Verbal communication is not all about talking fluently and intonation. There are precursors or catalysts that make verbal communication effective. In this chapter, we will deep dive into the art of listening and the power behind asking the right questions.
Unless you listen to the person you are speaking with, there is no way you would be able to understand what the requirements are, and when you start responding, you would either be preaching to the choir or generating little interest with the recipient.
As I have stated earlier, communication is an exchange of information. If the information coming from the other end does not satisfy your sensors, then you need to step up and bring the information out that is hidden deep in the crevices of the communicator. To do this, you need to ask questions.
The topics covered in this chapter are the ammunition you need to be effective communicators, and without which the shallowness of your communication stands exposed.
Listening is the core of communication. If there is no listening involved, it is no longer communication. Instead, it merely becomes an act where the words you speak hit the walls and the flooring, and go into oblivion. If there is no listening involved, there is no recipient. In communication, you need to have both the communicator and recipient for it to happen.
When people speak, do you hear them or do you listen to them? When you hear people speak, you are basically acknowledging the words that are being said. Period. When you listen to people speak, you make sense of the things stated, the way it was delivered, and decipher the hidden meaning.
The truth is that we are taught in schools to read and write, but not to listen. Society judges us on the basis of what and how we speak, so we tend to do more speaking but not listening, which potentially fuels speaking.
It is a well-known fact that people who are good with relationships and rapport with other people are great listeners. It is their keen listening skills that have helped them garner the support. I discussed in Chapter 1, Communication Training, that relationships and rapport are a must for good communication, and here I further reiterate that to build it, you need to be a good listener, whether you like it or not.
To emphasize further on relationships playing a pivotal role in good communication, when you listen intently to what is being said, you earn the respect of the speaker. The speaker would be eager to reciprocate this gesture by listening to what you have to say when it is your turn. This game of giving and taking respect through listening is a great catalyst for improving communication and reducing conflict. Furthermore, only upon listening actively will you put yourself in a position to respond appropriately.
Let me ask you a few questions. When you are in a conversation, are you waiting for the speaker to stop so you can put out your thoughts that are hovering inside your head? Are you physically in a meeting and mentally elsewhere? Are you multitasking when you are talking over a telephone? Are you not interested in the content of the communication? I know the answers to these questions. It's yes. We have all been there, and the situations these questions present make us bad communicators and horrible listeners.
We are not inherently bad listeners. A number of factors, influences, situations, and people put us in a position of bad listening. I am not passing the buck to external factors but merely stating the facts so that we become aware of the distracting thoughts that can hinder us from being good communicators.
In the next few sections, I will state the common barriers to listening, and provide a way out, followed by an exercise.
During a conversation, it is common for us to get distracted with the sounds that creep into the meeting rooms such as a bird tweeting or a janitor using the vacuum cleaner, smells emanating in the room, and fellow employees visible through the window, among other interesting factors.
If the distraction is one-fold, in a face-to-face meeting, the distractions get replicated multifold when you are having a conversation over the phone. It is accepted that it is difficult to keep physical distractions away when you are not being watched by the communicator.
These distractions are often felt by the speaker as well. The speaker can continue communicating, and you getting distracted is not a valid excuse. If there are sounds that are getting in the way of hearing what the communicator has to say, you can always ask them to wait until the noise is out of the way—like a jet flying at a low altitude.
For other distractions that are a result of you paying more attention to the windows and the birds singing, you are required to bring your senses under your control and pay complete attention to the communication in play. What you need is a commitment from yourself that you are going to listen in, no matter what the distracting forces are up to.
If your communication is via the telephone, the chances of distractions are much more, which means that you need to expend additional will power to concentrate on the words and the tone. Remember, if you are getting distracted by the noise that creeps into the telephone lines, interrupt the communicator and recommend that all the parties dialing in disconnect and reconnect. Communicators will rather be happy than annoyed to hear that people on the other line are keenly listening in and would like to get the best out of the time spent.
Action Point
Exercise (for students to attempt at the end of this topic followed by a group discussion):
- Share your individual / group experiences of getting distracted while on calls and in meetings. For every instance stated, discuss how it could have been overcome.
While physical distractions have a trigger outside of ourselves, mental distractions are self-triggered and are dangerous to the extent that you would not realize that you are getting distracted, and are under the assumption that all is well.
