CHAPTER FIVE

Your Readiness and Willingness to Trust

When our son Patrick turned thirteen, Dennis took him on a two-week “rite of passage” survival trek into the backcountry of the High Sierra of Yosemite National Park. The altitude was high, the air was thin, and the trail was dusty and difficult. This was heart of bear country, and on the fifth night, while Patrick and Dennis were cooking a pot of stew on the camp stove, a mother bear and three cubs strolled into their campsite. Within two minutes, the mother bear had scrambled up the tree just outside of camp where the food cache hung, taken one swipe at the nylon bag, and ripped the bottom open, dumping all of their provisions on the ground. For the next several hours, the mother bear taught her young cubs how to open freeze-dried food packages and granola energy bars. There was not much the backpackers could do but watch. These bears could outrun, out-climb, and out-swim the both of them. Because the animals were content eating their food, Dennis and Patrick turned in for the night inside their mountain tent.

The next morning, they surveyed the damage.

“What are we going to do now, Dad?” Patrick asked.

“Trust and pray,” Dennis replied.

“No, really, Dad. What are we going to do? We are days from nowhere in the middle of the wilderness and our food is gone!”

“All we can do is trust and pray,” Dennis repeated. As father and son picked up the torn food wrappers and empty containers scattered under the tree, a man appeared on the trail. This was significant because they hadn’t seen anyone for the last two days.

“Que pasa! What happened here?” asked Miguel. Dennis described the previous night’s visit from the bears. “This is your lucky day. My buddy Juan and I have to cut our trek short and head back to the city today.” An hour later, Miguel returned with a full sack of foodstuffs from their campsite over the ridge and handed it to Patrick.

“Wow! This is exactly what I prayed for,” Patrick exclaimed as he pulled out cans of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti O’s, Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate packs, and Werther’s Butterscotch candies. “This trust and pray stuff really works!”

The lesson of this story? Your willingness and readiness to trust yourself and others, particularly during times of ambiguity, is fundamental to how you show up and experience situations and how you experience others showing up in your life and at work.

How Your Capacity for Trust Developed

Building a trust-based workplace begins with you and how you bring yourself to your relationships. You want to work with people you trust and receive their trust in return. A step in attaining that goal is to understand how you interact with people. How willing are you to trust others? How willing are you to trust yourself?

Your readiness and willingness to trust reflects your Capacity for Trust in yourself and those around you. When you trust yourself, you see yourself as reliable, dependable, and well intentioned. When you trust others, you have confidence in their judgment and intentions.

This developmental predisposition to trust began to form in the very early stages of your life and evolved throughout your childhood. The first two years of your youth were especially critical to this development. The level of stability, predictability, and attentiveness you received from your caregivers and other close connections during this time provided signals about who, how, and when to trust based on your positive and negative experiences.

Some people had early life experiences rich with support, comfort, safety, and nurturing. They found themselves surrounded by people they could rely on. Others may have had early life circumstances with inconsistent care, lack of safety, little nurturing, or without adults upon whom they could depend.

You’ve been influenced about who, how, and when
to trust from the moment you were born.

Understandably, if you learned that others could be counted on to be there for you, your Capacity for Trust expanded, and you developed a readiness to enter into relationships by extending your trust until it was proven unsafe to do so. Conversely, if your upbringing was riddled with inconsistencies, letdowns, or upheavals, your Capacity for Trust contracted. You may have learned that it wasn’t safe to trust. In this case, you may have developed a need for tangible evidence before you could be confident that others could be trusted.

Most people’s childhoods were mixtures of calm and chaos, situations that caused trust to grow and contract accordingly. In these cases, it wasn’t necessarily the ambiguity itself that influenced your Capacity for Trust but the skill with which your care-givers managed it.

