I became interested in neuro-linguistic programming back in the 1980s when I left the merchant marine and got into sales. I wanted to learn how to connect with people as part of my sales process rather than use a canned speech. Many years later when I became an executive coach I started reading different books on neuroscience in an effort to connect on a deeper level with my clients. In 2010 I met one speaker on this subject, Judith E. Glaser, who caught my attention because she spoke directly about the power of words and human connections. She published Conversational Intelligence, How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results (Glaser 2014) in 2016, and I spent the following year with Judith and her team becoming certified in Conversational Intelligence® to better understand the neuroscience behind effective conversations.
Priming for Trust
It’s worth bringing in some of the neurochemistry at this point to help you understand what goes on internally when your senses are triggered. Science has proven that all the cells in your body are wired to pick up and resonate with your emotions. And here’s why.
There are thousands upon thousands of neuro-receptors in each cell of your bodies. Each receptor is tied to one specific peptide (a protein chemical). Each feeling of anger, joy, sadness, love, guilt, excitement, happiness, nervousness, and so on releases its own flood of neuropeptides (chemicals) instantly into your body. Those peptides connect with the specific receptors in each cell, changing the structure of the cell as a whole. Think of it as little light switches being turned up (positive) and down (negative) in each cell.
When you perceive something as negative, that switch is flipped to the down negative position and depression-inducing chemicals (cortisol, testosterone) are released and penetrate all your cells within seconds. If the perception is positive, then the switch is flipped up and your system releases the “feel good” chemical oxytocin creating a natural high (Grodnitzky 2014, 11).
Judith E. Glaser calls the positive release sequence “priming for trust” (Glaser 2014, 107). I look at it as carefully starting to take your protective armor off. It is also important to understand the future impact of flipping those switches up and down over time. When your body cells are exposed to negative chemicals more than positive ones you flip the switch down more than up, each new cell produced by those cells are already programmed to be negative. Here is where the power of conversation in creating trust comes in.
Starting a New Conversation
Words in and of themselves do not have power, that is created by the emotions we associate with those words. I am a firm believer that “The pen is mightier than the sword” (Bulwer-Lytton 1839) in that communication (written and verbal) is a far more effective way to get people to do what you ask willingly rather than through fear and violence.
You have two basic forms of conversations, the ones you have with others and the ones you have with yourself. I’m focusing on the negative self-talk for the moment because with each negative thought you are literally programming your cells to be more negative in the future. Over time, negativity becomes a familiar feeling and remember, you feel safe with feelings that are familiar. It doesn’t mean that is healthy for you, your mind doesn’t know the difference. It just wants to be safe now and is not interested in the future impact. Would you say you have more positive conversations with yourself or negative ones? Which ones help and which conversations hold you back?
This programming now carries over into your external conversations with unexpected implications. More and more conversations today are replaced by texting, tweeting, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook posts and other nonverbal communications. Why? Because it is easier to feel safe behind electronic walls rather than have a face to face conversations. Being in front of another person exposes you, you may not feel safe and it becomes stressful. I work with people who struggle to express themselves and avoid important conversations. They are more willing to suffer silently than risk conflict or damage a relationship by talking. The sad part is, not having that conversation actually weakens the relationship instead of protecting it (Scott 2002, 6).
The last important thing to remember from this chapter is that your thoughts, your internal conversation will literally program your mind to receive more of what you think about. It is the science behind the famous turn of the century book Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. He chronicled from observation and conversations with highly successful individuals the power of positive self-talk long before the body chemistry part was understood. It takes more than a few positive thoughts to make a significant impact on your long-term mental state. Every cell in your body is replaced every two months. It takes a fair amount of time to turn years of negative priming around in your body. To do this you have to consciously catch your negative self-talk and focus more on the lesson to be learned than the self-recrimination. Be patient, it takes time and it works.
Thoughts for Reflection
• Have you ever caught yourself putting down or gossiping about someone in order to make yourself feel better?
• Are your internal conversations generally positive or negative?
• Do you understand that mentally saying positive things is not the same as embracing positive thoughts?
• How cognizant are you of the words you use? Are they chosen careful or do you just say what is on your mind?
• Do you understand why leaders cannot make loose or idle comments?
• Do people generally feel more positive or negative after talking with you?