CHAPTER 10
I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking Stories

PEOPLE NEED TO feel safe. So we make up stories to cast new information about “one more damn thing to do” in a cynical light. We don’t come out and say, “I’ve already decided this is hogwash,” but we are often thinking it. It is a delightful surprise for you to mirror someone’s secret suspicions in a story without sounding defensive. It is much easier to overcome an objection before it hardens into a position. An I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story overcomes objections when they are still soft—merely a “sneaking suspicion.” You don’t have to read minds. Unspoken objections are easy to anticipate, particularly if you research your audience’s point of view.

When a union representative meets with a manager to resolve a grievance, both enter the room with preconceptions and often with defenses up. They are not necessarily aware of their defensive positioning. Rather, they would say they come with an open mind and even genuinely believe their minds are open, but minds don’t work that way. Your mind stands guard over your best interests, whether you ask it to stand guard or not. Secret suspicions lurk beneath hearty handshakes and wide smiles. Ms. Manager might secretly think the union guy is full of himself, high on temporary power, or a troublemaker milking a conflict for its drama opportunities. Mr. Union may secretly suspect that Ms. Manager is a ball-busting bitch-on-wheels who has it in for the gal he is representing because of some “woman thing.” Either one of them could break the ice and score points by telling a good I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story.

Mr. Union might tell about “what my dad taught me about abusing power,” or Ms. Manager could relate a story about her first job “when I acted like a bitch and regretted it.” Either story could dramatically change the atmosphere. These stories not only overcome unspoken objections without coming off as oppositional but may actually validate the objection as reasonable in the first place.

The Power of Validation

Humans hunger for validation. It doesn’t cost you a thing, and sometimes you get tangible concessions in return. You can get a discount, free stuff, and more lenient terms in return for the “milk of human kindness.” Failing to validate another’s point of view can cost you twice the time, money, or effort you might otherwise spend with this person. Anyone who has been to couples therapy surely learned about validation. Even if you think your partner’s feelings are ridiculous and not at all what you “meant” her to feel, explaining one more time how she “should” feel makes things worse. When he says to her, “You are being ridiculous,” and she says to him, “You are an insensitive clod,” both are invalidating the other.

Even if the statements are technically accurate—and often they are—they make things worse. Miraculously, if he would say, “I can see how my little joke about your painting might have felt like a criticism,” and she would say, “It makes sense that you would point out that I painted the males with proportions that are anatomically unlikely,” they could relax and unlock fixed positions into a less defensive and more open attitude. Validation is the primary dynamic of the I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story. This kind of story validates a parked opinion with a “get out of parking free” stamp that frees a former opponent to move away from a parked opinion without feeling like it cost them their dignity.

Many arguments are fueled less by the “need to be right” and more by the chronically unmet need to be heard and respected. Here again, keeping things rational hides the true issues at play. Unhappiness over salary levels, office layout, or the allocation of “good” projects cannot be resolved with objective reasoning because the unhappiness has more to do with the status associated with these prizes than their “objective value.” As primates, humans are programmed to be vitally concerned with status. Our brain software is designed to constantly scan the environment for clues as to where we stand in the pecking order. Even random events are interpreted as meaningful.

Anyone who has ever had a bird poop on his head probably found it very hard not to take it personally. Things like that feel personal because we are persons. Pay attention and you will notice most people who advise you to “not take things so personally” are several steps above you in status. Detachment is definitely helpful for leaders. Taking everything personally leaves a leader drained and dysfunctional. However, telling someone else to “not take things so personally” is often a sign that someone is using this advice to ignore hurt feelings.

Teaching leadership in hospital systems gives me an opportunity to see both the good and bad sides of big egos. Surgeons, for instance, need a big ego to slice into someone’s flesh. However, a surgeon’s big ego can also translate into a lack of respect for others. Many surgeons with big egos find support staff less than supportive (when no one’s life is at stake) than they expect. One surgeon I met felt frustrated by failed attempts to train his staff to stop taking his outbursts and snippy retorts personally. Naturally they weren’t catching on. Finally, after the training program, he learned to appreciate that his staff took their jobs very personally, as personally as he took his own job. They all consider their roles as vital to patient care. Any comment or action that appeared to disparage their importance felt like a personal attack.

