CHAPTER 2
THE REALITY MODEL
Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.
—ANTHONY ROBBINS, AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN
For now, mentally shelve the definitions given in chapter 1. Go back and review them if you have to. Here is a representation of the Reality Model, without labels. As you read what each figure represents, think about the flow of the model, and how the five pieces relate to each other.
Human Needs
Let’s start with the first part of the model: Human Needs. Now, understand this fact: you have four powerful, driving needs. Whether you think you’ve got them or not, you’ve got them. Psychologists have done all kinds of studies, and many agree that we have at least these four needs:
1. The need to live.
2. The need to love and be loved.
3. The need to feel important, to have value and significance.
4. The need to have variety in our lives.
The most interesting one to me, by the way, is the fact that we all have a need for variety. That’s why you have a closet full of different kinds of clothes, you go on vacations, and you pay for cable or satellite TV to watch a wide range of shows and productions. We have a very strong need for variety.
We represent the first piece of our model with a wheel because this is the piece that drives the model. You may even label this wheel with the word engine because this is where the model gets its power.
The Belief Window
The second piece of the model is the Belief Window. Inside that window is the word Principles.
You have a Belief Window. It sits in front of your face. Imagine that a wire comes from the back of your head across the top and hooks onto that window. Every time you move your head, the window moves with you. You look out into the world through this window; you accept information from the world through this window. On this window you have placed thousands of principles that you have accepted as correct.
The minute I say the word principles, a lot of people start thinking about heavy-duty religious stuff. It’s true that religious and ethical principles may be on your Belief Window, but there are thousands of tiny little principles as well. We put principles on our Belief Window because we believe they’ll help us satisfy the four Human Needs. The number of principles you have on your Belief Window is a function of your age; the older you are, the more principles you will have on it.
An example of a principle you might have on your Belief Window might be something like this: “All Doberman pinschers are vicious.”
Which of the four Human Needs is driving this principle? It clearly has something to do with the need to live. Somewhere in your life, you decided to accept the idea that Doberman pinschers are vicious as a correct principle. You believe it, so you put that principle on your Belief Window.
If-Then Rules
The third piece of the model looks like a little bridge. On top of that bridge is the word Rules. Inside that bridge are two tiny words: If and Then.
This is how the Belief Window works: the minute you put a principle on your Belief Window, you immediately start to create rules that will govern your behavior based upon that principle. This all goes on in your head at the speed of light. You do it automatically, and sometimes even without realizing which principles you are actually putting on your Belief Window.
I call these If-Then Rules. Let’s say that you do have the principle on your Belief Window that all Doberman pinschers are vicious; you have accepted this as a correct principle. So if you encounter a big Doberman pinscher, then what will you do? You will leap tall buildings with a single bound. You will run away. You will have a very specific set of rules all set up based on that principle on your Belief Window.
It is important to understand that first three pieces of this model are all invisible. You can’t see the process. No one else can see it. But it’s going on, every second you breathe.
Behavior Patterns
Let’s go to the fourth piece of the Reality Model, which is a right-facing triangle. Down the slope on the top of that triangle is the word Behavior. Inside the triangle is the word Action.
Let’s go back to that same principle: all Doberman pinschers are vicious. If that’s true, then we set up our rules. Rules are automatic. If you go in somebody’s yard and there’s a Doberman, what behavior pattern will we see? You will perform the same action every single time.
Let’s take another principle through the model to this point. Here is a principle: “My self-worth is dependent on my possessions.” Do you know anyone who has that principle on his or her Belief Window? Which of the four Human Needs would drive this principle? The need to feel important, for sure. Anything else?
Let’s pretend I have a second principle on my Belief Window: European stuff is better than American stuff. Now I have two principles on my Belief Window: (1) my self-worth is dependent on my stuff, and (2) European stuff is better.
Let’s take that through the model. If that’s true, the rules we set up will reflect those beliefs. It’s now time for me to buy a car. What kind of car will I buy? What kind of clothes will I wear? Both will be European, of course. And I am likely not going to feel good about myself without that car or those clothes.
Let me tell you a story to illustrate how Belief Windows can be passed on from generation to generation. One Sunday morning a man comes into his kitchen and notices his wife is cooking a wonderful dinner. As she pulls a beautifully cooked ham from the oven, he notices that the ends have been removed from it. He is curious, so he asks his wife, “Why did you cut the ends off the ham?”
“It makes it taste better,” she says.
