6

The Right Frame of Mind

First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.

EPICTETUS

YOU’VE POURED YOUR SOUL into these designs. You’ve taken all this time to think about your stakeholder’s perspective. Plus, you just spent the better part of your mental capacity listening to them talk about why your designs don’t work as well as you think they do. It would be tempting (even logical) to think that you’re cleared now to launch into an epic speech about usability and wax eloquent on design patterns and data, but you’re not. Before you go to the point of no return, you should get in the right mindset. You need to put on an attitude that will help you be articulate and get what you want. It requires you to give up control, check your ego at the door, and always lead with a “yes.” More than that, preparing to respond is about learning to be charming and avoiding replies that will only hurt your efforts. When you’re in the right frame of mind, you can set up your response by following a pattern called “Thank, Repeat, Prepare.” The purpose of this chapter is to help you be mentally prepared to take on the responsibility of using your own words to win people over. Crafting an effective response requires a bit of mental exercise to do well.

Give Up Control

If you’re familiar with twelve-step programs that help people overcome addiction, the first step is appropriate in our relationship to our designs, too. The first step to recovery is admitting that you’re not in control.¹ No matter what we think, we don’t usually have the final say when it comes to our designs. We have a significant amount of input into the process, but at the end of the day, there is always someone else who can overrule us. There may even be an entire team of people who disagree with our proposed solutions! We’d like to think that we can design whatever we want, but we’re naturally limited by those in authority over us. There are other people involved, whether that’s our team or an individual executive. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll see how important it is for you to learn to influence people with your words. You can’t force them to agree with you. You have no choice but to find a better way.

Even if we could, would we really want to get our way every time without needing the approval of others? Would we even want to have the authority to design something against the better judgment of our peers? It would be incredibly unsatisfying as a designer to know that no one else agreed with us, and yet we still chose to go our own way. The whole purpose of user experience design is to create something that’s useful—in fact, delightful—for the widest possible audience. What sort of enjoyment would we get from an experience that everyone else around us thinks is terrible? That’s no way to live a designer’s life, and as much as it can be difficult dealing with feedback from other people, the approval of and appreciation from the people on our team is actually far more rewarding in the long term.

This is why letting go of our designs is a healthy thing. We create it, we give it life and influence its direction, but then it grows up and goes out into the world on its own. After we show it to someone else, it is no longer only ours to cherish and coddle. When we share our designs with other people, we are letting them into our world and allowing them to influence our process. The parallels to parenting are not lost on me.

The hardest part of listening to design feedback from a nondesigner is letting go. When we recognize that we don’t have ultimate control over the final outcome, we make a mental shift that exposes just how much we need to communicate well in order to maintain the sanity of the user experience. Letting go of control creates an emotional release so you can keep your wits about you and not take everything so personally.

What does that look like in practice? It’s nothing more than taking on the attitude that your work is not your own. It’s making the simple recognition that you can’t control everything. It’s admitting that you need help from other people to create the best experience. It’s a mental practice of taking two steps back, getting out of your bubble, and walking around to the other side of the table to sit with your stakeholder. Armed with empathy for their perspective, it becomes much more natural to allow their feedback to exist separately from your own personal interests. If you can convince yourself of those things, you’ll be in a healthier place to talk about your designs with others. You cannot respond unless you’ve first learned to let go.

Check Your Ego at the Door

Getting in the right frame of mind is also about remembering to check your ego at the door. We need to separate ourselves from our own ideas and ambitions in a way that allows other people to inform the project without being blind to their suggestions. We can’t think that we’re the only ones with good ideas, that we have all the best solutions, or that there is only one way (our way) to accomplish the goals. Our egos can get in the way of our ability to respond to stakeholders effectively.

There is a tension here, though. Our expertise in design suggests that we should be recommending the best solutions. We do want our stakeholders to understand us and trust that we know what we’re talking about. They should know that our expertise and recommendations are to be taken seriously. We want to convince them that we’re right, but at the same time, we can’t actually believe that our ideas are the only way. There’s a delicate balance between believing that we have the best ideas and recognizing that they aren’t the only ideas. The challenge is to make solid recommendations while also separating yourself from your ego and taking seriously the suggestions and ideas of other people. This is difficult to do.

