Chapter 15
In This Chapter
Communicating at multiple levels of awareness
Understanding how people make decisions
Influencing decisions by changing your communication
Humans are the chatty, social species. We are masters of communication, and even during our brief moments of silence, we speak volumes. Over generations, we have developed the ability to communicate across the boundaries of gender, age, race and culture, enabling us to create alliances for the greater good as well as evil.
In this chapter, we focus on the underlying patterns of communication. You discover how to inform, engage and influence ethically, as well as be better able to recognise when someone else is attempting to influence you.
Underlying communications are common patterns, concepts and principles that influence social behaviour. Understanding and being able to use these concepts and principles in your coaching enable you and your clients to become better communicators and masters of persuasion and influence in multiple business contexts. Effective communication is increasingly recognised as a key determinant of business success.
This recognition has resulted in a proliferation of training and coaching programmes, all of which a coach can specialise in: copy writing, media presentations, presenting to audiences, sales, customer service, negotiation and arbitration. These specialisations all influence human behaviour, and what is common to all these programmes is:
These concepts of communication are used in many business contexts, such as the following:
Here are two concepts about how the mind processes communication received by the listener (or receiver), which ultimately affects and influences behaviour:
Communication is verbal and nonverbal. The mind processes millions of bits of data per second, way beyond the conscious ability to process all the incoming information; yet it’s all being processed at some unconscious level. Everything you see, hear, feel, smell and taste is being processed, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it. Whether you or your clients like it or not, the external is influencing how you perceive, think, feel and act.
Research shows that while processing verbal communications, we are aware of and influenced 7 per cent by the spoken word (what’s said), 38 per cent by voice and tonality (how those words are said) and 55 per cent by body language (what’s not said). Nonverbal communication, which includes the 55 per cent body language, also includes other forms such as visual aids (graphs, charts and models) as well as information conveyed through the senses of touch, taste and smell.
You cannot not process the communication. As soon as the verbal or nonverbal communication is made, the listener processes it regardless of whether he is consciously aware of it. The package of information has been delivered. (See the sidebar “Every communication counts” for an example of this concept.)
For example, think of a situation where you have said to a client ‘Just imagine how successful this venture will be’. In order to make sense of the sentence, clients have to first make a picture in their minds of how they imagine a successful venture would look. (In Chapter 10, we explore how visual mind pictures affect behaviours.) You influence your clients by everything you say and do, whether they (or you) are consciously aware of the degree of influence or not. With your communication, you’re getting them to create pictures in their minds and are therefore influencing their behaviours. They’re also doing the same with their customers, suppliers and colleagues with every communication in all formats and media.
Understanding the power of these two concepts – whereby communication both verbal and nonverbal is processed unconsciously and that the communication goes in regardless of whether the receiver is aware of it or not – opens up a whole toolbox of communication tools and concepts available to you and your clients.
Imagine an open fridge door and inside is celery and cheesecake. Which do you choose? Behind the decision to choose the obvious answer, which is undoubtedly cheesecake, is a lot of internal processing of information.
What people say yes to and what they also say no to (two sides of the same coin) is influenced by a number of key questions the mind asks itself:
The mind processes the above variables and presents the answer. The processing happens in fractions of a second, and the answer is given in the form of mind pictures. In the above scenario, if the answer is celery (as unlikely as that may be), the mind picture of celery and what it means to the individual will seem more appealing compared to the way cheesecake is represented. In Chapter 10, we discuss ‘submodalities’, which are the qualities and details of the visual images we all make in our heads. Two aspects to submodalities are critical to understanding how they influence what people say yes to. These aspects are:
These two unconscious decision-making processes are exploited in negotiation, advertising and selling, although most people in these professions have no awareness that what they do and say influences and changes the submodalities in people’s minds. For example:
Have you ever been communicating with people and had the sense that you were talking to yourself and they weren’t hearing the communication? Anyone with teenage children will be familiar with this notion. If you or your clients are the communicators and you want the listener (receiver) to be engaged, informed and influenced, start by taking total responsibility for doing all the work. Don’t expect listeners to adjust what they’re doing; they have no need to. The person with the need gets to do the work.