“How do you know that?”
“My mother taught me that.”
On this woman’s Belief Window is the principle that if you cut the ends off the ham it makes it taste better. (We know she believes that, because that is what she has done.) The man is really curious because he has never seen his own mother do that. The next Sunday he’s at the in-laws’ house for dinner. He takes his mother-in-law aside and says, “I understand you cut the ends off your ham.”
“I do.”
“Why do you do that?”
“It makes it taste better.”
“My mother taught me that.”
Two generations of women now have the same principle on their Belief Window: cutting the ends off the ham makes it taste better. But the man doesn’t understand this logic. The grandmother is still alive at age ninety-three, so he calls her on the phone.
“I understand you cut the ends off your ham.”
“I do.”
“Why do you do that?”
“Won’t fit in the oven if I don’t.”
Here was a practical reason as the origin of the practice, but two generations later, the principle or belief floats down on a Belief Window: cutting the ends off the ham makes it taste better.
Results and Feedback
Look at the last piece of the model. The final piece in the model is a little box. Above the box is the word Results.
Results allow us to examine current principles on our Belief Window. If we don’t like the results we are getting, we can move back through the model to see what principles on our Belief Window are causing these results. There is a line labeled Feedback connecting the Results box with the Human Needs wheel. Results are linked with the needs that everyone has. Whatever behavior we exhibit, it is ultimately an attempt to fulfill one or more of those Human Needs. The results of this behavior will determine whether or not we have successfully met our Human Needs.
Needs and Natural Laws
Throughout this book I am going to introduce you to seven natural laws. If you will commit these seven laws to memory, the impact on your personal and professional decision-making process will amaze you. Let’s look at the first two natural laws and then run some principles through the model.
Let’s say that Gary has a principle on his Belief Window: “My self-worth is dependent on never losing an argument.” If he believes that, then he sets up his rules. Rules are automatic. Gary gets in an argument with his fifteen-year-old son. What behavior pattern will we see? Gary will make sure that he wins every single time due to his belief that his self-worth is dependent on never losing an argument.
Now ask this question: Will the results of Gary’s behavior meet his needs over time? Yes or no? If the answer is no, what does that mean about his Belief Window? It means that there is a negative and/or incorrect or incomplete principle on his Belief Window.
I’m going to give you another principle now, and let’s take it all the way through the model. Here is the principle: “My self-worth is dependent on never losing at games.” Do you know anyone who has that principle on his or her Belief Window?
Let’s pretend that I have that belief on my Belief Window. Which of the four Human Needs is driving the belief that my self-worth is dependent on never losing at games? The need to feel important, for sure. If I believe that to be true, then I set up my rules: I’m not okay unless I win.
I now get in a game with someone, and I start to lose. What behavior pattern will you see from me?
I’ll cheat.
And I’ll do everything in my power to win. Now we’ve got to ask this question: Will the results of my behavior meet my needs over time? If the answer is no, what does that mean about my Belief Window? Is there an incorrect principle on my Belief Window?
Several years ago, on the front page of USA Today was a headline stating that one out of three CEOs cheat at golf. It was a long, detailed article. It told how they did it. So the reader now has to ask, If they’ll fudge in a ten-dollar game of golf, what will they do in a million-dollar deal? This was right around the time Enron collapsed. What do you think was on the Belief Window of the people at Enron?
Okay, I’m going to walk a potentially controversial principle through the model. For the sake of discussion only, let’s say that someone has on his or her Belief Window the principle that men are better than women. Do you know any men who have that principle on their Belief Windows? Do you know any women who have that principle on their Belief Windows? Which of the four Human Needs would drive a principle like that? The need to live? The need to feel important?
That actually was a prevalent belief in the world until about a hundred years ago. As a side note, one of the first debates Benjamin Franklin took part in as a young man was in defense of educating women in this country.
Franklin wrote in his autobiography, “John Collins was of the Opinion that it [educating women] was improper; and that they were naturally unequal to it. I took the contrary side.”
Let’s now continue through the model. I have the principle on my Belief Window that men are better than women. Saturday morning my wife says, “Hyrum, I have a lot of errands to run today, would you mind vacuuming the house while I’m gone?” Given what I believe, what behavior will you see from me? I might say, “I don’t do that, that’s women’s work.”
Now we have to ask this question: Will the results of my behavior meet my needs over time? Probably not. So what do we know about my Belief Window? I’ve got an incorrect principle on my Belief Window.
