CHAPTER 3
TEACHING THE REALITY MODEL
Just like your body and lifestyle can be healthy or unhealthy, the same is true with your beliefs. Your beliefs can be your medicine or your poison.
—STEVE MARABOLI, UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU
I would like to share with you an eye-opening experience that will help you understand how powerful the Reality Model can be. One day I was sitting in my office, which in those days was rare; the phone rang, and it was the US attorney for the district of Utah—which happens to be the entire state of Utah.
“Hyrum,” he said, “I am sick and tired of locking kids up in this state for drug and alcohol abuse. I’ve decided to go to every high school in the state. We are going to put on a big assembly. The Utah Jazz basketball team is willing to send a player with us, and we’re going to talk these kids out of drugs and alcohol. Would you go with us and do a thirty-to forty-minute talk to teach these kids how to get control of their lives?”
I got pretty excited about that. “Let’s go for it,” I said.
We went to 148 schools in Utah and twenty schools outside the state.
What happened at one school is particularly worth noting. On this particular day, the US attorney was not able to go; he had to be in Washington for some reason, so he sent one of his assistant attorneys, a man named Sam. The Utah Jazz basketball team was on a road trip somewhere, and could not send one of its players, so it was just Sam and me.
The school’s principal met us in the lobby, took us into his office, sat us down and said, “You guys are accustomed to talking to the whole student body, right?”
I said, “Yes, we usually talk to the whole student body.”
“I don’t want you to talk to the whole student body, they’re not the ones with the problem. I want you to talk to my druggies and alcoholics.”
“Do you know who they are?”
“Of course I know who they are.”
“Hey, we’ll talk to anybody you want.”
“Great.”
He took us down to the band room, which had a stepped floor and only one door. Sam and I sat down and waited for the bell to ring. When it did, through that door came fifty of the hardest looking kids I have ever seen. I’ve talked to over 400,000 kids; I know what a hard kid looks like. Many of the boys had hair hanging below their shoulders. Several of them had earrings in places on their faces you would not believe; they had tattoos and studded belts with chains hanging off them.
They came in and draped themselves across the chairs in the band room, and as they looked around, they recognized each other. The hostility in the room went nuts.
The bell rang again, and the principal walked to the front of the room. Before he could open his mouth, one kid jumped out of his chair and accosted the principal: “Hey, how come we’re in here anyway?”
The principal said, “Because you’re all druggies and alcoholics, and these two guys are going to fix it.” He then turned and walked out. I’ve had many introductions in my career, but this was the most interesting.
While the principal had been talking, I’d been looking at this kid and had picked him out as the ringleader of the group. He had long hair, five piercings in his face, and a big studded decorative chain hanging off his arm.
Sam was assigned to talk first. Now Sam is a wonderful guy. Putting people in jail is what he does for a living, and he’s very good at it. Talking to young people is really not his thing, and this became evident really fast. Sam got up and took three steps to the front of the room. It was clear that he felt like he needed to look more like those kids, so he took off his jacket, removed his tie and threw both on a chair in the front row. Then he turned to the kids and said, “I’ll tell you what, guys, if I catch you dealing drugs, I will lock you up and throw the key away. Have you got that? I will lock you up!”
The kid who had accosted the principal jumped out of his chair a second time. “The heck you will, Jack.” (He didn’t say “heck.” Throughout the meeting I heard a very colorful vocabulary.)
“We’re minors. We’re under eighteen, and you can’t touch us.”
Then the entire group joined in, saying things like, “That’s right, baby, you can’t touch us.”
They were right. And Sam was done. He walked back and sat down. He was supposed to talk for fifteen minutes, but he’d talked for ninety seconds. He sat next to me, leaned over and said, “You can have this mob.” Sam was still for the rest of the session.
I got up and walked to the front of the room, saying to myself, You know, Hyrum, there is no way this can get any worse. But it got worse.
From the front of the room, I could see a kid about halfway back. He was disheveled and his shirt was open to his navel. He was stretched across two chairs and had tattoos everywhere. He was wearing funky glasses. And he looked to be feeling no pain whatsoever. For some reason I took him on.
I said, “Well, it looks like we have our class clown here.”
He jumped out of his chair and took his glasses off. “I don’t have to take that,” he said.
“That’s right, you don’t,” I shot back. “Why don’t you get out?”
“Okay, I will!” He stormed toward the door, then turned around and swore at me, using three words I had never heard before. After he’d slammed the door, the entire group piped up, almost in unison: “Hey man, let’s get the guy with the suit!” That’s how it started.
Normally when we’d go to a high school we’d have fifteen hundred kids in a big auditorium. We’d show a film on kids who got messed up on drugs in Salt Lake City. Then one of the Utah Jazz players would get up and talk about drugs in athletics, and then the US attorney would talk, and then I’d get up and do a thirty-to forty-minute thing on how to gain control of your life. And I would teach them a poem by William Shakespeare.
