Your parenting style—and how good parents fall into bad habits
There are all kinds of parents: strict parents; pushover parents, tiger moms, and everything in between. In this chapter, we’ll examine the parenting styles that cultivate bullying behaviors in children. That’s right, these parenting styles actually promote bullying:
The guilty parent
The anxious parent
The fix-everything parent
We’re moving into tricky territory here, so keep an open mind. In Chapter 4, we examined children who are most likely to bully. Here I will present three parenting styles culled from two decades of studying bullied parents. They are not set in stone. Rather, they’re meant to provide you with a broad framework to understand your parenting style, how it informs your choices, and how it may encourage your kid’s bullying style.
Keep in mind, parenting styles overlap. You may instantly recognize yourself as one type, a combination of two, or a mish-mash of all three. The goal is to identify the style that matches your parenting the most and to help you avoid the pitfalls and complications that style produces.
The Guilty Parent
Let’s get started with one of my favorites. As you read through the following questions, see if any of them ring a bell. Do any of these traits sound familiar?
Do you tend to blame yourself for your kid’s problems?
Do you beat yourself up when you make a parenting mistake?
Do you negatively compare yourself with other parents?
Do you apologize to your kid more than you should?
Do your lose sight of what’s right and wrong in the face of your child’s demands?
Do you regret things that you’ve said or done as a parent?
Do you try to ease your guilty feelings with gifts or rewards?
Do you make excuses for your kid’s bullying behaviors?
Do you convince yourself that your kid is right when he is clearly wrong?
Do you struggle with the feeling that you’re failing as a parent?
If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, chances are, you’re a G.P. (guilty parent). Welcome to a very large (and awkward) club.
Don’t fret. Every parent feels guilty now and then. It’s unavoidable. You’re constantly faced with tough choices—choices you may feel guilty about, and choices that your kid won’t like. It’s impossible to be a good parent without being unpopular now and then.
As you begin to shed your guilt and gain confidence, don’t expect your kid to like the new you. Bullies are accustomed to getting their way with guilty parents. As you strengthen your parenting skills, expect an increase in conflicts, meltdowns, and protests. That’s right, bullying often becomes worse when parents begin to challenge behavior norms.
You are about to change the rules of the game. This will trigger resistance from your kid. Expect him to test your resolve.
But before we can design a plan to undo bullying behaviors, we need to take a good look at your guilty feelings. To be an effective parent, you’re going to have to stop letting guilt control you.
Meet the Guilty Parent
If you’re a guilty parent, blaming yourself feels natural. When something goes wrong, it must be your fault; when something doesn’t work out, you’re to blame.
Whenever I meet with guilty parents, many questions come to mind:
What is the real source of their guilt?
Why is their inner critic so strong?
What insecurities does parenting awaken in them?
As we learned in Chapter 3, your dominant attitudes about parenting spring from your history. That means that your guilt was there long before you stepped into a parenting role. Becoming a parent just magnified these feelings and brought them to the surface.
Most guilty parents were treated harshly by their own parents. Their parents were critical and disapproving, or held them accountable when things went wrong. The voices of disparaging parents leave toxic imprints that morph into crippling, self-critical feelings of shame.
When parents blame their children, children begin to doubt or question their own judgment. They lose confidence in their abilities; they struggle with fear and feelings of humiliation. And when they become parents, they take these insecurities with them. In fact, parenting intensifies their self-disparaging emotions.
Relentless Regret
It’s impossible to make clear-headed decisions when you’re filled with self-doubt. When something goes wrong, guilty parents suffer from a bad case of the “shoulds.”
I should have known this would happen.
I should have been more careful.
I should have listened to my gut.
There’s nothing wrong with self-reflection when it inspires greater mindfulness. But guilty parents never get that far. For them, guilt is a punishing force that blocks out the light of insight, generates angst, and undermines confidence. Over time, it causes them to question, doubt, or panic over the simplest parenting decisions.
How Guilty Parents Become Bullied Parents
Kids are quick to pick up on their parents’ guilty feelings. They sense their parents’ indecisiveness and lack of confidence. They see their parents as weak or ineffective.