If someone is unwilling to listen or receive the communication, then you need to adjust what you’re doing and do something else to engage him (for more on this, see the ‘If You Aren’t Getting the Desired Results, Change Your Communication’ section at the end of the chapter). In Chapter 5, we cover the concept of ‘identifying the enemies of learning’ and how important it is to get attention and engage the client. This concept applies to all forms of communication where the intention is to influence.
The political landscape of every business you coach is totally unique and idiosyncratic and changes over time. No two businesses are alike. When preparing any communications with the intentions to engage, inform and influence, remember that communication is more than simply one person talking and another listening. Instead, the communication happens within the context of the political landscape of the listener. The listener is operating in a complex world that affects how he perceives the communication, what it means to him and ultimately the actions he takes.
The elegant and effective communicator takes the landscape into consideration before crafting his communications. In Chapter 9, we introduce the Information Grid, a diagnostic tool that can be used to transform great visions into workable plans. Parts of the Information Grid can also be used to bring order into the complex political landscape within which communication happens.
Then use parts of the Information Grid (listed as follows) to consider the wider context within which the listener operates and ask this question for each grid square: ‘What may affect the listener and prevent him from agreeing or saying yes?’ Could it be:
When looking to influence and persuade, always keep the end goal in mind and consider what could be an obstacle or resistance to reaching it.
The word manipulation is an emotionally charged one, especially in the context of influencing and persuasion. For many, it implies being underhand. The word manipulation means ‘to use or change (numbers, information and so on) in a skilful way or for a particular purpose’. If we add ‘or to move in a particular direction’ to this definition, it becomes clear that without moving customers, colleagues or suppliers in the direction of saying yes, no business would ever happen. The intention behind the manipulation is what’s important.
Like any tools, persuasion and influence can be used for good as well as harm. Many of the principles and concepts in this chapter have been misused by many people and even been used for evil. They have been used for speed seduction, unethical selling, politics, warmongering and radicalisation, but that does not make the tools themselves evil. It is an unfortunate fact of life that there are clients who see these tools as ways to persuade people to make decisions that are not in the receiver’s best interests.
Think of engaging, informing and influencing as an elegant interaction, like a dance between the communicator and the receiver. The communicator is the one leading the dance, manipulating and taking the receiver gently in a desired direction. The communicator pays attention to how the receiver reacts to his lead, and if the receiver starts to go off-track, the communicator gently guides him around by changing his communication so he follows. This process is known as pacing and leading.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
–Accredited to both Alan Greenspan and Robert McCloskey
The following tools all manipulate. When used in a win-win scenario, it would be irresponsible for clients not to use them to get people to say yes.
Sit facing your client and ask him to talk to you about a hobby or activity that he loves and to keep going for three minutes.
This conversation should be one-way with only him speaking.
After one minute, start to fidget and be distracted: yawn, pick dust off your trousers, clean under your fingernails or glance at a mobile phone.
At all times, while feigning distraction, pay attention to what he is saying so you can replay it back to him at the end of the exercise.
One of two things will happen. He may talk to you more intently in an attempt to get your attention, but this happens rarely. The normal response is that he stops talking because you aren’t paying attention.
Instruct him to keep talking and remind him that you’re listening.
He will reluctantly continue.
Debrief him about his experience.
Common feedback is ‘While you weren’t listening, I felt uncomfortable’, ‘I was unable to talk’ or ‘I was annoyed’. Then relate to him all that was said while you were seemingly paying no attention; he will be shocked that you were listening.
This exercise teaches people two valuable influencing lessons. First, they find out about the power of paying full attention when someone is communicating – if people feel someone isn’t listening, they tend to switch off. Secondly, they discover how easy it can be to misinterpret whether someone is paying attention.
Don’t make assumptions about whether someone has heard the meaning of your communication; test his understanding.
Test by asking questions and, if appropriate, get them to repeat back to you what’s been said. This testing is invaluable during meetings when quite often people have been given instructions but haven’t really heard what was said or have interpreted it differently to the way it was meant.
These two skills are essential, especially for negotiators, sales and customer service people, to master.
