CHAPTER 6
Why-I-Am-Here Stories
WHEN YOU ASK people to listen to you, there is a little voice in their heads that wonders, “What’s in it for you?” Most people assume if you have taken time, effort, and money to ask them to do something, you are getting something out of it. They don’t mind that you get paid to “sell” ideas or products. If you do not earn money out of the deal, they will, with evidence, buy into altruism. Regardless, there is an internal sense of fairness that judges the ratio of what you get out of this exchange in comparison to what they get. Even when people know they can get exactly what they want, they scan the deal for any evidence that you might be using them to get more than your fair share (completely subjective). Any sniff of exploitation from a transaction can be enough for a person to pull the plug on a deal—even if it costs them.
Experimental economics reveals via simulations, such as investment games and public good games, that fairness and reciprocity often matter more than utility. If an offer feels exploitative people prefer to take nothing and will even pay their own money to punish a “free rider.” It’s very human to abhor a user.
This doesn’t mean that the benefits of a product or idea are not important to a prospective buyer, it just means that we need to pay attention to the sequencing of our message. I was taught in Marketing and Sales 101 that answering their WIIFM—“What’s In It For ME?”—should be first. And yes, people certainly need to know what’s in it for them. However, I’ve noticed, and you may also have noticed, that people don’t relax and listen to what is in it for them until they are satisfied they know what’s in it for YOU.
No one wants to feel conned. Big promises of great benefit naturally raise the question: What’s in it for you? Turning a profit is fair enough. If everyone at the table is there to make money, and the distribution seems fair, then they are ready to listen to what comes next. However, if your prospect smells a rat, every benefit you promise is sniffed with suspicion.
It’s hard to tell if there ever was a deep social shift where “greed is good” was accepted as normal business on a large scale. Whoever tells the best story wins, and during the 1980s there were some master storytellers telling the “greed is good” story. Certainly those in jail or under prosecution for dishonorable business practices bought into that story. I prefer to believe that most people have always had a strong preference for honorable profits. It is to the greater good that we now have better documentation to ensure ethical behavior. The stories of shifty accounting scams at companies like Enron and WorldCom have increased the demand for proof that you and your company operate with integrity and transparency.
The Sarbanes-Oxley rules aren’t enough to deliver that warm, safe, trusting feeling to the general public. Most of us in the general public couldn’t comprehend the numbers even if we had them, and we simply assume trickery unless proven otherwise. People don’t want to see detailed financials. We simply want some kind of experience that makes us feel that you aren’t a “user.”
When someone recently told me a story about toying with the idea of lying to a police officer about speeding, I immediately assumed the man was fundamentally a truth teller—even when sorely tempted to lie. It was not rational or objective, but when a federal employee told me his story about struggling to tell the truth when asked, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” my trust increased. It was something about the way he described looking in his rear view mirror at his four-year-old daughter’s eyes knowing she just heard him reassure her mommy, “Relax, I’m only going ten miles over the speed limit.”
His desire to be a good dad earns him points with me, because most meetings I attend are full of people who are there primarily to provide a good life for their families. Most humans feel the urge to lie regardless of how smart or stupid it may be. Someone with enough self-awareness and integrity to admit that urge publicly is more trustworthy. I’m more trusting of someone who acknowledges temptation than of anyone who arrogantly purports that he always acts with integrity. His story is a good enough answer to my implicit question, “Why Are You Here?” I interpret his story to answer the question: “I’m here to do the right thing even when I don’t want to.” Once I know this, I’m ready to listen to what ideas he has to share.
Why Are You Here?
In most purchase decisions people choose to buy from people who are in the business for the love of it as well as the money, over those who are only in it just for the money. When fund-raising, “why you are here” is even more important.
Remember, most people automatically assume you are selling something they don’t really want or need, some idea that will increase the number of things they have to do today, or some other self-serving sneakiness that will benefit you more than them. This is perfectly normal. Our suspicions protect us from being duped, but it also unfairly discredits others as biased. Unless it is true that you seek only personal gain, you must take time to tell them why you are there. If you do seek only personal gain you need to work on more than just your story. The life of a user is a lonely life.
