index
abandonment, feelings of, 95–96
absent parents, 61
abusive behavior, 61
rewarding, 32
activities, enjoyable, with child, 137
adolescence, 63, 89, 92, 176, 203
adolescent therapy, 116, 173–174
adoption, 197–199
anger
arousing righteous, 154
avoiding, 60
at sick parent, 191
anxiety
change or crisis and, 182
children awareness of parent’s, 199–200
in parenting, 9
source of, 169
anxious bully, 90–99
apology, 136
excessive, 145–146
“Army mom,” 166–167
attention, trying to gain parent’s, 196
auditory processing, 49
auditory processing disorder (APD), 185–186
authoritarian parenting, backlash against, 59–60
author’s journey, 9–14
baby, new in house, 17
bad habits, 3
badgering phase, for anxious bully, 93–94
begging phase, for anxious bully, 93
behavior of children
pausing before reacting, 4
as reflection of parent, 14
responsibility for, 13
behavior of parents, repeating, 54
bereavement, 204
as faulty coping mechanism, 153
on guilty parent, 109–110
vs. responsibility, 83
boarding school, 175–178
alternatives, 178–179
long-term impact, 179–180
boundaries, see limits
boxing, 70
break from parenting, 65
Buddhist center, 11–12
bullied parents, 7–8, 59–64, 110–111, 116–122
bullying
cause of, 35
and frustration, 29–31
origins of, 27
pause button for, 17
problem of surrender to, 32
transition of testing moments to, 31
unidentified learning differences as cause, 88
see also cures for bullying
bullying behavior style, 77–105
anxious bully, 90–99
defiant bully, 78–89
manipulative bully, 99–105
burned-out parent cure, 66–76
burnout quiz, 65
calming phrase, 138
calmness, 37
cancer, 191–192
cardio exercise, for reducing
anxious/depressive symptoms, 38
child development, parent lessons on, 128
child support, legal action to gain, 98–99
child/adolescent therapy, 116, 173–174
childrearing, proverbs on, 8
clinical social workers, 173
cognitive behavior therapy, 174
cognitive performance, measuring, 47–48
communication, 36
see also listening
comparison, of self to others, 146–152
complaining, 81
compliance, 29
computer games, 39–40, 96, 167, 169
conflict
avoiding, 111
drive for independence and, 28–29
in marriage, 195
consciousness, 19
consultation with therapist, preparing for, 172
coping mechanisms, stopping reliance on faulty, 152–154
counseling, see therapy
couples therapy, 196
creativity, 71–74
children’s reaction to parents’, 73
crises, see parenting crises
critical self-talk, 121
cures for bullying, 37–50
building self-esteem, 41–43
finding tension outlets, 38–41
learning diagnostics, 46–50
structures, limits and boundaries, 43–45
teachers, models, and mentors, 46
daily schedules, boarding school and, 177–178
dance, 42
de-escalating conflict, 34–35
defensiveness, 87
delinquent behavior, boarding school for treating, 176
demands of child, 10
denial, as faulty coping mechanism, 153
dependency, defiance as form of, 80
depression, 75
determination, 133
replacing self-criticism with, 144–145
developmental responses to adolescence, 92
disharmony, 4
distrust, 102
divided parenting, 158–159
educational evaluation, 87–88
emotional boundaries, 44
emotional core, strengthening, 132
emotional development, requirements for, 38
emotional identification, and intellectual understanding, 54
emotional isolation, 121
emotional neglect, 17
emotional trauma, 61
emotions
conscious and unconscious, 19
hiding, 168
repressed, 89
encouraging, 36
energy, lack of, 68
entitlement, sense of, 102
environment, changing with boarding school, 179
esteem-building activities, 89
excessive apologies, 145–146
executive functioning, 49
family
dynamics, and manipulative bully, 103
strict vs. permissive culture, 44
support from, 163–166
family sessions, 98
family therapy, 104–105, 122, 174
father, temper of, 103
fatherhood, vs. work demands, 126–127
defenses against, 194
of parents, 169
of parent’s death, 169–170
feelings
children connecting with, 52
crisis impact, 183
managing, 141–154
respecting child’s, 194
financial instability, 199–200
protecting children from issues, 200
fix-everything parent, 123–129, 134
fragile identity, 181
freedom, 45
friends, support from, 163–166
friendships, 98
benefits in child development, 124
and bullying, 29–31
funerals, children at, 202–203
Gandhi, Mahatma, 13
generations, bullying culture between, 59–60
generosity, 128–129
getting their way, 81
grieving process, including children in, 203
group therapy, 174
guidance counselor, 171
guilty parent, 108–116
manipulative bully with, 111–112
happiness, 4
healthy frustration, 124
healthy social development, requirements for, 38
history, and parenting, 19
homework, battles over, 49
hopelessness, 75
household responsibilities, 97
husband
confronting, 151–152
resentment of working mother, 114
identity, being parent and, 9
illness and injury, 190–194
independence
drive for, and conflict, 28–29
vs. parents’ control of kids, 117
individuality, uncertainty about, 80
inner critic, evicting, 144
insurance company, coverage of neuropsych evaluation costs, 50
intergenerational family patterns, changes in, 57
interior work, 133
Internet access, 96
interventions, by parents, 86–89
isolation, 168
journal, 24, 25–26, 53–54, 142, 145, 150, 154
judgment, 43
judgmental stares of nonparents, 11
knee-jerk apology, 145
leadership, by parents, 169
learning diagnostics, 46–50
learning differences, 85, 200–201
lecturing by parents, 52
loneliness, 120
manipulative bully, 99–105
with guilty parent, 111–112
marriage, maintenance of, 115
mastery, child’s feelings of, 28