The trouble with ego is that it’s almost impossible to see in yourself, which is why it’s a problem to begin with. If everyone could easily recognize when they’re being egotistical, the world would be a much simpler place to navigate. The red flag to look for is when you find yourself thinking that your solution is so much better that you don’t see any value at all in the other person’s suggestion. In normal, healthy discussions, you can usually see the value of what the other person is saying even if you disagree. When your ego is getting in the way, that value is lost. Any time you think that you’re right and they’re wrong, you should be cautious. It doesn’t mean that you must agree with them, it only means that you might need to reevaluate the situation.

When our egos are preventing us from seeing the value of other ideas, it will manifest itself in the form of excuses for why the other person’s suggestion is not valid. For example, you might find yourself thinking, “They don’t understand technology,” “They’re old,” “They’re not our target user,” or “They don’t know anything about design.” When you begin excusing other people’s ideas with glib stereotypes or by writing off their expertise, there’s a good chance your ego is to blame. Be on the lookout for these kinds of subtle reactions in your own mind and find a better way to position yourself so that you can form the best response. If the only logic for disagreeing with someone else’s suggestion is “they don’t understand my job,” you’re not going to be able to build your case on that kind of generic (and egotistical) assumption. By removing your ego, you create the space you need to form a response that will be based in reality and logic instead of opinion and stereotypes. Removing your ego makes you less defensive and therefore better prepared to respond appropriately.

Not every design decision will cost you tangible amounts of money, but letting your ego get in the way has real consequences even if you don’t realize it. Despite learning from my own mistakes, I still find it a daily struggle to keep my ego in check. There is no magic pill. It takes conscious effort, reminders from your team, and practice. So, do your best to check your ego at the door. It will allow you to have an open mind and put you in a much healthier place to respond to the people whose support you need to be successful.

Lead with a YES

One of the biggest barriers to effective communication is when people see each other as being on opposite teams. It’s easy for there to be an us-versus-them mentality when discussing design with someone who is not a designer. One of our jobs as good communicators is to remember and reinforce that we’re all in this together, headed toward the same goals, and with the same level of passion for the product.

There is no better way to foster this atmosphere of collaboration than to always lead with a YES.

The concept of leading with a yes was modeled for me by Dave Ferguson, one of the cofounders of the NewThing Network, a nonprofit network of churches and social-justice organizations whose mission is derived from the passion, charity, and volunteerism of others. Dave and I worked together for many years in the suburbs of Chicago, and I absorbed much of his leadership style into my own routines. Since the beginning of Dave’s leadership, he wasn’t often in a position to pay people salaries to accomplish the mission and vision of the organizations he leads. Because he relied on donations, he simply couldn’t do everything that other stakeholders thought was important to the mission of the organization. Instead, he had to learn to influence people with his leadership style and the passion they had to do good things for others. When he was first starting out as a pastor, people would come to him with great ideas that he wasn’t able to pull off on his own. Rather than turn people away, he chose to always deliberately say yes to people who had ideas that might be seem impossible given his resources.

He found that people were more motivated, empowered, and passionate when their ideas were given permission to succeed. Even if they didn’t fully accomplish their goal, it was far better to empower people to do great things than to shut them down at the outset. Dave says, “We have learned that if we want to be involved in innovative and creative new things, we have to ‘lead with a yes.’”² He has been helping other people learn to do this by always looking for the opportunity to agree with and empower them with a positive reaction to their ideas and suggestions. Dave references an article from Fast Company magazine titled “My Greatest Lesson” by Katherine Hudson. In that article, she says, “When someone offers you a challenge, don’t think of all the reasons why you can’t do it. Instead, say, ‘Yes!’ Then figure out how you’ll get it done.” This is the foundational principle for leading with a yes.

This principle also has roots in improvisational comedy. One common rule for improv is that each actor must agree with the other: whatever one actor brings, the other must go along with. Why? Because if one actor says no, it will completely shut down the sketch; they’ll have nowhere to go. Our meetings with stakeholders are also improvisations. If we expect to head in a positive direction, then it’s critical that we always lead with a yes. Otherwise, we risk shutting down the conversation or sounding like we’re making excuses for why their suggestion won’t work.

