CHARLIE’S NO ANGEL

I recall Charlie, a tattooed, wild-haired young man about twenty years old. He contacted me for a consultation and demanded an appointment as soon as possible. While speaking with him on the telephone, I could tell I was dealing with a defiant bully. No matter what their age, defiant bullies all sound like bossy children.

Charlie, who told me he slept during the day, declined every appointment time I offered and demanded I stay late to see him. He’d dropped out of high school (twice) and recently was suspended from college (again) for reasons he refused to explain. So, why the appointment? He needed a letter from a therapist stating that he was in therapy so he could return to class.

He arrived to the appointment late, breathless, and sweaty, with a bicycle slung over his shoulder. The doorman wouldn’t let him in the building with the bike, so he snuck into the freight elevator and found his way to my office.

Once he entered, I was assaulted by his potent body odor—a smell I would later dub “Scent of Charlie.”

Almost immediately, he began to complain. Everyone was out to get him—his school, his parents, even my doorman. He took no responsibility for his behavior, the hallmark of a defiant bully.

Sensing he would never return after receiving a letter from me, I told him I would consider writing the letter for him after he attended three sessions. I needed to get to know him better so I could represent him more accurately.

“Bull**it!” Charlie barked, and stormed out without paying me.

In retrospect, I was too accommodating to Charlie from the get-go. I adjusted my schedule to his needs too quickly, giving him the sense that he was in charge of my time. Kids with defiant bullying styles have a special talent for getting their way.

Charlie’s bullying for an appointment had caught me off guard, and I’d surrendered to his will without thought. The problem is, if you accommodate defiant bullies too quickly, they lose respect for you. Charlie walked out because I failed to hold my own in the face of his bullying.

Years later, Charlie returned. This time I didn’t bend. We set the appointment based on my schedule. Surprisingly, he didn’t put up a fight.

Charlie, still sweaty and tattooed, looked in deep despair. He arrived on time (Scent of Charlie in tow) and collapsed on my couch looking defeated. When I asked why he’d returned, he sighed. “I screwed up my life.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He closed his eyes; this was going to be painful to say. “I never listened to my parents or my teachers. I fought against people like you who wanted to help me. Now I have nothing.”

He went on to explain that he had to sell his bike to pay off his weed dealer and other debts.

As he spoke, I felt as if I was sitting with a person who, by his own accord, was bankrupt in every sense of the word. His unrestrained defiance had left him with nothing to show for himself—not a single accomplishment to take pride in, not one healthy relationship.

PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET SARA

Age: 13 and a half

Bullying Style: Defiant

Favorite Bullying Tactics: Tantrums, threats, and meltdowns

Bullying Moment:

“I hate you! It’s all your fault!”

When Sara found out that she didn’t get into the middle school she wanted, it was a toxic dose of heartbreak and public humiliation. Every day, as friends brashly waved their acceptance letters in the air like victory flags, Sara hid in the bathroom, sobbing.

In truth, Sara had put little effort into her middle school application. She’d expected to be automatically accepted. Now she was bitter with defeat. Annoying “shoulds” tortured her at night:

These thoughts haunted Sara. To free herself from the burden of responsibility, she did what defiant bullies often do—she blamed her parents.

From the moment the middle school placement letter arrived in June, and throughout the endless summer, Sara bullied her parents unmercifully. It was their failure, not hers. They hadn’t helped her enough, they didn’t care for her enough, and they didn’t love her enough.

Sara’s parents, Marcus and Lisa, felt overwhelmed with guilt and accepted much of the blame. (We’ll get to know guilty parents in Chapter 5.) Troubling “shoulds” kept Marcus and List up at night, too:

While Sara and her parents were “should having” all over themselves, their home was gloomy, at best. With no tension outlets, Sara began binge-eating her way through the summer.

Finally, the first day of school arrived. As Sara angrily stomped her way toward the unfamiliar building, Lisa and Marcus watched from their car and held their breath.

“I’m not going back tomorrow!” Sara screamed as she entered the house that afternoon after school. “You suck as parents! You’re stupid! You ruined my life! I hate you both!”

Marcus and Lisa did their best to calm Sara, but their attempts only brought more abuse. She screamed, howled, threw books and shoes, and cursed at them.

Marcus and Lisa soon became battle weary; this was beyond anything they’d ever seen. “Should we’s” kept them up at night:

Should we arrange for home schooling?

Should we look at boarding schools?