When kids enter test periods, guilty parents typically have difficulty maintaining their conviction. They give in to their kids’ demands in an effort to avoid conflict. As children discover that they can control their parents by making them feel guilty, they slowly begin to bully as a means of getting their way. And before you know it, the guilty parent’s relationship with her kid is mirroring her relationship with her parents. Just as her parents blamed her as a means to control and manipulate her, so does her kid. She begins to accept blame, just as she did in her childhood.
Guilty parents are dedicated and enthusiastic, ready to sacrifice their own needs in a heartbeat. The problem is that their guilty ruminations have a corrosive effect on their leadership and their children’s respect for them. Guilty parents are too permissive and indulging, too avoidant of conflicts and confrontations to provide the leadership that kids crave.
But here’s the worst part: Guilt-fueled parenting decisions don’t resolve guilty feelings, they perpetuate them. And that’s the last thing any guilty parent needs!
To truly appreciate the guilty parent’s dilemma and understand her inner struggle, let’s get to know one who is raising a manipulative bullying teen.
PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET SANDRA
Status: Working mom with a husband and two children
Parenting Style: Guilty
Child’s Bullying Style: Manipulative
Weak spots: Doubt, self-blame, indecisiveness, fear of rejection
Bullying Moment:
Sandra stands on her dimly lit front porch, car keys in one hand and the cold handle of the screen door in the other. She thinks, “I can’t believe that I’m actually sneaking into my own house!”
Suddenly, Joanna, her thirteen-year-old daughter, appears on the other side of the screen. “You missed dinner,” she says.
Sandra catches her breath. “Sorry . . . I . . .” Apologizing again! Sandra had promised herself to stop.
Joanna sneers. “Why bother coming home at all? Just sleep in your office.”
Today, Sandra had closed a big advertising account at the town paper. At work, she felt exhilarated. But now, at home, she feels like a failure. The love of her husband, Brian, and her adorable six-year-old, Sammy, are not enough to stop her guilty feelings. In fact, sometimes they inadvertently make her feel worse. Even Sammy’s greetings induce guilt in Sandra. “Welcome home, Mommy! Daddy let me stay up late to see you.”
Another pang of guilt as Sandra thinks to herself, “Is it really that late?”
Joanna tosses aside her homework and stomps up the stairs to her bedroom. Sandra calls after her.
“I’m off tomorrow. How about we catch a movie?”
“No thanks.”
“How about lunch?”
“Take me clothes shopping.”
“Okay. Great!”
Joanna has plenty of clothes, and Sandra knows it. But shopping is the only time they have left together. It doesn’t occur to Sandra that she’s rewarding Joanna’s bullying with unappreciated gifts.
Sandra has it all: a loving husband, attractive children, a beautiful home, and a thriving career. Why on earth does she feel guilty?
Before we can give Sandra the tools to take back her power, we have to clean up her negative self-talk. Let’s begin by applying what we learned in Chapter 3 and examine the causes of her guilt.
An Idolized Father
Sandra adored her dad, a traveling salesman beloved by his customers. She can still hear the sound of his baritone voice singing out when he walked in the front door. “I’m home, you lucky people!”
Sandra loved his gargantuan bear hug that lifted her off her feet.
“How’s my big girl?”
The moment he arrived home, Sandra showered him with kisses. He rewarded her with silly stories and special gifts from far-away, exotic places like New Jersey or Connecticut.
Sandra yearns for Joanna to greet her the same way. Instead, all she gets is sarcasm. Even the gifts that she brings home for Joanna produce chilly rejections and feelings of failure.
“I would never wear that.”
“Next time, just give me money.”
“Seriously, you thought I’d like this? Do you even know who I am?”
A Critical Mother
Sandra’s mother remains a sour-faced reminder of disapproval. She didn’t support Sandra’s decision to return to work and reminds her every chance she gets.
“You wouldn’t have such struggles with Joanna if you’d stayed home.”
“Leaving your husband to care for your kids is plain selfish.”
“A mother has one job—to be a mother. I never abandoned my kids for a paycheck.”
Sandra brushes off her mother’s criticism, calling her old-fashioned and out of date. But her mother’s disapproving voice sticks in her mind and stokes her guilt. Sandra’s inner critic grows louder and stronger. She wonders if it’s impossible to be a good mother and have a life of her own.
