For many of us, family is one of the most important life buckets—if not the most important. Family is usually defined by having a spouse and children, as well as an extended family of siblings, parents, and other relatives. For others, family also includes people who are so close to them, the word friend just doesn't suffice. Our personal lives are further enriched by having enduring friendships and a sense of community. These people and connections give meaning to our lives, providing us a center. In this chapter, we'll approach family, friends, and community like concentric circles, one encircling the other. At the core is family, as you can see in figure 7.1.

MY FAMILY LIFE

For me, no matter how much time and attention I devote to other areas, family is the center of my life. It's been that way from as far back as I can remember. My parents and grandparents were my first and most important teachers; they taught me values such as the importance of faith, respecting everyone, doing the right thing, and always doing my best.

One of my most vivid childhood memories was getting all As on my first-grade report card. My dad was so excited and proud. “I have to show this to your grandmother,” he told me. I can still picture my grandmother reading each of my grades aloud and asking me questions about what I learned in school. This ingrained in me from a very young age the importance of doing well, because I wanted to make my family proud. When I got a little older, some of the other students would brag about not doing their homework. Whenever I thought about my dad and how proud he was to show my grandmother my report card, I knew I was going to do my homework. Even if he and my mother didn't tell me to do it, I didn't want to disappoint them.

My four siblings—Steve, Paul, Marilyn, and Tom—and I grew up knowing that Mom and Dad cared deeply about what was happening in our lives. At dinner, Dad would go around the table and ask each of us about our day; he genuinely wanted to know. Our parents were deeply involved in our lives, whether going to Little League games, going to the movies, or taking us to church every Sunday—not just dropping us off at the door to come back in an hour. They lived their values. In turn, their beliefs, attitudes, and actions shaped my thinking about my 168 and continue to keep me grounded.

Our parents also instilled in us the importance of loving each other. When my brothers and I were young and got into a fight, Dad would seldom yell at us. Instead, he would sit us down and start to cry (which was far worse than getting yelled at). He'd tell us how he did not get along with his brother and sister when he was young, which he deeply regretted. “No matter what, I want you all to get along,” Dad would say as tears rolled down his face.

To this day, my brothers, my sister, and I call each other every few days. No matter how busy we are, we always make it a priority to get together at least twice a year. As I was writing this chapter, we had just returned from spending a weekend together in New York City. In addition, every few years, all 24 of us get together: my siblings and I, our spouses, and a grand total of 14 children. It's a real family reunion of laughing, reminiscing, and deepening connections. Equally important, it's a gift we give to the next generation in hopes that they, too, will carry on the closeness we've enjoyed throughout our lives.

When I met Julie Jansen in college—I was a senior and she was a freshman—one of the most important things we had in common was strong family ties. She was close to her parents and her six siblings. As we got to know each other, it was clear that we held similar values, deep religious faith, and a shared sense of purpose. How blessed we were to have met in college. We knew from a young age that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. It wasn't just an attraction—we were deeply aligned on what was most important to each of us. Before we got married, Julie and I discussed our beliefs and values, including how we intended to raise our children one day.

A STRONG FAMILY TO SUPPORT BALANCE

Being blessed with a strong family has helped me pursue balance. I'm surrounded by people who genuinely care about me. With them, I never had to worry about whether I got promoted or not, or how much money I made or didn't make. In fact, whenever I got promoted, one of their first questions was always whether I was taking care of myself or working too hard. For example, when I was named to a director-level position at Baxter, my mother asked me, “Are you getting enough sleep and exercise? Are you spending enough time with Julie and the children?” When I became chief financial officer, Julie told me how proud she was of me, but in the next breath she asked, “Are you still going to be Harry, or are you going to get caught up in the corporate mumbo-jumbo?”

From personal experience, I can tell you that a strong family will keep you grounded. When you're leading a big project and constantly working, your loved ones will intervene. You may even get asked some tough questions. “Are you going to keep working 80 hours a week, or are you going to start spending more time with the people who are most important to you?”

When someone you love says, “I don't have enough time with you. I need you to be here,” then you have to face the reality of your 168. Chances are, you're severely out of balance. If you want to avoid surprises (see chapter 2) and prevent yourself from hitting the wall (see chapter 3), you need to invest time and effort in building a strong family. The people closest to you, with whom you share strong bonds, cannot become just one more thing on your to-do list. They form the center that keeps you from spinning out of control. Their presence in your life enhances your purpose and meaning.