Most of us only need to let others know what makes us passionate about this deal, sale, or idea. Think about what gives you a deep sense of fulfillment: past successes of clients, the enjoyment of watching your client discover a new idea, the pleasure of a good night’s sleep knowing you helped someone.
STEP ONE. Think about the last time someone said “thank you” for a job well done. Why ARE you there trying to persuade people? Sure you get something for yourself, but surely you have other reasons, too. List some of them here.
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STEP TWO. After you have examined “why” you do what you do, start looking for stories that demonstrate in a visceral way the benefits you seek. Give your listeners an experiential sample of the charge you get from success so they can decide for themselves from their personal experience if you really are here for the right reasons.
Following are examples of Why-I-Am-Here stories from all four buckets. Read each one and immediately take a few minutes to jot down ideas of stories you might develop for yourself.
A Time You Shined
I was hired by a group of military decision makers to help facilitate a budget meeting. Their budgets had been cut about 15 percent every year for three years. For the previous three years the group had left planning meetings with action plans and good intentions to cut services in proportion to budget cuts. For three years decisions were overturned, ignored, or weakened by critical events. The group had not succeeded in making any substantial cuts. They were still doing everything they did three years ago with fewer and fewer resources. They were squeezed so tight everyone was frustrated and some were downright angry. Blame was starting to seep into e-mails, and the group was poised for a showdown. Budget meetings were typically considered a battleground anyway, so the atmosphere was emotionally tense, suspicious, and cynical.
So, I used poetry. Yep. I have no fear. I said, “We need to talk about feelings before we get to the numbers.” I talked really fast before they could kick me out. “I want to draw your attention to the feeling state that wins a war, and then we will examine the feeling state that helps you make good decisions about allocating resources.
“Let’s examine the feeling state that wins a war first,” I said. “I’d like to read part of a speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V”:
“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage.”
By the time I finished they were hulked into bodybuilder poses doing the Tim Allen grunt, “H-o-o-Ho-o-Ho-o.” I said, “This is how you work up a group to win a war with speed and aggression. This emotional state evokes specific behaviors, like surprise attacks, diversion, and secrecy. But we aren’t here to fight a war. We are here to make sober, calm budget decisions. This next poem describes the emotional state from which we can make wise, more considered decisions. This emotional state inspires very different behaviors.”
Then I read from Billy Rose’s poem, “The Unknown Soldier”:
“I am the Unknown Soldier,”
The spirit voice began,
“And I think I have the right
To ask some questions man to man.
“Are my buddies taken care of?
Was their victory so sweet?
Is that big reward you offered
Selling pencils on the street?
“Did they really win the freedom
They battled to achieve?
Do you still respect that Croix de Guerre
Above that empty sleeve?
I asked them “Can you feel the difference?” You could have heard a pin drop. Then I suggested they each know at least one person they had lost in a war situation. “If that man or woman could speak from the grave right now, what would they ask you to remember? What would they tell you to forget?”
These two story/poems changed the emotional climate of the people in the room. Frustration turned to courage, anger to resolve, and arrogance to humility. The conversations they had and the decisions they made were much more collaborative and more firmly grounded. Explaining why I was there caused them to reflect on why they were there.