A Distant Husband
Initially, Brian expressed excitement about Sandra returning to work. But now she senses resentment from him. He greets her coldly when she comes home and never defends her from Joanna’s attacks. At night, he stays on his side of the bed—and when she initiates contact, he rolls over and faces the wall. They used to have sex regularly; now, Sandra can’t remember the last time they even kissed.
On the other hand, Brian’s relationship with his daughter has never been better, They laugh often, go out to dinner, see movies together—all the things Sandra use to do with her husband. She wonders, “Has Joanna replaced me?”
Secret Fears
Every night in bed, Sandra replays her conversations with Joanna. She thinks of a million comebacks to Joanna’s sarcasm. But the next day, in the heat of the moment, her mind goes blank.
Sandra doesn’t realize that Joanna crafts her hurtful barbs to provoke guilt, which gives her power over her mother. Guilt gives Joanna freedom, spending money, and clothes.
Sandra is unaware of this because guilt often blocks out insight. After hurtful exchanges with Joanna, all Sandra can think is that she has failed as a parent.
Recommendations for Sandra
There are several ways Sandra can tackle the guilt issues.
Recommendation #1: Reunite with Her Husband Before Sandra can address the problems with her daughter, she needs to get her relationship with her husband back on track.
Couples with failing marriages cite poor communication as the number one source of their problems. As parenting duties increase, many couples experience a loss of sex drive and intimacy. They spend too much time servicing their children and not enough time servicing their marriage. Consequently, their relationship falls into disrepair.
Marriages require regular maintenance to run smoothly. The more Sandra and Brian withhold feelings from each other—frustrations, irritations, or dissatisfactions—the colder and more distant they will grow. Feelings that are withheld often turn into resentments with the power to deaden any relationship.
When closeness is lacking in a marriage, a father or mother may rely too much on their children to fill their intimacy needs. Brian’s closeness to his daughter is problematic because it’s exclusive: It shuts out his wife and splinters their parenting.
Sandra and Brian need to work on their relationship by dating again, spending childfree time together and exploring new activities. If the distance between them has grown too great, marriage counseling could help ignite the passion they once felt for each other. Then, when they’ve refreshed their relationship, it will be much easier to set united parenting goals and put a stop to Joanna’s bullying.
Recommendation #2: Individual Therapy Sandra suffers from crippling self-doubt. She has trouble making decisions, avoids confronting her daughter’s bullying, and resists either confronting her husband or asking for his support. All of this multiplies her insecurities and feeds her guilt.
Like many bullied parents, Sandra’s difficulties are deeply rooted in her past. Speaking with a therapist would be a great relief. She would gain from the insights into her feelings and understand how her guilt controls her. Individual therapy would also help liberate Sandra from the toxic self-doubt that fuels Joanna’s bullying.
Sandra may also benefit from joining a support group for working moms. Her struggles are well known to many women; the conflict between working and caring for her family is nothing new. The support of women struggling with the same issues would be a great relief and inspiration. Most important, a group would end Sandra’s sense of isolation and help her develop specific strategies for strengthening her parenting and remaking her relationship.
Recommendation #3: Adolescent Therapy What’s fueling Joanna’s bullying? Why is she such a grump?
Chances are that there are emotional tensions in Joanna’s life that she hasn’t shared with her parents. No doubt, Joanna is also acting out the conflicts in her parent’s marriage. While she enjoys the closeness with her father, deep down she feels bad about excluding her mother. Colluding with one parent against the other is psychologically damaging for kids. Often, it causes bullying.
Brian’s silence in the face of Joanna’s abuse of her mother is troublesome. Not confronting his daughter is tantamount to supporting her bullying.
Like many teenagers, Joanna is probably unable to share her fears with her parents. Working with an adolescent psychotherapist or counselor would give her a place to vent her concerns and gain more support.
The Anxious Parent
Do you obsessively worry about your kid?
Do you imagine worst-case scenarios?
Do you dread your child’s rejection?
Do you cling to your child for comfort?
Do you feel hurt when your kid excludes you?
Are you socially isolated?