But I this time I said to myself, Hyrum, if you try and teach these kids a Shakespeare poem, today is your last day on the planet. You had better do something else.
In the past I had never tried to teach the Reality Model to a group of young people, and certainly not this kind of young people. But I found myself up there, thinking, You know what? These kids are going to learn that model if it kills me. And I wasn’t sure it wouldn’t at that point.
So I said, “All right, listen up. I came down here to teach you a model. It’s called the Reality Model. You’re going to burn it into your brains before you walk out that door. I don’t have a blackboard up here, so I need five volunteers. I’ll pick the volunteers. You, get down here.” I dragged a longhaired kid up, sat him in a chair.
“You’re my Needs wheel. There are four Human Needs. Commit them to memory: to live; to love and be loved; to feel important; and to have variety. Give me one back.” At first he wouldn’t give me one back, but finally I got him to mutter one.
Then I picked the kid who’d been accosting everybody to be my Belief Window. It took me six minutes before I finally got his real name. He gave me eleven wrong names first. His real name was JD. I brought him up front and said, “You’re my Belief Window.” I finally had five kids up there, all representing a piece of the model.
“Okay, I’m going to give you a principle you might have on your Belief Window. You give me the need driving that, and let’s take it through the model. Here’s the principle: My self-worth is dependent on being okay with my friends.”
Do you know any young people who have that principle on their Belief Window? Do you know any old people who have that principle on their Belief Window?
“Give me the need driving that,” I said next.
An answer popped up: “To feel important.”
I said, “Yeah, probably that. How about to be loved? Let’s take that through the model. If that’s what you believe, then you set up your rules. You go to a party. Some of your friends offer you drugs and alcohol, what are you going to do?”
The whole group chimed in: “We’re going to take them.”
“That’s right, you’re going to take them. Will the results of that behavior meet your needs over time?”
They didn’t have the foggiest idea what I was talking about.
Identifying Correct Principles
Next we started driving stuff through the model. Twenty-five minutes into the session, JD, the kid who was my Belief Window, figured out the model.
“Okay, Hyrum.” When JD jumped out of his chair, the group went stone quiet. You could see in their faces that they thought, Holy #&*%! JD is going to get the guy with the suit!
Then JD said, “Let me tell you how stupid this model is. You just told us if the results of our behavior don’t meet our needs, there’s an incorrect principle on our Belief Window, right?”
I was excited. He used the words perfectly. “Right,” I answered. I knew exactly where he was going, so I stopped him. “Wait a minute, JD, do you drink?”
“Yeah, I drink.”
“How much do you drink?”
“Eight or ten beers a week. I get wasted on weekends.”
“You get wasted every weekend?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you an alcoholic?”
“No way! You can’t be an alcoholic drinking like that.”
“You just gave me a principle on your Belief Window.”
“I did?”
“Yeah, you did. You just told me you believe you can take eight beers a week, get wasted on weekends, and not be an alcoholic. You told me you believe that.”
“So?”
“That’s all, JD, just want to make sure you understand. Go ahead.”
JD continued. “Okay, Hyrum, that means if the results of our behavior do meet our needs, there’s a correct principle on our Belief Window, right?”
“Right.”
“Okay, I have a principle on my Belief Window.”
I was excited. He was using the model perfectly.
“I don’t care what those kids think about me,” JD continued. “The principle on my Belief Window is that drugs and alcohol are fun. And the need driving that? Variety! Take that through your stupid model. If that’s true, then I set up my rules. I go to a party and my friends offer me drugs and alcohol, so I take them. Do the results of that meet my needs? You bet they do, man. When I take drugs and alcohol, I feel terrific. That means I’ve got a correct principle on my Belief Window, right?”
You could hear a pin drop. I stood there for a second, then answered, “Right.”
And he said, “Right?”
And I said, “Yeah, right. But you forgot the second law, JD. Results take time to measure. You don’t know yet. You may feel good that night, or over the weekend, but over time, is that going to meet your needs?”
He came back with lightning speed, “Okay, okay, man, that means I take drugs and alcohol all my life and prove it, right?”
Pretty smart kid. I said, “Yeah, you can do that. That’s the dumbest way to find out if you’ve got a good principle on your Belief Window, but you can do that if you want.”
“How else are you going to do it?”
I said, “It’s called seeds and fruits.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means you take a look at somebody else’s life that took drugs and alcohol all their lives and see if it really met their needs. Can we do that?”
“Yeah.”
I said, “Okay, JD, you give me one example.” At this point we were nose to nose at the front of the room. I was dripping wet with sweat, but no one knew. I kept my coat on. “You give me one example of somebody who took drugs and alcohol all their lives where it really met their needs. One example.”
