How we become our kids’ victims—and strategies to prevent parent burnout
Now that we’ve gained some insight into your kid’s emotional development, it’s time to take a closer look at how you became your child’s victim. Step into the spotlight, and let’s focus on your past.
How far back are we going? Way back. We’re going to begin with the force that has the greatest influence on your parenting: the way you were parented. Your childhood holds the key to why you let your kid bully you.
Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s a deeply rooted, personal experience. Parenting advice that doesn’t consider your unique identity, history, or family culture is bound to fall short. Like a badly dubbed movie, one “parenting script” won’t fit into the mouths of all parents. As I learned with my own kids, neither a mastery of child psychology nor a thorough knowledge of parenting strategies will help until you understand the profound impact of your own history and how it influences your parenting choices.
I’m not going to give you parenting advice that compromises your individuality. I won’t force-feed you generic solutions. Lists of dos and don’ts are helpful reminders, but they rarely endure. Emotions run deep in parenting. In the end, the quickest and most effective way to produce change in your child isn’t by manipulation, control, or domination. It begins with a good look in the mirror. It begins with you.
The Past Is Present
In parenting workshops, I ask moms and dads to close their eyes and imagine themselves at their children’s age; to break away from the mundane, multitask-filled world of parenting and get in touch with the emotions they felt when they were kids.
Too often, parents forget how it felt back then. Sometimes, we hide behind our parenting authority as though we’re all-knowing beings, doling out rewards and punishments. Or worst, we launch into heavy-handed lectures that elevate us while putting down our kids.
“When I was your age . . . blah, blah, blah.”
What a bore!
As one teenager commented about his parents’ badgering, “What’s with adults? The minute they become parents, they forget what it’s like to be a kid.”
He was right! We forget what childhood feels like after we become parents. The less we identify with our kids and relate to their experience, the more conflict we’re apt to have with them. Connecting with the feelings and experiences of our childhood brings us closer to our children and makes us more humanistic parents.
Let’s get back to the parenting exercise. I want you to remember what it felt like to be parented. Revisiting your past will help you become more attuned to your kid. You’ll begin to understand and appreciate her emotional state—her insecurities, fears, and anxieties. When you’re better attuned, you’ll be less inclined to judge, criticize, or blame. The more you identify with your kid’s experience—and the more she feels understood by you—the less likely she’ll be to engage in bullying behaviors.
So go ahead, think of yourself at your child’s age. Take your time. Go for details.
What are you wearing? Do you have a favorite jacket or shirt?
How do you keep your hair? What length is it?
What does your bedroom look like? How did you decorate it?
Now start writing. If you’re not writing, start reflecting. Let your memories and associations flow unabated. Follow each image as it comes up. Take your time.
What did you enjoy doing?
What were you most insecure about?
What social fears haunted you?
Not let’s consider your parents.
Below is a list of questions. Explore them slowly—one at a time, or breeze through them all at once. Whatever suits you. The important thing is to record whatever springs to mind for each question. Go with the first memory. Be honest. Keep it simple. Trust that each memory holds another piece of your bullied-parent puzzle.
What is your earliest memory of your parents?
How old were you? Where were you living?
What feelings accompany the memory?
Keep going. Be specific. Follow the memories as far as you can. If you have more than one memory, that’s great. Flesh them out. We’re searching for the unseen forces that shape your parenting. These memories hold the key.
NIGEL’S REALIZATION
While journaling, Nigel recalled that when he was a teenager, his father became very critical, constantly complaining and finding fault with Nigel’s friends, his schoolwork, and his clothes. Nigel felt like he could never please his father and, in time, he gave up trying. Sadly, the two became alienated from each other and estranged as adults.
When Nigel reflected on his relationship with his son, he realized that he, too, had grown critical. He criticized the way that his son dressed and how he wore his hair. This was a prime trigger for his son’s bullying behaviors. It horrified Nigel to think that he was repeating the negative pattern. After all, Nigel, who grew to hate his father, certainly didn’t want his own kid to hate him.