Do you have a history of anxiety?
Do you panic during the conflicts?
Does your anxiety result in headaches, backaches, or other physical pain?
Would you rather be a friend than a parent to your kid?
If you’re an anxious parent, you carry around a basketful of worries that you nurse daily. Your free-floating anxiety attaches itself to any number of fears or concerns about your child. As your anxiety gets out of control, you’re likely to begin obsessing and worrying about every little detail of your kid’s life.
Every good parent experiences anxiety. Once you cross over to parenthood your perspective of the world changes drastically; you have fears and concerns that you never had before. You worry about your kid. You see danger lurking everywhere.
This anxiety fuels your impulse to protect your child, an expression of love that nearly every living creature experiences. But no matter how much you try, you can’t protect your kid from all of life’s difficulties (see Seven Parenting Crises in Chapter 8 for a detailed list of these challenges).
As kids strive toward independence, worries mount and anxious parents take the impulse to protect too far. In an effort to control their anxiety they attempt to control their kids. They become overly involved in every aspect of their children’s lives. Naturally, this provokes resentment and rebellion.
Sadly, the more protective anxious parents become, the more unappreciated and misunderstood they feel.
How Anxious Parents Fuel Bullying
Too often, anxious parents become fretful chatterboxes who over-share their fears, saddle their kids with worries, or express doubts about their kids’ capabilities. Problem is, kids experience their parents’ anxiety as a lack of confidence in them.
Why doesn’t my mother believe in me?
Why does my dad always doubt me?
Don’t my parents realize that their worrying stresses me out?
No kid benefits from a voice-of-doom parent. Parents’ anxieties can fuel self-doubt in their children, who begin to resent their parents and feel weighted down by their constant angst. To defend themselves against their parent’s fears, many kids will begin to bully in an effort to establish better boundaries.
Living with an anxious person can stress anyone out. It can make anyone act in ways they later regret. Having someone fretting about you constantly is a grueling way to live. Over time, it’s certain to damage any relationship.
What Makes Anxious Parents So Anxious?
Like the guilty parent, history comes into play here. Chances are, anxious parents were anxious before they became parents. Having a child simply amplified their fears.
Many anxious parents lacked emotional support and sensitivity from their parents during their own childhoods. As adults, they have difficulty trusting others and tend toward isolation, choosing to shy away from closeness or conflict. With few intimate relationships, they run the risk of falling into depression or growing too dependent on their children.
When their kids begin to long for greater independence, anxious parents are likely to feel abandoned or rejected.
Before we go any further, let’s cozy up to an anxious parent and see how her attempts to control her son backfire.
PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET DOROTHY
Status: Stay-at-home single mom, one child
Parenting Style: Anxious
Child’s Bullying Style: Defiant
Weak Spots: Social isolation, overdependence on her son
Bullying Moment:
Dorothy adores her seventeen-year-old son, Stewart. Tall and thin, with a mop of red hair, Stewart is most at ease playing guitar in his rock band. This wins him many adoring fans. (He’s a heartthrob with sad eyes. Need I say more?)
Entering Dorothy’s home is like entering the “Stewart Hall of Fame.” Dorothy’s hallway greets you with dozens of photos of Stewart; Stewart in diapers; Stewart showing off his first tooth, Stewart playing his first guitar. As you scan the pictures, you’ll find no recent pictures of Stewart; after twelve years old, they stop completely.
Throughout Stewart’s childhood, Dorothy enjoyed preparing big dinners for him. She looked forward to hearing him talk about the details of his day. She adored the closeness they shared. Now, however, Stewart gulps down his food so quickly she wonders if he tastes it at all. Then he flees to his bedroom and locks the door.
Dorothy doesn’t like the changes she sees in Stewart. She does her best to ignore the pit she feels in her stomach.
On the morning of his birthday, when Stewart announces that he’s not coming home for dinner, Dorothy is devastated. He grunts out one-word responses to her questions.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“With who?”
“Friends.”
“From where?”
“School.”
Trembling, Dorothy musters up her strength and announces: “You’re not going anywhere. You’re grounded!”
Stewart bursts into laughter. It breaks Dorothy’s heart.