Do you know what example he gave me? Elvis Presley.
“Elvis Presley?” I said. “Where’s Presley, for crying out loud?”
“Dead.”
“How come?”
“OD’d on drugs.”
“Did that meet his needs?”
JD sat down, and I turned to the group. “Give me another example.”
The second example they threw at me was Janis Joplin.
“Where’s Janis Joplin?”
“Dead.”
“How come?”
“OD’d on drugs.”
“Did that meet her needs?”
The third example—and I am not kidding—was John Belushi.
“Where’s Belushi?”
“Dead.”
“How come?”
“OD’d on drugs.”
“Did that meet his needs?”
For the first time, I had their undivided attention. The room was completely silent.
“Now, listen, folks. I did not come down here to tell you what belongs on your Belief Window. That is none of my business. I came down here to tell you that you’ve got a Belief Window. You’ve got the same four needs I’ve got. And you’re putting principles and beliefs on that window every day that you think are going to meet your needs. Are you mature enough to take that window off, put it on the table and find out if those principles are correct?”
There was a kid with green hair that jumped out of his chair at this point and said, “This is a bunch of garbage!”
“What do you mean, this is a bunch of garbage?”
“Who cares about this stupid model? We’re all going to be dead in ten years anyway.”
“What do you mean, you’re going to be dead in ten years?”
“Yeah, we’re going to blow ourselves up.”
“You just gave me a principle on your Belief Window.”
“I did?”
“Yeah, you did. You just told me that you believe you’ll be dead in ten years. How many of you believe that?”
Forty-three hands went up. I said, “Let’s take that one through the model: We will be dead in ten years. If you believe that, and it’s now time for you to perform in school, how are you going to perform in school?”
The kid sitting next to the green-haired one jumped out of his chair and said, “This is the dumbest kid in school, man, he’s flunking out.”
I said, “Flunking out. Are the results of that going to meet your needs over time? Suppose you’re not dead in ten years. Twelve years from today, you’re still alive. Who’s going to buy the green dye for your hair, for crying out loud?”
I wish I had a picture of this kid. It looked like he had been hit by a baseball bat.
He stood there and said, “That doesn’t mean you don’t try.”
“The heck it doesn’t. How are you doing in school? Right now, how are you doing in school?”
The kid sitting next to him jumped up again. “This is the village idiot, man. He’s flunking out.”
I said, “You got many friends like him?”
The bell rang, and the door opened and the principal came back: “Your time’s up.”
I said, “Well, I guess our time’s up.”
Two kids jumped up: “No way, man, we’re not done.”
“We’re not done? Do you want some more?” I asked.
“We’ve got to have another hour.”
“Can’t have another hour, its lunchtime,” the principal announced.
“Well, can we come back after lunch?” I asked.
“I guess you can,” said the principal. “Be back in your seats at 12:15.”
Behavior Patterns Identify Results
At five minutes past twelve, sixty kids came into the room; that’s ten more than the first group, and these ten were even harder looking. The five kids that I had up front were back in their chairs before anyone else arrived. They wanted those chairs. When they all got settled, a lot of the hostility was gone, but we weren’t friends yet. I decided that I was going to try something anyway.
I needed to bring the ten new kids up to speed. “Okay guys, remember how I said that when you witness a pattern of behavior, you can tell what’s on the Belief Window? Pretty much, yes, you can. Scarier than that, if you know what’s on someone’s Belief Window, what can you predict with great accuracy? You can predict their behavior and ultimately their results, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“I’m witnessing a pattern of behavior today.”
They all looked at me. “What are you talking about?”
“You people look awful.”
The anger and hostility returned pretty fast.
I said, “Look at you people. If you tried to run in the world I run in, you wouldn’t last thirty seconds. You look horrible.” Then I picked a kid out: “You, stand up.” He had the most beautiful long hair I had ever seen, down below his shoulders.
“You’re wearing long hair.”
“So?”
“How long have you been wearing long hair?”
“Five years.”
“That makes that a pattern of behavior, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well I want to know what’s on your Belief Window driving you to wear long hair.”
Unmet Needs Drive Behavior
The long-haired kid stood there for a full minute. Do you have any idea how long a minute is when the room is totally silent? At the end of the minute, he said, “It gets my father’s attention.”
Which of the four Human Needs was not being met? The need to love and be loved.
Understand that when any of these needs are not being met, all of our energy flows to meet that need, automatically. And we start putting principles on our Belief Window with lightning speed that we think will meet that need. If we put a principle on our Belief Window that drives behavior that works in the short term and destroys in the long term, will we still do it? Tragically, most of us will, unless we learn to meet our needs over time.