Nigel knew that changing his own behavior was the key to rebuilding their relationship and disrupting the bullying dynamic between them. By evoking the emotional experience of his teen years, and recalling his feelings toward his father, Nigel was able to make a conscious break with negative patterns and move his relationship with his son in a new direction. Nigel’s memories of his own teen years held the key to a deeper understanding of his son’s behavior—and empathy changed his criticism to compassion.
Intellectual understanding without emotional identification brings limited results. If your kid is bullying you, there’s a reason. As you journal about your own experience at your kid’s age, you develop a stronger identification with her and come to know the internal conflicts that are causing her to bully. Armed with greater empathy, you are empowered to make better choices.
Are you ready to go on? Okay, let’s digger deeper now.
The Light and Dark Sides of Your Parenting
In this next exercise, we’ll explore the light and dark qualities of your parents’ behavior—their choices, tendencies, and habits. With a watchful eye, we’ll uncover how they affect you and impact your parenting today. Each memory will contain clues as to why you allow your child to bully you.
If you had two parents, start by picking one, then repeat the exercise with the other parent.
Remember, parenting isn’t always limited to actual parents. Feel free to substitute any adult who played a parenting role in your life. It could be an aunt or uncle, cousin, grandparent—anyone who cared for you or had a big impact on you as a child.
Okay. Let’s start with the lighter side.
When were your parents most happy?
What were their best qualities?
When did you enjoy each parent the most?
Recall your memories in as much detail as you can. Now let’s consider your parents’ darker side:
What were your parents’ dark qualities?
When was their mood the worst?
What memory accompanies these feelings?
I’ve never met a parent who at some point didn’t catch herself repeating her parents’ pet phrases. Everyone internalizes their parents’ good and bad qualities. It’s a natural process, and becoming a parent awakens such memories from their slumber.
Let’s consider the light and dark qualities you inherited from your parents and how they influence your parenting choices today.
What light qualities did you inherit from your parents?
What dark qualities did you inherit?
Which qualities do you want to keep, and which do you want to jettison?
I’m always amazed when parents can vividly recall their own parents’ words, moods, and deeds. It’s a powerful reminder of how our childhood experiences affect our lives. During these exercises, many parents discover details that they had long forgotten. Some break down in tears, others recall good times that they had forgotten. Slowly, over time, they begin to see the massive influence that their parents’ behavior has on their own parenting.
Here’s a sample of a father’s discoveries:
The Light Qualities
“My dad had a great sense of humor. When he was in a playful mood, he was so much fun. I have many happy memories of him chasing me around the house, playing tag and hide-and-go-seek. Sometimes we laughed so hard, my mother would worry about the neighbors. These are my most precious memories of him. He was so free and easy to be with when he was in a good mood.”
The Dark Qualities
“My dad had a terrible temper, especially when he drank too much. He could be mean and sadistic, a real bully. He said things to me that I’ve never forgotten; his critical voice still lives in my head. Sometime I say things to my kids that he said to me. I hate myself when that happens. It scares me to death that I could hurt my kids in the way my dad hurt me when he was in a dark mood.”
Our parents’ voices, positive and negative, take up residence in our minds and become a vital part of our identity, constantly influencing and advising us. Their attitudes, praise, criticisms, and complaints are alive in us.
Breaking negative patterns from your childhood requires making a conscious choice. It will take consistent effort to move your parenting in a brand new direction. Deep changes in intergenerational family patterns do not come easily, nor do they come of their own accord.
I’ve had hundreds of sessions with bullied parents suffering from all kinds of personal problems, from depression and anxiety to relationship issues and professional insecurities. What is the number one topic that comes up? Their relationship with their parents. In session after session, they revisit the childhood memories of their parents—sometimes for years.
Parents are towering figures in our unconscious minds. They loom over us, even more so when we become parents. The power of these early experiences cannot be overstated, particularly when it comes to the way they influence how you interact with your child.
Will you repeat your parents’ choices, spend your lifetime opposing them, or forge a new path?
Step into the Spotlight
In this final exercise, be as honest as possible. Don’t hold back. Challenge yourself to complete the following sentences:
My light qualities as a parent are . . . .