THE FAMILY CHALLENGE

Having a strong family is a real positive—truly a blessing. However, given the reality of most people's lives, work and family can feel like two opposing forces. People who are building their careers and starting a family often feel that challenge day to day, from the logistics of who goes where to handling a long to-do list of what must get done. Most working parents (and I'm one of them) feel the push and pull of work and family.

Sound like pressure? It is—and this is the other side of having a strong family. You want to be home for dinner, to take walks with your spouse, and to help your children with their homework and coach their sports teams. Your time, however, isn't unlimited. You only have your 168. You can't be everywhere—not at every school event, soccer game, or activity. You have to make choices. This is hard, especially because each choice involves people you love and don't want to disappoint.

The only way to handle these difficult choices is by using self-reflection to help you stay focused on your values. You are committed to doing the right thing and the best you can do. However, the reality is you can't spend 100 percent of your time with your family. I can remember when Suzie, our oldest child, was in first grade and liked to talk to me when she got home from school. Julie would dial the phone number for her, and invariably the first question would be why I wasn't home. Her school was done at three o'clock, so why wasn't my work done?

Add to that business travel, late meetings, and board dinners—along with job demands that exceed a 40-hour week. As we've discussed (especially in chapter 6 on managing life balance in real time), it takes some juggling (along with planning and prioritization, as outlined in chapter 5). Some of those choices will mean spending more time working or focused on another life bucket, such as health (maybe you're training for a marathon) or fun (you play a sport regularly). No one can decide it for you. On some days, work will be the main focus; on others, it will be all about family. Sometimes, it will be a mix of both.

Without self-reflection, choosing what to do will be extremely difficult. Most likely, you'll be ruled by your emotions, especially guilt. There's nothing worse than being in one place—whether that is a work event or your third cousin's birthday party—and knowing you should be someplace else. With self-reflection, you can gain peace of mind and minimize the second-guessing of what you should have, could have, or would have done if you had a chance to do it over again (which, of course, you won't have). It's never going to be perfect and probably will be messy, but that's the reality of life and making choices.

BALANCING THE FAMILY BUCKET

The more self-reflective and self-aware you become, the more clarity you'll have. You'll make decisions based on your life circumstances, your commitments and prioritization, and your 168. You'll also get creative. For example, when my son Andrew asked if I could coach his Little League team, I knew there was no way I could be the only coach, but I didn't want to disappoint him. My solution was to reach out to three other dads with children on the team and the four of us agreed to share the coaching duties. We took a blood oath that at least one of us would always be at the game—and it worked.

By planning ahead and figuring out some things I could do on the phone or on the laptop, with a little flexibility I could make things happen. For example, in our neighborhood we had a Y-Guide program for first to third graders, including weekend camping trips, but with one condition: a parent had to go. Despite being busy, because I have five children each born about three years apart, I ended up in Y-Guides for 15 consecutive years. When it was lights out for the first graders at nine o'clock at night, I would sit outside the cabin with my laptop and internet connection device so I could do email in the woods.

I also found ways to combine some extra family time with work-related social events. For example, when I was in a corporate role, bankers or advisors would sometimes invite me to a Chicago Cubs game. I didn't want to spend a night away from the family, so I'd suggest an idea: they brought their children to the game and I brought mine. The children had a good time together, and the bankers and I had some time to talk business. (And Julie enjoyed some alone time at home.)

It takes some planning and flexibility, but there are ways to spend extra time with the people who matter most. For example, if I have an early flight, I'll drive my youngest son, Daniel, to school on the way to the airport. Or if my return flight lands when Daniel's school day ends, I'll pick him up on the way home and we'll grab a burger together. Similarly, if I am working downtown and have a speech later that evening, I'll ask Suzie and Shannon to meet me when they finish work, and we'll all have an early dinner together.

For the last three summers, Diane, who is studying to be a registered nurse, has worked the night shift at Evanston Hospital. Often, I'll stay up late and drive her to work at midnight, or I'll come by at seven-thirty in the morning to pick her up and bring her home. These times in the car give us an extra chance to connect.

When I travel domestically or internationally, whether I'm attending a board meeting or giving a speech, I always let Julie know several weeks in advance to see if she can join me. If so, we tack on an extra day before or after the event so we can spend more time together.

Does it take planning to work out the logistics? Yes, but having more ways to maximize my time with family is always worth the effort.

KNOWING HOW TO SAY NO

This brings us to choices within the family bucket. You can't possibly say yes to every invitation. The same planning and prioritization we discuss in chapter 5 must be applied here as well to decide which family events and functions you must attend and which ones are simply not a priority.