From their point of view, his outbursts and dismissive attitude impaired their ability to do a good job. The penny dropped. He now has an I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story ready to tell to anyone who feels ignored when he is in the “nothing and no one else matters” place he goes to in order to be an excellent surgeon. After hearing his story, they see that he can see (validates) how his concentration might appear dismissive, but the truth is that he values their role as much as his own. Now he finds his support staff is much more supportive even when he occasionally crosses a line.

When we urgently want to influence others a most common mistake is to jump right into spin. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just tell them what to think and how to interpret a situation? However, if the situation in question felt like an insult, exploitation, or a reduction in status you must first undo the damage done before you offer a new story. The I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story is perfect for this purpose. Spin stories sound too much like “love, trust, and fairy dust” and further invalidate current feeling and interpretations of reality. If you don’t validate another person’s perceptions as legitimate (and I can guarantee they feel legitimate to them) a spin story can leave people feeling insulted, ignored, or both.

When you set out to influence, by definition you set out to change one interpretation of current reality to a new interpretation. Your new interpretation is either not currently popular or actively opposed. Resist the urge to rush to examples and proof for your preferred interpretation of events. It is vital that you first understand and communicate your understanding of current interpretations. If you move too quickly, you lose a very important leverage point that could otherwise help you build a sense of common ground.

Telepathic Powers

Another way to earn attention is by displaying your magical ability for mental telepathy. Telling a good I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story can seem to your listeners as if you can read their minds and know their secret thoughts. This level of validation and research into their point of view will earn you big points you might need in the future. Luckily, it doesn’t take a genius to identify hidden suspicions held by your intended audience. Most of the time, it doesn’t even require research. In most circumstances you already know what “secret” objections your listeners hold against your point of view. New ideas naturally activate contrary forces, natural or man-made if only from the inertia of the status quo. These natural psychological forces pull against your new point of view unimpeded as long as they remain undiscussed. But welcome them into the light of day and often they shrivel and disappear in the sunlight of open examination.

For instance, I’ve done a surprising (at least to me) amount of work with the intelligence community. One of the issues that secretly matters is my security clearance. In the military, hierarchical status and clearance usually correlate so closely that the two are interpreted interchangeable. If you have high clearance you must be important. If you are important you have high security clearance. I don’t have a high security clearance. Therefore I can anticipate that many of my military clients might naturally wonder: How smart or important could she be? Secrecy is a status symbol in the military. It is frequently used to exclude people deemed unimportant (along with their ideas). In order to earn credibility with highly placed military clients I need to bring the issue into the open and reframe it.

First, I get points simply for knowing that it is an issue. Second, I use those points to create an alternative interpretation for my lack of security clearance. I tell them I have been offered sponsorship through the clearance process several times, and I turned it down. The first time I was told I needed security clearance, I was working with Air Force Intelligence and the “big guy” insisted I join his group for dinner. He told me, “We need to get you security clearance.” I told him, “No way.” He pulled his chin down and looked at me over his glasses as if I was either dealing drugs or had a body hidden somewhere.

I explained, “You don’t want to give me security clearance because I can’t be trusted.” Okay, I was playing with him a little here but it was too tempting to resist. Before he could launch into me, I continued, “To prepare for this course, I made a big yellow file that says ‘Air Force Intelligence.’ Last week I had a pedicure so I took the big yellow file to read at the salon. I finished my pedicure, walked out, and left the big yellow file in the salon—sitting right on top of the other reading material, a big yellow file with a label that said: Air Force Intelligence.”

