3

Average and His Team Get to Work

average was thinking about how much he was enjoying being a part of Gorman-Scott Inc., wandering the halls and hanging out in the break room. He liked it when people mistook him for Excellence. It validated his skill as a makeup artist. He was now present in every part of the company, from customer interactions to meetings, product fulfillment, and administration, and even in interpersonal matters. Average could not believe how easy it had been for him to kidnap Excellence at Gorman-Scott Inc. and replace her with himself without anyone noticing.

When Average learned of the ransom note, he called an emergency meeting with his own team in the basement of Gorman-Scott Inc. He needed his team members to continue their great work to keep Excellence from returning. Looking around the room, he had a sense of pride about the team he had assembled. He had personally trained each one of them in his art. He was aware that some called it an art of deception, but Average considered himself a legitimate makeup artist and enjoyed putting an Average face on Gorman-Scott Inc.

Sitting around the table were his protégés. Immediately to his right was N. Ept. Average was never happier than when he was in the presence of N. Ept, who was a master at convincing the higher-ups that the return on investment for training and education was not worthwhile. Average had heard N. Ept’s arguments so many times that he could repeat them word for word.

“Look,” N. Ept would say with conviction, “you hire smart and talented people. Just show them the ropes. Point them in a direction. Don’t waste a lot of time and money on orientation and extended training programs. In a short time, you will figure out whether they get it or not. If they do, great! If not, you will replace them with someone who does.”

Average was keenly aware that employees could have a good attitude and all the other elements for excellence, but if they were not competent in their work, customers would not be pleased with the total experience of doing business with the company. The opposite was also true. An employee could be great at the technical aspects of the job, but if he or she didn’t have a good attitude, the customer experience could still be easily below average.

N. Flexibility was sitting stiffly next to N. Ept. Average smiled as he recalled the day that N. Flexibility swore Flexibility as his archenemy. N. Flexibility was all about following policy and procedure; he would say, “If we’re not going to follow the policies and procedures, then why have them?” Average knew that on some level, paying attention to this degree of detail could actually lead to Excellence. The reality, however, was that people often perceived such approaches as sterile and robotic.

To the right of N. Flexibility was Miss Communication. Average considered Miss Communication to be the most sophisticated of his team members. She was able to use her unique skills on multiple fronts and at all levels of the organization. From an administrative perspective, she was adept at confusing messages from Leadership about the “new and improved” programs the company was rolling out. Her ability to twist Leadership’s words and meanings in the minds and perceptions of the employees was uncanny. From a day-to-day frontline perspective, her real talent lay in her ability to create unbridled confusion.

Average knew that just about anyone could give good customer service, but it took an exceptional employee to create a unique and exceptional customer experience. Miss Communication fostered the confusion that prevented this. She helped the employees to see the customers as “stupid” or “manipulators” or “unreasonable,” and thus the employees treated them as such. Although Average did not claim to understand how she accomplished this unique psychological feat, he knew that the usual outcome would be an average or below-average customer experience.

Next at the round table was N. Different. What Average loved about N. Different was her chameleonlike qualities. With these, she was able to induce a myriad of responses in employees that ranged from subtle passive-aggressive behavior to downright apathy when it came to interacting with people. She preyed upon those who talked the Excellence talk but did not walk the Excellence walk. Some years ago, Average had asked N. Different why she was so successful. She did not hesitate before responding. “I am an employee advocate,” she said. “I help them to understand—how should I say?—equity. Yes, I help them to understand equity. A fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay, eh?”

She continued, “Why should an employee go the extra mile when the company treats them like a number? I don’t mean that the company treats them unfairly in the traditional sense, but rather there is a lack of respect for the employees. It may be blatant, but more often it is subtle—disguised as superficial, meaningless incentives or manipulative management double-speak that touts the benefits of a high level of commitment to the employees but, in fact, benefits only the company.” N. Different smiled and said proudly, “So I teach employees to return the disrespect.”

N. Different had unique capabilities when it came to provoking employees into believing that “Average is Excellence” and was a self-proclaimed nemesis of Passion. She was an enigma to Average, yet somehow her methods worked. So many times he had seen her drive passion out of employees. She was like a hyped-up drill sergeant on the first day of boot camp. Inches from the faces of a line of new employees, she would lean in and begin her rhetoric:

“Are you required to smile?” she demanded. “No, you are not!” she said emphatically, eye-to-eye with the first employee. Moving to the next employee, she demanded, “Will you make a habit of saying ‘Thank you’?” Without pause, she declared, “You will not make a habit of saying ‘Thank you,’ especially to the customer. You are providing them with your time, your energy, your expertise! They should be thanking you!” Moving up close to the next employee, N. Different said in a hushed but authoritative voice, “Will you ever, under any circumstance, apologize?”