Where do we get principles for our Belief Windows? Where do they come from? Well, they start when we’re pretty small. If a little girl in our society acts like a boy, what do we call her? A tomboy. That is okay in our culture. If a little boy acts like a girl, what do we call him? Some people call him a sissy. That’s the nicest thing they call him. That’s not okay in our culture.
Here’s another story. A ten-year-old boy walks into his garage on a Saturday morning. While doing what kids do in a garage on Saturday mornings, he accidentally tips a box off the shelf and it lands on his foot. It smashes three toes, he bleeds all over the floor, and he starts to cry. Dad comes into the garage. What does his dad say to that little boy?
“Don’t cry. Men don’t cry.”
“This hurts, I’d like to cry. Why can’t I cry, Dad?”
“Because men don’t cry.”
Scientists tell us that tears exuded over an onion have a very different chemistry than tears exuded in anguish. We apparently get rid of some ugly toxins from our bodies when we cry. We don’t allow men that privilege in our culture: “real” men don’t cry.
Changing Principles and Beliefs Changes Behavior
Before any of my behavior will change, the principle on my Belief Window has to change. I have to find an alternative principle. What principle will likely work? Men and women are equal. They are different—wonderfully different—but equal.
If I get that principle on my Belief Window, will it alter my behavior? Yes, it will. Let’s reexamine that earlier scenario. On a Saturday morning my wife says, “Hyrum, I’ve got a lot of errands to run today, would you mind vacuuming the house while I’m gone?” What kind of behavior do you think we will see next? “Sure. I’d be happy to!”
Individuals aren’t the only ones to have Belief Windows; groups have them as well. Families have them, neighborhoods have them, cities have them, corporations have them, and nations have them.
I’m going to give you a principle now that we at Franklin Quest had on our corporate Belief Window in the beginning. I say “had” because we discovered that this was not a good principle. Ask yourself which of the four Human Needs was driving this principle, and let’s take it through the model. Here was our principle: “Cut costs, no matter what.”
That doesn’t sound like a bad principle, does it? Which of the four Human Needs is in play? The need to live. In our case it felt like survival was driving it. Why would the needs of a corporation be identical to the needs of a human being? Corporations are made up of human beings.
So the principle on our Belief Window was “Cut costs, no matter what.” Then we set up our rules. Of course, nobody sends a memo out saying, “Set your rules up.” Rules are automatic. It’s now time for us to hire a receptionist. What kind of receptionist will we hire? Based on our principle, we will hire the cheapest one we can find. Will the results of that behavior meet our needs over time as a firm?
Three weeks after hiring a receptionist, a senior vice president from one of our biggest client firms called me on the phone.
“Hyrum, you have a really interesting receptionist.”
“Yeah. She doesn’t speak proper English.”
“She doesn’t?”
“No. I called in to ask for some things and she said, ‘We ain’t got none o’ them, Jack.’”
We learned something that day. Who is our window to the corporate world if not our receptionist? We were by then managing our firm with the Reality Model. We sat down and asked ourselves, “What principle on our corporate Belief Window allowed us to hire somebody like that?” We came up with the answer pretty fast: “Cut costs, no matter what.” We decided we didn’t like that principle, so we took it off our Belief Window, and we put a new one on.
The new principle we put on our Belief Window was this: “We want the finest reputation in America.” A new principle on a Belief Window requires a new set of rules. We clearly needed a new receptionist, so what kind of receptionist were we going to hire now? The highest paid, finest receptionist in the state.
This was a very interesting experience for me. The person we selected to be our new receptionist was already at a director level in our firm, which had about 400 employees at the time. I called her into my office. I was excited.
“There’s a new role we want you to play here at the firm. We want you to be our receptionist.”
Her answer? “Why don’t you just fire me, Hyrum?”
What was on her Belief Window about receptionists? She thought they were all airheads. We had to get a new principle on her Belief Window. We walked her through the whole process on how we had arrived at choosing her as our new receptionist. We gave her a raise. She got a new principle on her Belief Window. She took the job, and she became responsible for eighteen other people in our new external communications department. And this all started by putting a new principle on our corporate Belief Window.
As you experiment with the model, you will find a variety of beliefs that produce behaviors that will not meet your needs over time. (Some of them, incredibly, don’t even meet your needs in the short term. You would think we would be smarter than that.) In chapter 3, I will illustrate how even young people can learn this model quickly.