When we were first married, Julie and I seriously considered moving back to Minnesota because we were driving there once a month to spend weekends with our families. As we talked about it, we realized that if we were local, we'd face a lot of pressure to be at every birthday party and other family gatherings. We'd end up upsetting people and causing ourselves a lot of stress. Instead, every time we made the effort to come up from Chicago, people were so happy to see us. They understood that we couldn't attend every party or family dinner, and we made a sincere effort to get to some of the special events. Reflecting on this made the decision a lot easier: we stayed in Chicago!

Anna Budnik, whose story I shared in chapter 6, was candid about how she has come to terms over the years with having a busy career as an executive at Willis Towers Watson, being married with two children, and having a very large extended family. “My dad was one of 11, so I had about 30 cousins. This made for many birthday parties when I was growing up. Then I met my husband, who is one of ten children, and there were even more parties and get-togethers,” Anna explained.

With so many cousins, nieces, and nephews (and now their children), Anna said it was easy to fall into what she called “Italian guilt” if she didn't attend every party. “But at some point, you have to prioritize,” she added.

Anna shared a recent story of being invited to a birthday party for a one-year-old in the extended family. She also had been given Chicago Bears tickets for that same day and wanted to take her immediate family to the game. Her decision was to send a card and gift to the birthday party, with a promise to visit the relatives later in the week. That way she could go to the Bears game and enjoy the day without regret or guilt. “It's not saying no—it's making both work,” she said.

Here's some advice that has helped me over the years. When you are trying to juggle numerous invitations and obligations—birthdays, weddings, and graduations—it's easy to make it all about you. You're wondering whether you'll be missed and what would happen if you don't show up. If you make it about other people instead, it's easier to choose when to accept an invitation and when it's okay to pass. If your presence is really important to the other person, and if being there feels like the right thing to do, that will heavily influence your decision. If at all possible, you're going to be there. However, if no one will really notice whether you're among the 300 guests at your fourth cousin's wedding, then it's probably just fine to send a gift and a card with your best wishes.

At times, though, there will be difficult choices to make. As my parents got older, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them, while also pursuing balance in other areas of my life. I would often go to Minneapolis on my free weekends to see them, but not every weekend. I can remember one particular weekend when the children wanted to know if we could go to New York to see a Broadway play. As I self-reflected, I asked myself, “How would I feel if my parents passed away the week after I went to New York?” I acknowledged that I had gone to see my parents two weekends before. Even if that turned out to be my last visit, I was at peace. With that, I could make the decision to go to New York and, God willing, to see my parents again the next time I had a free weekend.

There will be trade-offs. Sometimes you can make the logistics work and sometimes you can't. Carol, a young woman I spoke to recently, shared with me her sadness of not being able to go home to Tennessee for Thanksgiving because her fiancé had to work the next day. “It just didn't make sense for us,” she told me. Her decision was to engage in a new tradition that is gaining popularity among people who cannot be with their families for holidays: Friendsgiving. As the name implies, it is a gathering of friends and sometimes friends-of-friends around a holiday table. “I've never cooked a Thanksgiving meal before,” Carol told me.

Rather than feeling excluded from her family, she engaged them long distance. “My mom and my aunts have been giving me their recipes. Mom and I are going to Skype on Thanksgiving morning so she can help me with the turkey,” Carol said.

It's also important to acknowledge that there can be other circumstances that prevent people from spending time with their families. For some, their desire to live a healthy, values-based life is undermined by family issues. Instead of moving them toward life balance, interactions with certain members of their family threaten that balance. These relationships cause so much trauma that people must limit the amount of time they spend with some family members for the sake of their physical and mental health.

Self-reflection is the only way to make these difficult choices about what is the right thing to do. Getting support from others can help, especially people who can act as a sounding board to talk through the decision process and provide an outside perspective. Rather than feeling cut off, people who feel the stress of estranged or broken family relationships can find connections and meaning in other supportive relationships.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS

Beyond our immediate family, there are other close relationships that enhance our lives.

Oprah Winfrey, in describing her sense of family, wrote in the February 2019 issue of her magazine, “Biologically, mine is pretty small. One sister, three nieces, a nephew. But emotionally and physically, the family keeps expanding. Looking around our Thanksgiving table last year, I was reminded of what it means to create bonds and relationships that bind you to the heart of yourself.”¹

From our core of family, we move to the first concentric circle of friends. These are the people who contribute to our sense of belonging, comfort, and sanctuary—and where, how, and to whom we give the same. By the time we're school-age, we're making friends. Most of us can think back to kindergarten and first grade when some boy or girl asked, “Do you want to be my friend?” Maybe you came home and announced to your parents that someone in your class told you, “You're my best friend.” These early experiences taught us the importance of developing and maintaining friendships.