We all have some idea of “doing the right thing for the right reasons.” Think back to a time when you felt like you did the right thing for the right reasons. Or even the “wrong thing” for the right reasons. Life is so complex, these kinds of stories aren’t often told because it feels so risky to discuss a moral judgment that may (probably will) contradict common wisdom or other people’s opinions. However, sharing a risky story about “Why You Are Here” anchors trust in a visceral way—even if your listener might have chosen another option. The point is that you both struggled over a moral dilemma. Think of a time you delivered more than people expected—a time when it would have been more to your personal advantage to walk away, but you didn’t because you wanted to take care of your client, coworker, boss, employee, or someone else important:
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A Time You Blew It
One of my all time favorite self-disclosure stories was told by a very dignified senior partner of a big accounting firm—one of the big four. (Remember when there were eight?) They hired me to teach storytelling to increase clients’ feelings of trust toward their firm. When the time came to share stories in a room of 150 partners, not one person was willing to risk going first—which tells you a bit about trust inside that firm. After a long wait, one of the most respected and powerful men in the room stood and walked to the front. He said:
“I had a really good day last month. My team was playing and I was there, watching from the 50-yard line. We won the game. I was a happy man. I went back to my hotel room. I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and two beers. After room service delivered it, in order to properly enjoy my feast, I stripped down to my tighty whities. I ate every bit of it. (Big smile) Lordy, I was a happy man. Until I went to set my tray outside and the napkin caught the glass and when I reached to catch it, I heard the click.
“I guess I should’ve realized there would be people on the elevator. But when it opened I did a little left-right-left look before I decided to hide behind a nearby palm tree. After that I punched the button and hid until I finally got an empty elevator. On my way down I realized I would soon have another problem. (Pause) I decided speed would be my friend so I streaked across the lobby. Halfway across I heard someone at the desk yell out, ‘What number?’ I told them, grabbed my new card key, ran back. When I was safe in my room, out of breath from my adventure, the phone rang. I puffed out, ‘Hello?’ This sweet voice said, ‘Sir, we just wanted you to know, if this ever happens again, we have phones on every floor.’”
The group was still laughing when he sat down. His story told the group, “I’m here to learn and have fun. I’m willing to embarrass myself to do it.” Once they heard his story almost everyone else decided that was why they were there as well.
Think about a time you caved in and regretted your action. Or perhaps there was a situation where you made a mistake, could have hidden it, but didn’t. Big mistakes make fabulous stories as long as you aren’t telling about unfinished issues. This is not the place to purge old shame and clean out an old skeleton for the first time. However, if you are emotionally finished with an issue, and have tested the skeleton for reactions, it’s a great time to turn a mistake into a good story. Particularly if you suspect someone might use this mistake against you.
When you tell a “mea culpa” story about your own mistakes first, it cheats your adversaries of the opportunity to discredit your intentions and polishes your reputation for transparency at the same time. Everyone has a time when they abused their influence for their own gain. Either out of greed, ambition, or insecurity you cut corners or put your own gain before your principles. Tell about a time when you forgot “why” you were there and tell the story in a way so people see that you will never let that happen again:
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A Mentor
One of my mentors was a man named Jim Farr. He always said, “A difference to be a difference must make a difference.” By the time I met him he had been a practicing psychologist for forty-five years, teaching leadership for twenty-five years. He was 75 at the time—loving, compassionate, and brilliant, rolled up into one grumpy package. Jim didn’t tiptoe around the truth. He told it like it was. Those of us who worked for him teased that he was “lovingly abusive.” He could work you over—that’s for sure. Jim was a 7th-level black belt in Aikido (a martial art dedicated to avoiding a fight or ending a fight quickly with least effort). In Aikido when someone comes after you, the idea is to tap into their momentum, turn their direction, bring them close and whomp, turn their attack into a little face time with the floor. Jim did this mentally as well as physically.
One day, he was trying to explain to me how much energy I wasted struggling against the flow. It seems my constant search for improvement had been reported by my peers as constant criticism—go figure. I must have been driving everyone nuts. He stood up, motioned for me to stand, and said, “throw me a punch.” I stuck my fist out in my best impression of a punch, and two seconds later I was on the floor. I was a fit 32 years old at the time, and he was 77. Then he did it again in slow motion. I threw the punch, and instead of punching me back he took my “offered” fist and pulled me toward him stepping left. He kept pulling until my body followed the momentum my punching arm had started. I was on the floor … again. He asked, “Now do you get it?”