Should we force her to go back to school?

To understand the true causes of Sara’s suffering, let’s take a deep look into her past.

Sara’s History

Sara is going through a series of difficult transitions, from changing schools to losing friends, from enduring a long, isolated summer to experiencing stress-related weight gain, not to mention other upsetting events that she has chosen to hide from her parents. To get a fuller picture of the causes of her bullying, let’s examine all aspects of her life.

Precocious Puberty

Puberty came unusually early for Sara and caused her much unease in school and in public. She developed breasts earlier than any of her friends; by fifth grade, boys ridiculed her in gym class; girls snickered in the lunchroom. To make matters worse, Sara refused to wear a bra (not a good decision).

Like many kids, Sara felt too humiliated to share this information with her parents. Kids in their early teens frequently hide their hardships from their parents out of fear of their parents’ disappointment or judgment.

Struggling alone is always worse than struggling with the love and support of family. Sara’s choices isolated her socially, and she withdrew even further.

Learning Differences

Sara has great difficulty organizing her notes, her handwriting is barely legible, and she has a history of reading difficulties. Doing homework with her parents often ends in tears or fights. So Marcus and Lisa arranged for a tutor to help Sara three times a week. Unfortunately, it’s likely that Sara’s learning difficulties are way beyond a tutor’s capacity.

Kids with undiagnosed learning problems suffer low self-esteem due to their inability to keep up with their classmates or complete tests or assignments on time. The chronic tension that they experience in class also makes them moody and easily fatigued.

For Sara, who already had self-esteem issues, failing academically was yet another insult to her sense of well-being.

Sara’s Secret Fears

Sara is convinced that her older brother, Edward, is her parent’s favorite child. Everything appears to come so easily to Edward. Edward won a scholarship to college. Edward is popular. Edward does well in school. Marcus and Lisa even appear more at ease with him.

Every night in bed, Sara is tormented by negative self-talk:

Sara barely gets any sleep. Now, everything irritates her—the way her mother hums in the kitchen, the way her father chews his food, her brother’s alarm clock (1980s rock).

As you can see, there’s a whole lot going on with Sara. To make lasting gains, her parents need a multitiered approach. Let’s start with steps they can take immediately to address her bullying.

Immediate Interventions

The first order of business is to help lower Sara’s stress level and get her anger under control. Remember, beneath all her yelling and shouting is a deeply unhappy child.

Rather than try to force Sara back to school, punish her, or respond to her bullying in kind (all choices that will escalate conflicts and defiance), Marcus and Lisa would do better to give Sara a break: Let her miss a day of school and catch up on sleep.

Sending Sara to school exhausted and irritable will only make matters worse. At the same time, they should make it clear to Sara that they will consider other schooling options, but until then, she will have to continue to attend her current school.

This will set the stage for Sara to work collaboratively with her parents and demonstrate to her that her parents are listening and taking her seriously.

For kids in pain, listening is healing; feeling understood is a soothing balm for hurt. Sara may be thrashing about, bullying and threatening because she doesn’t feel heard or understood by her parents. If Sara feels listened to and validated by her parents, she is less likely to bully them.

Next we want to introduce some self-soothing activities. For example, does Sara enjoy cooking with her mom or dad? Does she have any creative outlets or friends that she can turn to for support? Perhaps she and her father can spend a day together doing an activity that they enjoy.

When kids feel like they’re facing insurmountable obstacles, it may help them to get a little distance. Harping on problems can increase stress and tension, and make difficulties worse. A day off from school would also give Sara the time and space she needs to lower the tension she feels and express the insecurities that she bottles up.

One last note: When approaching sensitive subjects with your defiant kid, one parent is often better than two. Kids often report feeling ganged up on or outnumbered when both parents approach them together. This increases defensiveness and tension. So, decide which parent is best for the job beforehand, clarify your goals, and remain united no matter what your kid throws at you.

These immediate steps are designed to lower the tension Sara feels inside and de-escalate the conflicts with her parents. Once she is more stable and rested, Marcus and Lisa should consider the following recommendations.

An Educational Evaluation Sara demonstrates many signs of nonverbal learning differences. That means she may function well verbally but has difficulty in nonverbal tasks, such as reading or writing. She struggles to complete assignments, tires more quickly, and suffers mood swings. She often hides her work, loses it, or forgets to hand it in to avoid the embarrassment of another low grade. These are all symptoms of undiagnosed learning differences.

