1. Adjust Your Perceptions

Perception is the way that we look at our problems. It is how we understand and interpret the events that happen in our lives. Our perceptions determine our attitude and our approach to solving our problems. Our perceptions can be positive and provide us with joy and happiness or our perceptions can be negative and depressing. It's important to understand that our perceptions are completely within our control. We can choose to see events as positive or negative, which in turn determine our emotions, behaviors, and reactions to those events. It is a shocking concept, but when we learn to put a positive spin on our perceptions of life's events, we take the first step to overcoming hardships and obstacles.

I was sitting in a meeting with a leadership group of a mid-sized organization. The company was growing and numbers were good but there had been some quality issues surrounding one of the products. As the issues were discussed, things got heated and the president of the division lashed out at two of the vice presidents—criticizing decisions they had made. It was a tough meeting and after it was over, I went to check on the two vice presidents. One of the vice presidents was extremely distraught. He felt he had been treated unfairly and had been accused of making decisions that were not his alone to make. He was visibly angry and protested about how he had been treated. As I approached the second vice president, I noticed him on his computer. When I asked how he was doing, he responded that he was “fine.” He could tell I looked shocked by his response. He continued, “He isn't mad at me. He is mad at the situation. Things will blow over and we'll deal with the problem. This isn't the end of the world. The president wants to be successful and it was upsetting to him when things didn't go as planned.” That was a great lesson for me. The second vice president's perception gave him a very different outlook on the experience. His positive perception gave him the power to choose a better reaction. I was in awe of how he handled the situation.

Most of us give in to our initial human reactions and emotions when things go wrong. By learning how to control our perceptions of events and people, we can automatically control our actions and behaviors.

2. Control Your Emotions

As we progress into adulthood, our brains continue to grow and change. The executive function of our brain, which is found in the pre-frontal cortex, helps us make good decisions: decisions that can necessarily override our emotions. When something goes wrong or someone treats us badly, we have an automatic emotional reaction to the situation. We want to strike back in anger or we feel hurt and want to scream or cry. In most of these situations, the best action is to control our emotions (because we will never get rid of them) and to control the negative behaviors that often result from these emotions. Choose to remain calm and collected. That's easy to say while you sit in your comfortable chair reading this book but very difficult to do in the moment. Like riding a bike, learning a new language, or mastering cooking, it is a learned skill. With practice, you can master the art of controlling your emotions. Even though it would be easier to let our emotions rule the roost, incredible outcomes can occur when you elevate yourself and choose to listen to your brain and not just your emotions.

3. Focus on What You Can Control

When life or your career takes a difficult turn, that is the time to focus on what you can control versus what you cannot control. Wisdom lies in understanding the difference between the two. Whenever things are going wrong, take a seat and write a list of the controllables and the uncontrollables. Next, cross off the uncontrollables. Let them go and don't give them the time of day. Look instead at what you can control and begin to make decisions about what you are going to do for each of those areas to improve them even more.

4. Don't Compare

This is one of the most deadly habits. When things go wrong in life, one of the first things we do as humans is to compare ourselves to others.

“I work much harder than Danny, and he's the one who gets the promotion!”

“Why don't I get the good job?”

“Why can't I live in that type of neighborhood, or drive that type of car? I'm tired of not being able to afford things like the Joneses.”

The cancer of comparison causes you to look at the best in everyone else and compare it to your worst. I consider this self-torture because you will never come out ahead. When you compare, you can't see reality. In the midst of life's difficulties, choose to see yourself as one who is continually striving to improve rather than comparing yourself to others. Happiness and fulfillment come as you work on being the best “you,” not in trying to be better than another person. Years ago, when I struggled with comparing myself to others, a good friend told me “Do you, Chris. Just focus on doing you, not anyone else.” (Which translated means: “Be you. Just focus on being you.”) That is when you will be successful and do great things.

5. Don't Allow Self-Pity

When times are especially tough and we feel misunderstood, abandoned, and unable to deal with the situation at hand, we fall into the trap of self-pity. One man said, “Hell is being frozen in self-pity.” In those moments, it is easy to indulge in feeling sorry for ourselves. It feels so good to wrap ourselves in a blanket of “I have been wronged.” One of my daughters had been crying for what seemed to be a long time. When I asked her why she was crying, she responded, “Because it feels really good.” Yes, for a moment, self-pity may feel good but like quicksand, self-pity will draw you in until it is too late to get out and proactively deal with your situation.

I learned one of the best ways to deal with this emotion. While watching a talk show, the host interviewed a guest who had been severely burned over 90 percent of her body. Once a very attractive woman, she was now a shell of her former self. Despite nearly 30 surgeries, her skin still carried the effects of the burns. When asked how she coped, the woman gave a remarkable answer on how she keeps going day after day. The young woman responded, “I let myself cry and feel sorry for myself for 15 minutes every day. Then I get on with my life until tomorrow comes and I can feel sorry for myself for another 15 minutes.” That's absolutely brilliant!

6. Choose to Act and Not Be Acted Upon

Deciding to take action instead of being paralyzed by adversity and trials is the true mark of courage and greatness. Here's an important lesson from ancient Greece. Several hundred Spartans were holding the narrow pass at Thermopylae against the Persians who had set out to conquer all of Greece. The Persians came by the thousands to attack. They urged the Spartans to surrender. Then hoping to intimidate them further, the Persians sent emissaries to the Spartans, saying they had so many archers in their army they could darken the sky with their arrows. Against overwhelming odds, the Spartans responded, “So much the better. We shall fight in the shade.” That incredible display of courage was a great example of choosing action rather than shrinking or surrendering when everything goes wrong. I doubt all of the Spartans were excited to “fight in the shade,” but they acted like they were. And that is what you need to do. In times of difficulty, stand up and act like you want, instead of doing what you feel. This is an amazing concept that will change your life if you follow it. Let me say it one more time: stand up and act like you want instead of doing what you feel.

7. Have Grace Under Pressure

Recently, a neighbor of mine lost his 20-year-old daughter in a devastating accident. She had recently returned from spending 18 months in another country and had been home for only a couple of months. Her death was a shock to everyone who knew her. She was a happy, accomplished, and kind individual. She had been in our home only weeks before babysitting our children for a few days while my wife and I were on vacation. It was heartbreaking. When we went to visit my friend and his wife to offer our support and condolences, they greeted us warmly in their home with love and cheerfulness. I told my wife as we left that I was sure they were still suffering from shock—surely no one could be in that peaceful a state after losing their daughter. But as I watched them over the next few weeks, they continued to exude grace even in their tragic circumstance. I am sure in their quiet moments alone they broke down, wondering how they could continue on without their daughter and wondering if the heartache would ever go away. But when others were around, they chose to celebrate the life she had lived instead of remembering her in sadness and grief.

I have thought deeply about this and wondered how I would handle such a tragedy in my own life. Based on their example, I have come to believe that grace under pressure is necessary not only for our own benefit but also because others are watching us to see an example of how to cope with their own struggles. “Every time we navigate safely through [our hardships], there are other ships that are lost which can find their way because of our steady light of handling obstacles and hardships with grace and peace.” (Thank you, Neal A. Maxwell.)

Can you imagine what type of person you would be if you were able to master all seven of these characteristics and traits! Highlight the ones that strike a chord with you and learn to master them. These life tools are ready for you to use when needed to help you get through some of life's tougher moments. I hope this chapter helps. I know it will because these principles have worked for me.