When surprises go unheeded, they don't just fade away. Without the self-awareness that comes from self-reflection, a relatively minor surprise or small problem compounds into a major upset. Now you've got a full-blown crisis on your hands. As I've seen among people I know, including those who have shared their life journeys with me, these crises often spill over into numerous areas: a major relationship is in turmoil, someone's health suffers, a job is in jeopardy. Maybe this has happened to you or to someone you know. If so, then you understand that hitting the brick wall can cause wreckage everywhere in your life.

The best course of action is prevention: self-reflection (see chapter 1) and paying attention to surprises (see chapter 2). But we're all works in progress. We're never in balance all the time, and unfortunately, sometimes it can be too easy to ignore what's happening in our lives. Or we pay attention to a surprise for a little while, adjusting our behaviors and trying to be more balanced. But we don't stick to it and soon go back to our old ways. It's as if we realize that going 90 miles an hour on the highway is not sustainable and we get off at the next exit ramp. The problem is it's so easy to take the next on-ramp onto that highway, and then it's as if we never slowed down at all.

When we're not self-reflective, we can convince ourselves that “things aren't that bad” or “that's just the way it is.” We'll address a problem or issue tomorrow—but right now, we're just too busy, stressed, and moving too fast. We become immune to surprises and far too adept at self-deception.

Perhaps becoming extremely unbalanced in your life has occurred so gradually, you did not really notice it happening. Unknowingly, you detoured further and further from what you thought your life would look like, and now you're not even aware that you're just wandering around. You may be lost without even realizing it.

FOLLOWING OTHERS INTO TROUBLE

Here's a story from my childhood in Pennsylvania that I use to illustrate the danger of what can happen if you're not really aware. One hot summer, I went with my friends to the city pool. I was only in second grade at the time, but because I was pretty good at baseball, my friends in fifth and sixth grade would let me play with them. The age and size difference on the baseball field may not have been as noticeable, but in the pool, it quickly became undeniable.

The shallow end of the pool was roughly two feet deep. We started there and walked toward the deep end. One day, I followed my friends as they headed to deeper water. Soon I was over my head. I was trying to stand in six feet of water, but instead I was sinking. I couldn't swim—and I couldn't breathe, either!

Looking up through the water, I could see a lifeguard on a stand at the side of the pool. I started waving to get her attention. At first, she waved back, so I waved more frantically. Thankfully, she realized what was going on, dove into the water, and pulled me out. “What were you doing?” she asked me.

“I was just walking with my friends,” I told her. It never really occurred to me that they were two feet taller than I was so they could walk (and swim) into deeper water where I just couldn't go. The point of this story is that it can be so easy to gradually continue what you're doing without noticing the risks—until suddenly, you're in over your head.

Although my swimming pool story certainly isn't meant to put any blame on my childhood baseball buddies, it does remind us that we can follow other people into trouble. Sometimes, a friend is a bad influence in adopting behaviors that undermine your values. Other times, it can be a classic case of socializing with people who make you feel inadequate. You try to keep up with the Joneses, such as with a bigger house, a nicer car, or designer clothing. But it's a moving target. We buy a BMW, but our neighbor now drives a Mercedes. We trade up for a Mercedes, but now the neighbor is behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce. The name for this is conspicuous consumption, which we may associate with the 1980s and the status bestowed by owning (and wearing) certain brands. But conspicuous consumption is a sociological and socioeconomic concept that dates back to the late 19th century. It describes US consumer behavior to express culture and values through the goods one purchases. (Hint: these kinds of “values” are not the basis of a values-based life.) More recently, mounting household debt has been directly linked to the lure of conspicuous consumption and the desire to keep up with the Joneses. It doesn't matter that one group does not have the same earning power as the group they try to emulate. The income inequality leads to more consumer borrowing, researchers say, as “households with smaller income gains…use debt to keep up their consumption level relative to households with larger income gains.”¹

In what I've witnessed, the Joneses effect isn't limited to people who are trying to pass themselves off as wealthier than they are. Among the top tier of wealthy individuals, there can be fierce competition for who has the most impressive possessions. I witnessed this firsthand several years ago when I, as CEO of Baxter International, was invited to participate in a business forum that brought together some of the largest global companies. At a dinner, I was seated between two CEOs who I won't name except to tell you they had one commonality: a few years later, both would be in the headlines for allegations of corporate fraud and Securities and Exchange Commission investigations into misleading investors. Both were convicted and faced prison sentences.

None of that had happened at the time of this dinner. But with one on my left and one on my right, I was in the middle of their small talk about construction of their third or fourth homes and problems with their Lamborghinis and Ferraris. Finally, I piped up. “My Honda Accord is still running really well.” They looked at me as if I were from Mars. For them, it was just how they were keeping score. My Honda and I were clearly not part of that game.

People laugh when I tell this story, but there's a sobering truth here. Without self-reflection, it's so easy to be tempted by money and what it can buy. It's not that money is bad—it's a resource and should be treated as such. But as your success increases and with it your income, you can be tempted to keep score like those CEOs at dinner, until you convince yourself that you want and truly do need something bigger, better, flashier, and more expensive.