My dark qualities as a parent are . . .
The parenting choices I always regret are . . .
The personal behaviors I want to change the most are . . .
Look for patterns and themes. Can you see your own history in the parenting choices you make? Now identify the parts of your parents that you want to keep and the parts you want to lose.
COOKING UP A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP
Liana grew nostalgic while journaling about her mother’s light qualities. She recalled how much she loved cooking with her mom: “My mother was so much fun in the kitchen,” she wrote. “She had this gift. She seemed to make up recipes on the spot. We went on culinary adventures together, inventing dishes as we went along. Cooking with her was so much fun! Some of my best childhood memories are in her kitchen.”
When Liana reflected on her relationship with her own daughter, Zoe, she realized that there wasn’t a single activity that they enjoyed together. She lamented that they never even cooked one meal together. In fact, they had fallen into the habit of ordering fast food. How sad to think that Zoe’s memory of Liana would be her calling out for home delivery!
After journaling about these memories and sharing them with her husband, Liana went out and bought two new aprons, one for her and one for Zoe. That night, she told Zoe that they would be cooking together two days a week—and what’s more, Zoe would also be in charge of planning an entire family meal once a week.
Of course, Zoe was incredulous. “Are you serious?” she asked her mom. “Cooking is so boring. It’s so much easier to order in.”
However, in the weeks that followed, as Zoe learned her way around the kitchen, she began to love it. Soon, she was even preparing meals for her friends. Liana was delighted. “I thought my love of cooking died when my mother died,” she said. “I was wrong. The day Zoe started inventing dishes and calling me into the kitchen yelling, ‘Hey, Mom, come taste this!’ I had tears in my eyes. It was like having a bit of my mom back with us.”
The Parents Most Likely to Be Bullied
Over the years, as I listened to bullied parents’ stories, I began to recognize many common experiences. Though bullied parents come from difficult cultures and communities, I’ve identified the three most common scenarios that contribute to parents allowing their kids to bully them.
Of course, these are broad categories; parents are much more complex than the snapshot histories presented here. Yet, you may find them to be generally applicable—and food for thought.
The parents most likely to be bullied by their kids are:
Parents who were bullied by their own parents
Parents who had absent or neglectful parents
Parents who had narcissistic parents
Let’s consider each scenario, and see if they ring true for you.
Bullied by Their Own Parents
Many parents who are bullied by their children were themselves bullied by their own parents. The culture of bullying endures from generation to generation, only the roles change.
In defiance of their history, parents who were bullied by their parents may overcompensate with their own children. For example, adults who grew up in homes with overly strict parents tend to be too liberal and permissive with their kids. In a strange way, they set out to undo their history with their own kids by giving them the freedom that they were denied. These parents often made a vow in their youth: “When I grow up, I’m never going to treat my kids the way I was treated.” Determined that their kids will not suffer the way they did, they parent in opposition to their parent’s choices. This backlash against authoritarian parenting of the past is often at the heart of the bullied parenting dilemma that we find ourselves in today. For example:
If your parents were dominating, you might overcompensate by being too accommodating and permissive.
If your parents were critical, you might strive to be more of a friend than a parent to your child.
If your parents were inattentive, you might smother your kid with attention and become overly involved in his life.
Bullied parents’ hearts are in the right place. After all, they want their kids to have a better childhood than they did. Yet, their overreaching efforts to undo the pain of their own history will prevent them from providing the leadership their kids need for healthy social and emotional development.
Such parents tend to avoid any parenting decisions that may anger their child. In fact, they begin to fear their kid, just as they feared their parents. As the trauma of their own childhood is awakened, they stop thinking like adults and start thinking like children.
MEET BRADLEY THE BULLY
Hazel described her eleven-year-old son, Bradley, as a tyrannical bully. He yelled at her, called her names, and mocked her. A single mother with no support, she felt overwhelmed by Bradley’s aggressive behavior. One difficult night, he was so verbally abusive that Hazel actually called the police.
