Section 2: Gaps in Building Relationships

One of the predominant reasons why communication gaps occur is the failure of the parties involved in a given relationship to communicate early and often. Early in the relationship, they neglect to communicate sufficiently to build understanding, trust, and respect. And thereafter, when they should be strengthening the relationship, they give little attention to assessing how they’re doing, to evaluating whether they’re in sync, to resolving their conflicts, or to discussing how they want to proceed. In short, they suffer from too little relationship-focused communication.

Of course, on occasion, less communication can be better than more, as I was reminded when I visited my dentist. The occasion was a root canal, and with it, the opportunity to help put my dentist’s kids through college. First, he pumped me full of anesthetic. Then he filled my mouth with all manner of dental hardware. Explaining that the offending tooth was a tough one to reach, he had me crank my head around to an angle not designed for human cranking. And then he told me not to move. “Keep completely still,” he said, “and don’t try to say anything.”

As he began to work, he did what must be a prerequisite for the dental profession. He started talking. And periodically, despite the fact that I was incapable of articulating a single word, he asked me questions. He clearly had mastered The Art of the One-Way Dialogue.

It would have been bad enough if his questions required merely yes or no answers. I mean, you try it. Open your mouth as wide as you can, tilt your head to whatever angle hurts the most, and then while pretending that you’re under anesthesia, try saying “yes.” Then “no.” See what I mean? All you can do is grunt. And a yes grunt sounds much like a no grunt.

The worst of it was that my dentist seemed to favor questions whose answers required the use of the letters m, p, f, and b. But all I could do was grunt. Periodically, he asked me if I had any questions. “Yes,” I thought. “Why do you keep asking me questions when I can’t answer them?” I tried to say this, but it came out sounding like a yes grunt. He took it for a no grunt, and happily resumed his one-way dialogue.

In defense of my dentist, I should point out that at the end of my first visit, he explained in detail what he had done and what he would do next. His explanation came complete with pictures that he drew for me. Most were pictures of teeth, but one was a picture of a nutcracker, which he used to illustrate the different amounts of pressure needed to chomp down on something, and how this can damage teeth—and maybe nut-crackers, as well, though he didn’t say.

On my second visit to my dentist—the one that funded his second born’s freshman year—he instructed me to resume my position in the chair, and was quickly off and yakking. Giving him the benefit of the doubt (and being too cowardly to stifle the mutterings of anyone performing a root canal), I told myself that he was just trying to be amiable and help me pass the time.

My dentist’s technique, however, turned out to be very helpful, because it led me to rethink the importance of twoway, relationship-building communication. This kind of communication is especially useful for helping people build rapport, find common ground, establish group norms, resolve disputes, and discover communication preferences. Described below, the chapters in Section 2 focus on the importance of effective communication in building and maintaining relationships.

• Chapter 5 addresses the crucial issue of setting the stage: taking steps early in a relationship to build a foundation of understanding, trust, and respect.

• Chapter 6 describes key differences in how people communicate and what they communicate about.

• Chapter 7 explains how people can improve their understanding of the other party’s perspective.

• Chapter 8 suggests ways to maintain and strengthen an existing relationship.