This idea has had a profound effect on the way I communicate to people about design. It means to always stay positive and never refuse someone, regardless of the implications their suggestion might have on the project. It’s about stating directly that you value the other person’s perspective. It’s about being open to new, innovative ideas even if you’re not sure they will work. It’s a positive, life-giving word that will change the way you communicate about your designs to other people.

DEVELOPING A YES REFLEX

Leading with a yes means that you always begin every response with a positive affirmation of the other person’s idea or request. It is a mindset that this person isn’t wrong. They have just as much potential for good ideas as you, and they’re a valued part of the process. Dave calls this the “yes reflex”:

Most of us have a “no reflex” to new and creative ideas that seem impossible. But you can change this...the next time someone brings up a new opportunity, make sure the first word that comes out of your mouth is yes....The yes mindset gives outrageous, seemingly impossible ideas a chance to live and breathe and sometimes be implemented in whole or in part.³

The purpose of honing your “yes reflex” is not to give in to every request from our stakeholders or to just let them have their way with the experience we’ve so carefully crafted. Instead, it creates a space where everyone recognizes that we’re all on the same team, accomplishing the same goals, and we can work together toward the best solution. As Dave writes, it gives you more time to figure it out:

Training yourself to have a yes reflex doesn’t commit you to actually implementing the idea. Before “yes” ever commits you to doing something, it actually buys you time to figure out how you are going to make it happen. Often we say yes and then take time to regroup and consider the opportunity’s potential benefits and liabilities. Leading with a yes gives you time to figure out if you can really pull it off... We’re not making the case for having no boundaries; we’re describing how innovation happens. And innovation happens in places where ‘No’ is seldom heard...⁴

Leading with a yes is much easier when you agree with the other person’s suggestion. “Yes, that’s a great idea. I completely agree that this control should be a text link instead of a button.” It’s even easier when the other person can do the work they’re suggesting, like another designer on the team. “Yes, let’s make that happen! Please go ahead and update the documentation to reflect this new design. Good idea!”

However, it’s not always easy to say yes when you disagree. If you understand the problem your stakeholder is trying to solve, but you disagree with the solution they propose, leading with a yes might sound like, “Yes, I completely agree with you that we need to reconsider the placement of this UI control.” We’re not saying that their precise solution is correct and that we will implement it in that way. We’re only agreeing on the problem because it might still be possible that another approach will solve it. Further, it leaves the conversation open-ended so that their idea can live in the room for a while, giving other people the opportunity to contribute to a solution.

Leading with a yes also means finding a way to say no, while actually (verbally) saying yes. For instance, the change they’re suggesting will take more time or money than your team has, and you know it’s not possible even if everyone agrees with the solution. Perhaps there is a trade-off for another feature. In those cases, leading with a yes might sound like this:

Yes, I agree that the interaction for “add to cart” should be updated. With the release next week, we will need to postpone implementing the new search template so that we can get this in. Do you agree?

You know that your stakeholders aren’t going to budge on the new search template, but you can start the conversation about what needs to happen to move things forward. You’ve started off on the right foot and allowed them to participate in the process in a positive way. You’re empowering other people to take part in your project at a level that is necessary for them to see the realities and decisions in your world. Often, people outside our immediate influence simply don’t understand everything that goes into our decisions. Leading with a yes invites them to be part of the decision so that they can help us navigate the process. This often results in them agreeing with our point of view.

Yes, you’re right that our documentation isn’t where it should be, and we need to fix that. If you’d be willing to help me oversee that part of the project and audit the existing docs, I think we can arrange our priorities to make it happen.

It’s a common problem for people to offer ideas without any responsibility. The more ownership you propose, the less likely you are to encounter resistance. It’s too easy for people on the outside to criticize something they have a limited view of. If you give people the chance to be part of the solution, they will either take you up on it or they will decline and retract their suggestion. In either case, you’ve remained positive and helped them to see that their opinions are valuable and appreciated.