The police believed they were going to the scene of domestic violence. When they arrived and Hazel explained that her son was abusing her, they asked to speak with him. Then, when little Bradley came out of his bedroom in his pajamas, the police enjoyed a hearty laugh.
Bradley was threatening her? This tiny child? Was she serious?
If we consider Hazel’s upbringing, it’s clear why she was afraid: Bradley’s verbal abuse had awakened the trauma of her parents abusing her. As a child, no one had come to Hazel’s aid. Subsequently, when she began to relive the feelings of fear and powerlessness from her childhood, she did what she couldn’t do as a child: she called for help. To Hazel, it made perfect sense.
As you can see, parents who were bullied by their parents have to struggle through a mess of personal anxieties and emotional traumas that are awakened when they become parents. For Hazel to make new parenting choices, she had to understand how her parents’ abuse impacts her parenting today.
Absent or Neglectful Parents
Adults who grew up with absent or neglectful parents have a particularly difficult time being parents because they had no parental model to internalize. Even if they had a mother or father, they felt parentless.
Unsurprisingly, when they become parents, they haven’t a clue what to do. With no parenting model to follow or oppose, they feel lost and overwhelmed in their new role.
Desperate, they defer decisions and avoid unpopular parenting choices. They may even shift the burden of parenting onto the shoulders of their own kids, letting them make parenting decisions for themselves.
Though kids jump at the chance to seize leadership from their parents, they are totally unprepared to manage themselves. They can’t structure their day, set their own schedule, or plan for their future. Without the guiding hand of a confident parent, it’s only a matter of time before they stumble and become bullies.
No kid wants to parent himself.
MEET MAX AND HIS MISSING PARENT
Max put it succinctly: “How can I know how to be a dad—when I never had a dad?”
Raised by his mother and her sisters, Max never knew what it was like to have a father. Now as a dad raising two girls, he became flustered by the simplest of parenting decisions. He feared making the wrong choice or hurting his kids, so whenever possible he deferred to his wife. Eventually, his kids demanded answers from him. After all, he was their father.
Max’s situation went from bad to worse when his tween daughter, Tonya, began to bully him. Max had no clue how to respond. “I learned about fatherhood from sitcoms,” he said. “But those dads had scripts—I didn’t. And none of them had kids who spoke to him like Tonya spoke to me.”
After many therapy sessions, lots of journaling, and learning to apply the tools in this book, Max overcame his fears and provided the leadership Tonya needed.
Max’s breakthrough moment? He stopped letting his past define him. “I got tired of my story and decided to write a new one,” he said. “I decided to be the dad that I wanted to have when I was a kid.”
Max’s new confidence enabled him to put a stop to Tonya’s bullying and heal his past.
A Narcissistic Parent
Narcissistic parents are often hard to spot. They attend school events and parent/teacher conferences. They throw birthday parties. From a distance, they seem like ideal parents. So why are they bullied by their children?
Take a closer look and you’ll see the problem hiding in plain sight. They are terrible listeners and conversation monopolizers. Incessantly self-referential, rather than respecting and promoting their kids’ individuality, they try to make them mini-versions of themselves.
For children, nothing is more enraging than not being recognized by your own parent.
Kids often bully in an effort to break through a parent’s self-absorption. But narcissistic parents are too wrapped up in themselves to identify with their kids, steering conversations back to themselves, fixating on their own childhoods, telling endless stories about the past or forcing their kids to endure tiresome yarns about their own achievements.
The problem here is that narcissistic parents don’t live in the moment. This creates a profound sense of emotional deprivation in their children. And it fuels bullying. Every child has three basic emotional needs: to be listened to, to be recognized, and to be validated by their parents. Self-absorption prevents narcissistic parents from meeting any of these needs.
When adolescence hits, and kids begin to claim their own separate ideas and identities, narcissistic parents are likely to view it as a betrayal. Conflicts escalate.
Sadly, most relationships between a narcissistic parent and a bullying kid end in estrangement. Unless the parent changes his ways, the relationship is doomed.
