Self-Observations
All change begins with self-observation. People confuse self-observation with self-judgment. Judgment includes a critical element that is absent from self-observation.
Many people feel as if they are quite good at self-observation because they have an internal voice that is continually jabbering at them: “Oh that was stupid,” “You can do better than that,” “I don’t like this,” and so on. To self-observe means to not become attached to or to identify with any content of our experience, but to watch alertly, openly, passively. Many Americans hate the word passively—especially authors and advocates of self-help. Not acting allows self-observation to occur. We are already taking enough actions, be they physical or mental. The point in being passive is to have some power in intervening in the mechanicalness of thought, action, and speech.
The general instruction for self-observation is to divide yourself into two people, one who acts in life and one who watches. Maybe this sounds simple to you, but you’ll find in practice that it is quite difficult. At first, almost everyone forgets to self-observe. That’s why it makes sense to leave reminders around, maybe notes on your mirror or computer screen to keep bringing you back to your self-observation. Below, you’ll find examples of self-observation exercises that clients have done over the years. They are divided into three main categories: business, relationship, and personal. It’s not that I don’t think these domains influence each other; it’s more that by dividing a person’s life into three categories, it is easier to observe. I recommend that you use self-observation in almost all of your coaching efforts. It will provide powerful insights for your client, give you more information from which to conduct your coaching, and will keep showing you the importance of the coaching program.
Examples given are meant to illustrate a form you can use and to trigger your own creativity. If you find a client for whom the questions seem to apply, feel free to use them. The objective listed at the top of each exercise is an explanation for the reader. The client’s exercise would omit this and begin with the instructions.
Self-Observation Sample 1: Business
Objective
To become more aware of the present status of my life.
Daily Journal Questions
Please take 15–20 minutes each day and address the following questions.
- In what ways is my life balanced (or not) today?
- How did I take care of myself today?
- How did I take care of my spouse today?
- What is my attention on today?
- What are my current breakdowns? What action will I take to resolve them?
Weekly Journal Questions
Please take 15–20 minutes each week and address the following questions.
- What did I learn about myself this week?
- What did I accomplish this week?
- What part of my life did I ignore/avoid this week?
- At what did I become more competent this week?
- What part of my accountability did I give away this week? What did I learn by doing this?
Self-Observation Sample 2: Business
Objective
To become more aware of how I feel during the workday, and what I accomplish on a daily basis.
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What energized me most at work today?
- What discouraged me most at work today?
- In what ways did #1 and #2 above affect how I spent my time? What did I accomplish?
- What patterns do I see emerging from what I am observing in this exercise? What action will I take about what I have observed?
Self-Observation Sample 3: Business
Objective
To become more aware of how I feel during the workday.
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What did I feel uncomfortable about doing? About saying? Why?
- What emotions or feelings were most present for me?
- When did I experience fear?
- What thoughts did I have while I was feeling fear?
- What action will I take from what I observed?
Self-Observation Sample 4: Business
Objective
To become more aware of what I am and am not accomplishing during my workday, why I may not be accomplishing, and how I justify breakdowns.
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What specific, observable outcomes did I produce?
- What excuses, stories, or justifications do I have for not producing the outcomes I said I would produce?
- What events, people, or personal limitations got in the way of these outcomes?
- How do I feel about what I have observed here?
- What action will I take from what I observed?
Self-Observation Sample 5: Business
Objective
To become more aware of my challenging behaviors and their consequences.
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- Whom did I challenge today?
- Why?
- What were all the outcomes of this challenge?
- What actions will I take from what I observed?
Self-Observation Sample 6: Business
Objective
To become more aware of what I am insisting upon and how it affects my work and my relationships at work.
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What did I insist upon today?
- How did I justify my insistence?
- What were the effects of my insistence upon myself? Upon my work relationships?
- What actions will I take from what I observed?
Self-Observation Sample 7: Business
Objective
To become more aware of my feelings at work. (A different version appears earlier. Each was designed for a particular client.)
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What was my strongest feeling at work today?
- What triggered this feeling?
- How did I respond/react to this feeling?
- What actions will I take from what I observed?
Self-Observation Sample 1: Relationship
Objective
To become more aware of my judgments of men and the reactions I trigger in them.
Instructions
- Do the exercise twice each day: once at midday, using the first set of questions, and once at the end of the day, using the second set. I suggest that you anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day.
- Ask yourself the following questions. You may write your responses in your journal if you wish.
Questions: Set #1
- What judgments did I make of others, especially men?
- What was the basis of my judgment?
- How did my judgments shape my relationships with people, especially men?
- What action will I take from what I observed in this exercise?