I do that sort of thing all the time. I am absent minded. I did not inherit the genetic code for secret keeping. I sometimes think that I wrote the book, A Safe Place for Dangerous Truths, simply to decrease the number of secrets other people expect me to keep. However, I strongly believe it is one of the main reasons I’m good at what I do. I make tools and design methods to decrease the amount of unnecessary secrecy clogging your lines of communication. By revealing unnecessary secrecy I can help your group improve communication and save time. But for goodness sake don’t tell me anything that needs to remain secret, or anything that could send me to jail. My value to you is much higher without security clearance.

This story names a hidden assumption often invisible even to those who hold the assumption. It examines the hidden association between “smart/important” and “security clearance.” I create the possibility of a new interpretation by introducing the possibility that I was offered security clearance (it is very expensive) and I turned it down for good reasons. It destabilizes the hidden assumption long enough for me to make a case that the two aren’t always interchangeable. If I don’t do it up front, I may lose my opportunity. In most military situations, what they need to discuss feels dangerous because it involves important egos and challenges common practice, not because it threatens national security. Thus this story also serves another “I know what you are thinking” purpose by preempting the “I can’t discuss that” dodge hiding behind the guise of protecting national security, when in fact it is a ruse to avoid discussing uncomfortable issues.

Framing

Influence is much easier if you can control the sequence of information that best supports your point of view. For instance, the “after” pictures that advertise a diet wouldn’t sell many diet plans without the “before” pictures. For a comprehensive review of the magic of sequence and frame on perceptions I highly recommend, Influence: Science and Practice, by Robert Cialdini.¹ One of my favorite examples from his book cites a letter from a college freshman to her parents. In the beginning of her letter she tells her parents that her skull fracture is healing, the fire wasn’t so bad after the janitor offered to let her stay with him, and oh, by the way, they are expecting a baby together. Her last paragraph reveals that there was no skull fracture, no fire, no janitor, and no pregnancy, but she did get a “D” in chemistry and just wanted to put the bad grade into the proper perspective.

Perspective can make a $100 donation seem huge (feed a family for a year) or tiny (one month of mocha lattes) in the same letter. Fundraisers have learned they can improve perceptions of a target donation amount by listing it as a second option, dwarfed by the first option they rarely expect to receive. Saying “no” to a first request leaves a donor with a lingering sense of obligation that increases the likelihood of a “yes” to the second request. Children learn this trick early. The question “Mommy, can Billy and I ride our bikes to the gun show?” gets a quick “no” that makes the next question “Then can Billy come over to play?” seem like a bargain.

Stories allow you to condense a series of interactions into a simulated experience that feels interactive to your intended audience. When they imagine themselves as one of the characters, they personally experience the story. You can walk a listener through an experience that properly frames your next point. Common experiences are good sources for stories that pull the listener into the experience. For instance, adolescence dealt most of us a series of humiliations that prove in some ways we are all the same. A story that prompts listeners to reexperience adolescent humiliation builds a bond that can weaken divisiveness on the next point. The “Blew It” story in the following examples illustrates one way to do this.

STEP ONE. The magic of I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking stories is like any magic—it requires a lot of preparation, a deeper understanding of how human attention operates naturally, and practice. Validation and contrast framing are only a couple of applications you will discover when you begin experimenting with these kinds of stories. Choose one individual or one group and itemize the objections they have to your new ideas or methods. It might help to pretend to be this person or someone in the group and complete the sentence: “What I hate about that idea is.…”:

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STEP TWO. Once again we look to our four buckets for examples of I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking stories. Jot down your own ideas after each of the examples.

A Time You Shined

As a facilitator, I am often lumped in with the collective bad experiences a group may have had with “facilitator types.” We’ve all had bad experiences. Even smart, optimistic groups are wary of some stranger who proposes to lead (control) their process and agenda for two days. Sometimes I start by telling this story.

My favorite introduction by a client to a group happened in Aspen. A group of very smart, very successful executives gathered to work and play for a weekend. The woman who introduced me said, “This is Annette. I promise you, she doesn’t use chimes.” They applauded. I knew there was a story there. They told me that a past president had hired one of those “woo-woo” facilitators in long flowing clothes who used chimes to indicate the end of breaks. I suspect she was not very good at her job. The group must have been slow to come back after breaks, and I imagine the chime lady became more rigorous with her chimes. Whatever happened, she really got under their skin. So, during the next break someone kidnapped her chimes and left a ransom note. The best part of the retreat for them were the series of ransom notes and the increasingly less “woo-woo” reactions of the chime lady.