MEET KIT: A BULLY’S ANGUISH
No kid wants to bully his parents. For one thing, it has a devastating effect on self-esteem. The more a kid bullies, the worse he feels about himself. Deep down, he wants his parents to take a stand. Such was the case with Kit.
Kit was quiet in high school. He was mild-mannered and soft-spoken. But at home he was a vicious bully to his mother.
Why did Kit act like two different children?
At one meeting I had with Kit and his mom, she was, as usual, describing details about her own life. In fact, she spoke obsessively about herself. Each time a story wound down and I thought she had finished, she launched into another story.
Kit, sitting beside her on the couch, tried to interrupt her a number of times with a question or an elaboration. She simply talked over him: “Let me finish.”
But there was no end to her talking. It was a wonder that she had time to breathe.
The entire time Kit was held hostage. Whenever he spoke, she ignored him, or spoke over him. “Let me finish,” she said.
After several attempts, Kit’s face grew taut; red blotches appeared on his neck. The more she spoke, the redder he became. Then suddenly, before my eyes, Kit hauled off and punched his mother, knocking her onto her side. I had never before seen such an act of violence in my office.
I was enraged. “You are never going to hit your mother again!” I demanded. Do you understand? No matter how angry you feel, you are not allowed to hit her.”
Kit and I had a very friendly relationship. He had never seen me angry, and the force of my voice shocked him. Before he could respond, his mother jumped in with an apology. “He didn’t mean it,” she said, “He can’t control himself.”
Kit began to weep. He pressed his fists to his eyes and lowered his head in shame. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks. His mother reached out and touched his arm. “It’s okay, honey. This is why you need help.”
Kit hid his face as his mother embarked on another long story about herself. It was the last thing he needed. She was telling Kit that he, not her parenting, was defective.
Are You a Burned Out Parent?
Before we go any further, I’d like to say a word or two about why so many bullied parents suffer from parent burnout.
This book is meant to challenge you, to start a revolution in your parenting and empower you. Its ultimate goal is to end bullying in your household. But before we can do that, I’m going to need you to take better care of yourself. Standing up to your kid’s bullying will require more energy and stamina, both of which are impossible to muster when you’re burned out.
Most bullied parents don’t even realize that they’re suffering from parent burnout. Ask these parents when was the last time they took a break from parenting, and they stare at you stupefied:
“You’re allowed to take a break?”
Kids who bully are gifted crisis creators. They are demanding, pushy, and aggressive—and they only become more so with age. Unfortunately, the more time you spend accommodating them, the less time you spend taking caring for yourself, and the more likely your kid will bully you.
Living in a state of chronic self-neglect negatively impacts every area of your life—your relationships, career, family, and friendships—and empowers your kid’s abuse. When you’re just too fatigued to put a stop to the bullying, you’re inadvertently supporting it.
If you don’t respect your own needs, your kid won’t, either. You’re the one who sets the tone for the relationship.
When you’re tired all the time, it’s easy to slip into a victim role. Children with burned-out parents always feel burdened by their parent’s unhappiness. When a parent goes around lamenting about his life, grumbling about all the inconveniences of parenting, it puts his kid on the defensive. He feels like he’s getting blamed for his parent’s unhappiness.
You may blame others for your feelings of neglect, but only you can remedy it.
Burned-out parents neglect their needs and end up depleted emotionally, intellectually, and creatively. Spend some time with them and you will actually begin to feel their weariness. They zone out in the middle of conversations, stare in a hypnotic trance, or go through the same routines mindlessly. Is it any wonder that they don’t have the energy to stand up to their kid’s bullying?
As I said earlier, most burned-out parents don’t even know that they’re burned out. So, let’s take an inventory of your life. If you answer yes to four or more of the following questions, chances are, burnout is coming your way:
PARENT’S BURNOUT QUIZ
Are you growing humorless?
Has romance gone out of your relationship?
Have you stopped hanging out with friends?
Do you feel dog-tired all the time?
Do you fret about spending money on a babysitter?
Do you feel guilty when you treat yourself to something special?
Do you have trouble remembering when you had a day off from parenting?
Does every conversation eventually come back to the subject of your kids?
Have you stopped exercising or going to the gym?