Identifying Sara’s learning differences is crucial to lowering her stress levels in school and at home. As we discussed in Chapter 2, unidentified learning differences are a major cause of bullying because they generate emotional stress. Sara may be suffering from a number of learning challenges, processing difficulties, and executive-functioning problems as well as dyslexia and attention issues.

Until Sara gets a proper learning evaluation, no amount of tutoring or therapy will help. In fact, Sara’s defiant bullying is likely to get worse as her hopelessness increases.

Once her learning differences are identified, a learning specialist should be employed to target Sara’s problem areas and give her the skills that she needs to succeed academically.

A Full Medical Check-up A full medical exam is recommended to rule out any health issues related to Sara’s precocious puberty, which is out of sync with the norm.

Girls are ten times more likely to experience precocious puberty than boys. This results in significant social and emotional stress, often in the form of ridicule from peers. An early entry into puberty also floods teens with thoughts and feelings that they are too young to process or understand. It also can cause moodiness, irritability, and sleep disruption.

An appointment with a doctor who specializes in adolescent medicine would help rule out any hormonally related issues and help Sara to better understand the changes that are happening in her body and how they affect her mood.

Exercise As we discussed in Chapter 2, a cardio workout is Sara’s best defense against depression and anxiety.

Sara is desperately in need of tension outlets. Naturally, she’ll resist joining a gym or sports team, but her parents could encourage her by accompanying her.

For example, Sara could go for bike rides with her dad, take swimming classes with her mom, enroll in a spin class with a friend—anything to get her moving again. Sara was an excellent soccer player in elementary school; revisiting soccer when her mood improves would be an excellent idea!

Esteem-Building Activities During adolescence, kids tend to abandon activities that they associate with early childhood: They stop playing guitar or piano, refuse to go to dance class, give up drawing or painting. Soon they are left with no self-soothing creative outlets. I encouraged Marcus and Lisa to resurrect activities that Sara enjoyed in the past. For example, Sara loved pottery in elementary school. Joining a pottery class would be fun for Sara and give her a boost in self-esteem.

Therapy Sara needs help developing a language for feelings. Repressed emotions are most likely to be fueling her bullying behaviors. The right individual therapist could help Sara put her frustrations and fears into words rather than discharging them through bullying. The right therapist would help normalize her struggles and open new pathways for self-expression. And the right therapist could also arrange for family meetings to address Sara’s insecurities concerning family dynamics.

Finally, peer group therapy would help Sara learn to develop more intimate and rewarding friendships. The support of a positive peer group would help her feel less isolated and more comfortable socially.

PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET BERNARDO

Age: 9

Personality Type: Anxious

Favorite Bullying Tactics: Nagging and meltdowns

Parents: Divorced, single mom

Bullying Moment:

“Bernardo! We’re leaving in ten minutes!” Samantha shouts from her bedroom as she smooths down her outfit and grabs her purse. The house is oddly quiet.

“I said we’re leaving in ten minutes. Bernardo!”

Suspecting the worst, Samantha heads for Bernardo’s room and discovers him sitting on his bed in his boxer shorts.

Phase 1: Begging

“Please let me stay home,” Bernardo implores his mother.

Samantha closes her eyes tight. She’s determined not to get a tension headache. “It’s a birthday party. It’s fun,” she says.

“Pleeeeasseee! I don’t want to go.”

“Louise is expecting you. Besides, you know everyone.”

“I know them, but I don’t know know them.”

Samantha feels her temperature rising. “Get dressed,” she demands.

“My stomach hurts. I can’t swallow.”

“Bernardo . . . .”

Phase 2: Badgering

“Feel my head.”

“You’ve got three seconds. . . . One!”

“I don’t want to go to a stupid birthday party . . .”

“Two!”

“The kids are so spoiled. You said so yourself . . .”

“THREE!”

“Dad says you’re selfish!”

This trick always works. Change the subject and distract his mother from the issue. Watch and be amazed.

“Your father said what?” she asks, taking the bait.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that you didn’t want me to be born.”

Samantha rubs her temples. Hello tension headache. “He told you that?”

“I promised I wouldn’t tell you . . . but, yeah, he did.”

Bernardo’s plan works like a charm.

“Fine, stay home,” she says. “But no television, computer, cell phone, tablet, video games . . .”

“You’re punishing me for being sick?”

“You’re not sick.”

Phase 3: Bullying

“I hate you.”