Michelle’s father served as a military intelligence officer, and throughout her childhood, her family moved every two years in response to his assignments. Michelle was born in Eritrea during Ethiopian rule, and as a young child, her first swim was in the Red Sea. Michelle’s mother beamed when the emperor, Haile Selassie, held her infant daughter in his arms. The family later lived in Japan during the Vietnam War. After each new assignment, Michelle would kiss her father good-bye and never knew where he was going or when or if she would see him again. Before she was born, her father had been held in captivity during the Korean War. Michelle had heard the stories of his imprisonment, and she carried with her the knowledge that bad things happened to good people during wartime. Despite the family’s constant relocation and changing, unpredictable environments, however, Michelle’s mother and father created a level of consistency and continuity within their household. This stability expanded Michelle’s Capacity for Trust—even in the midst of unimaginable change and heart-wrenching uncertainty.

Over time, as you developed mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, you became more self-reliant and learned to trust your own perceptions and judgment. As you mastered developmental tasks that were appropriately acknowledged by your caregivers, you began to have confidence in your abilities. These early experiences influenced your willingness to take risks and to trust in your competence to resolve problems and overcome difficult situations.

Eventually, this approach evolved into a more complex understanding of the world. What began as an I trust it because I can see it attitude expanded to include the idea of reciprocity: If I do something for you, will you do something for me? As your thoughts grew in sophistication, you caught glimpses of the pinnacle of trusting relationships: You have my word that you can depend on me, no matter what.

As you progressed through young adulthood, your earliest conditioning still formed the basis of your knee-jerk reactions to situations; your actual response, however, may have matured. For example, when your friend didn’t call like he said he would on a Saturday morning, your initial fear may have been that he found something better to do than play a pick-up basketball game with you. Even though you were hurt and angry, you decided to stay home and shoot hoops by yourself in your driveway instead of going to his house to confront him. Later that day, you learned that your friend had simply overslept and that he was sorry to have missed the opportunity to spend some time on the court. In this situation, your Capacity for Trust was tested. By giving the scenario time to play out, however, you learned that your fears were unfounded, and you were happy that you didn’t jeopardize a friendship with a rash response.

Although your knee-jerk reactions to tested trust may
remain, your actual responses can mature over time.

Your Capacity for Trust in both yourself and others continued to develop as you passed out of your teens and twenties and into full-fledged adulthood. As you matured, new relationships, personal development opportunities, and increasing professional pressures shaped your ability to have confidence in your surroundings and in your own approach to life. Over time, the lessons in trust (or distrust) from your earliest years were either strengthened or dismantled—often without your conscious awareness.

This lifetime of experiences influenced your readiness and willingness to trust today, your Capacity for Trust. This capacity influences your perceptions and beliefs. Your perceptions and beliefs influence your behavior. And your behavior is what builds or breaks trust. Trust begins with you.

Trust of Self

Trust in yourself is core to your sense of who you are. When you have a high level of trust in yourself, you feel centered and confident. You consider yourself dependable, reliable, and capable of fulfilling the expectations others have of you. This level of self-trust affects your workplace relationships. Those who have a healthy level of self-confidence tend to be trusted and relied upon more by others than those who have low self-trust.

Do you know that inner voice that asks you questions about your capabilities? Can I do this? Am I right for this job? Am I able to live up to the new expectations of me? Can I be relied on to keep up with the changes around here? Will I say and do the right things in my relationships? Are my strengths strong enough to compensate for my weaknesses?

Each of us has asked these questions of ourselves at one time or another during our working lives—particularly during change or when the stakes are high and there are unknowns. When you have an innate trust of self, you’re more inclined to answer yes to these lingering questions. You find a starting point within yourself from which you can move forward. You know that you’re able to draw on your relationships with others and that you are worthy of support. When you answer no to these questions, you may find yourself paralyzed by fear, wallowing in confusion, self-doubt, and a reluctance to rely on others or ask them for help.

Trusting yourself gives you a starting point to face challenges.

The trust you have in yourself is your starting point in your approach to relationships and life—as well as the foundation for your self-esteem and sense of identity. Self-trust is the glue that holds you together in times of trouble and the inspiration that spurs you to unimaginable achievement. With it, you’re positioned to become the best possible version of yourself. Without it, you’re stuck in stasis, repeating patterns, reliving worn-out scenarios, and missing golden opportunities to take your personal and professional relationships to the next level.