Sometimes, leading with a yes alone can get you the trust you need to move forward without even having to discuss it further. Often, our stakeholders just want to know that we value their time and feedback. I was in a meeting with several people, including the president of the company. He was very hands-on and wanted to participate in the details of the new application we were designing, so we had scheduled a regular design review with him to provide input on the project. During one meeting, he began nitpicking one specific UI control—a menu the user could use to sort and filter a list of search results. It was an important part of the experience, but his feedback evolved from a casual question to very specific suggestions about the placement, copy, color, and interaction. Although I was happy to address his concerns, the details of his feedback seemed misplaced to me. Why would an executive care so much about these little details? Rather than get into a discussion about it or offer my own opinion, I said “Yes, I agree with you that we need to reconsider the implementation of this menu.” Abruptly, he stopped, looked directly at me and said, “Great, I know you guys will find the right solution. Let’s move on.”

You see, he didn’t actually want to get into the details of design minutia. In hindsight, he was probably “just talking”; he saw something, had a suggestion, and chose to go down the path of working with us to make it better. He knew that it wasn’t his job to come up with all that stuff. So, what seemed at first to be an unusual or concerning series of suggestions was actually just a casual conversation. My agreement with him that there was a problem to be addressed reminded him that we could be trusted with the solution. He wanted to know that we were listening to him and considering his feedback. After that, he was happy to let us do our jobs. Leading with a yes reinforced this and let us get on with the meeting.

As you develop your yes reflex, remember:

• It reinforces that you’re all on the same team and facilitates collaboration.

• It allows you to be open to new ideas, even if you’re not sure how it will work.

• It keeps the conversation open-ended, giving you time to find the appropriate response.

• It gives you the opportunity to consider ideas in light of limitations and resources.

• It shifts responsibility for new ideas onto others, making them participants in the solution.

• It builds trust and confidence with stakeholders that you value their input.

Be Charming

One challenge that we designers face in receiving feedback is that we simply don’t have a good rapport with nondesigners When we go into a meeting with a stakeholder, we might assume the worst, prepare for a battle, and put up our guard to protect us against an onslaught of negative feedback. We can become defensive, which can be reflected in both our posture and our response. Yet the surest way to get what we want (the best possible user experience) is to go into the meeting with an attitude that will convey our expertise so that our stakeholders will want to trust us with the decisions. We have to be likable, approachable, and project a sense of self that’s appealing to others. In short, we have to learn to be charming.

Charm is something that can be learned and honed for any relationship, but is equally valuable in our interactions with stakeholders. It’s the ability to communicate to other people in a way that appeals to their needs and compels them to agree with us. It’s about presenting ourselves in a light that reflects our best qualities and demonstrates an earnest effort to show an interest in helping the other person. This puts us both on a path toward mutual benefit. If you can do that, you’ve mastered the ability to be charming.

In our relationship with stakeholders, being charming is the best way to assume the attitude we need to respond to them appropriately. A grumpy and defensive remark isn’t going to woo them into agreement. Instead we can smile with confidence, be authentic, not take ourselves too seriously, and orient ourselves toward them.

HAVE CONFIDENCE

The most useful tool you have in being charming is confidence. If you have confidence in yourself and your designs, people will trust you and give you the freedom to decide. When you lack confidence, you convey uncertainty, which leads stakeholders to question your solution. To be certain, having confidence is not about being arrogant, cocky, or asserting that you’re always right. It is allowing the knowledge that your skills are valuable to overflow into your tone, body language, and attitude when you talk about your work. Being confident is being proud of your work while also understanding that you’re not the only smart person in the room.

To build your confidence, consider this: you got this job for a reason. Maybe it was your beautiful portfolio, your impressive resume, or your past work experience. Whatever it was, your stakeholders chose you for this job. That conveys a certain amount of trust, belief in your expertise, and a willingness to let you make decisions. Although you should always have to work to earn their trust, you’re already in a great position to communicate your message with confidence.

The best way to communicate that confidence is to smile. Most people think of smiling as expressing happiness, but smiling expresses a lot of other emotions, as well: agreement, enjoyment, appreciation, connection, and yes, confidence. When we smile, we show that we expect to be in agreement with others, we appreciate their time and attention, and we are confident in our ability to solve difficult problems. People without confidence don’t smile; they look concerned, worried, upset, or distant. If we want to convey confidence, we must smile as much as possible. A. J. Harbinger, who runs a coaching business and podcast called The Art of Charm, suggests practicing in the mirror. Says Harbinger, “Smiling makes you look more confident and approachable. You should practice this in the mirror, especially if you’re not super smiley by nature. Remember that you want to smile with your whole face, not just with your mouth.”⁵ When you’re meeting with stakeholders, make a conscious effort to smile even if it feels a little unnatural. Smiling will show your confidence and build theirs in the process.