Has complaining become a way of life?
How to Cure Parent Burnout
It will be impossible to transform your relationship with your kid unless you transform your relationship with yourself. Putting a stop to bullying starts with valuing yourself more than you do now.
To get your life back on track, you don’t need to spend a fortune on therapy, European vacations, or gym memberships. In the previous chapter, I gave you a five-point checklist for your kid. Now here’s a four-point checklist for you.
PARENT’S BURNOUT PREVENTION CHECKLIST
Say hello to “me time.”
Get moving.
Get creative.
Get out of town.
1. Say Hello to “Me Time”
Does a quiet hotel room sound like heaven?
How about a drive alone?
Are you excited by the thought of someone else serving you?
When you have a bullying kid, putting time aside for yourself is surprisingly difficult, especially when you’ve fallen into the habit of self-neglect.
Parenting is not the world’s longest act of self-sacrifice, nor should it be. Burned-out parents teach their children that life is one endless grind of joyless responsibilities. And the heaviness of burnout weighs their children down.
No kid respects burned-out parents, which is why he feels free to bully them.
Kids want their parents to have passions. They want to be proud of them. After all, if their parents are happy and successful in life, it means that they too can be happy and successful. Being that kind of role model is a must for parents.
If you’re a member of the Burned-Out Parent Club, severing your membership begins with putting time aside for yourself. Maybe spend some time journaling, rereading a favorite book, or doing an activity that you enjoy—something that will quiet your mind and bring you some peace.
You won’t find time for yourself until you make time for yourself. Better self-care is the best step you can take to improve your relationship with your child and stop the bullying in your household.
2. Get Moving
Do you feel drained all the time?
Do you have a love affair with the snooze button on your alarm clock?
Are your midday naps becoming epic?
Burned-out parents complain of a lack of energy or motivation. When I recommend exercising or working out, I get blank stares or protests.
“I’m already so exhausted. You want me to add exercise to my schedule?”
MEET ALICE: FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE
Alice had every reason to feel discouraged. When her husband ran off with his high school crush (whom he’d found online), he left her alone to raise their two teen daughters, Christina and Stacy. Alice was in a state of shock. Eventually, she fell into a dark depression. Unfortunately, she soothed her hurt by binge eating.
Six months and fifty pounds later, Alice found herself in the worst physical shape of her life. What’s more, she was forgetting appointments and frequently arriving late to work. She spent her weekends in bed watching television and eating junk food.
Christina and Stacy hated to see their mother so defeated. To them, she had given up on herself. Initially, they felt bad for her. But eventually, they resented her. They bullied her, mocking her weight and poking fun at her tight-fitting clothes and her discomfort in heels.
“Why stop at three donuts? Have the whole box.”
“Maybe you can be a plus-size model.”
“No wonder dad left you.”
Deep down, Alice wondered if they were right. She knew that she had to do something, but she hated working out. Every time she made an appointment with a trainer, she got as far as the front door of the gym before turning around, going home, and getting back in bed.
After a particularly dreadful medical checkup and a scolding from her doctor, Alice called a friend and set a weekly jogging date.
The first run was pure hell. As her friend chatted away, Alice gasped for air and took many breaks. When it was finally over, she felt humiliated.
However, she pressed on. Running once a week, then twice and three times. Each run became a little easier. Then something caught Alice’s eye.
Alice and her friend’s jogging route took them by a boxing gym. In the window, boxers danced around, hitting bags, jumping rope, sparing. Boy, did that look like fun! Alice wondered if they had boxing lessons for women. So she phoned the gym to find out.
They did.
Alice’s hands shook on the steering wheel as she drove to her first lesson. “I don’t think I have the courage to go through with this,” she thought to herself. “I should turn the car around and go home. What will people think of me?”
Alice wrestled with her thoughts right up until she parked her car outside the gym. She took a deep breath. A new way of thinking was taking root in her. She was tired of evading challenges and caring so much what others thought.
Alice was tired of her old story.