Your Capacity for Trust directly affects your attitude toward taking risks and trying new things. You are capable of accomplishing only what you believe is possible. For example, if a pole-vaulter doesn’t believe she’s capable of clearing eighteen feet, the chances are pretty slim she will. If you’re given a task and you assume there’s no way to complete it, you’ll probably prove yourself right. If, however, you realistically assess the situation, trust in yourself, trust others to lend a hand when needed, and strive to meet the goal, you will be successful.

An expanded Capacity for Trust enables you to deal with uncertainty, navigate ambiguity, and take calculated chances because you know you can rely on yourself and others to overcome challenges.

Sandy received a promotion offer for a high-profile position in charge of the central operations center of a large telecommunications company. Although she had never seen herself in such a managerial role, she could see how the assignment would serve as a stepping-stone to reach her professional aspirations. Sandy considered the position with quiet excitement, coupled with strong anxiety and fear. Could she trust herself to do the job? Did she have the necessary technical skills? She came close to turning down the position.

Sandy shared her concerns with others, who helped her see how her current skills laid the foundation for this new role. The conversations about her competencies helped quiet her fears, and she began to identify the people around her she could rely on to further develop her technical knowledge. Sandy accepted the job and trusted in herself and her colleagues to develop and execute a sound strategy. She succeeded in her new position and earned another promotion two years later.

When your Capacity for Trust in yourself is contracted, you’re inclined to sell yourself short, shying away from reasonable risks and new opportunities. Doubting your skills, you become paralyzed by fear, confusion, and doubt and fall victim to the little voice that questions your capabilities. You struggle to find a starting point, are less willing to ask others for help, and overestimate the gravity of obstacles in your path. Interestingly, you also risk falling into perfectionistic patterns as you strive to battle your doubts with irrefutable evidence of your own skill and talent. The signs of contracted Capacity for Trust are often subtle or so ingrained in your natural habits they can be difficult for you to see and even harder to fight back against.

In Chapter 10, we’ll be sharing four pathways to help you expand your Capacity for Trust in yourself. These pathways will serve as resources to ground you in your relationship with you and empower you to develop a strong sense of trust in your own perceptions and abilities. With this heightened level of self-trust, you’ll be better positioned to extend your trust to others.

Trust of Others

When you trust others, you view them as dependable and reliable in fulfilling your expectations. Do you hear your inner voice ask: Can I really trust my co-workers? Will they tell me the truth when it counts? Are they able to do what it takes when the chips are down? Can I trust them to do their part?

Your Capacity for Trust in others is critical to your workplace relationships. When you have an expanded ability to trust in others, you’re able to work in a fluid fashion. You extend your trust until you have clear evidence that you shouldn’t. You share information, tell the truth, and leverage your own and others’ skills. You relax in your need to control others’ contributions to your shared work.

When you have an expanded Capacity for Trust, you extend
trust to others until you have evidence that you shouldn’t.

Your Capacity for Trust affects how you work with your co-workers, boss, customers, and suppliers. Healthy relationships are based on trust, not legal contracts or money-back guarantees. Trust requires reciprocity. Generally speaking, the more you give, the more you get. Mutually trusting relationships grow the more you operate from mutually serving intentions, keep agreements, and respect other people’s abilities.

When you have an expanded Capacity for Trust, you’re more inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt when they let you down. You suspend judgment or criticism and make the effort to discover the reasons behind letdowns. For instance, when someone doesn’t come through for you, your inner voice is less inclined to turn to angry thoughts. I should have known I couldn’t trust her becomes She’s usually very reliable. What might have happened to have caused her not to deliver on her promise? Maybe she was sick or had a family emergency! When you trust others, you remain open to the natural path of life, continuing to trust until it’s clear it’s no longer appropriate to do so. You approach each person with sincere interest and concern rather than with suspicion and readiness to lay blame.

When you have a contracted Capacity for Trust in others, you experience your workplace very differently. You’re more likely to judge, criticize, and jump to conclusions. You may tend to withhold information, keep your ideas and concerns close to your chest, and not rely on others or ask for help when you need it. You may refrain from delegating even minor tasks with the belief that no one can do it as well as you. Communication breaks down; effectiveness and efficiency suffer. The stress, doubt, and fear that come with contracted Capacity for Trust take a toll on your health and home life. The ability to trust others is more than just a theoretical nicety—it’s a vital component to your success on the job and to your enjoyment of satisfying relationships.