“You’re funny,” he says. He gulps down his orange juice, grabs a piece of toast, and heads for the door.
Dorothy calls after him. “Come home right after school.”
“Not happening.”
“I’m warning you.”
“Get a life, Dorothy.”
It is the first time he has called her “Dorothy” and not “Mom.” When Stewart is gone, Dorothy can’t stop her tears.
Let’s delve into Dorothy’s pasts and find out how she is using her relationship with her son to fill in the gaps in her life.
A Lonely Childhood
Throughout elementary and middle school, Dorothy was quiet and awkward, with few friends and a love of fantasy novels. Abandoned by her mother, her Grandma Pat was Dorothy’s only family. They lived together, rarely having guests or friends visit.
While Dorothy was in high school, Grandma Pat’s health began to fail. Dorothy became her grandmother’s caretaker, cooking meals and shopping while her peers went to parties and planned for college. Grandma Pat held out until Dorothy’s high school graduation, and then quietly passed away.
Social and Emotional Isolation
Dorothy’s one brief romantic relationship (too awkward to describe here) produced Stewart. She, like Grandma Pat, raised a child without the support of a family or a spouse.
Throughout his childhood, Stewart was Dorothy’s constant companion. But adolescence changed all that. Now, the more independent he becomes, the more abandoned and alone Dorothy feels.
Critical Self-Talk
Dorothy can’t stop her critical self-talk. Even on good days, the negative voices still whisper in her ears.
Everyone always leaves you.
You’re unlovable.
Stewart hates you.
Recommendations for Dorothy
Dorothy needs to tackle her anxiety on several levels.
Recommendation #1: Social Engagement Clearly, Dorothy is too isolated and dependent on Stewart. Unless she forms new relationships, finds meaningful work, or becomes more active in her community, it’s likely that her anxiety will increase and she’ll become a complete recluse, like her Grandma Pat.
Out-of-control anxiety grows worse over time, and it’s impossible to live with. Getting Dorothy’s anxiety under control is a top priority. Then we can focus on her relationship with her son.
Recommendation #2: Counseling for Stewart Stewart’s bullying consumes him with guilt. He regrets losing his temper, he doesn’t want to defy his mother, but he can’t contain the frustration she causes him. At school, he’s even tempered and good humored. But the moment he gets home and hears her voice, he tenses up. Sometimes when she tries to hug him, he instinctively pulls away. On school days, he can’t get out of the house fast enough.
No matter what your age, an anxious parent is a burden. Kids tend to feel responsible for their parents’ anxiety and blame themselves for it. That’s why Dorothy’s tearfulness doesn’t trigger compassion in Stewart; it triggers resentment.
Counseling with a male therapist could be a great relief for Stewart. Stewart has never had father figure or male mentor. Being abandoned by his father leaves him with an emptiness and anger that he can neither understand nor begin to express to his mother. Every day, he’s consumed with thoughts and feelings that he doesn’t understand. A male therapist could help him learn to explore and express these feelings rather than bullying his mother for tension relief.
Recommendation #3: Family Counseling Dorothy’s emotional neediness drives Stewart’s bullying. The more she clings, the more cross he is with her. Calling her by her first name is a symbolic step for firmer emotional boundaries between him and his mother.
Stewart’s therapist could also arrange for family sessions with Dorothy, with the goal of reducing the tension between them and improving their communication. No one benefits from bullying; both Stewart and Dorothy suffer as a result of it. The problem is that they lack the tools to talk through their fears and insecurities with each other. A skilled therapist could help them do so and give them a place to work through their conflicts and express their concerns without hurting one another.
The Fix-Everything Parent
Do you find your kid’s unhappiness torturous?
Would you do anything to prevent your kid from suffering?
Are you more ambitious about your kid’s academics than he is?
Do you feel that your kid never works up to his potential?
Are you a micromanager?
Do you have trouble tolerating your kid’s indecisiveness?
Are you competitive with other parents?
Are you more active in your kid’s school than she is?
Do you have an inflexible vision of your kid’s future?
Do you feel wounded when your child rejects you?
Fix-everything parents are truly heroic. They’re empathic, attentive, tuned in, quick to respond when something goes wrong, ready in a heartbeat to save their kids from frustration.