Samantha searches her purse for aspirin as she heads for the door. “Do whatever you want,” she says. “I don’t care,”

Bernardo screams after her: “I wish I had a real mother!”

Samantha hollers back: “I wish I had a normal son!”

Bernardo waits until he hears the front door slam before jumping out of bed, heading to his computer, and logging on to his favorite gaming site.

Bernardo’s History

According to Samantha, Bernardo was anxious from the very beginning.

“He kicked like crazy in my womb, like he couldn’t wait to get out,” she says. “Then he was born three weeks late. Even then he didn’t even know what he wanted. Bernardo wasn’t on time for his own birth.”

Bernardo was a colicky baby who always wanted to be held. No matter how deeply he slept in his Samantha’s arms, the minute she put him down, he screamed bloody murder.

Samantha had never planned on being a single mom. “Being a divorced single mom with a deadbeat dad wasn’t part of my life plan,” she says.

Samantha arrives home late every night, exhausted and drained from work. By dinnertime, she’s falling asleep on her feet. She gives Bernardo whatever he wants so she can have a moment of peace to herself.

Bernardo’s Secret Fears

Since his parent’s divorce, Bernardo attempts to control every aspect of his life. He obsessively clings to sameness: same books, same television shows, same clothes.

In addition to bullying, Bernardo has developed many obsessions. He watches episodes of certain television shows over and over, rereads the same books, and arranges his clothes by day, color, and texture.

Meals are even more peculiar: specific foods on specific days. Here’s a sampling:

Breakfast: dark toast (no butter), half an apple (no skin), warm grape soda

Lunch: peanut butter on crackers with banana and a glass of unsweetened black tea

Dinner: hot dogs (pan-fried, not boiled) cut in small pieces, to be eaten with bright-colored toothpicks and microwave fat-free popcorn (Bernardo refuses to touch the popcorn; he claims that the feel of popcorn on his fingers makes him nauseous.)

Obsessive behavior is always an attempt to build a buttress against overwhelming anxiety. While Bernardo finds comfort in these obsessions, it never lasts. His anxiety returns because its true cause hasn’t been identified or treated.

Deep down, Bernardo suspects that his father no longer cares about him. He rarely calls, and his visits are less frequent.

“This year, he didn’t even remember my birthday.”

Bernardo’s feelings of abandonment cause him to glom onto his mother. He clings to her until she feels suffocated by him. When Samantha asks for space, Bernardo’s pain turns to bullying. Samantha’s rejection of him triggers his abandonment feelings—and his bullying.

Before we get to the major interventions, let’s consider what Samantha can do right now.

Immediate Interventions

Here are a few actions that Samantha can take right away.

Set Limits Having limits on computer gaming is a must for Bernardo. Unlimited Internet access adds to his isolation and obsessive tendencies. When surfing the net begins to take the place of more creative activities and socializing, it’s time to consider restricting access. Without parental supervision or controls, Bernardo is more likely to be exposed to inappropriate material online, which he’ll have difficulty understanding. This increases his anxiety and uneasiness.

Of course, Bernardo will have a meltdown when his mother sets limits, but Samantha should not be swayed. She must not let Bernardo manipulate her. She’s making a parenting decision based on what’s good for her son, not what he wants. For example, there are online services available to parents that time-limit Internet access, block certain sites, and filter inappropriate content.

Once limits are set on computer time and gaming, parents often report a decline in bullying and an improvement in their kid’s mood. The intensity of computer games keeps Bernardo in a constant state of overstimulation. Everything in the real world becomes a distraction to his gaming. He grows impatient and impulsive. He loses the ability to communicate thoughtfully. And the more dependent he becomes on the Internet, the less he will be able to develop meaningful relationships.

De-escalate Conflicts Samantha is too reactive to Bernardo’s provocations. Rather than reduce conflicts, she escalates them. Later, when she calms down, she is horrified by what she has said. Filled with remorse, she apologizes. And she and Bernardo cycle through the same conflicts over and over again.

De-escalating conflicts, validating feelings, and praising strengths (see Chapter 2 for more details) would relieve the tension of the moment and lessen Bernardo’s bullying. If Samantha is feeling overwhelmed, it would be better for her to step away from the conflict, collect herself, and then return. As long as she responds to Bernardo’s attacks with counterattacks, there is no hope for disrupting the cycle of bullying in her home.

Household Responsibilities No parent should ever feel like a maid or private chef. Samantha enables Bernardo’s obsessions by servicing them.