Imagine that you’re a property agent, and have the client describe to you an ideal house.
Instruct him to describe the size, location, rooms and features of the property.
When he has described his ideal property, read back the list three times, and each time enquire into how the information is received. How does it sound and feel? Are you describing the ideal property?
For example, he says, ‘I want a detached house; it must be in the country; it should have four bedrooms with two en-suite bathrooms. It has to be within a ten-minute drive of a train station, and I would like it to have an open-plan kitchen, and it must have a large garden, preferably with a patio for sitting out of an evening’.
First, change the sequence around and test his reaction to the description.
‘So it has to be within a ten-minute drive of a train station; it must be in the country; it should have four bedrooms; it must have a large garden, preferably with a patio for sitting out of an evening; you would like it to have an open-plan kitchen; and you want a detached house with two en-suite bathrooms. Is that correct?’
Second, repeat the original sequence, change the modal operators and test his reaction to the description.
‘So you would like a detached house; it could be in the country; it might have four bedrooms with two en-suite bathrooms; and you wish it was within a ten-minute drive of a train station; and it needs to have an open-plan kitchen; and you would like it to have a large garden, which might have a patio for sitting out of an evening. Is that correct?’
Third, repeat the original sequence and use the modal operators as he presented them and test his reaction to the description.
‘So you want a detached house; it must be in the country; it should have four bedrooms with two en-suite bathrooms. It has to be within a ten-minute drive of a train station, and you would like it to have an open-plan kitchen, and it must have a large garden, preferably with a patio for sitting out of an evening’.
With the first two descriptions, he will struggle to recognise the ideal property and may even adamantly reject what you have said because simply put, it’s not what he asked for. You weren’t listening. By changing the sequence and the modal operators, you’re giving a clear message that ‘I have heard what you have said, but I’m not really listening and will now change it’. This description is the verbal equivalent of flicking dust off your trousers during a conversation. With the third description, you will see him visibly relax as he recognises your description to be the ideal property he described.
Communicating to engage, inform and influence is easier when a rapport is evident between the communicator and receiver. Rapport is when you have ‘trust and harmony in a relationship’. Think of rapport as part of the dance – where the communicator who has the need to influence extends his hand as an invitation to dance. If the receiver feels comfortable, he extends his and gives the communicator permission to lead the dance. The communicator gains rapport in order to lead the receiver in a purposeful direction to the point of agreeing or saying yes.
Influencing is a four-step process, beginning with rapport:
Here are a number of ways whereby humans naturally experience and demonstrate rapport between individuals and groups, at the levels of:
We all communicate using a combination of language that represents the five senses – visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory (smell) and gustatory (taste), or VAKOG. These are known as the representation systems. The sensory words that people use in communication to represent their experience are called predicates.
Most people have a preferred representation system, one they use more often and are comfortable with. If a person whose preferred representation system is visual and tends to communicate using predominantly visual predicates talks with someone whose preferred representation system is auditory, at times they may as well be talking different languages because they are out of rapport. For example:
Table 15-1 Commonly Used Sensory Words
Visual |
Auditory |
Kinaesthetic |
Olfactory |
Gustatory |
Analyse Appear Clarity Examine Focus Foresee Illustrate Look Notice Observe Perception Scope Show Survey View Vision Watch |
Announce Articulate Converse Discuss Enunciate Hear Listen Mention Noise Proclaim Pronounce Remark Say State Tell Utter Voice |
Active Charge Concrete Emotional Feel Firm grasp Grip Hold Intuition Motion Pressure Sensitive Shift Stir Support Touch |
Aroma Bouquet Essence Fragrance Musty Odour Pungent Rotten Smells Stench Stinks Sweet |
Bitter Bland Delicious Flat Salty Sharp Sour Sweet Tangy Tasty Zesty |
Mastering rapport skills takes practice. The following sections offer four exercises for you and your clients to practise in the great laboratory of normal life.
These skills take practice but are powerful for creating rapport where there may be none. You will begin to see examples of people naturally in rapport whether linguistically or with their physiology all around you.
After five minutes, simply count up the predicate scores for each sense.