I do not even own chimes—except for the ones on my porch, and they were gifts. When I facilitate a group, I’m all about progress, resolution, and action. Yes, I may ask you to admit that you have emotions at some point. If those emotions are counterproductive to the group’s goals we may actually have to discuss those emotions at a level that feels personal. However, I promise … no chimes.

This type of story translates “shined” into “a time I felt the exact same way you feel now.” If your intended audience is suspicious then tell a story of a time when you were justifiably (never belittle another person’s caution) suspicious, decided to trust, and were glad you made that decision. Think about your intended audience and imagine all the forces pulling them in the opposite direction of how you’d like them to think. Use rich description and respect as you try to think of a time when you had the same kind of forces pulling you.

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A Time You Blew It

I try to avoid using the word “leadership.” Given the opportunity I usually point out that I think the word should be spelled with a “t” instead of a “p” for all the good most “leadershi*” theories and books deliver. But I must admit that groups need leader types, and some behaviors work better than others. I also think that gender makes a difference. I’m not altogether sure what difference it makes, but when a woman acts like a man she usually pays a price—even if I can’t define to my own satisfaction what the hell I mean by “acting like a man.”

Teaching women how to be better leaders is a perfect place for “I know what you are thinking” stories. One of my recent experiences was with a group of international (less than 10 percent American) women in Europe. I began by telling this story:

When I was in elementary school I loved to feel special. I liked to be left in charge of anything because it made me feel special and because I was naturally bossy. In sixth grade I was given a little sheriff’s badge and was told to watch the first graders during recess on rainy days so the first-grade teacher could get a break. To entertain them (or me) I taught them how to march in formation with band music (I’m not making this up) and I rewarded those who participated with peppermint candies. I was a little monster. It was my first experiment in leadership, and I learned that peppermint candies or not, some kids simply did not participate because they didn’t want to. I also learned that nice kids slipped the nonparticipating kids candies and my reward system was immediately diffused with lack of compliance. Hmmm … I learned that you can’t mandate cooperation.

In junior high I noticed that the popular girls got all the cooperation they wanted. Geek that I am, I decided to study the elements and behaviors of popularity so I too could be popular. In the midst of my research a new girl joined our class and asked me who was popular. I decided to help her out and wrote a two-page note on lined notebook paper that not only named the hierarchy of popularity at Lakeshore Junior High but added useful tidbits of information, such as what to wear and where to buy the appropriate plaid baggie pants that were popular in 1973. This young lady promptly used my letter, though not in the way I intended. She took it straight to the popular girls cited and earned her place among them by offering my humiliation as proof of her eligibility. That pretty much put an end to my scientific approach to popularity.

By high school and college I learned that while I could not be popular, I could be useful. Being useful by doing all the work earned me a certain level of leadership potential because I became visible to the kids who cared about a certain club or the junior/senior prom decorations. My new strategy was to trade work for attention. I still use that strategy more than I should, and I’m guessing there are a lot of women who do. Women often make ourselves indispensable to earn a place at the table.

By the time I hit the working world I had tried lots of strategies. It wasn’t until I studied group process that I realized that groups have patterns, and if you can predict the patterns of the group you can be in the right place at the right time. That sort of knowledge is power. I also learned about how ruthless groups can be to members who are innovative (deviant) or perceived as weak. Different behaviors will be interpreted differently depending on the stage of the group’s development. That’s what we are here to learn. No matter what strategies you currently use, this one will only add value and save time.