This time she did not answer her own question. Finally, the employee realized that he was expected to answer and blurted out, “No, sir. I mean, ma’am.”

“I can’t hear you!” N. Different yelled.

“No, sir! I mean, ma’am!” the employee yelled back.

Then, pacing up and down the line, N. Different gave the speech that Average had heard so many times in so many companies. “People, especially customers, are a necessary evil. You must deal with them, but they are not your bosses and they are not your mothers. You will provide your company’s service or product, but you are not obligated to be a cheerleader while you do it. You will ignore any hint of desire to go above and beyond the call of duty.” She paused and then yelled, “Do I make myself clear?”

The line of employees yelled back in unison, “Yes, sir! I mean, ma’am!”

Average thought how ironic it was that N. Different could generate so much passion about not being nice to everyone, especially the customer.

The final member of Average’s team, Poser, was sitting in the corner of the room instead of at the table. He was leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling while nursing a toothpick. Average noted that today Poser wore his flashy cowboy boots and cowboy hat, meaning that he was in a mood mainly made up of bravado. At other times, Poser wore his camouflage outfit, which signified a more subdued mood. When he was feeling wicked, Poser would put on a ventriloquist outfit of a tuxedo and bowtie, which meant that the employees were mere puppets or dummies who had their strings pulled by management. These were but three of the many characters he used to get employees to challenge his enemy, Ownership, and avoid taking responsibility. Companies might get off to a good start with initiatives that could lead to Excellence, but they needed Ownership to sustain it. Average knew that was Poser’s sweet spot.

Average cleared his throat to get his team’s attention. All went quiet, and Average said seriously, “We have a leak somewhere.”

“A leak?” N. Different asked.

Average passed copies of the ransom note around the table. He said, nodding at Miss Communication, “Thanks to Miss Communication, this came to my attention a short time ago.”

The team was dumbstruck. Each member was thinking the same thought: “Our team has always been so loyal to Average. How could any one of us betray him?” However, none of them spoke it aloud.

Average filled the void for them. “Look, I do not believe that any of you would have knowingly tipped off the organization about Excellence’s kidnapping.” There was a unanimous sigh of relief. “The fact of the matter is, however, Gorman-Scott Inc. is now aware of it,” he said.

“What are we going to do?” N. Ept inquired.

Surprising everyone, Average stood, slammed his fists on the table, and yelled, “I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. You’re all going to do your jobs! That’s what we are going to do!” He began slowly walking around the table. Finally he said, “What is it that we do?”

Miss Communication started to speak but stopped when Average raised his hand. He continued, “What we do is lull organizations into complacency, and that, my friends, leads to the holy grail of average: bad customer experiences and falling performance.

“What we do,” Average said with added emphasis, “is get companies to unknowingly lower their standards. Then they start to believe that I, Average, am, in fact, Excellence! In short, we deceive organizations.”

Still standing, he leaned forward, placed his hands flat on the table, and said in a taunting voice, “So my question to you is this: Are you capable of producing? This is where the rubber meets the road. Each one of you has a specific job to do. Can I count on you to continue to get the job done here at Gorman-Scott Inc.?”

Together the team yelled, “Yes, you can!”

“Then let’s get down to business,” Average said with pride. He unveiled a whiteboard with the names of both Excellence’s team members and his own written on it, and they began to decide what they were going to do next.

EXCELLENCE’S TEAM VERSUS AVERAGE’S TEAM

Average’s Team

N. Different

Continues to deflate Passion.

N. Different’s job is to destroy the zest for life inside of us. N. Different is willing to trade outcomes brought about by hard work for the path of least resistance.

N. Ept

Helps dumb down Competency.

N. Ept promotes the status quo in technical and interpersonal skills.

Miss Communication

Is always obfuscating Communication.

Miss Communication is a master of the mixed messages that promote confusion.

N. Flexibility

Constantly stiffens Flexibility.

N. Flexibility chooses policy and procedure over adaptability and common sense.

Poser

Disguises himself as Ownership

Poser simply wants to deceive and impress. Poser wants you to believe that he works harder, brings more value, and has more influence than others in the company.