What’s interesting is that confidence, in general, has so many benefits and can make a huge impact on your success in life, your salary, your relationships, and, yes, even your ability to communicate to people about your designs. Harbinger adds these points about confidence:⁶

• Confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, children who think of themselves as the smartest in the room get the best grades.⁷

• The same study found confidence had more to do with lifetime earnings than IQ. In short, it’s better to be confident than smart.

• Not only can overconfidence make you successful even when you know you’re bluffing, it might eventually become just regular old confidence.⁸

• Sitting up straight in your chair will increase your overall confidence. This applies to posture overall. What’s more, behaving confidently will make you feel more confident over time.⁹

JUST BE YOURSELF

A challenge for designers in corporate settings is being authentic: learning to be ourselves around stakeholders. No one likes it when they have the feeling that the other person is being fake. We are at our best when we are ourselves. We are relaxed, natural, and able to think more clearly. Too often, designers put on airs in a meeting. They puff themselves up to protect themselves from negative feedback but having that attitude will only backfire. Instead, use your strengths to your advantage and be confident in your ability to communicate.

Additionally, being yourself helps everyone else relax, too. They can relate to you more easily when they see you for who you really are. Harbinger notes that being yourself will help other people be authentic, too, because you’ve shown them “that it’s okay to relax and be genuine” and it makes people feel good to be around you.¹⁰

Part of what makes us so great as individuals is our own unique way of winning people over. Everyone is different, yet everyone has a way with people. What is it that you do to make people smile? How do you get someone’s attention if you need to? How did you win the heart of your spouse or the class election in grade school? Whatever successes you’ve had in the past, now is the time to mine them for meaning and use them to your advantage in projecting a persona that is uniquely you.

Some people are witty or funny. Some are good at hospitality and making people feel welcome. Others are great at listening and following up, giving gifts, paying compliments, or remembering important dates. Whatever your thing is, you have an opportunity to use that unique gift with the people who you want to influence. There is no better way to influence people than to use your natural-born tendencies to appeal to the needs of your audience. The point is this: relax and be yourself. You’ll be better for it, and your stakeholders will appreciate your authenticity. Just the act of being “normal” with other people contributes to your own unique way of being charming.

DON’T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY

One of the biggest killers of any conversation is someone who is so serious about their work, their project, or their task that they’re unable to relax and respond with a posture that makes them seem human. Sometimes, we act like robots: unable to grasp a lighthearted comment or show simple kindness. When we get in this “getting things done” mode, it can be really easy to have tunnel vision and become too focused on what we’re trying to accomplish. That can be fine (and really effective) when we’re heads down in our computers creating awesome stuff, but it’s much less effective with a group of people who we want to agree with us. When you meet with stakeholders, more than any other time during your work, you need to stop taking yourself so seriously. Learn to relax and take everything with a good dose of reality: not everyone thinks as seriously about your work as you do.

Another key element to learning charm is finding ways to specifically convey that we’re okay with critique of our work. Doing this requires that we be ourselves, as we saw in the previous section. It also means that we have to take a step outside of our project and remember that the people we work with are human, as we saw in Chapter 3. Most of all, though, we should be kind, lighthearted, and even funny around the people that we want to agree with us. Put simply, we need to be likable.

Using humor is a great way to be likable and exude charm. Humor disarms uneasy situations, and laughter reduces tension. Breaking the ice with a benign joke or lighthearted comment is a great way to get everyone to relax and focus on the purpose of the meeting. Plus, it reminds everyone that the decisions we’re making are not life or death.

However, there’s a delicate balance of knowing what’s appropriate, what’s actually funny, and what’s completely off-limits. It can be good to poke fun at the elephant in the room, especially if everyone is particularly uptight about it. However, it’s not okay to focus jokes on one specific person, no matter how funny or relevant it might be.