This could be a story of how you allowed your personal objection to an idea cheat you of an opportunity. Perhaps you can tell (like the story above) about traveling different paths of interpretation and found each a dead end. If you convincingly take them on a tour of genuine experimentation with valid-sounding ideas you can actually leave people feeling satisfied that they have explored a particular path of thinking with due diligence and can now move on to another interpretation. Consider the past experiences causing this group or this individual to resist your point of view. Plot the series of experiences that might cause them to interpret your point of view as dangerous, foolish, or simply not worth it. Demonstrate how deeply you understand their objections by telling a story that validates them.

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A Mentor

Teaching USAID staff to tell stories has been one of my favorite jobs over the last decade. The men and women of USAID might single-handedly earn back much of the love and appreciation the United States has lost, if only the world could hear their stories. These are some of the smartest, most dedicated people I’ve ever had the privilege to know. Most speak several languages, have lived in many cultures, and hold Ph.D.s in an array of complicated subjects. However, the story I want to tell you here is a mixed bag I use specifically with USAID people, because they can be very hard on themselves. There are times when smart high achievers can only become better leaders after they learn to forgive themselves for their mistakes.

One of the most articulate, beautiful women I’ve met in a long time was in a USAID group. Delia (name changed) must have inherited the carriage and dignity of the African queens she was surely descended from. Growing up in a ghetto of Detroit did not bend her. After getting advanced degrees and joining the Foreign Service, she spent much of her time in Africa. Her last post had been in Nigeria where this story occurred.

She started by saying:

I sent my eight-year-old daughter to a local public school in Nigeria. So when I was asked to serve on the school board I happily accepted. However, the board wanted me to chair. I declined, saying that the chair should be a Nigerian rather than a foreigner. I actively lobbied for a particular Nigerian woman who had a Ph.D. in education and who was very visible in the community. Sure, I heard a few warnings about this woman’s character, but I felt the issue of citizenship was more important.

She paused for a really long time and foreshadowed the rest of the story by saying, “She really did seem qualified.”

Once we started having meetings I saw the problem. This woman was arrogant, opinionated, rude, and controlling. She had no idea how to run a meeting. They went too long and even after they were over, every board member would call me up that night to complain and ask me to do something. It was taking over my life, so I finally agreed. I had done my best to coach them to do something, but she ran over them like a freight train. I told them I’d speak to her at the next meeting as long as they would back me up.

At that next meeting this woman started doing what she always did. She cut people off. She railroaded her agenda items. So I asked if I could make a comment on the process. She turned to me and to this day I have no idea what happened. All I know is that I lost it. I lit into that woman like hell’s fury. I called her names. I called her every name except child of God. I have no idea how long it lasted but my eyes started to refocus and I suddenly saw myself surrounded by wide eyes and dropped jaws. I said, “I think I should leave now” and got myself the hell out of there.

I got home, sat down, and thought, “What have I done?” I was horrified. Within the hour I realized what I had to do. I started at the top of the list and called each and every member and apologized. The next day I went in person and apologized to her. She was less than gracious but I kept my dignity.

When I tell about Delia I’m talking about me, too. I get passionate about issues, and sometimes I can be short with people. I also have a temper. If I could have had it surgically removed I would have. It seems to be here to stay, so I try to apologize in advance. I can’t guarantee that I won’t “lose it” at some point as a long-term member of a working group. But I can guarantee that I will correct myself quickly and apologize.

You may find an analogy of your circumstances either in your own past, a historical event, or preferably in the history of your target audience. Do some research to see if you can find whether the current problem isn’t a repeat of a pattern of problems for this particular culture or work group. If it is a repeating loop, tell the story again to give them an opportunity to do things differently this time. Start from the point of view of your target audience. Research the individuals who they feel illustrate their values, and see if you can tell a story that shows you too revere these persons as good examples.

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A Book, Movie, or Current Event

Anyone who has served on a neighborhood committee has experienced the full range of insanity simple issues can invoke in otherwise sane people. In my neighborhood the insanity erupted over a motion to redistrict our 1920s neighborhood as a historical district. My neighborhood is modest and diverse. Many professors from the local university live here, and some front yards sport bizarre sculptures. Two families consider “Christmas lights” a year-round opportunity to express themselves, and several neighbors are conjuring sustainable eco-systems instead of grass in their yards. We may not like the paint color our neighbors choose—but we will die defending their right to paint their house purple if they want. (Initially a sign of protest, one house is still purple with pink and purple columns.)