medical check-up, 88
memories of childhood, 52, 149
mental health professionals, 173
mentors, seeking terrific, 46
models
of behavior, 140
of negative behavior by parent, 159
seeking terrific, 46
modern-day parenting, 3
moral fiber, 43
motivation, lack of, 68
narcissistic parent, 62–63
negative behaviors, parent modeling of, 159
negative self-image, 150
negative self-talk, 112
negativity, 133
neglect by parents, 61
permissiveness as, 151
negotiation, 33–34
neuropsychological evaluation, 47–48, 50, 201
noncommunication, 135
normative developmental crises, 92
obsessions, 95
obstacles, in self-concept development, 123
Outward Bound, 179
overindulgence, 127
parent support group, 97
parent-free world, spending time in, 74
parenting
best quality, 207
healing work of, 3–4
and history, 19
inherited choices, 56–57
light and dark sides, 55–57
making pleasurable, 206–209
practice of, 14
struggles in, 206–207
success, 206
variations, 51
see also burned-out parent
parenting crises, 181–208
adjustments and transitions, 187–189
adoption, 197–199
death, 202–205
divorce, 195–197
financial instability, 199–200
illness and injury, 190–194
learning issues, 200–201
regression from, 183–187
trauma, 193–194
unexpected, 182–183
parenting styles, 107–129
anxious parent, 116–122
conflict in, 160
fix-everything parent, 123–129
guilty parent, 108–116
parenting toolbox, 131–155
comparing self to others, 146–152
managing feelings, 141–154
responsibility for behavior, 140–141
sticking to vision, 133–140
stopping reliance on faulty coping mechanisms, 152–154
parenting workshops, 171
parents
abuse of, 7–8
as cheerleaders, 28
child’s rejection of support, 28
death, 205
dependence on, 90
exercise on qualities, 157–159
interventions by, 86–89
partner, as support, 158–163
passive-aggressive behavior, 134–135
permissive family culture, 44, 59–60
permissiveness
of guilty parents, 111
as neglect, 151
personal history, influence, and parenting choices, 52
play therapy, 173
posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 169
praise, for progress, 36
pressure, from school, 47
proactive loops, vs. reactive, 25
problem solving, by parents, 123
process in transitions, 188–189
proverbs, on childrearing, 8
psychiatrists, 173
psychologists, 173
psychopharmacologists, 173
PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), 169
punishment, 12, 32–33, 184, 186
quality nonparenting time, 74
rationalization, as faulty coping mechanism, 153
reactive loops, vs. proactive, 25
rebelling against restrictions, 29–30
recognition, 63
referral for therapist, 171
regression, from crisis, 183–187
regret, 110
relationships
building solid foundation for, 139
with husband, 114–115
importance, 5
outside family, 104
rebooting, 2–3
walking together for, 40
repressed emotions, 89
responsibilities, household, 97
responsibility
avoiding, 102
for behavior, 140–141
vs. blame, 83
for child’s behavior, 13
restrictions, rebellion against, 29–30
revenge, 12
rewards, 128–129
for abusive behavior, 32
negotiation for, 34
road trip, 139
role model, 165
sarcasm, 114
saying no, 29
scapegoat, for bullies, 182
school
failure, boarding school as alternative, 177
impact of, 48–50
pressure from, 47
school officials, 166–170
contacting, 103
guidance counselor, 171
self, comparison to others, 146–152
self-absorption, of narcissistic parents, 63
self-awareness, 9
self-concept, obstacles in development, 123
self-criticism, stopping, 141–144
self-definition, by child, 29
in children from parents’ anxieties, 118
self-esteem, 146
building, 41–43
weight and, 40
self-image, negative, 150
self-knowledge, 13
self-mastery, 207
self-praise, 147
self-reliance, need to develop, 90
self-soothing activities, 87, 90
self-talk
critical, 121
vs. inner critic, 144
negative, 112
separation from parents, need for, 103
shared parenting, 128
siblings
divided parenting and, 159
hostility between, 161
impact of, 17–18
sick parent, anger at, 191
skills, mastery by child, 28
sleep, 86
social action programs, 179
social development, requirements for, 38
social engagement, 121
social outlets, 104
spoiling, 127
sports, 139
spouse, as support, 158–163
stepparent, 148–149
strengths, praising, 147
stress
increased by games, 39
reducing, 86
strict family culture, 44, 59–60
structures, 43–45
substance abuse, boarding school for treating, 176
support group, for working moms, 116
support team, 157–180
friends and family, 163–166
mental health professionals, 173
school officials, 166–170
spouse or partner, 158–163
surrender, 32
talking to yourself, 142
teachers, seeking terrific, 46
teens, see adolescence temper, 103, 134, 136
temper tantrums, 15
tension
de-escalating, 37
finding outlets for, 38–41, 71
increased by games, 39
walking as outlet, 136
testing moments, 30–34
therapeutic boarding school, benefits, 177–178
therapy, 89
in boarding schools, 177
child/adolescent, 116, 173–174
couples, 196
for guilty parent, 115
individual, 174
limits of, 162
play, 173
for teen, 121–122
time limits,
for Internet access, 96
tools to end bullying, see parenting toolbox
transitions, as crisis, 187–189
trauma, 193–194
absence of, 102
anxious parent’s difficulty with, 118
of child in parent, 133, 141, 145
undervalued child, and defiance, 80
unexpected, planning for, 189
Veterans Association, mom’s support group, 168
vision, 133–140
walking, as tension outlet, 136
war, obsession with, 167
weight, 40
wilderness programs, 179
wills, battle of, 29
worry, bullying as expression of, 78