Harbinger says that humor is a great way to be charming, but that the goal is not to make other people laugh. He explains, “Focus instead on making yourself laugh. Be self-amusing and have fun first; then look to share that enjoyment.... By focusing on having a good time yourself, you’ll generate a fun, positive attitude that will infect those around you and make you more charming.”¹¹

It’s not my place to advise you on using humor, but with the right exposure and good inputs you can learn to use humor to make people smile, disarm them, and keep the conversation moving forward in an upbeat way. The goal of using humor is not to have stakeholders in raucous laughter, but to break the ice, help everyone relax, and maintain a good spirit. Humor is a solid way to not take yourself too seriously and to be charming with the people whose support you need in order to be successful.

ORIENT YOURSELF TOWARD OTHERS

The last skill we need to learn to be charming is to have a posture that is oriented toward other people. When we align ourselves with the needs of others, we create a connection that can overcome any obstacles to our communication. Harbinger says this is about making someone feel as if they are the most important person in the world.¹²

The opposite, of course, is being egotistical—focused only on ourselves. Just as we are checking our ego at the door, we are also turning our minds to our stakeholders and thinking critically about what they need to hear to agree with us. It’s not a selfish attempt to pander to them to get what we want, but an honest look at how we can talk to them in a way that will make them (and us) successful. When we put on an attitude that orients our response toward the needs of our stakeholders, we are addressing their concerns in a way that (combined with all of these other approaches) turns on the charm and presents our response in the best possible light.

When I do something to hurt my wife’s feelings, I know it can take time for her to forgive me and to move on. However, I can accelerate that process by being charming. I have confidence that she will forgive me, so I can approach her with a smile and an assumption that reconciliation is possible. I can be myself by being honest about my intentions and provide my perspective. I also don’t need to take myself so seriously, so I will always break the tension with a joke or witty reference to my own stupidity. All the while, my response is oriented toward her needs: what does she need from me to reconcile? If I do that, we are usually able to move on pretty quickly and focus on the most important things together.

My six-year-old son is remarkably good at being charming for his age. His younger sister loves to play with him so much that she never wants to stop. He’s learned that if he just stops playing and walks away, she’ll burst into a fit of tears. Rather than endure that over and over again, he’s found ways to redirect, distract, or entice her with other things that meet her needs. After they’ve played the same game a dozen times, he doesn’t outright say he’s tired of playing with her. Instead, he proposes something more transitional that meets her needs of having more play time. I’ve overheard him say things like, “Hey, this is a really fun game but I have to go to the bathroom. Let’s take a break for a few minutes and then we can play again later. Like after lunch!” Usually, she has moved on and is occupied with something else after he’s returned from the bathroom. He is applying charm through an orientation toward her needs.

Using charm in our response to stakeholders is not really all that different from a marital spat or two children playing together. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, we are all only more experienced children. We have to approach our stakeholders with the same care that we would our loved ones. Getting into the right frame of mind requires that we use charm to our advantage and are conscious of how to apply it to our conversations. Learning charm is critical in our approach to stakeholders. It helps us exert a positive influence and ensures that they are working with us to create the best user experience.

Change Your Vocabulary

As you make the transition to a mindset that is positively focused on yielding a great response to stakeholders, it’s important to commit some things to memory about what you should and shouldn’t say in the process. Before you respond, you need to change your vocabulary.

“YOU’RE WRONG”

Don’t say “you’re wrong”—no one likes to be told they’re wrong (even if they are), and you’ll only make them defensive. Remember, your goal is to stay positive and always lead with a yes. Even directly telling them you disagree can be a flash point for the conversation. If you need to disagree, find ways to communicate that disagreement as an alternate idea or a different perspective. Even though there might be times to put your foot down and explicitly stand up for something you believe in strongly, it’s almost always better to project yourself as being in alignment with the stakeholders as much as possible. Finding those opportunities for outright disagreement are difficult and probably not worth the risk.

“FROM A DESIGN PERSPECTIVE...”

Don’t start any sentence with “From a design perspective...” because that’s usually just another way of saying “from my perspective.” Remember, we don’t care about your perspective; we care about the user’s perspective. Plus, this sounds like you’re trying to one-up them with your expertise in design. Although your expertise and perspective is indeed valuable, it’s not usually necessary to point it out. Our stakeholders understand that what we say is our perspective. Sometimes we use this phrase to mean “the reason we did it this way...” If that’s the case, say that. You do not want to create a separation between your expertise and that of the stakeholders. We’re all on the same team. “From a design perspective...” doesn’t reinforce that, so strike it from your vocabulary.

