CHAPTER 3

Is Trust Given or Earned?

The giving and receiving of trust is probably one of the most precious interactions between you and another person. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for trust to be accepted with the same reverence it is offered.

I was talking to my friend Keith about a few of the challenges he faced with his staff. The floor managers reporting to him didn’t work well together. One manager would come to him complaining about another rather than talking directly to that person. He said the level of distrust on the production floor was causing unnecessary friction, production delays, upsetting clients and inhibiting Keith’s efforts to streamline the production process.

Keith is a production expert and hired to fix the manufacturing issues the CEO knew he was having but didn’t know what was causing them. Keith had no idea when he arrived how toxic the culture on the production floor had been for years. As an expert Keith knows changing a process can often mean changing people and there were several he wanted to let go. The CEO however was hesitant to fire anyone because the plant was located in a rural town with a small employee pool to choose from.

Our conversation about the distrust between co-workers and with the management, slowly morphed into a discussion about the deeper meaning of trust and the “which came first, the chicken or egg” question of “Is trust given or is it earned?” Keith said without hesitation “You have to earn my trust before I’m willing to give it to you.”

I thought about this for a moment and asked him, “What would it take for me to earn your trust?”

He responded, “I am not absolutely sure but I will know when it happens.”

I told him I don’t read minds well, “If you can’t tell me, how am I supposed to know?”

Keith looked pained as said “Come on Russ, you’re a smart guy, you know what it takes to earn someone’s trust.”

Pushing even further, I asked, “Would you be able to write down a list of what I have to do to earn your trust so I don’t have to make assumptions?”

“Probably not,” Keith replied.

“Even if you could create a list, do you think it would ever be complete?” I asked.

“I doubt it,” he said again.

Giving and Earning Trust

The late Jack Welch, former CEO of GE was asked for his definition of trust, Jack said “You know it when you feel it” (Covey 2008, p. 5). His answer gives me no insight into his thinking because no two people are going to feel or describe trust the same way. I ask clients “Is trust earned or given?” when trust issues in a relationship are apparent. The overwhelming response is that trust needs to be earned. Earning trust is a misnomer, I have to be trustworthy in another person’s viewpoint before they will give me their trust. I may believe I am trustworthy, but until the other person agrees their trust will be withheld. All my years of working with others has taught me this misconception about giving and earning trust has created countless misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and broken relationships.

Remember, your concept of trust is very personal and more emotional than logical. Have you ever felt uneasy or distrustful of someone who doesn’t feel the same way you do about politics, religion, disciplining children, money, or even pets? I remember hearing one individual at civic meeting say “I could never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs, they’re just not nice people!” I know it sounds shallow and judgmental, but that thinking goes on inside many people all the time.

Creating Your List

If you want some insight into your own feelings, create your own personal list of what it would take for me to earn your trust using the format in Table 3.1 below. Write down any words, actions, or movements (even tone of voice, body language, facial hair, tattoos, etc.) that provoke feelings of “safe” or “unsafe.”

Table 3.1 Safe–Unsafe Table

Be brutally honest with yourself here. The safe list could include skin color, religion, politics, hobbies, right down to who loves dogs. The unsafe list could simply be the opposite of those things—different skin color or religion, or loves cats but not dogs (dog lover is on my safe list). I want to increase your awareness about things that makes you feel one way or the other. It could be past experiences or social conditioning. It doesn’t matter what the back story is, just write it down. List them side by side as I have done in the table and save your list for future reference. You will need this for creating an environment of trust with your staff and they will have their own lists as well.

Understand, that even if another person appears to do everything on your “safe” list, it does not mean you must automatically trust them! The choice to give your trust must be a conscious one made for the appropriate reasons. Too many people place their need for connectedness over discerning first if the other person(s) is trustworthy. Don’t rush and also don’t be silent about the depth of trust you want in your relationship. Personal power comes from clarity on what behavior you will and will not accept in your life.

Familiarity Makes You Feel Safe

Recognizing patterns is one of your body’s oldest early warning systems, is this person or situation safe or dangerous? Can I be hurt or die? Can I trust them or not? In his international bestseller, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, the renowned psychologist and winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics, describes how the amygdala (the little walnut-sized part of our brain) is incredibly efficient at pattern recognition. As you see a pattern start to unfold, you quickly determine if the pattern is unleashing something that can hurt you or that you can trust. Every day, all day long, we are constantly assessing people and situations to remain safe. Later in the book I will show you how to change patterns or conversations that may be sending out the wrong message.

Pattern recognition comes in the form of things people do to or for us. It can be a series of small gestures or larger more pronounced acts (Brown 2018, p. 32). On some level, you keep the plus and minus scores in your mind for the people you know. A check goes in the plus column each time someone is supportive, compassionate, or keeps your secrets, and so on. A minus is given when they gossip about you, are disrespectful, mean or negative in some other way.

Employees notice patterns of behavior in you, co-workers, vendors, and clients. They do it without even thinking, and judge what they hear or see. Patterns of integrity, honesty, and trustworthiness go in the plus column while patterns of manipulation, lying, pandering, and dishonesty go on the minus side.

Another very important pattern for discussion in this section revolves around employee concepts of fairness. The topic of being fair comes up over and over again for debate in the CEO groups I run. Employees do not equate fairness with how management is treating them, but how they feel management is treating everyone else around them. Employees instantly recognize perceived patterns of personal favoritism, special treatment of certain people of divisions and C-Suite executives taking care of themselves while the staff suffers. These perceptions are reinforced by assumptions and gossip in the informal networks and are toxic in any company.