Thinking of a new car that you booked last night, dwelling on the fight you had with your spouse this morning, cursing your ill luck on the missed promotion opportunity are some examples that can play on our minds while we go ahead with our day-to-day activities.
Let me tell you upfront that mental distractions are the most difficult to deal with. They sits on you like a parasite until you make a conscious effort to reduce their effect.
Before you get into meetings, make up your mind that the only thing you are going to concentrate on is what is being said in the meeting and nothing else. Convince yourself that this meeting is critical and you have no way out but to wear mental blinders and listen in.
Action Point
Exercise (for students to attempt at the end of this topic followed by a group discussion):
- Share your individual / group experiences of getting distracted while on calls and in meetings. For every instance stated, discuss how it could have been overcome.
During any communication session, if you believe that you already know the content that will be communicated, it is common to convince yourself that you know what will be said, and you have nothing to gain out of it, you will end up not listening. Why waste energy in listening to what I already know, you convince yourself. This generally happens when the speaker is well-known to the listener.
The problem here is that you are assuming that you know what will be said, which isn't necessarily true unless the speaker has conferred with you on the topics and content that will be discussed. Every conversation brings in a new learning for us, whether it is from a CEO of an organization or a subordinate.
If you are in a meeting, make sure you are very much in the meeting. Keep your egotistic instincts in a far place if you intend to be a lifelong learner, which I assume to be true since you are going through this workshop. Come with an open mind, listen without judging—once again with an open mind, and when the speaker is through, feel free to rifle through your notes to come up with your thoughts on the matter. Unless and until you have heard the whole nine yards, do not pre-conceive your thoughts. Remember that coming into a meeting with a closed mind is not the right framework for listening and learning.
Action Point
Exercise (for students to attempt at the end of this topic followed by a group discussion):
- Pick up a couple of technical or management topics that are well-known to all team members. Nominate one person as the speaker while the rest would be recipients. Ask the speaker to make an outline of what they are going to speak on, and let the rest of the team come up with their assumptions on what will be spoken. Compare the two sets of data and conclude that although the topic was common to both sets of parties, there were things stated that were outside the imagination of listeners and some assumed items were not included in the talk.
You seem to have opinions when the speaker is in the middle of the conversation. You want to put across your thoughts at an (in)opportune moment. So, you wait until there is a pause and you start putting in your two cents—whether it is the right juncture or not, irrespective of whether the speaker is covering the same topic or not, you want to poke in your nose and blurt it out. In this process, you totally forget there is some information that is being conveyed, and you are not listening. You are filled with your opinions and your eye is only on the prize—the moment to speak your side of the story.
The root cause of this problem is not your opinion but that you don't respect the speaker. You don't believe that there is something of value that the speaker can deliver, and believe that your opinion matters a whole lot more than what the speaker has to say. Also, there is that ego factor that wants to outsmart the speaker. You opine to show everyone present, including the speaker, that you are the smart one (and not the person who is entrusted to speak).
Opinions are good. In fact, nobody should accept any information at face value. Information must be deciphered, analyzed, and if satisfied, fed to the memory banks for storage. But, there is a process for forming your opinion. The process states that you need to listen to everything that the speaker has to say and then form your opinions. You must not come up with your opinions or judge the speaker based on partial information. Only a fool would form opinions based on partial information. So, listen to everything that the speaker has to say, word by word, read between the lines, read the confidence levels in the gestures and doing all this will arm you better for forming the right opinions.
Action Point
Exercise (for students to attempt at the end of this topic followed by a group discussion):
- Imagine that you are in the midst of a speaking assignment. If you are being cut off before you finish speaking, how do you feel? Do you feel motivated and energized to continue speaking knowing fully well that listeners would rather interrupt before you finish sharing your ideas rather than listening to you?
- Listen to an audiobook or any other video training program on the topic that you are familiar with. Try not to judge the program until you have listened to it fully. Once you are done, write a small summary of what you have learned and your opinion of it. You are most likely to find that you have learned something new from it, even though you are familiar with the topic. Discuss your experience with the group after going through this activity.
Everything that the speaker says is zipping past your ears. Somehow you are not able to follow up with what is being said. Reasons could be plenty—usage of technical jargons, accent, speed, and volume, among others.