“LIKE” AND “DON’T LIKE”

Don’t talk about what you like or don’t like; instead, focus on what works and what doesn’t work. Remember, our interest is in the usability and effectiveness of the application, not our own personal preferences. In fact, remove the word “like” from your vocabulary altogether. If you catch yourself saying it or asking other people what they like, stop and correct yourself. It will be worth emphasizing that you shouldn’t have used “like” at all.

This is more difficult if you’re discussing the visual design of an application, rather than specific flows or general usability. Visual design matters less to the utility of an application, but it conjures a lot of opinions about what looks good and what doesn’t. A lot of people are visual, and the specific look and feel of those UI elements will be front and center. If the express purpose of the meeting is to review the visual design, you still need to find ways to communicate why you think the visuals work or don’t work rather than why you like or don’t like them. For instance, because specific colors and styles contribute to the user experience, you can keep your comments focused on how the visuals affect branding, perception, or emotion. Hopefully, the visual design of the UI is defined by branding guidelines, a documented design language, other existing applications, or a style guide. Even if that’s not the case, keep in mind that our purpose is to ensure that the experience is consistent, thoughtful, and delightful. A rightful focus on avoiding the word “like” will help us be effective in our response.

TOO MUCH JARGON

Finally, avoid using industry-specific jargon as much as possible. Instead, find words that the average person can understand so that we’re all on the same page. It is easy in our UX designer bubble to become accustomed to referring to specific processes (Agile, scrum, sprints), tools (Git, Bootstrap, Axure), or elements (accordion, CTA, modal). Many stakeholders don’t share in our design-web-app culture of vocabulary, so before we respond, we should take the time to filter our response for words that might be unclear. Instead, use the knowledge you have from listening to them and adopt the words that you heard them use, as we saw in Chapter 5. This is your opportunity to repeat and rephrase what they said in an effort to both communicate clearly as well as teach them to talk about design, too, but you can’t start off by using words that are unfamiliar. Always be cognizant of the vocabulary you use and make sure it’s something your stakeholders will understand.

Make a Transition

Now that you’re in the right frame of mind, you need to provide a transition to your response that will set you up for success. This transition will set the stage for everything you’re about to say and help determine exactly how your stakeholders listen to you. You have the opportunity to get their attention and let them know what to expect. It’s critical to ensuring that your stakeholders listen to and accept your response in the best possible light. This is the response before the response.

However you decide to structure the actual response, remember to keep this transition brief. The point is to provide a transition only, not a long introduction. I recommend a simple approach called “Thank, Repeat, Prepare.” Each of these three elements should be part of one quick statement.

THANK

The first thing you should always do is thank your stakeholders for the feedback they just provided. It’s the most polite way to get from what they said to what you want to say and it recognizes that their time is both valuable and appreciated. We always want our stakeholders to know how much we appreciate their time and attention. They’re the reason we’re so fortunate to have this incredible job! As briefly as you can, form a word of thanks as you begin this transition.

REPEAT

Next, briefly summarize what the stakeholders just said if you haven’t already. I don’t mean that you should go over each point line by line from your notes. Instead, make a statement that describes what they’ve just done for you in a way that is flattering and complimentary. This will naturally build off of the “thanks” that you’ve already led with and remind them that you were listening.

PREPARE

Lastly, tell your stakeholders that you’re about to respond to their feedback. Perhaps it seems obvious (and it is), but the transition is meant to provide a segue for everyone. However unnecessary it might seem, setting the stage in this way will create the right kind of vibe and prepare them to listen to and absorb what you’re about to say.

It’s not enough to just tell stakeholders that you’re going to respond. You need to give them some insight about the content of your response; you’re foreshadowing what’s to come. You should tell them not only that you’re going to respond, but how and what you plan to say. This is an opportunity to let the cat out of the bag, to clue them in as to what your feedback will be to ensure that there are no surprises. You’re trying to avoid beating around the bush by being direct and getting straight to the point.

Here are some examples:

• “Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us about this project. Your insights are really valuable, and I appreciate you going through all that with us. I’m going to go back through all of your points so that we can discuss them, but I want you to know that some of the things we decided on have an explanation that I think you’ll agree with once we start talking about it.”