I wanted to win these kids back because they were all madder than heck at me. “Listen, guys,” I said. “When I walked in here today, you saw a pattern of my behavior, did you not?”
“What are you talking about, man?”
“Didn’t I throw a long-haired kid out of here?”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Well, maybe I have something on my Belief Window.”
A kid jumped up: “You think all long-haired kids are rotten.”
“Well, I don’t think I believe that, but let’s say I do. Let’s put that on my window: All long-haired kids are rotten. If that’s true then, I come to your school and a long-haired kid gives me a hard time, what am I going to do?”
The whole group roared. “You’re going to throw him out!”
“Right, I threw him out. Will the results of my behavior meet my needs over time?” Sixty heads in the room nodded up and down.
I said, “No, no, no. Is that kid here?”
“No.”
“Is he getting the benefit of this group?”
“Will he ever speak to me again?”
“No.”
“Is that meeting my needs?”
“No!”
Another kid chimed in. “You got a screwed-up Belief Window, Hyrum!”
They were starting to get it.
JD jumped out of his chair; by this time it seemed like he and I had become friends. He said, “Okay, Hyrum, there are two things we got to run through our model.” He actually said “our” model. I wanted to hug him.
He continued, “First of all, why did you come down here? Why are you at our school today?”
“Because I have something on my Belief Window,” I said.
“What is it?”
“Well, I have the principle on my Belief Window that I’m supposed to make a difference.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know exactly what that means. I heard Winston Churchill give a speech before he died. The man said that he was going to make a difference. So I decided Hyrum’s going to make a difference, too. Which of the four Human Needs would drive that?”
A new kid answered, “To feel important.”
I said, “Yeah, and how about the need to love? Why would I come talk to a sick group like you? Variety. Trust me. Let’s take that through the model. If that’s true then, and your school asks me to come talk to you about drugs and alcohol, what am I going to do?”
The whole group answered, “You’re going to do it.”
Then one kid asked, “Well, Hyrum, is it meeting your needs?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “Remember, it takes time to measure results. I don’t know yet.”
“Okay, all right, I understand that,” JD said. “Now, here’s the real thing.” When he started talking about the real thing, he was pacing back and forth in front of the room. “There’s this girl, she’s my friend. She is not my girlfriend.”
The minute he started talking about this girl, the group went deathly quiet. They all knew which girl he was talking about.
“She’s a cocaine addict and an alcoholic. Her parents are alcoholics and cocaine addicts. They beat her all the time. They’re the most screwed-up people you’ve ever seen. She’s going to kill herself today. She called me this morning, and she said that she’s taking herself out today. How are we going to keep this girl from committing suicide?”
They all expected a golden answer from the guy with the suit. I stood there for a minute and said, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“How am I supposed to know?”
“You’ve got a suit, you’re supposed to know!”
I thought that that was an interesting belief on their Belief Window.
“Well, I don’t know,” I said. “Let’s put what we know in the model. What is her behavior?”
JD answered, “I told you, she’s a cocaine addict and an alcoholic.”
“Will the results of her behavior meet her needs over time?” I then had the most electric teaching experience I have ever had. Sixty heads in that room shook their heads from side to side.
I said, “You’ve got that right. What does that mean?”
A kid stood up and said, “She’s got a screwed-up Belief Window!”
JD shouted, “If I go tell her she’s got a screwed-up Belief Window, she’ll throw me out!”
I said, “Guys, it’s deeper than a Belief Window. There’s a need not being met. Which of the four needs aren’t being met?”
Another kid wearing an army field jacket stood up, looking like he’d just had a revelation. Looking at me like I was a complete idiot, he said, “Nobody loves her.”
I replied, “What are we going to do about that?”
The same kid, dumbfounded, looked at me and he said, “We love her, dummy.”
“And how are we going to do that?”
These kids then came up with the most wonderful ideas on how they could show that girl they loved her.
“Do you think if we started showing her we loved her, we could start talking to her about principles on Belief Windows?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
The bell rang again. The principal came back to tell us the time was really up. He threw everybody out, but JD lingered behind. He walked up to me and got right up in my face. “Let me tell you something. I’ve been in drug and alcohol therapy for ten years.”
JD was at this time sixteen years old. His brother had given him cocaine when he was six.
He said, “I’ve been in jail four times. I’ve had every shrink in this state try and figure me out. This is the first time anything made any sense to me.”
I stayed right there, nose to nose. “JD, I’m going to tell you this one more time. I did not come down here to tell you what belongs on your Belief Window. That is none of my business. I came down here to tell you that you’ve got a Belief Window. You’ve got the same needs I’ve got, and you’re putting principles on that window every day that you think will meet your needs. Are you man enough to put that Belief Window on the table and find out what’s incorrect?”
JD responded, “Yeah, I am.”
“Well, I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”