From the moment Alice threw her first punch, she was hooked. She loved everything about boxing: wrapping her hands, tying on the gloves. She even liked the smell of the place. And hitting those bags—man, did that feel good!
Alice came home from boxing lessons drenched in sweat. Practicing her routine in the bathroom mirror, she bragged to Christina and Stacy that her trainer said she was a natural.
Of course, Alice’s daughters were skeptical. “A forty-year-old woman, boxing? Really, Mom?”
Alice responded with a shrug. It felt so good that she didn’t care what anyone thought. After a few weeks, she told her trainer she wanted to try a few rounds in the ring with a real opponent. When Christina and Stacy asked if they could come and watch, Alice was thrilled but responded offhandedly. “Sure. Why not?”
In a matter of weeks, Alice became a sensation. Her daughters bragged about her and took their friends to see her matches. Alice was suddenly cool. She felt better than she had in years. She also had an important revelation: She realized how unhappy she’d been in her marriage. For years, she’d lived in a fog.
Alice’s husband had always been an oppressive force in her life. He was critical and negative, always putting her down. No wonder her daughters bullied her. They were following their father’s lead!
But when Alice started taking better care of herself, everything changed.
In no time, Christina and Stacy lost interest in bullying their mom. On rare occasions, when they did give her a hard time, Alice responded: “You want to go a few rounds in the ring and settle this?”
Of course they didn’t. More important, they didn’t need to.
Boxing not only cured Alice’s parent burnout, it was the knockout punch that ended her daughters’ bullying once and for all.
Parents need tension outlets just like their kids. Walk, run, swim, bike, tap dance—whatever tickles your fancy. Remember, a cardio workout, thirty minutes, three times a week can dramatically reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. You’ll feel better. You’ll have more energy and less appetite. If you have trouble committing to a weekly workout, sign up for a class, get a trainer, find a gym buddy, or take a lesson from Alice and go for a jog!
3. Get Creative
Is buying your kid a new lunchbox your idea of being creative?
Do you consider doodling on your phone bill an artistic activity?
When your kids tell you to “get a life,” do you wonder if they’re right?
Let’s face it, parenting is often dull, repetitive work: cooking meals, buying clothes, helping with homework, driving your kids to soccer games or band practice, picking them up after school or from the mall. If you’re lulled into feeling like a taxi service or a maid, if you respond to each new day with a weary shrug, it’s time to think about putting more creative energy into your own life.
Creativity is a natural stress reliever. It soothes angst, awakens your muse, and brings new dynamism into your day. It will lift your spirits and give you a much-needed break from the mundane world of day-to-day parenting. You’ll also have more energy to tame that nerve-racking bully in your home.
You’ll be amazed how much better you will feel and how much more energy you’ll have when you awaken your creative self.
The Burned-Out Parent Breakfast Club My first job after grad school was coordinating a counseling program at a struggling elementary school in Brooklyn. Each morning, I’d watch a parade of blurry-eyed burned-out parents drop their kids off and stumble back onto the street. Since my program was charged with helping students succeed, I decided the best place to start would be to help their parents.
When letters, phone calls, and mailings to students’ homes yielded zero replies, I decided to try a different tactic: I posted signs all over the school.
FREE BREAKFAST FOR PARENTS
As parents dropped their kids off, I lured them to my office with the smell of fresh coffee and baked goods. (I’d even set up a small fan beside the coffee machine to push the smell into the halls.)
Slowly, one by one, they stumbled into my office—breakfast zombies in search of a freebie.
Within a few hours, I had a dozen parents sign up for my first parenting group.
Rather than lecture them on child rearing or psychology, I decided a little creativity would be far more fun.
In the first workshop, I gave each parent a bucket of art supplies. They had poster board and construction paper at their disposal. I encouraged them to create anything they wanted. Whatever tickled their fancies.
The parents poked at the supplies, and peered at me out of the corners of their eyes. Being creative was an everyday event for kids. But for burned-out parents, it was completely foreign. They had no idea what to do.
Gradually, as parents sipped coffee and downed donuts, they sheepishly began to use the art supplies. They began to sketch, paint, and draw. And once they started, they couldn’t stop. Some worked quietly, in deep meditation. Others chatted and laughed playfully.