Bernardo has no responsibilities around his household. Samantha, who is already overworked, prepares meals, cleans his room, and does his laundry. Giving her son more chores around the house would help him become more responsible and less dependent on her.

Lowering Bernardo’s anxiety is our top priority. Once that is achieved, other interventions may include the following.

A Parent Support Group Samantha shows all the signs of parent burnout. As we’ve already seen, no parent can be effective when suffering from burnout.

Before we can reduce Bernardo’s bullying, Samantha needs to get more support for herself. The struggles of being a single mom are significant. The encouragement and support she would find in a parent group could revitalize Samantha’s parenting, reduce her reactivity, and help her better manage her feelings.

Peer Group Therapy Bernardo spends far too much time alone. The more he becomes isolated and infatuated with technology, the more antisocial he will become. Additionally, his obsessive-compulsive behaviors will eventually become unmanageable.

Bernardo would greatly benefit from peer group therapy or involvement in a youth program. Of course, he’ll resist. Too many parents give up when their kids say no to something new. But you can’t be a good parent without making unpopular decisions. Without this intervention, Bernardo’s bullying will become his only tension outlet, and his anxiety will become crippling.

Friendships will bring new energy into Bernardo’s life and offer him opportunities for growth. In group therapy, Bernardo will also meet other kids who are struggling with the aftermath of a divorce. He’ll be less isolated and better supported, which can lead to new ways of coping with stress, greater autonomy, and less dependence on his mom.

Family Sessions Short-term family sessions will help Bernardo and Samantha improve their communication skills and set limits on name calling and mutual disrespect. Bernardo and Samantha need to learn how to express frustration without attacking each other. Family sessions would also help them agree on structure, limits, and boundaries for behaviors at home.

Child Support I’ve worked with hundreds of single moms who suffer with deadbeat dads. No matter how they try to protect their kid, single parents become a target for all the anger their children feel toward the absent parent.

Since all efforts to involve Bernardo’s dad have failed, and he doesn’t provide any child support whatsoever, Samantha would be encouraged to take legal action. Admittedly, this could be a grueling undertaking, and possibly an ugly battle. More financial support would help lessen Samantha’s financial burdens and give her a greater sense of empowerment. Plus, she’d have more stamina to stand up to Bernardo’s bullying.

No one looks forward to taking legal action against a family member, and perhaps it’s a gamble, but in Samantha’s case, it’s important that she try. Allowing Bernardo’s father to come in and out of his life without offering any support is terrible for Bernardo. Like many kids who are being raised by a single mother, Bernardo unloads all his frustrations with his father on her.

Recently, I worked with a single mom who, after years of receiving no financial support, finally contacted a lawyer. Without even going to court, she received a check for two years of unpaid child support. In the end, she questioned why she hadn’t taken action sooner.

Standing up for what she deserves from her ex-husband and demanding what she is entitled to would empower Samantha to stand up to her child’s bullying, too!

PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET MARSHA

Age: 19

Personality Type: Manipulative

Favorite Bullying Tactics: Inducing guilt, doubt, and trepidation

Bullying Moment:

Marsha is a curiosity. Tall and thin, with tousled auburn hair and hazel eyes, she seems to have it all. She’s attractive, has loving parents, and a beautiful home life. Why on earth can’t she finish high school?

It’s two o’clock in the morning when Marsha bursts into her parents’ home, startles them awake, and demands a family meeting. Victor and Amanda sit groggy-eyed at the table as Marsha paces around the kitchen.

“What’s the point of living in a crowded dorm with people who are obviously jealous of me?” Marsha demands.

Victor and Amanda exchange shrewd looks. They know what’s coming: Marsha’s going to drop out of high school again. They had hoped that boarding school would make a difference, and now they are disappointed.

Marsha opens the refrigerator and searches for leftovers. “I’m not going back.”

Victor sighs. “You’ll work it out.”

Marsha bites into a roasted chicken leg. “Students do drugs in their dorm rooms. It’s like living with criminals.” Amanda wishes her daughter would use a knife and fork but she says nothing.

Victor rolls his eyes. “You’re exaggerating, as usual.”

“I told you,” Marsha says, “I’m not going back. Why are you so dense?”

Now Amanda springs into action. “We’ll talk about this in the morning. We’re all tired.”

Victor finally snaps: “I’ll tell you what I’m tired of. . . .”

“If the school is not right for her, it’s not right for her,” says Amanda.

“For a third time?”