Plus and minus patterns can show up in the formal and informal communications and behaviors within your company. The formal part resides in company policies and procedures, how we are supposed to do things. The informal side is what employees observe and emulate in “how we really do things around here.” This includes inside politics, gossip, power plays, and all the other dramas that occur whenever a group of people are put together. The greater the gap between the formal and the informal communications will determine the degree of integrity and trust felt within your company. The closer the alignment, the higher the trust.

In 2016 the financial world was rocked by the news that employees of the esteemed 165-year-old Wells Fargo Bank had been opening accounts in clients’ names without those clients’ consent or knowledge. According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, “employees opened more than 2 million unauthorized accounts, sticking customers with almost $2.5 million in fees.” The author also notes Wells Fargo “had a 37-page ‘Vision and Values’ brochure that explains, at length, how the bank puts its customers first. The document uses the word ‘trust’ 24 times” (Staley 2016). At the time, Wells Fargo was the 4^th largest bank in the world. Thirty-seven pages of written values had little impact on preventing managers and employees from being pressured to cross-sell accounts, get the numbers up or else. As many as 5,300 employees lost their jobs over this and Wells Fargo is still trying to regain trust in the marketplace. The gap between the formal and informal communication was as wide as the Grand Canyon.

How Others See You

Next, I want you to focus on the conscious patterns you can create in your thoughts, words, and deeds that will allow others to feel they can trust you. Remember, as quickly as you are sizing up another person, they are doing the same to you! They too have their own “safe/unsafe” list and you can’t control what is on it. Trying to get them to trust you generally has the opposite effect. You can’t be all things to all people, so stop trying. Just be trustworthy.

So, what does that really mean? Most people want to feel that they are trustworthy. I mean, who doesn’t? Let me ask you, have you ever:

Little White Lies

Being trustworthy means you must decide what you will and will not accept in your own behavior. Are little white lies told to protect others’ feelings acceptable? The broader the range in your definition of what is acceptable, the harder it becomes for you to draw a line in the sand on what it means to be trustworthy. Everything becomes a “gray” area and ambiguity makes most people uneasy. That leads to not feeling safe and distrust sets in.

I will use an example of little white lies to show how you can change perspective, become more honest in your expressions, compassionate with others’ feelings, and build trust. Some may argue that you should just express your “truth” without worrying about how it is received. Your “truth” however is not fact, it is only your opinion being expressed as a fact and that’s judgment, not “truth.” Being trustworthy requires discipline and mindfulness in your interactions with others—not just bulldozing over them because you are speaking your truth.

The assumptions behind telling white lies are these:

I will use the classic question, “How do I look in this?” to dig deeper into the cost of little white lies in relationships. This question has been the subject of countless jokes and cartoons and, yet, it can be a real minefield in a relationship! Both parties should use caution and not look for a “safe” way to ask or avoid answering this question, since body image is a huge issue for so many people.

Here are the four assumptions for this question:

These scenarios of little lies and avoidance can go on forever. The point is, in order to maintain the integrity of trust, a different type of conversation should take place long before the, “How do I look in this?” question even comes up.

My wife and I are no less human than any other couple. It is a second marriage for both of us and we learned some valuable lessons in our prior relationships. My wife still changes her mind about what to wear several times before she is satisfied with her appearance. Sometimes she will ask me what I think about her outfit, other times she will not. She knows I will give her an honest answer as to what I believe looks great on her. At the same time I also ask her about what to wear because I trust her sense of style more than my own. This works for us because everything said is done with respect and awareness about how sensitive the other person may be feeling about their appearance. This is the trust and intimacy we share as a couple.

This might all sound a bit shallow or simple. Telling “little white lies” all the time rather than risking hurt feeling is very socially acceptable. However, I offer this for your consideration. “Practice makes perfect” is an old saying. If you want to become great at any skill you must practice it over and over again. There are many who have become experts at telling “little white lies” because they have practiced them thousands of times. For some lying has become an art form, making it very difficult to know when they are telling us what they really think.

There is also the danger of “little white lies” becoming more complex and compounded, as one lie has to be told to cover the first lie, a second, the third, and a fourth lie—until the truth is obscured. Half-truths and important omissions also fall into this category. If you have ever been on the wrong end of these lies and half-truths, then you know how painful it can be.

What about “helpful” white lies in difficult situations? Doctors shielding patients from bad news, flight attendants assuring passengers it’s “only turbulence” when it could be mechanical failure, and governments withholding information fearing mass public panic if the real news got out—these are just a few examples. Each leader must decide in the moment what is the appropriate thing to do. But before you do, go back and look closely at the assumptions you are making about the situation and the other people involved. Choose carefully!

As an EMT, I have been trained not to tell a patient in the back of an ambulance that they are going to be alright. I can’t guarantee they will be fine, and lying to them about their condition will not help them. Instead, it is my responsibility to assure them we will get them to the hospital as quickly and safely as possible and keep them stable and comfortable as best as we can in the back of a moving vehicle. The fear in their eyes can create an overwhelming desire for any of the first responders to say they will be fine. But we can’t risk breaking their trust for a short-lived “feel good” moment.

Un-learning the urge to say something we perceive to be “safe” is not easy. It takes time. So, pause, think, and take the time to respond with how you feel or what you are thinking with intention rather than defaulting to a lie, omission or avoiding the subject by responding “yes, dear.” It is in these conversations that you can deepen the bonds of trust between you and others rather than fearing of damaging them.

Thoughts for Reflection