The young lawyer who is president of our local neighborhood association is a newcomer. His efforts were central in pushing the redistricting effort I now refer to as the “hysterical district” era. The ensuing conflict pitted neighbor against neighbor. Long meetings, angry letters with fifteen signatures, and plots to undermine the “other side” replaced pot-luck pumpkin-carving parties. I was targeted by the board as breaking the rules. I asked for a spot on the agenda of the next board meeting and began with this I-Know-What-You-Are-Thinking story:

We are North Carolinians so I suspect all of us here have seen at least one or two episodes of the Andy Griffith Show. The divisiveness in our neighborhood recently reminds me of one particular episode from that series. Do you remember the one when Barney was cleaning out files and ran across a case that had never been closed? The case accused Floyd the barber of assault. It is hard to imagine Floyd raising his voice, much less assaulting anyone. Barney insisted that he would “get to the bottom of this” and marched down to the barbershop.

One interview led to another. Barney reported that Floyd had punched Charlie Foley in the face. Neither of them could remember why, until Barney’s dogged questions reignited the old conflict and the angry emotions. Andy tried to convince Barney to let it go, but the damage was done. That afternoon Floyd came in with a new black eye, followed by a long line of Mayberry’s citizens also sporting black eyes, all with new assault charges to file. It’s a typical Barney chaos episode, but it resembles our neighborhood lately. I appreciate that each of you is dedicated to your position and to our neighborhood. But I’d like you to reflect on the recent enthusiasm with which you have been enforcing rules and pursuing legal action. I appreciate the enthusiasm you have put into your efforts to make this a good neighborhood. But I think goodwill is as important as property values, and lately it feels that despite your good intentions this group is perceived by some of us in the neighborhood as operating like a Barney Fife. I would like us to think of how we can be more like Andy and less like Barney.

The Barney in the room simply squinted in confusion and started to prattle the minute I stopped talking. But the others—my true target audiences, who are naturally inclined to calm disputes like Andy rather than stir them up—could see our local Barney Fife had gone too far. I’d like to think this story validated their inclination to override strict legalities and curb Barney’s enthusiasm. Within the year, Barney was no longer president and we now have a more mellow, wise “Andy” in his place. We might even have a pumpkin-carving party this October.

Use a scene from a book, movie, or current event to illustrate solidarity, make connections, or diffuse objections. There are plenty of examples. Note a good scene when you see it, because these aren’t usually the scenes that will stick in your memory. By the time you need it, even if you can remember the title of that book or film, you are not likely to remember the scene with enough detail to tell it. Notice the scenes that shift the meaning of an event by changing the frame. Choose a scene that overstates your case, so that you can make fun of it (for example, a liberal making fun of Michael Moore). Use a classic clip that illustrates a concept currently held but give it a new interpretation.

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STEP THREE. Choose one of these ideas to develop into a story. Write the story here in your journal. Do not edit. Write in whatever order it comes, including every single detail you can remember. Provide sensory details for all five senses. Write as much as you can remember.

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STEP FOUR. Now put your journal away and find someone who will listen to a “test-telling” of this story. Tell your story without these notes (storytelling, not story reading!) to someone you trust.

STEP FIVE. Ask the listeners for appreciations. Ask them to respond to your story with any of the following appreciation statements, and record what they say:

“What I like about your story is …

“What your story tells me about you is. …

“The difference hearing your story might make to our working relationship is …”

“I can see you using this story when (client situation) in order to (impact) …”

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STEP SIX. Now write your own thoughts about this story. What do you like best? When you tell it again what do you want to remember to say first or last? Are there any new details you can include to make this story more vibrant or alive? Is there a particular order that is more engaging?

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Note

1. Robert Cialdini, Influence: Science and Practice (Needham Heights, Mass.: Allyn & Bacon, 2001).