I’ll never forget him, or that moment. He taught me that throwing a punch is not always an “attack.” It can also be an invitation to turn in that person’s direction and see what they see. At that point I can stop and look, or keep the momentum swinging back around to my point of view. It doesn’t work all the time, but at least I know from now on that I have many responses from which to choose when I feel attacked or feel like attacking what I see as a mistake. I don’t have to respond at all. If someone wants to win, I can let them. I’m here to learn, not debate.
People rarely have long conversations about “why” we are here. But if you reflect back, you will find one or two people who inspired you by their example. They may even have done something that literally made it possible for you to get to where you are. Tell a story about that person most responsible for you choosing this path. What person comes to your mind when you think about why you are here? What historical figure comes to mind as a role model for going the extra mile, not cutting corners, remembering the bigger picture? Who is that person? What story can you tell about how they inspire you to remember why you are here?
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A Book, Movie, or Current Event
A manager of a large retail company found himself with really bad numbers to report at the next sales meeting of over 2,000 sales staff members. Due to economic conditions, their last year’s performance was terrible. They had done the best they could but they had still failed their own goals. He chose to reframe facing that “failure” as heroic rather than weakness by using a scene from the film, The Matrix. In The Matrix, which is a movie about choices, an underground operative has powerful information that will change the neophyte from amateur into a warrior for justice. Accepting the responsibilities of knowing this information takes courage—it is a tough road. Morpheus forces Neo to understand that knowledge and wisdom can be a bitter pill to swallow, so he offers Neo a choice between a red pill or a blue pill. The manager retells the scene:
Morpheus (with a blue pill in his hand): “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. (A red pill is now shown in his other hand.) You take the red pill and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”
Neo thinks long and hard. Ignorance is bliss, right? He starts to reach for the red pill.
Morpheus: “Remember, all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.”
The manager continues: “So that’s what my presentation delivers. Denial or a positive spin would be easier. We have some tough choices to make. This data I’m about to show you is a red pill. But I’d rather deal with the truth. What about you? Do you want the red pill (the truth) or you want me to blow blue smoke?”
Of course the entire auditorium erupted in calls for the truth. This story not only told a compelling Why-I-Am-Here story, it reframed bad news as a courageous act. Good storytelling.
Again, with a movie the special effects are already there, talent has been paid, all you need to do is describe a scene that brings it back to life. I like books even more. John Steinbeck is one of my all time favorite authors because he tells the “whole story.” Steinbeck includes all of what is good and what is terrible about human nature, and at the end you miraculously are still glad to be alive. A scene from Steinbeck brings authenticity that never smacks of overoptimistic, upbeat perkiness. Borrowing “old soul” wisdom from this kind of gritty realism lends gravitas, which delivers credibility to your words.
Is there one book or movie that exemplifies the big “why” for you? It may have nothing to do with this particular situation but it inspired you to be a better person. Any movie or book that inspires you will inspire others when you tell the story in a way that reveals the essence of your “inspirational” experience of that story.
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Okay … now it’s your turn.
STEP THREE. Choose one of these ideas to develop into a story. Write the story here in your journal. Do not edit. Write in whatever order it comes, including every single detail you can remember. Provide sensory details for all five senses. Write as much as you can remember:
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STEP FOUR. Now put your journal away and find someone who will listen to a “test-telling” of this story. Tell your story without these notes (storytelling, not story reading!) to someone you trust.
STEP FIVE. Ask your listeners for appreciations. Ask them to respond to your story with any of the following appreciation statements, and record what they say:
“What I like about your story is …
“What your story tells me about you is. …
“The difference hearing your story might make to our working relationship is … ”
“I can see you using this story when (client situation) in order to (impact) … ”
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STEP SIX. Now write your own thoughts about this story. What do you like best? When you tell it again, what do you want to remember to say first or last? Are there any new details you can include to make this story more vibrant or alive? Is there a particular order that is more engaging?
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