Marsha knows the drill: Her father’s voice will increase in volume, and then her mother will start to cry.

“If you make me go back, I don’t know what I’ll do,” Marsha says as she begins to cry, hiding her face in hands. Amanda hugs her.

“I’ll call the school in the morning. This is your home. You are always welcome here.”

Amanda hands Marsha a napkin as Victor holds his head in his hands.

“Thanks, Ma.”

Marsha’s History

Marsha was a miracle baby, born on the eve of her mother’s forty-fifth birthday. Victor and Amanda showered their only child with gifts. Though they lived on a modest income, they toiled and stretched their finances so Marsha could live a privileged life.

Unfortunately, their pampering produced a sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation. Marsha has become accustomed to getting her own way all the time. She accuses others of jealousy or malice when they don’t support her. Worse, whenever faced with problems, Marsha relies on her parents to bail her out. If she does poorly in a class, Victor and Amanda blame the teacher and advocate for a new class. If Marsha has a conflict with a peer, Victor and Amanda claim she was being “scapegoated and ganged up on.” Always, Marsha skirts responsibility with her parents’ blessing.

Marsha’s Fears

As a child, whenever she heard Victor’s booming voice in the middle of the night, Marsha would jump out of bed and run into her parents’ bedroom, redirecting her father’s anger toward her and away from her mother. Amanda, by accepting Marsha’s protection, unwittingly fed the rift between Marsha and her dad, leaving Victor feeling alone and undermined in his own home.

Marsha has few acquaintances and a deepening distrust of people outside of her family. She tends to end friendships abruptly when the slightest disagreement or frustration arises. This leaves her with few companions other than her mother and father. As you might guess, Marsha has no desire to live independently or move away from home. This springs from a lack of maturity, but also a sense of responsibility that she must protect her mother from her father’s temper.

Family Dynamics

By indulging their daughter’s complaints and attempting to fix everything for her, Victor and Amanda’s love eventually descends into enabling. As a result, Marsha’s personality remains mired in early childhood. She never went through a healthy emotional separation from her parents, so she remains reliant on them for gratification and frustration relief.

Marsha’s unusual closeness and dependency on her parents also undermines her attunement with others. She presumes that everyone will coddle her like her parents—and when they don’t, she feels hurt and betrayed.

Immediate Interventions

Here are a few actions that Marsha’s parents can take right away.

Contact School Officials Amanda and Victor should contact the school immediately and find out the protocol for such situations. A family meeting with school official must be arranged so Marsha’s concerns can be addressed. It’s crucial that Marsha begin to take responsibility for her actions and stop relying on her parents to fix everything for her. Most boarding schools have psychologists or counselors who are trained to handle such situations. Marsha could also benefit from working with a school-based therapist who could help her make a positive adjustment to life on campus.

Set United Parenting Goals The sooner Amanda and Victor set united parenting goals, the better. Their conflicts have a corrosive effect on their child’s well-being. Their habit of arguing over parenting decisions in front of Marsha causes her distress and prompts her manipulative tendencies.

If working out their disagreements proves too difficult, Amanda and Victor should work with a parent coach or therapist who could help them stay united. It would also strengthen their relationship, improve their communication, and help them understand how their divided parenting style harms their daughter and triggers her manipulative bullying.

Once the school crisis is addressed, longer-term interventions include the following.

More Social Outlets for Marsha Marsha needs more relationships outside of her family. These could be gained through a part-time job, an internship, or a youth program. Experiences like these would help Marsha become more self-reliant and less dependent on her parents. Earning her own money, improving her social life, and developing more meaningful friendships would help Marsha feel more confident and successful. Consequently, she’ll begin to realize that she doesn’t have to manipulate or bully others to feel respected or valued.

Family Therapy If conflicts at home continue, family therapy would give Amanda, Victor, and Marsha a place to air their grievances and work on improving their communication.

A central cause of Marsha’s bullying is not being addressed: Marsha feels burdened by her parents’ troubled relationship. Victor feels alienated by his wife and betrayed by his daughter. Amanda is afraid of her husband’s temper and dependent on Marsha for emotional support. And Marsha is unable to move on in life until she feels secure that her father can resolve conflicts with her mother without becoming abusive.

A skilled family therapist would help everyone express these concerns and come up with new ways of being together. This would reduce tension and bring much-needed relief to the family. This dialogue may seem elementary, but without a therapist to supervise it, it may also feel impossible.