Even today, I stay in close touch with several high school friends. In fact, during our annual family vacation road trip last summer—the main purpose of which was to visit colleges with Daniel—we made a detour so I could show my children where I went to high school in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania. We also stopped to see one of my high school friends. My children really enjoyed hearing stories about what I was like as a teenager.

From my college days, I have maintained close friendships with about a half-dozen guys. We get together every year for a long weekend to talk about life now versus then. We think back to when we first met, at age 17 or 18, and how much has changed (as well as what hasn't) 47 years later.

I've also made friends through various groups and activities, including church and Little League baseball. I even stay in touch with someone I met while sharing a cab in New York City. This collection of people from all walks of life is an important part of who I am.

As you reflect on your friendships, consider the people who are part of your memories and help tie your life together. Long-term friendships are an important constant in your life because these are the people who knew you when. When you want to celebrate, when you need support, when you need a listening ear, your friends are there for you, just as you try to be there for them.

Given my schedule, I'm often asked how I find time to keep in touch with so many people. Allow me to share a little secret: I stay in touch with brief, but frequent, conversations. These enable me to catch up, even if only for five or ten minutes. This is possible because I call friends every few weeks. When I'm driving downtown from my house and I know it's going to take an hour, I make several phone calls. If I'm in an airport and my flight gets delayed, I'll do the same thing. Even if I can't spend a lot of time, I show that I'm thinking of them.

These short check-ins keep friendships alive until you can get together in person. If you are not in touch frequently, though, you can't have a five-minute check-in. It would take an hour, which you probably don't have. So you put off calling, then it's been three months, six months, a year. The longer it goes between calls, the easier it is to lose touch.

Make a list of whom you need to contact and reach out to them. Once you catch up, commit to check in more often, but briefly (they're busy, too). When you make it a priority, you'll make these calls. And when you find yourself sitting at an airport gate because your flight has been delayed, you won't get annoyed or angry. You'll take out your phone and your list and catch up with friends who will be happy to hear from you.

BUILDING YOUR COMMUNITY

Returning to the image of concentric circles, the outer ring is community. I think about community on two levels. First, there are the people with whom we share meaningful experiences or engage in enriching activities. In 1986, David W. McMillan and David M. Chavis coined the seminal definition of sense of community as “a feeling that members have of belonging, a feeling that members matter to one another and to the group, and a shared faith that members' needs will be met through commitment to be together.” Their definition applies to communities of every type, from neighborhoods to professional or spiritual groups.

Julie and I are very active in our faith community that comes together every Sunday to pray. I also have a sense of community at Kellogg, including colleagues I admire and many I consider to be close friends. There are other communities that I am part of less frequently but that are still very important to me. Every year for the past 40 years, I have attended a three-day silent retreat. I go the first week of December, without fail. I'm joined by the same men every year. I would never go at another time, because that's “our week.” No matter that I don't know these men—we can't even talk with each other (it's a silent retreat, as I discuss in chapter 10). I share a communal experience with them that is so important to who I am as a person.

In the same way, you share interests or life experiences with others. This could be a 12-step program, a study group, a book club, or a yoga class. There are even communal experiences that we enjoy unconsciously, such as when we're part of a group of fans at a baseball game, a concert, or a movie. When it's a shared experience, it adds to our joy.

As you self-reflect, think about the activities you enjoy that enrich your life. By sharing these experiences with others—whether through a club, a class, or another group—you can expand your sense of community. In the company of like-minded individuals, you can find more meaning, as well as fun.

THE WORKPLACE AS A COMMUNITY

Another important community for many people is the workplace. It makes sense because many people spend the bulk of their weekdays working. Whether that occurs in a work setting such as an office or we work virtually, we are in constant contact with the same group of people every day. When this is a positive connection, it adds to our sense of community. We belong!

It's no surprise that it's far more rewarding to work with people you respect and who feel the same way about you. As research shows, positive work friendships not only make work more enjoyable but also help people be more successful. “Warm, positive relationships are important at work for very human reasons,” Annie McKee, a senior fellow at the University of Pennsylvania Graduate School of Education, wrote in Harvard Business Review. “Since the beginning of time, people have organized into tribes that labor and play together. Today organizations are our tribes. We want to work in a group or a company that makes us proud and inspires us to give our best efforts.”³

Having mutual respect for and alignment with your colleagues goes to the heart of what I call a best team. In my second book, Becoming the Best: Build a World-Class Organization through Values-Based Leadership, I describe five bests: best self, best team, best partner, best investment, and best citizen. On a personal level, being a values-based leader and committing to lead a values-based life is the heart of being your best self.