The sense he has used most in his language is his preferred representation system.
If possible, have two or more people doing the tally so you can compare the totals. Generally, the two people will agree with perhaps a few discrepancies. To improve your ability to identify someone’s preferred representation system so it becomes second nature, watch and listen to TV and keep a tally.
Work with someone who you have already identified has a predominant representation system.
If, for example, he was predominantly visual, talk to him for two minutes about a subject you like using predominantly visual predicates.
Debrief your partner about his experience.
Which of the two conversations did he prefer? Although the subject matter was the same, the partner almost certainly preferred the first version as you have been talking his language.
Notice his rate of breathing.
This is best done by watching for the rise and fall of the shoulders.
Do this breathing for a few minutes so breathing is synchronised and then slowly speed up or slow down your rate of breathing.
The unsuspecting partner will follow your lead. Although he will be unconscious of this phenomena, he is in rapport with you.
Match breathing for a few more minutes, then make a gesture and wait for him to follow your gesture.
With practice, you can have people following your lead.
Have you ever met someone who said he would do something but didn’t follow through with his actions? This sorry state of affairs is not uncommon in business, especially after meetings when instructions have been given or agreements made but people still don’t do their part. In this section, we explore how modal operators give clues as to why this inactivity sets in and how you can coach your clients to listen carefully to others’ communication and change their language in order to influence people to deliver on promises made.
Modal operators can be thought of as ‘moody operators’. They juice up the motivational desire to take action by changing the submodalities of the mind pictures. Thoughts precede actions, and when people can literally see themselves taking the action in the movie in their mind and see the movie run to the end with a successful outcome, they will engage in the activity.
Play the sentences below, one at a time, inside your head using your own internal voice.
Say each sentence, stop and notice the feelings you get.
As you go through the exercise, compare the feelings from one sentence to another.
On a motivational scale of 0 to 10 where 0 is no motivation to take action and 10 is totally motivated, note the motivation for each sentence.
Start by making an assumption that, regardless of the reality and circumstances of your life, it is within your power to take Monday off work and say to yourself:
Notice that simply by changing one word in the sentence, you experience a different degree of motivation. Generally, for most people, as they progress down the list, they feel more motivated.
Now, do the same exercise again but this time pay attention to the mind pictures that you make as you say the sentences, becoming aware of which submodalities change.
Generally, the sentences at the top of the list are described as unclear or ‘wishy-washy’; people experience low levels of motivation’ and the activity is not likely to happen. As people progress down the list, the images become clearer and more active, and more motivation is present to take the desired action.
Try one further sentence and notice what happens. If we were to say to you, ‘You should take Monday off’, what happens to the picture? For most people, when someone else tells them what they should do, the mind picture disappears. Tell people what they should do and you’re literally erasing the very thoughts from their mind. No thought = no action.
With this knowledge about how language changes the motivation and desire to take action, consider these sentences and whether the person saying them is likely to deliver or get others to deliver on their promise. Against each sentence is a reworked sentence using language designed to influence the listener and get the desired results.
Native English speakers are renowned for their unwillingness to learn a second language. Do you know the joke about the Englishman who goes to Spain for a holiday? He goes into a restaurant and asks the waiter for ‘a cup of tea and a full English breakfast’. The waiter doesn’t understand what he means, so the Englishman helps him out with his extensive language skills by saying the same words only louder and slower.
Do you know the saying, ‘The meaning of the communication is the response you get’? The more variety clients have in the way they communicate their ideas, the more success they have in achieving their desired results. Simply repeating the same message louder and slower just isn’t enough.
Social psychology experiments confirm that our decisions and behaviours are influenced by many things beyond our conscious awareness. In Robert Cialdini’s book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Harper Business), he identified six principles as influencing decisions unconsciously, all of which were tested and validated through social experiments.
Coaching clients to use these principles gives them a wide variety of ways to influence. Against each principle, we have given examples of how to use it effectively in business. The principles are:
These principles are well-known and used in business, especially in online marketing and selling where the Internet and emails provide cost-effective platforms to offer incentives and multiple communications including all or some of the six principles.
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