The workshop was scheduled for ninety minutes, but nearly everyone stayed an hour or two longer and continued working.
“Why are they taking so long?” I wondered.
Then it dawned on me. These parents are starved for creativity! Their imaginations are aching for a workout. Since becoming parents, they’ve had no creative time for themselves. The simple act of sitting alone and being creative was so invigorating that they could barely contain themselves. Creativity was an exciting and invigorating journey back to their pre-parent selves.
In the weeks that followed, kids dropped by my office to see what their parents had made. That was when I learned another important lesson: The kids loved to see their parents being creative.
“My mom did that? Awesome.”
“My dad’s picture is so cool.”
“I didn’t know my mom could draw.”
The kids were thrilled to discover a side of their parents that they didn’t know.
After the workshop, many parents brought their art project home and kept working on it. They continued to be creative for one simple reason: It felt good.
When parents begin to feel better about their own selves, they begin to be better parents. Rediscovering their creative side not only helped cure their burnout but also infused positive energy into their relationship with their kids.
So it’s time to get out your old paint set, camera, sewing kit, or toolbox. Build something in your garage, plant something in your garden. These tasks are as important to parenting as feeding and providing for your family.
What would you like to create?
4. Get Out of Town
Do you sleepwalk through your daily routines?
Is visiting the fruit section of your grocery store your idea of an exotic vacation?
Do travel magazines look like fantasy novels?
Bullied parents don’t spend enough time in the parent-free world beyond their front door. Worse, the more they sacrifice for their kids, the more their kids take them for granted.
When you stop traveling, visiting friends, or going out for a bit of fun, your parenting is headed toward burnout. You need a break from your kids just as much as they need a break from you.
Finding alone time with your spouse or making space for friends or new activities nourishes the burned-out soul. It’s a great way to rejuvenate your life so you can stand up to your kid’s bullying.
That means making a plan for quality nonparenting time. So, pick up the phone, call an old friend, reconnect with acquaintances—whenever it takes to break free of isolation. Get out of your house, socialize, go to a comedy club, see a concert, visit an art gallery, take a hike. Yes, get out of town! Any effort you make to try something new will bring fresh energy into your parenting.
MEET ELENA AND JOHN
When Elena and John walked into my office, I could feel their exhaustion. Before children, they were full of hopes and dreams. By the time their third son was born, every day was a struggle with despair.
John was losing his temper more and sounding an awful lot like his father. Elena struggled mightily with feelings of depression and hopelessness. In response to their low state of life, their kids began to bully them with back talk and full-throated public meltdowns.
Elena and John felt embarrassed by their children’s behavior, but were too tired to do anything about it.
When I suggested time off from parenting, they scoffed. They didn’t have the budget to travel or pay a babysitter for more than an hour or two. They shot down my suggestions without consideration or reflection. Like many burned-out parents, their outlook was gloomy.
So I came up with a plan: Since the boys were in school all day, could John arrange his work schedule to take a morning or two off? Maybe a long lunch?
“Well . . . it’s possible. But is that really a vacation?”
It wasn’t a vacation, but it was a start.
Elena and John began by having a quiet breakfast together. In the process, they discovered something that they had forgotten: They enjoyed each other’s company. It was like they were dating again.
They tried a morning yoga class. Sometimes they went to an art gallery or played tennis after dropping their kids off at school. Afterward, John sometimes jogged to work and Elena found the energy to start working on her long-abandoned novel again.
When Elena and John made more time for fun and creativity in their life, it rejuvenated their marriage and their parenting. Even their sex life improved. Most important, they had the energy to put an end to their boys’ bullying and enforce new structure, limits, and boundaries around their home.
It’s impossible to stop your kid’s bullying when you are depleted and drained. Curing your parent burnout goes hand-in-hand with curing bullying. Good self-care is good child-care. It breathes new energy into your life and the stamina to tackle your kid’s bullying.
In the next chapter, we’re going to identify your child’s bullying style and show you immediate steps that you can take to resolve it.