You’re more inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt
when you have an expanded Capacity for Trust.

Generally speaking, the more trust you give, the more you get. Although there are no guarantees in any relationship—personal or professional—it’s easier to trust others when you trust yourself. Your Capacity for Trust anchors you through the turbulence of disappointments and frustrations in one relationship and allows you to reap the benefits of many trusting and satisfying relationships in the course of your personal and professional life. When you expand your capacity, you increase your trustworthiness. When others receive your trust, they are more likely to give their trust. Trust begets trust. And trust begins with you.

The more trust you give, the more trust you get.

The Starting Point for Your Relationships (Trust Begins with You)

You trust others in proportion to how much you trust yourself. Right now, you may be thinking Wait a minute. There are plenty of times when I trust myself more than I trust other people, and rightfully so! That may be true. But let’s unpack that thought, using what you’ve already learned about your unique Capacity for Trust. When you withhold your trust, it’s often because a specific previous experience (or set of experiences) taught you it wasn’t safe to rely on or trust that person or situation. When something isn’t “safe,” it means there is a chance it could hurt you—physically or emotionally, personally or professionally.

We all get let down (and let others down). Betrayal is a natural part of relationships. Yet, some of those hurts are easier to recover from than others. Why is that? The answer lies in your confidence in your ability to recover. When you don’t have this confidence—this capacity to rely on and trust yourself to recover from whatever hurt you may suffer—then you’re far more likely to withhold your trust from others.

Conversely, when you carry within yourself a strong attitude that even if things don’t go well, you can deal with the outcomes, learn from them, and get even stronger, then you’re more likely to take the risk of putting your trust in others. You can see the potential of collaboration, delegation, and partnership, and understand that you can achieve far more with others than you ever could on your own—even if that “letting go and trusting” process isn’t always a smooth one. At the end of the day, self-trust enables you to trust others, even when there is a chance that your trust may not be returned or rewarded.

At this point, it may seem like we’re espousing that you should always trust yourself and others to the highest degree possible. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Some people and situations shouldn’t be trusted. And there are times that it doesn’t make sense to trust yourself—such as when your knowledge or experience is lacking, your energy levels are low, or the realities of time or geography prevent you from achieving your goals effectively. We’re not talking about blind trust, but appropriate trust.

It is not always appropriate to trust; some people
and situations shouldn’t be trusted.

Never let go of your instincts when approaching relationships with others. Just be aware of what you’re bringing with you to each interaction. Remember, your Capacity for Trust isn’t the key: your awareness of your Capacity for Trust is—awareness—and the choices you make through that awareness. The intention is for you to identify your assumptions and predispositions toward trusting others in order to manage knee-jerk reactions that hold you back from developing appropriate, healthy, working relationships.

There is a difference between not trusting someone because it’s not appropriate and not trusting someone because you don’t trust yourself to handle the fallout if things go awry. This lack of trust is usually based on your previous experiences and your projection of those experiences onto a current situation. All human relationships have the potential of going awry—that’s a job hazard of being human, living consciously, and trying to make meaningful connections with others. The aim is to accept the fragility of trusting relationships and move through it in order to develop appropriate trust in yourself and others.

Trust Building in Action

Reflecting on Your Experience

1. Think about your relationships with others in your personal life. How do you bring yourself to those relationships? Do you tend to assume that others should be trusted, or do you wait for people to prove they are trustworthy? Whichever your tendency, how does it affect the quality of your personal relationships?

2. Think about your professional relationships. How do you bring yourself to those interactions? Do you trust until you receive evidence you shouldn’t? Or do you withhold your trust until you feel assured that others deserve your confidence? How does your approach affect the effectiveness of your workplace relationships?

Trust Tip Your Capacity for Trust influences your perceptions and beliefs, your perceptions and beliefs influence your behavior, and your behavior builds or breaks trust in your relationships.