When I was in college, I had a professor who was from Chinese descent. I had a hard time following him the first few classes as he spoke with a thick accent and spoke too fast for my liking. I noticed that some of the other multicultural students were sitting in the front rows and nodding their heads while I was in one of the rear benches. So, I decided to move to the front and the experience was something else. I understood the speaker better than before.
The way I found a workaround, was that you must make an effort to follow the speaker. Accent and speed of delivery is innate and more often than not cannot be changed overnight. It takes practice to understand certain accents. In my professional career, when I first started working with UK clients, I had a hard time following their English. I had worked with American clients all my life, lived in the US for a few years and watched Hollywood movies. Americanized English was my familiar ground. I stuck the telephone literally into my ear, blurred the distractions around me, closed my eyes, and concentrated on everything that was said. Within a few weeks, I was able to follow their English with eyes open and on speakerphone. There are no shortcuts; you just need to do the initial frequency sync with people of different accents.
If the speaker is using too much technical jargon, you can always ask it to be broken down in a simpler way. If you are a designated listener, there is nothing wrong is asking to be explained in a different way. It is your right. The same concept goes with the volume of the speakers. Many speakers don't check with the listeners whether they are being heard, which, for a speaker, is not a good etiquette.
You are known as a superstar in your office. Somebody who completes designated work ahead of schedule. What is your secret? You multitask. You perform two to three activities at any given time. If I was to ask you whether you were effective, your manager can give a thumbs-up. But, when I probe further about the understanding you obtained from the meetings that you attended, the effectiveness drops just as Lucifer fell from God's grace. Your presence is recorded but the content of the discussion did not sink in. When your manager asks you to explain, you say that you were preparing the weekly reports while you were on the meeting call. You were present on the call but not listening.
The problem that is reported in this hindrance is very common in the IT industry. Many attend meetings because they are on the invite list, or their manager has asked them to be on the bridge call. You respond when your name is called out, and more often than not, you ask the question posed at you to be repeated.
There are many reasons why you are not listening in:
- You are not interested in the discussion. You are here only because of your manager and it is your job to answer the questions when asked.
- You are a multitasker, especially when it is a telephone meeting. You are doing something else while other parties are talking.
- The content of the meeting is too simple or too hard for you to follow.
- You choose to listen selectively. When certain keywords pop up, your senses come back to life.
If you are not an active participant, let the chairperson know. So, when they need you in the meeting, they can call out your name or ask you to dial in when needed. Staying on the call the whole time is a waste of resources that offices can potentially save.
If you are in a meeting as an active participant, do not multitask. It is unhealthy to be present in meetings while your mind (and body) is elsewhere. Decide what type of participant you are, and take an appropriate course of action.
Remember that improving your listening skills will improve your overall communication. One does not go without the other. Here is a list of tips that you can start practicing to improve your listening skills.
- Pay complete attention to the speaker and the words spoken and unspoken. Try not to get distracted by the forces of nature or man-made distractions.
- Maintain eye contact with the speaker the whole time. This will alleviate the distractions and will help you concentrate. Secondly, the speaker will feel at ease that you are indeed listening in.
- Don't let your mind wander to far off places while you are present in a meeting. It is natural for us to think of our own car ride when the speaker shares his own experience. Stay focused and glued to what the speaker has to say.
- Acknowledge when the speaker looks at you by nodding. If you are on a call, a simple OK in between will not keep the speaker second-guessing whether they are being heard or not.
- Take notes. Note taking is a good way of following up with the speaker. It is believed that most of the things we hear are washed away unless there is an emotional attachment to it. So, take notes, so you recharge your memory cells through your notes.
- Keep an open mind and do not form opinions in the midst of the session. Extract everything you can, as long as the speaker is talking. Once done, you must go through your notes and come up with your questions, objections, and opinions.
- Do not judge the speaker, or do not carry prejudice to the meetings. These will hinder you from listening to the words, tones, and the unsaid.
- Ask questions if you are not clear on things stated. Do not assume that you will self-research on the topic at a later time.
- If the speaker is using jargon or is speaking too fast, request that the content be simplified and the pace be lowered for better understanding. No speaker will take offense to this.
- Stay relaxed. For communication to be effective, you need to relax and keep emotions such as anger out to create an environment for effective communication—which starts with listening.
Action Point
Exercise (for students to attempt at the end of this topic followed by a group discussion):
- Next time you are in a meeting or in training, follow the listening etiquettes, and share your experience with the rest of the group on how different it felt compared to the earlier ways.