They delight in solving their kids’ problems and providing solutions. They enjoy indulging their offspring and don’t mind their children’s dependence on them.
All these qualities seem loving, right? So, why do their kids bully them?
How Your Being a Fixer Can Turn Your Kid into a Bully
As we learned in Chapter 1, obstacles are the raw materials from which children forge a solid sense of self. Each time they overcome challenges on their own, they learn to better tolerate frustration and persevere when obstacles appear in their paths.
Supportive parents allow this process to unfold without forcing solutions on their children or saving the day by rescuing them. As a result, their kids develop the self-confidence and assurance they need for a solid emotional core. Each personal victory helps them discover who they are.
In this way, healthy doses of frustration drive every phase of child development. Children wrestle with simple tasks such as learning to walk, eating with a spoon, or holding a pencil. Every time that they master a new skill, they mature a little and gain self-trust and self-definition.
Fix-everything parents disrupt this process. By stepping in and saving their kids from frustration, they rob their children of growth opportunities and generate gaps in their children’s development. In time, their kids begin to resent their hovering. Consequently, they bully their parents even as they remain dependent on them. This promotes an unhealthy sense of entitlement and privilege among children.
Say Hello to Healthy Frustration
Fix-everything parents have a hard time seeing their kids’ frustrations as healthy. The moment fix-everything parents sense their children’s discomfort, they go into rescue mode.
In truth, they’re not rescuing their kids; they’re rescuing themselves. Unable to bear frustration and the uneasy feeling that their children are failing, they act to resolve the discomfort by solving kids’ problems for them. They don’t understand that frustration in manageable doses is healthy and necessary for a kid’s emotional development.
As one mother of a high school student put it: “My son would fall apart without me helping him every step of the way. He needs me to succeed.”
If that is true, how will he manage to function without her in college? Keeping her kid dependent may feel good to her, but how will that help him in the long run?
Let’s observe a fix-everything parent in action and note the problems it creates for his kid.
PARENTING DILEMMA: MEET EDWARD
Status: Married, working parent, first child
Parenting Type: Fix everything
Weak Spots: Helicoptering, micromanaging
Bullying Moment:
Five-year-old Teddy is always on the go. He loves to build and repair things. When the classroom pencil sharpener jams, Teddy cleans out the cylinders. When the radiator drips, Teddy is ready with his little red bucket to catch the water.
Teddy’s father, Edward, a financial adviser in his early thirties, loves being a dad. Every morning, he helps Teddy get dressed and cooks his breakfast. He delights in spoiling his only son.
After a big breakfast, Edward straps Teddy into a bike seat and together they cycle to school. Edward loves to hear his son laugh and yell, “Wheeeeeee!’ from the back seat.
Today, when Edward and Teddy arrive at school, they follow their usual routine: Teddy stores his jacket and backpack in his cubby, while Edward chats with Teddy’s teacher about Teddy’s academic progress. Edward greets other parents by name, arranges for play dates, and swaps stories.
Today, as Edward chats, Teddy sits down in the toy area and resumes work on a small model airplane he began yesterday. Teddy’s hands tremble as he struggles to snap the pieces in place. It’s tough going for tiny fingers! When he finally attaches the plane’s wings, he lets out a little cheer, raises his arms in victory, and quickly turns his attention to the propeller.
However, connecting it is even more frustrating than Teddy imagined, and he struggles mightily.
When Edward notices Teddy’s frowning face, his heart sinks. He hates to see Teddy upset. “What’s up, buddy? Making an airplane?” he asks. Edward takes the plane from Teddy, and snaps the propeller into place. “Look, it’s easy.”
Teddy turns bright red. His eyes flood with tears. Sensing a meltdown, Edward kneels down to hug his son, who squirms away, pulls the airplane apart, and scatters the pieces on the carpet.
“I fixed it for you. C’mon Teddy, don’t do that.”
Teddy bangs his head on the table hard, creating a red blotch in the center of his forehead. Edward is taken aback. “Don’t do that, Teddy! You’re hurting yourself.”
