skills, and sent her to me for coaching.

Executive coaching requires a high degree of trust between myself and the other person(s) involved. I have to create a safe space where my clients feel comfortable enough to share what was going on for them. There can be no judgment or assumptions, trust between people cannot be forced or coerced: it evolves.

Lilly was hesitant to discuss her workplace challenges. She was hurt, upset, and angry at being singled out for “coaching.” She viewed the coaching as punishment and wanted to “fix” whatever the problem was so she could get back to work. I assured her I didn’t assume she was “broken,” so there was no need to “fix” her.

Business owners tend to be “fixers,” identify the problem and fix it so you can move on. Digging into issues quickly usually results in symptoms being corrected but not the underlying causes. It works the same way with people. Dig into them too quickly and the armor goes on. I usually start by talking about subjects that are considered safe—where you grew up, what were your parents and siblings like, hobbies, and so on. Topics that don’t require a lot of vulnerability to share. This breaks the ice and builds some rapport. Creating safe space is more important than quickly digging into the possible reasons why Lilly’s team projects didn’t go well.

Small talk was difficult for Lilly, she wanted to get on with whatever needed to be done so she could go back to work. I asked her how long it would take her to realize that doing things the same way would not yield different results. Rational thinking was important to Lilly and that message got through. She got it and decided it was in her best interest to work with me than be angry about it.

Lilly shared that she grew up in a household where her father worked three jobs and was rarely home. Her mother was a perfectionist who wanted everything in the house, including the children, to be perfect. Her mom’s expressions of love came in the form of perpetual criticism. Everything could be better, and personal choice was nonexistent. Her father didn’t realize the effect his wife’s critical comments were having on the kids. He was just too tired after working all day to notice. Lilly grew up desperately trying to be perfect to avoid her mother’s criticism and gain her father’s affection. As a result, the adult Lilly had little patience for those who were not up to speed. She didn’t feel emotionally safe anywhere and kept her feelings to herself. Putting on her armor made life easier for herself but very difficult for those around her to connect with her.

Lilly didn’t realize she had a real distrust of people and their feelings, or the importance of connecting with others to work effectively. In her mind she didn’t need relationships to get ahead—she felt she could do it on her own. All she had to do was get her education, work hard, stay focused and all would be well. She didn’t need input from others and was quick to judge them. What Lilly failed to grasp is even a one-person business still requires building relationships even if it is only with clients and vendors. Her current beliefs about trust and relationships were causing major self-sabotage to her career.

Lilly had an internal battle going on, even when complimented by others she was always waiting for the criticism to follow. Criticism was a way of life for her. She was so predisposed to it she was extremely sensitive to any hint of negativity in conversation.

A Turning Point

For Lilly, the first step was for her to acknowledge that her current beliefs were a form of self-sabotage and holding her back. This was a tough for her, it meant she wasn’t perfect. But Lilly was exhausted from being at odds with her co-workers and didn’t know what to do about it. Once she became aware of her self-sabotaging beliefs, the next crucial step was to break this cycle. Criticism and distrust had become a way of life for her and familiarity makes you feel safe.

To break the cycle she had to stop making assumptions about other people and situations. I showed her how judgment shuts down discernment and critical thinking! I’ll talk more about that later. Her fear of not having the answer forced her to make assumptions instead of asking questions. Asking great questions is an incredibly powerful tool for building relationships and connecting with others. Lilly and I turned her “know it all” mentality into asking thoughtful questions instead. She no longer needed to be right to protect her ego.

It took time for Lilly to break this habit and lower her armor. Connecting with co-workers was still awkward at first, but once they realized she was sincere in her efforts they warmed up to her. Once she started connecting she saw the very noticeable positive results from her team projects and she no longer feared not having the answer. Now, instead of being criticized, she has been commended for making others on her team feel important and empowered. Her team has now become the role model for others in her company.

Self-Deception and Trust

Self-deception are the lies you tell yourself or the justifications you use when a choice you make goes against your internal core values. Sometimes the deception is consciously made and other times you don’t even realize you are doing it (The Arbinger Institute 2010). Either way it is still a form of self-sabotage and can become an unconscious habit of lying to yourself. I know, I used to do it, a lot.

Years ago I was going through a very rough time. I had decided to merge my existing business in with another firm. Within a short time I realized the other business owner had very low standards for personal values and ethics. Even after I knew I had made a very bad choice I kept telling myself I could make it work. Well, I was dead wrong and I couldn’t believe what happened next. I had just returned from Florida after visiting with my dad who was dying of lung cancer. I barely got in the door when he accused me of unethical behavior and forced me out of the business. He cut off my paycheck and kept all the clients I had brought with me without paying for them. Overnight, I found myself out on the street, working as a hired CEO and doing overnight shifts as an EMT to keep the roof over my family’s head and food on our table. I had been lying to myself to justify the poor choice I had made in trusting the wrong person. That choice cost me and my family years of hard work and a lot of money, or as my daughter put it “we were broke but not broken.”

Ultimately, I had to confront the facts. I didn’t do enough research into the character of the person or the ethics in his business dealings. It was tough to swallow but I channeled my anger into the impetus to put pen to paper and write about trust. I share this because I believe none of us are immune from lying to ourselves to avoid taking ownership of poor choices. You lose your integrity by not admitting your mistakes and make a better decision to correct it. This topic is so important I will bring it up time and time again in this book. The ability to move beyond self-deception and justification will help create a platform for creating an environment of trust and connect all your stakeholders.

Thoughts for Reflection

Please add more in your own journal.