• “Thank you for sharing your feedback. I appreciate the opportunity to go through all of this with you because it’s important for us to be on the same page. I’d like to go back over everything you said because there are some important points where you need to be aware of our decisions in more detail and it will help you to see where we’re coming from.”

These are somewhat general and can be used in about any situation, but you can see how they all create an air of respect, reinforce the team mentality, and let the stakeholder be prepped for what’s going to come next. In both cases, I’ve told the stakeholder that our ideas have an explanation worth considering. Maybe it seems like communications mumbo-jumbo, but the practice of telling someone what they should or are likely to think is actually very effective. Interestingly, people will often believe what you tell them, so tell them that they will agree with you! Even if they don’t, you’ve at least set the stage in a positive way.

Here are some other examples that might deal with more specific feedback:

• “Thanks for pointing out the differences between the existing app and our new designs. You’re right that there are some important things we should consider, and I want you to know we put a lot of thought into how we designed it, so I’d like to explain to you why we did what we did with the grid views.”

• “Thanks for being up-front that you’re concerned about our implementation of the cart and checkout flow. I’m going to address each of your points because we had some very specific reasons for doing it this way that I want you to be aware of. I think you’ll agree that this is going to increase conversion once you understand our thought process.”

• “Thanks for your viewpoint on the home page. You’ve definitely given a lot of great feedback and I’d like to go through it all, if that’s okay. Our thinking about the layout had more to do with our long-term vision and some other initiatives that we expect to see down the road, so it’s important for you to know why we approached it in this way.”

The point is this: it’s not enough to just launch right into a defense of your work. You must take the time to get in the right frame of mind, stay positive, and make a graceful transition to what’s next.

All this prep work will pay off. It might seem like there’s a lot to consider, remember, and do to just have a simple conversation with a stakeholder about design, but the process moves very quickly in real life. Our job is to adopt these practices and make them habitual so that we can transparently navigate the conversation with this approach. We need to focus on letting go of control and separating ourselves from our ego to get into the right frame of mind. With that done, we learn to always lead with a yes and use charm, humor, and our own personality in a way that will make people want to agree with us. This step includes avoiding certain phrases, like “You’re wrong,” while using language that focuses on what works and what doesn’t work. Finally, we can set up our response to stakeholders by crafting a short transition that thanks them, summarizes what they’ve said, and prepares them for what we’re about to say.

In summary, to get into the right frame of mind, you need to:

• Give up control of the outcome so that we can allow other people to provide feedback on the project

• Check your ego at the door so that we can be open to other people’s ideas

• Lead with a yes so that we create an atmosphere of agreement and cooperation

• Learn to apply charm so that we can win people over with our own unique personality

• Change our vocabulary so that we avoid tainting our response with potential miscommunications

• Form a transitional phrase so that we can set the stage for what we’re about to say

At last, we can now jump into our own response and find the best ways of helping our stakeholders to see our perspective and win them over. The best part is that there are already some tried-and-true ways to get what we want. The next step is to respond.

Further Reading

A. J. Harbinger from the Art of Charm website (http://theartofcharm.com) provides great resources for learning how to be charming. I recommend these additional articles from the Art of Charm on learning to be more charming in any relationship:

• M., Brian. “Anybody Can Have Charm.” http://bit.ly/1L5TfXb

• Harbinger, AJ. “Why Confidence Is More Important Than Looks.” http://bit.ly/1EndNme

• M., Brian. “What a Good Smile Can Do for You.” http://bit.ly/1L5TcdL

• Harbinger, AJ. “Confidence: Fake It ’Til You Make It.” http://bit.ly/1L5TaTi

• M., Brian. “Developing Charisma Is Possible.” http://bit.ly/1L5T8eg

• Harbinger, AJ. “It’s Not Always What You Say, but How You Say It.” http://bit.ly/1L5T4v1

• Harbinger, AJ. “How to Improve Your Speech.” http://bit.ly/1L5T26i

• M., Brian. “The Importance of Confident Body Language.” http://bit.ly/1L5T1iS

• M., Brian. “Speaking with Confidence in Work and in Life.” http://bit.ly/1L5SZaw