When we interact with others, as we do in any community including the workplace, we are part of a best team. A best team is formed when people are self-reflective, understand themselves, and come together with a sense of common purpose. In fact, it takes every individual operating at his or her best self for the group to function at its best. To clarify this point, I don't mean a collection of superstars, like some elite team of highly paid professional athletes. Rather, a best team is a group of people who have the capability and desire to work well together, so that the collective efforts of the team are far greater than what any individual can contribute on his or her own.

At the heart of the best team are commonly held values. This is the basis of building the team to ensure that everyone is pulling in the same direction. A similar sentiment was echoed in a discussion I had about community and leading a values-based life with Jeffrey M. Solomon, chairman and CEO of Cowen Inc., a publicly traded, independent investment bank with more than 100 years of history. (Jeff also shares more of his story in chapter 10.)

Jeff describes his firm as a community, brought together by common goals and objectives, at the center of which are shared values: vision, empathy, sustainability, and tenacious teamwork—or VEST. Although each team member contributes differently, having a vision brings them all together. Vision also fosters innovation as opportunities and challenges are anticipated.

Empathy fosters engagement with others to understand where people are coming from—their needs and desires. With empathy, a culture is created in which people care about each other and truly want to help each other be successful.

The value of sustainability speaks to both profitability and having a positive impact. “Internally within Cowen and externally in the community, sustainability benefits us—and not just from a profitability standpoint,” Jeff explained. “The more good we can do for ourselves, the more good we can do for the world. That's the concept of sustainability.”

Jeff's observation reminded me of a comment I heard years ago from Baxter chairman William Graham, who used to say, “Aren't we blessed to be able to do well by doing good?”

Cowen, like every other business, needs to generate a return for its shareholders. However, sustainability also acknowledges that building relationships for the long term is more important than making as much profit as possible in the short term. With sustainability as a value, the emphasis is still on making a “fair return and getting paid for providing a service,” Jeff said. “But we also have to be willing to leave something on the table. We can't be doing things that jeopardize relationships longer term.”

This echoed the concept of best partner as I describe in Becoming the Best. Best partnerships are holistic, guided by collaboration and mutual respect, instead of trying to squeeze every dime out of every transaction. Partnerships benefit all involved, becoming a competitive advantage and ultimately enabling all parties to achieve more profitability and work together to satisfy customers and grow their businesses in a highly competitive environment.

Cowen's value of “tenacious teamwork” defines how people work together in the community, as individuals who collaborate. “We believe that the problems we are trying to solve are complex and require more than one person to come up with a valuable solution,” Jeff said. “If someone isn't willing to work with others, [he or she is] not going to work at Cowen.”

A challenge for leaders in creating a best team is helping individuals see the impact of their efforts. Too often, people focus too narrowly only on what they do. When they can see how what they do affects the team, the department, and the entire company—no matter how big or small that impact—they begin to see themselves as part of a bigger whole. They're in a community in which everyone plays an important part.

As we discussed in chapter 6, having supportive relationships at work enables people to be honest about what they have going on in their lives and to find ways to pursue balance. This is a community that can truly bring out the best in people.

CELEBRATING THE BROADER COMMUNITY

Now let's take a look at a broader sense of community, which is not limited to neighbors, the workplace, or any other institutional or spiritual group. On the highest level, community is defined by everyone with whom we come in contact. I practice this sense of community by saying hello and exchanging a few words with everyone I meet during the day. Every time I walk into Kellogg's Global Hub, I make it a point to speak with the receptionists, Chris and Kenn. It's not just a nice or polite thing to do, it's important to me, and they've become my good friends.

I also look for ways to brighten someone's day. For example, when I am a guest speaker at an event at a hotel and am given a bottle of wine, rather than put it in my suitcase, I make it a gift to the taxi driver who takes me to the airport.

Everyone matters: the people you see in the elevator, in the company or school cafeteria, in the hotel lobby, on the airplane—everywhere. We are all part of a community defined by our humanness. We're not the same—we are individuals. We have different opinions and beliefs. In this regard, I've always followed the Prayer of St. Francis that reminds us of the importance of seeking first to understand rather than to be understood and to love instead of being loved.

If we want to enjoy a strong community, we need to acknowledge our differences and to celebrate them in the spirit of inclusion. At the same time, we need to celebrate all the things that make us the same: the desire to do good, to provide for our families and loved ones, to have purpose and meaning.

All people, no matter who they are or where they come from, are our sisters and brothers. In any way I can, small or large, I try to feel part of that big, global community. Within a broad community, no one is left behind. We all belong. We all matter.