Again, the vacation house or fancy sports car, in and of itself, won't undermine your values. If you are truly passionate about cars, for example, and driving one is a big part of your leisure bucket (perhaps an interest that you share with family and friends), then enjoy! Just be self-reflective about what and why you're buying something. As my father always reminded me, “Harry, never allow yourself to be possessed by your possessions.”

A friend of mine told me a story about a couple who appeared to have everything: the beautiful house in the “right” suburb, the fanciest cars, the most exquisite designer clothes that the couple loved to show off whenever they entertained or traveled. But their business was hit hard during the 2008–2009 financial crisis. With their income only a fraction of what it had been previously, the man secretly took on huge amounts of debt to keep up the façade of wealth and privilege. It was not sustainable, and when the bank repossessed their house, the truth was finally exposed. Even though he said his motivation was to maintain his wife's lifestyle, she was so infuriated by this deception that she divorced him. He lost his house, possessions, and marriage all because of an attempt to maintain appearances.

We can imagine that, at some point before their circumstances hit the crisis point, there were indications that all was not as it seemed. Maybe a credit card was declined when a purchase was being made. Or there was a scramble to get another loan. These “surprises” could have been a wake-up call that may have enabled this couple to face reality together. Whatever the reason, that did not happen. When this couple hit the brick wall, everything shattered.

THE FORK IN THE ROAD

The brick wall will look different, depending on a person's circumstances or situation. Maybe someone has gained a significant amount of weight, increasing their health risks—even to the point of suffering a heart attack at an early age. Maybe someone's significant other announced that he or she is tired of broken promises and excuses and has just delivered an ultimatum. Negative behaviors may also be threatening someone's career to the point they're afraid of losing their job—or may have already lost it.

Or maybe the job is the problem. What started out at 40 hours a week has escalated to the point that now someone is working 80, 90, even 100 hours a week. It's been easy to rationalize because she's so successful in her work bucket. But maybe now it's 15 years into her career, and she has neglected both family and friends. Her 40th birthday arrives and she decides to throw a party but gets no response because people haven't heard from her in so long.

Sometimes the brick wall can come in the form of confrontation with a loved one, who demands to know why you've been missing from their lives. There's no ultimatum, no loss of love or support—just a frank question, “Why aren't you here?”

The first few times this question gets asked, the answer or explanation may seem straightforward: you're busy at work. Your job demands have increased. Your boss expects you to travel most of the time for your work. You really don't have a choice.

When the question “Why aren't you here?” is asked again and again, those simple answers won't satisfy anyone. Your spouse, partner, children, or other loved ones want to know when you are going to stop being absent. It's a hard question. Walking away from job demands may not be possible given your financial circumstances. Working full-time and going to school may have put you out of balance more than you expected.

As I tell my students, I don't have any answers, but I do have opinions. If any of these stories and examples resonate with you, then you've gone beyond merely being surprised. You're at or near the brick wall. Now you have two choices. The first is you can try to ignore what is happening in your life. It may seem to work for a little while. But when personal or family relationships are in jeopardy, your health risks have escalated considerably, or addictions are overtaking your life, denial will only take you further down a destructive path. At some point, being surprised won't even be an option. Instead, you'll be confronted by an even bigger brick wall.

The second choice is you can respond with significant changes. Often, these changes are so profound that they amount to self-disrupting your life. In fact, the only way back toward balance is with changes that are of the same magnitude as the brick wall you just hit. Your response may involve counseling or a 12-step program. You may quit your job or change jobs. You may have to make radical changes to your diet and lifestyle to improve your health. You may have to move out of the house you can't afford and sell the cars with payments that are beyond your budget.

Whatever you decide, if you truly want to improve your life and commit to the pursuit of better balance in how you allocate your 168, then your response needs to catapult you out of your routine. Maybe you go off for a weekend retreat, start seeing a counselor, or even hike in the desert. It needs to be enough of a disruptive experience that you change the status quo and pull yourself out of deep habits that are difficult to change.

THE SELF-DISRUPTED LIFE

My friend and colleague Carter Cast has an impressive resume: a former marketing executive for several iconic consumer brands, chief marketing officer of an e-commerce jewelry company, and CEO of a major online retailer. Today he is a clinical professor of innovation and entrepreneurship at Kellogg and also a venture partner for a major venture capital group. In addition, he's a husband, father, and author of a best-selling book, The Right (and Wrong) Stuff: How Brilliant Careers Are Made and Unmade. What I admire most about Carter is his decision to self-disrupt his life. It's an inspiring story he shares with candor.

Carter's brick wall was health-related. He was 30 pounds overweight, had heart arrhythmia, and needed to have stomach surgery to address debilitating acid reflux. He hadn't exercised in longer than he could remember, which was unthinkable for this former college All-American swimmer. He had lost touch with most of his friends and could no longer deny that “when you don't reach out to them, they stop calling you.” The problem was his career, which consumed more and more of his time, to the point he was exhausted and burned out. He still managed to hang in there with immediate family, including his wife and children. But he could no longer avoid an uncomfortable truth. As Carter recalled, “I didn't like who I had become.”

Carter had gone beyond being surprised. He'd hit a brick wall.