Questions: Set #2
- What reactions/responses did I trigger in men?
- Did I intend to bring about these reactions/responses? If yes, for what purpose?
- What did I do to trigger these reactions/responses?
- What action will I take from what I observed in this exercise?
Self-Observation Sample 2: Relationship
Objective
To become more aware of my relationships.
Instructions
- Do this exercise twice each day: once at midday, once at the end of the day.
- Ask yourself the following questions. You may write your responses in your journal if you wish.
- What specific expectations did I have of other people?
- What was I not able to fully communicate to someone?
- Who currently feels loved, appreciated, and nurtured by me?
- What current situations, worries, circumstances, relationships, or breakdowns am I not able to resolve?
- How do I feel about myself right now?
Self-Observation Sample 3: Relationship
Objective
To become more aware of how I interact with myself and in relationships.
Instructions
- Do this exercise twice each day: once at midday, once at the end of the day.
- Ask yourself the following questions. You may write your responses in your journal if you wish.
- What judgments did I make about myself?
- In what ways did I disappoint myself?
- When did I stop listening to someone?
- In what ways was I better than other people I’ve encountered?
- In what ways did I mistrust myself?
- What did I learn from these observations and what will I do about it?
Self-Observation Sample 4: Relationship
Objective
To become more aware of the status of my primary relationship.
Instructions
- Do this exercise twice each day: once at midday, once at the end of the day.
- Ask yourself the following questions about your primary relationship. You may write your responses in your journal if you wish.
- What is not complete? What will it take to complete it?
- What do I regret?
- What do I resent?
- What do I wish I did more of? What do I wish I did less of?
- What judgments have I made about this person? About myself?
- What do I secretly hope will happen?
- What am I angry about? Sad about? Unresolved about? Fearful about?
- What have I been unwilling to forgive?
- What am I holding on to?
- What am I resisting?
Self-Observation Sample 5: Relationship
Objective
To locate and study the connection between our body and how we listen.
Instructions
- Please observe yourself on the following points at midmorning, noon, mid-afternoon, and the end of the day.
- Please take some notes so you can begin to notice patterns. During this period of time:
- Whom did you resist listening to?
- How did this happen in your body? What tension or holding did you feel?
- What did your breath feel like?
- What action(s) will you take from what you learned in this exercise?
Self-Observation Sample 6: Relationship
Objective
To locate and study the connection between our body and how we speak.
Instructions
- Please observe yourself on the following points at midmorning, noon, mid-afternoon, and the end of the day.
- Please take some notes so you can begin to notice patterns. During this period of time:
- What did you want to say that you didn’t say?
- How did this happen in your body? What tension or holding did you feel?
- What did your breath feel like?
- What action(s) will you take from what you learned in this exercise?
Self-Observation Sample 1: Personal
Objective
To become more aware of my thoughts and judgments, and how they affect my clarity and actions around goals.
- Read Bradshaw On: The Family, by John Bradshaw (1988).
- Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask your-self the following questions. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What is occupying my thoughts?
- What judgments have I made about myself?
- Whom do I feel close to now? Why?
- What is my most important goal right now? Why?
- What did I learn from this exercise? How will I take what I learned into action?
Self-Observation Sample 2: Personal
Objective
I will become more aware of my feelings, thoughts, and reactions concerning completion, and take action from what I learn.
Instructions
Stop twice each day—at midday and at the end of the day—and ask yourself the following questions. You may wish to record your responses in your journal.
- What did I complete? Why was it important to complete this?
- What did I leave incomplete? Why did I leave it so?
- What do I currently feel compelled to complete? Why?
- What will happen to me if I don’t complete these things?
- What did I learn from this exercise? What action will I take from what I learned?
Self-Observation Sample 3: Personal
Objective
To become more aware of my habits.
Instructions
- Make a list of all of the habits you wish to change.
- Each day select a habit and answer the following questions regarding this habit. Write down your answers to the questions on separate sheets of paper.
- What triggers this habit?
- How do I feel when acting out this habit?
- How do others feel when I act out this habit?
Self-Observation Sample 4: Personal
Objective
To locate and intervene in the precursors to a strong emotional response.
Instructions
- Please observe yourself on the following points at midmorning, noon, mid-afternoon, and the end of the day. Please take some notes so you can begin to notice patterns.
- During this period of time, what was happening just before you became angry (or sad, or frightened, or frozen)? For example,
- What conversation, what activity, were you engaged in?
- What thought, decision, or conclusion did you make?
- What body sensations, shifts of posture, changes in breathing did you observe?
- What action(s) will you take from what you learned in this exercise?