Just then, Edward’s cell phone rings. He realizes that he is late to a meeting at his office. He abruptly pats Teddy on the back and turns to leave. “I have to go. Have a good day, buddy.”
Teddy starts throwing blocks at him and yelling, “You’re stupid!” His voice booms throughout the classroom, and everyone turns to watch.
Edward, horrified and humiliated, crouches beside Teddy and grumbles in hushed tones: “I have to go, Buddy. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Get away from me! I hate you”
Edward dashes for the exit, hurt and mystified. Why does Teddy have these meltdowns? Why doesn’t he appreciate what his dad does for him?
Edward’s History
Edward’s own father, a regional manager for a sales company, lived on the road and was rarely home. Edward yearned for his father’s attention, but his dad was always too worn out and exhausted to play. Edward promised himself that if he became a father, his child would never feel neglected.
Today, Edward finds himself caught between fatherhood and the demands of his work. He’s determined to attend all of Teddy’s school events; yet, he’s been missing more and more of them.
Adding to Edward’s stress is his recent promotion that requires him to travel on weekends—the very dilemma that doomed his relationship with his own father.
Can Edward provide for his family without neglecting his son?
A Fix-Everything Habit
The talent that makes Edward such a successful financial adviser—being a fixer—is a catastrophe when applied to parenting. In fact, it fuels Teddy’s meltdowns.
For example, Teddy didn’t ask for help when assembling the plane. Edward may have thought that he was saving the day, but he was actually undermining his son’s desire to do it himself—and triggering a meltdown in the process. In effect, when Edward finished the plane, he stole Teddy’s victory.
Of course, that was just one small, troubling moment. But repeating these fix-everything episodes over and over will plant the seeds for bigger problems.
Edward’s Spoiling
Overindulgence sets the stage for bullying and entitlement. The word spoiling has been around a long time. It reminds me of milk that has gone bad. When you repeatedly reward your child, tend to his every need, and fail to provide him with chores or responsibilities, he begins to develop an overblown sense of privilege and comes to expect others to service him, too. When he discovers that others aren’t so selfless, he feels rejected. As a result, healthy peer relationships become elusive.
Teddy pays a heavy price for his father’s spoiling. He suffers poor peer relations, expects his teachers to constantly assist him, and lacks the ability to follow through on difficult tasks. The more that Edward does for Teddy, the less Teddy does for himself.
Recommendations for Edward
Here are a few ways Edward can begin to address his impulses to fix Teddy’s life.
Recommendation #1: Lessons on Child Development Since Edward loves to understand how things work, I would recommend books on child development so he could gain a greater understanding of his son’s developmental needs.
Edward would enjoy a psycho-educational approach to fatherhood and childhood. As he studies the role of frustration and understands its importance, he would learn to withhold the impulse to fix things for his son. He could come to understand that standing back and supporting Teddy as he struggles to complete a task is more important than solving life’s problems for him.
Recommendation #2: Shared Parenting Edward’s determination to meet Teddy’s every need is heartfelt but impractical. Edward is attempting to undo the feelings of neglect he suffered in his childhood by overreaching in his attention to Teddy. While his heart is in the right place, he is in danger of parent burnout because, when it comes to parenting, he feels he must do everything himself.
No parent can be everywhere at once. Edward needs to step back and allow his wife to share more parenting responsibilities. She’d be glad to take Teddy to school or prepare his breakfasts. Edward’s doting borders on controlling. It shuts out his wife and creates an imbalance in the parenting Teddy receives.
Recommendation #3: Gifts, Rewards, and Responsibilities Although generosity is an admirable trait, Teddy would benefit from more responsibilities around the house, such as clearing away the kitchen table after a meal, tidying up his room, or organizing his toys. Naturally he will resist, but by holding firm and encouraging him to play his part in maintaining the family home, Teddy will break free of his unhealthy sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation of others.
Household tasks will also help Teddy develop a sense of personal responsibility and plant the seeds for caring for others. The more that he takes responsibility, the better he will feel about himself and his environment. Then, rather than taking other people’s generosity for granted or bullying his parents for what he wants, he would learn to balance his needs with the needs of others.
Kids need their parents’ support more than their parents’ service. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to undo bullying by giving you and your kid just the right amount of power.