His response to this massive wake-up call was what he called a time-out. “I benched myself,” he said. He quit his job and simplified his lifestyle. What followed was a prolonged period of self-reflection and self-examination. “I had to create a disruptive experience to get out of the groove of my bad lifestyle,” Carter recalled.

Looking back, Carter drew from author William Bridges to describe the three phases of the transition that took him from a burned-out executive to a clinical professor and venture capital partner—with much greater awareness of the importance of balance in his life. The phases are endings, neutral zones, and beginnings.

WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?

If pursuing wealth, possessions, and status has put you on the collision course with the brick wall, making changes will probably become complicated for you by a nagging fear: “What will the neighbors [or family or friends or peers] think?” We assign these people so much influence, as if their opinions matter very much to us. Often the thinking goes something like this: “I can't quite possibly quit my job, because what will So-and-So think? I know I can't afford my house and I have to get out from under this debt, but if a ‘for sale’ sign goes up tomorrow, what will the neighbors think? If I decide that I don't want to be a [insert current occupation] any longer, and instead I want to be a [insert new occupation], what will my family think?”

This thinking becomes a vicious cycle, and suddenly you are more worried about other people's opinions instead of leading a more authentic, values-based life. Here's the good news: your family and friends who really love you and want the best for you are probably going to be supportive of the changes you want to make in your life. After all, they've seen you be surprised, and they may have witnessed you hitting the brick wall. So, when you tell them that you've gone through the three phases of ending, the neutral zone, and beginning, they'll most likely be happy for you. Their biggest concern for you is whether you're taking care of yourself. Although they're proud of you, they are most concerned about whether you're really happy and able to keep your life in perspective.

The neighbors, acquaintances, former classmates, and colleagues simply are not thinking about you as much as you imagine (and probably they're not thinking of you at all). They've got their own problems to think about—their mortgages, health, marriages, and job performance, as well as the surprises that are getting their attention. So don't let someone else's opinion (real or imagined) keep you from living the life that is right for you.

All too often, people stray from becoming their true selves and living a values-based life out of fear of what others think of them. A story that has always illustrated this point for me was of a man I met in a nursing home many years ago. To explain, after my parents retired in Minnesota, they decided to give back to their community by volunteering at nursing homes in the Minneapolis–St. Paul area. My father liked to sing, and my mother played the piano, so they gave several performances every month for nursing home residents. I tried to attend their shows on my frequent visits to Minnesota.

On one occasion, I sat next to a gentleman in his late eighties. I'll never forget how elegantly he was dressed, in a handsome tweed jacket and a bow tie. As my parents performed, he hummed along to the song “Oklahoma.” After the performance, as the cake and coffee were served, I started talking to the man. He told me he had been a senior executive at Pillsbury, which prompted me to ask him several questions about his life experiences: why he had made certain decisions and what he might have done differently. I'll never forget his answer. When he was in his forties, he seriously considered leaving the corporate world and becoming a teacher, but ultimately decided against it. “The reason I didn't do it was because I was worried about what ‘they’ would think,” he told me. “You know what? I'm 89 years old now, and I spend a lot of my time thinking about things. Who were ‘those people’ I was so worried about, and why did I care so much about what they thought?”

The moral of this story is that focusing too much on the opinions of others can lead you right into a brick wall. Instead, you must be comfortable with yourself and who you really are, and make choices that support leading a values-based life. Or as Carter says, quoting one of his favorite mantras, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

IT TAKES TIME TO RECOVER

Imagine for a moment that you're driving on an icy road. You're in a hurry, you're not paying as much attention as you should, and you're tired and distracted. You hit black ice, the car spins out of control, and you slam into the concrete wall. Your car is totaled, and you have some injuries—your arm is broken, you have whiplash, and even though the airbag deployed, you may have hit your head as the car spun around. You're transported to the hospital by ambulance.

Do you think you would wave off the ambulance, call an Uber instead, and immediately go to the nearest car dealership so you can get right back on the road? Not likely. In fact, you're probably shaken up by what just happened and realizing just how much worse it could have been.

The same applies when you hit a figurative wall in your life. You were going too fast, didn't notice the hazards, ignored the surprises, were distracted and exhausted, and totaled your life (or at least parts of it). Recovering is going to take time and patience. Transitioning from the way you were living to having the values-based life you truly want is not instantaneous. You need to self-reflect and seek the input of others.

As we discuss in chapter 4, taking those first steps of building new habits and creating values-based routines will require effort and repetition. Plus, you'll be doing a lot of experimenting along the way as you discover more about yourself and who you want to become.

We can find lessons and reminders all around us—in nature, where it takes time for a seed to germinate and the plant to grow, for a caterpillar to change into a butterfly, and for the seasons to transition from one to the next. If you become impatient or easily discouraged, you will set yourself up for disappointment and failure. You can't leapfrog ahead, from deciding you want to be more involved in your community to deciding that next month you're going to be running an NGO. The transition to your best self takes time, slowly changing and building a life that is authentic and sustainable. If you are willing to accept and understand these truths, then you will enjoy the journey and the process. With continual self-reflection, you'll discover and create a values-based life.